Single Father Issue

[New Troll]

Hello, for those who don't know me, I'm a 34 year old father of two. My first son was not biological, I was just the one there throughout the entire pregnacy, named him, and the first person to hold him in the delivery room. But after three months, his mother ran away with him. She was going through post-partem and instead of listening to me, her soul mate, she was influenced by her mother who over-all wanted her to be with someone else. I still talk with her and occasionally she even sends me pictures of our son, but they live so very far away it would be next to impossible for me to see him in person. If she would even let me with the complications in her life.

My second son though is very much in my life. Hell, if I could find more reliable sitters for him, his mother would probably hardly ever see him. Her choice, not mine. She's a busy woman. She doesn't work, but she dates a lot. Course I didn't know the real her the short while we were together. But anyway, right now we have a nice arrangement where she gets the financial aid for him and I get to keep him all I want. So nice. But now she's making things difficult again.

Hmm... guess I should tell the first difficult time she gave. While we were dating, she lived two hours away. We broke up more or less friendly, with me realizing she was just using me for sex and not wishing for all I wanted; settle down with a family. Once she found out she was pregnant, she started treating me like shit though, like I was a bad guy for impregnating her. I tried to talk with her, to help her all I could, gave her money, and always made sure she knew I was there for her and our child. But she turned a deaf ear to me. She was in the right and I was the devil. But then a week before our son was born, her family disowned her and she found herself all alone with her daughter and pregnant. So I stayed with her through the delivery and then got her a job where I work and a place for all of us to live. Things were okay for most the year, her going out on dates most every night while I got to spend time with my son and his sister. Sure I did all the cleaning and cooking and paid most the bills, but it was so worth it to have my son every day.

But then she suddenly moved out. She moved in with a guy thirty minutes away, leaving me with all the bills to fend for myself. Things were extremely tight there for awhile, but I still got my son a good majority of the time so I didn't let it get to me. But then her boyfriend stole all her money and ended up cheating on her, so she quit her job to focus on dating again. So things have been weird, but acceptable I guess. I basicly use her as a last resort baby-sitter. And she usually lets me down by not wanting him, forcing me to call in at work. But survivable.

So here we are now to the heart of my issue. The guy she's been dating for the past few weeks lives three hours away. Her lease is up next month and so she's planning on moving in with him. And she can't drive. Right now I'm driving an hour to drop off my son and then another hour to get him back. But if she moves that turns into six hours each trip. That is a lot of driving just for a day or two. And there would be no way of doing it before work, so I would be forced to drop him off the day before. Now I could just try to keep him, but I do want his mother to be a part of his life. Maybe not a major part, but still he needs to grow up knowing who she is, along with his sister.

But the biggest issue is finding a reliable sitter. Sure she was unreliable, but she was so much better than nobody. Plus I knew I could trust her with him. That she would never let anything happen to him. But if she would give me custody so I could get financial aid for day care, that would help. But there's no way she's going to give that up without a fight. Losing that income would probably force her to get a job.

So I guess my biggest concern is taking her to court. For one thing, Oklahoma is very much a pro-mother state. And secondly, I can't really afford an attorney. Plus there would be her attorney, and court fees. That is all money that should go towards our children. But I really can't afford to lose another son.

Lost, but refuse to lose.

 

[azraelthor]

Snip

Start recordign everything. Phone calls, keep a jornal of when she cancels, her past, her reliability with her kid, keepphotocopies of any checks she gives you, records of any money she gives you, and then take her to court. You will be prepared, you will also be able to show that she doesn't work and is using the money intended for her child on herself. If you do these things, you should be able to win.

 

[New Troll]

Snip

Start recordign everything. Phone calls, keep a jornal of when she cancels, her past, her reliability with her kid, keepphotocopies of any checks she gives you, records of any money she gives you, and then take her to court. You will be prepared, you will also be able to show that she doesn't work and is using the money intended for her child on herself. If you do these things, you should be able to win.

I do have some 'incriminating' material on her. Pictures of her laziness, leaving trash everywhere. A video she took of one of her exes scaring our son with a vacuum. Stuff like that. But a HUGE concern of mine is my evidence leading to sociol services. Not just about our son, but also concerning her daughter. I don't wish for m son to lose his sister, not for his mother to lose both her children completely. Sure his mother isn't the best parent, but her daughter is much better off with her than bouncing from one foster home to another.

And again, I do wish to avoid court if I can. The way I see it is even if I win, we all lose so much. So I'm keeping it as a last resort. And I'm just hoping she is doing the same. I do fear she does something crazy, but I almost see her doing something like calling the cops on me for kidnapping than getting a custody attorney. 911 is a much cheaper phone call.

 

[azraelthor]

Snip

Start recordign everything. Phone calls, keep a jornal of when she cancels, her past, her reliability with her kid, keepphotocopies of any checks she gives you, records of any money she gives you, and then take her to court. You will be prepared, you will also be able to show that she doesn't work and is using the money intended for her child on herself. If you do these things, you should be able to win.

I do have some 'incriminating' material on her. Pictures of her laziness, leaving trash everywhere. A video she took of one of her exes scaring our son with a vacuum. Stuff like that. But a HUGE concern of mine is my evidence leading to sociol services. Not just about our son, but also concerning her daughter. I don't wish for m son to lose his sister, not for his mother to lose both her children completely. Sure his mother isn't the best parent, but her daughter is much better off with her than bouncing from one foster home to another.

And again, I do wish to avoid court if I can. The way I see it is even if I win, we all lose so much. So I'm keeping it as a last resort. And I'm just hoping she is doing the same. I do fear she does something crazy, but I almost see her doing something like calling the cops on me for kidnapping than getting a custody attorney. 911 is a much cheaper phone call.

If you keep a log of everything and show it to the cops when they show up, they should accept that. Also if she did lose her daughter would you be willing to take her (the daughter) in too? Because that might be an option since you have the girls brother. To the avoiding court part, you can keep trying to convince her to give up her rights or be a mother to her child, but in the end it might be best for you to initiate a custody battle before someone else convinces her to. Also if you decided to lean towards court it might be a good idea to hire a PI to follow her a record some of the things she does for a little bit. Hell even if you don't decide on court it might be a good idea, just so you are prepared for when she will most likely do it.

 

[Aurgelmir]

So I guess my biggest concern is taking her to court. For one thing, Oklahoma is very much a pro-mother state. And secondly, I can't really afford an attorney. Plus there would be her attorney, and court fees. That is all money that should go towards our children. But I really can't afford to lose another son.

Lost, but refuse to lose.

Man I feel really bad for you... I mean that lady doesn't seem to be a fit mother AT ALL, so you need to gather up evidence for your case, which you seem to have a very strong one for.

You have a job, you have a place to live, you have the will to let this kid get a great life. What does he have with his mother? from what you tell me not a lot. He'll have "new dad's" every week it seems, and mommy won't be at home all the time.
She doesn't work, which means the kid will have a much better financial stability with you.

If you find the money, get a good lawyer who is willing to put in the fight.

 

[Griffolion]

Snip

Start recordign everything. Phone calls, keep a jornal of when she cancels, her past, her reliability with her kid, keepphotocopies of any checks she gives you, records of any money she gives you, and then take her to court. You will be prepared, you will also be able to show that she doesn't work and is using the money intended for her child on herself. If you do these things, you should be able to win.

OP, this is the key here. Record EVERYTHING. Every last shred of evidence to show she's as useful as a chocolate teapot. Not even a pro-mother state as Oklahoma can favour such a neglectful individual such as her over a caring, dedicated and fantastic person such as you.

I'm really sorry for what you've been through and are going through. But your dedication to your children is utterly inspiring. If I can ever be half the father you are, then I will consider that a win.

 

[aba1]

You could always try convincing her to sign over custody just tell her if she does she just has to pay you a small fee and she wont have to deal with all the hastles and reasponsabilitys and will still get to see them as much as she wants. You just have to make her feel like giving you custody would be better for her. You can make the fee sound like it be somthing she would have been paying to begin with anyways just through food for the kids and such. It's just about spinning the truth in her favour

 

[bluepilot]

I am really sorry for your situation. You seem like a nice guy too. The legal system will be against you for being 1) male and 2) not the biological father of one child, but also, if you are going to make this work she has to help too.

Can you reason with her? Moving in with a guy she dated for a few weeks? Maybe it us love at first site but I think it is not a good idea. It seems as if she has been doing whatever she wants and expects you to pick up the pieces. I mean blaming you for getting pregnant? That is ridiculous. With all the birth control around these days it is pretty hard to get pregnant accidentally. It is her responsibility too.

I am sorry if this comes off as harsh but if she wants to live so far away she will have to compromise by learning how to drive. For me that seems like a reasonable and responsibly thing to ask. However I realize that not all individuals are reasonable and responsibly and she can threaten you any time she likes with the kids. If it comes to this, take the time now to gather lots of evidence about your fathering. Family trips, things you make together etc because incriminating her alone will not be enough.

I am sorry to sound a little harsh and I wish you the best but it does not seen like a solution will come without a fight

 

[Viral_Lola]

I'm a single parent and my heart goes out to you. Yes, the court systems are really tipped more in the mother's favor than the father's and I honestly think it should be in favor of the parent that wants to be a parent. (My daughter's father refuses to have anything to do with her and she's never seen him.)

You don't have many options but you could either A. talk her into signing over her parental rights or B. take her to court. What I would do if I were you would be to contact a lawyer that specializes in family law and ask how to best approach the situation. (Some lawyers have pro bono hours.) My friend's a social worker and I can see if I can find anymore info for you.