Should my daughter visit her mother who is in jail?

[1924]

My wife, who is also mother of my fourteen year old is in jail for six months for a financial crime. I am willing to stick by her and not leave her because I feel She made some stupid mistakes but it was out of character so I think she just got herself into a bad situation and make some poor decisions, She also never did anything bad at all before this And I am not defending her or saying she should not serve her punishment. I told my daughter we should be glad her mother is serving time for her actions. Doing the right thing for her mistakes. Also, her mother is showing regret and no defense at what she did . I am thinking of letting my daughter visit her and have her still be involved with her child because she was never an absent or abusive parent or anything. Some might say sticking by her is being enabling but I just cannot agree
I think it is good to prepare in advance for her absence for the next six months. I wonder what are some good ways to do so, we still have time one of the things we must figure out is how to prepare for this upcoming incarceration. What are some good ways especially for each person to prepare for this?
My daughter seems to be taking it fine , she also said it is kind of funny that her mother is locked up and is now the one being ordered around by others. This is weird because she never had a bad relationship with her mother. I asked what she meant and she said she was just joking. I think that is OK to try to crack a joke to make the situation feel less bad and that a better way of handing the situation instead of being hysterical about it

should I take her to visit her mother when she is in jail, or is it a bad idea? My wife says she can come if she wants to. But even if she wants to it could be a bad environment. Also, seeing her mother in jail (which I hear is very de humanizing) could be a bad image. Her mom will be dressed in a jail uniform and is of course rightfully being treated like any other inmate but that might send a "normalizing" message to my daughter -I hear it is a hassle to get in. Also, seeing other inmates or even police officers could be intimidating to a young girl

If I do allow her what should I tell her in advance to prepare her? Is it a good idea for her to ask her mother questions about all this?

 

[Fappy]

I think it should be ultimately left up to your daughter. As long she understands all of what you just said above and still says she wants to see her mom, I'd say let her go. It can be a harrowing experience for a child, but it could also offer perspective for what her mother's going through. Just my 2 cents.

 

[Queen Michael]

Like Fappy and inu-kun said, she's old enough to decide on her own.

 

[Artina89]

If your daughter has expressed an interest in visiting her mother in prison then let her. It would probably be good for your wifes morale as well, that her daughter is willing to see her and that this incident hasn't impacted her relationship with her irrevocably, because I imagine that that might have crossed your wife's mind at some point.

 

[MeatMachine]

Considering that your daughter is 14, the crime was financial and out of character, and both of them love each other and care about each others' best interests, the only reason I'd say you wouldn't want your daughter to visit her is if it was against her will or if the prison was a terrifying, uncomfortable place to see even from the outside. I'm gonna go out on a limb here and guess that it isn't a maximum-security facility full of murderers and pedophiles, so... yeah, I think it would actually be beneficial for them both in this kind of situation.

 

[Cowabungaa]

What, well, almost everyone else said; let her make the decision.

At first I wanted to say that it depends on the crime, but that was when I thought you didn't want to reveal that and I didn't know the age of your kid. But 14 is alright, and a financial crime usually doesn't make someone bad enough that a kid has to be protected against them. So yeah, if she wants to visit her mum, I'd say let her. And if she doesn't, don't force her.

Also, that's eh, quite the first post you made on here. Welcome.

 

[dangoball]

Another voice joining the choir: let your daughter decide.

She is old enough to process difficult situations, she even managed to joke about it and even though I don't know her, I'd have faith in her mental resilience. Also, seeing a prison from the inside with all the guards, inmates and security measures might serve as a good life experience and a deterrent. You want your kid to think jail is a bad place and going there sucks. You have a chance for your kid to know.

 

[Someone Depressing]

Just like every previous comment: yes. But you should also educate her about her mother's specific crime and the details of her sentence so she can make an informed decision about whether or not she wants her mother in her life.

 

[kasperbbs]

It should be up to your kid. Judging by what you wrote your wife is not that bad of a person and it would be kinda cold to not let her see her family while shes in there. I'm pretty sure that meeting you is the only thing that she has to look forward to during those 6 months.

 

[jklinders]

14 is old enough to come to that decision herself.

Might be a good idea to check up on how she feels about it the first couple of times afterwards though. It's an unpleasant prospect to say the least. That age is about when kids start to THINK they can handle more adult things but may have trouble coming to actual terms with them when faced with them.

 

[Batou667]

Unless she's a very "young" and vulnerable 14 year old, she should be able to cope just fine.

Also I think not having contact with her mother for 6 months would be the more harmful option here.

 

[Grahav]

Unless she's a very "young" and vulnerable 14 year old, she should be able to cope just fine.

Also I think not having contact with her mother for 6 months would be the more harmful option here.

Visiting would be the optimal option for me. Still, as a teen, the final decision should be on her.

This age still needs guidance but it should be burdened with responsibility as well.

 

[Fieldy409_v1legacy]

Yes. Six months is a long time for a mother to be without their child.

 

[llamastorm.games]

As someone who literally 16 hours ago visited someone in prison there were quite a few small children there, they seem to even enjoy it (admittedly a low security open prison in the UK where they are allowed out sometimes as part of their rehabilitation, so it's not even remotely bad and they don't have to wear uniforms etc)

Going to the prison is an experience, it's perfectly safe of course, and it's eye opening to be able to see one from the inside. It might even instil in her a healthy fear of the place. The visitor areas are usually a bit nicer than the rest of the prison as it is for the families who haven't committed any crimes.

Going might be emotional for you all and it might even be hard but that's life and you shouldn't try to gloss over it. She seems to have gotten through the what I would think is the more traumatic experience of her mother going to prison in the first place. At the end of the day it should be your families choice, especially your daughters, and don't let anyone elses negative opinion affect what you do.

 

[DementedSheep]

She is old enough to decide.
This is just my opinion but I think not being able to see her mother for 6 months would be more of a problem and be bad for the mother as well. I also don't think you should shelter kids like that. Have some faith in your kids ability to deal with it.
People react differently but a lot of time being forbidden from even seeing a family member in bad position just makes it worse. Unless you have absolutely horrendous prisons or a very very innocent 14 year old thinking about why you wouldn't be letting her visit could easily be much worse than the reality. When you see them, even if it's bad, it gives you something solid you can process and deal with. Not seeing, for me at least, just means you go around and around thinking about it and the 'what ifs'.

 

[Christian Neihart]

Rather than mimic the people saying "Let your daughter decide" do it for the benefit of your wife. I'm sure she'd like to talk to her daughter and remind herself that there is family waiting for her.

 

[1924]

What do you think if the idea my wife doesn't deserve visits because she committed a crime and if my daughter visits she will see jail as not a big deal since her mom is there and she is ok

 

[Mechamorph]

Well if you go together with her, I don't think the harm outweighs the gain. With Daddy around, your daughter might not be as afraid or traumatized by the conditions in the prison. You can show her that you still love your wife and that you're still a family. Seeing her daughter would undoubtedly do wonders for your wife's morale and your daughter gets to connect with her mother outside of the usual family dynamic established in the home. Overall I think it would be good for everybody involved.

 

[gxs]

What do you think if the idea my wife doesn't deserve visits because she committed a crime and if my daughter visits she will see jail as not a big deal since her mom is there and she is ok

Even my two years old kid wouldn't make that assumption so don't fret.