So Anita Sarkeesian and the ME3 ending are drowning in a whirlpool...

[Hazy992]

So you're walking along the beach to pick up your morning newspaper from the shop, when from the corner of your eye you see that Anita Sarkeesian and the Mass Effect 3 ending are drowning! In a whirlpool no less! Before you have a chance to do anything, a sealion who supports the death penalty and is made out of guns waddles in to save the day, but he can only save one.

What I want to know is how can he make sure his decision is objective whilst still maintaining ethical game journalism? Does being a Brony effect this in any way?

 

[BathorysGraveland2]

I'd influence this Sealion to save Anita Sarkessian, because I agree with almost everything she says. Then I'd convince this Sealion to influence Anita to retract her statement that sexism against men is impossible, and then we'd be as fine as a brandy snap ;'). That's the only thing that really makes my opinion of her be jeopardised. Without that, I'd be as good as gravy with her.

Also, this is a tuff question 992 Haze's. Mass Effect 3's ending didn't leave me all that dissatisfied. At least not the extended cut, which is the only one I played. So I dunno. I was content with it. So take your pick, I guess.

AlSO!!!!


INB4 THE LOCK!!!!!

 

[VanQ]

Can I ask the sealion to save the whirlpool? Poor thing probably has no idea what it's getting itself into with that combination swirling into its depths.

 

[BathorysGraveland2]

I agree with the big up motherfucking Q Van, ya know, that dog Van of the Q-tips. Yeah. The whirlpool is the real victim, forced to swallow all these fools. All these idiotic bafoons. Let's be sympathetic to the whirlpool.

 

[Scarim Coral]

I asked the Sealion to saved the ME3 ending plain and simple. Needless to say I don't like Anita Sarkeesian that much.

 

[Armadox]

I'd have it save Anita, if only because she'd owe me a life debt. I'd also backstab the sealion for it's pelt of guns. Then I'd make a cloak of it, and declare myself the Gun King.

 

[Johnny Novgorod]

I would save Day 1 DLC with the help of Call of Duty Dog and a bunch of Amiibos I scalped after swatting Peter Molyneux.

 

[Muspelheim]

Sink to my knees and fall over on the pavement as the severe stroke I'm evidently having begins to take effect.

I'd like to think that the sealion would call an ambulance if he was real.

 

[JoJo]

I don't know, is it true that if I kill Anita Sarkeesian I get to become her? The power to take away white male gamer's games with my enchanted hoop earrings sounds fun.

 

[Zykon TheLich_v1legacy]

I would kill and eat all three of them. It is the way of my people.

 

[gmaverick019_v1legacy]

Easy. anita. she would be saved by a man..she would become a damsel in distress, and it would just be hilarious to see her reaction to that.

honestly I don't have anything big against her, even if I occasionally do think she acted like a twat about something or had an "agree to disagree" moment, while the me3 ending was kind of a slap in the face to the first two games and even after the extended cut, I still think the game suffers too much from the ending.

 

[BloatedGuppy]

I'd have the Sea Lion re-write the ME3 ending, replacing the Jessica Chobot character with Anita Sarkeesian by way of memorial/apology to her family and friends.

 

[Colour Scientist]

I would walk right up to that whirlpool and say;

Boom!

 

[Hero in a half shell]

Obviously the Sealion has the right of the freedom of the press to choose whichever one he wants, but if his choice is based on previous relationships/bribes/business partnerships then that should be disclosed.

 

[Bizzaro Stormy]

The sealion swims for all its might, grabs Anita in its jaws and pulls her to the shore. "I could only save the sentient one," thinks our brave aquatic friend. As she gasps for air the sealion barks for all its might in an effort to get medical help. He sees paramedics stop their ambulance and rush to the scene; all is not lost!

Anita's eyes flutter and she looks with thanks at her new animal friend. A smile is forming on her lips soon to be followed by a thank you, until she notices the sealion is male. A look of betray fills her eyes and tears well up at the corners of them. "I'll never be your damsel in distress you problematic marine oppressor!" With these words her heart gives out and her life drains away.

Mortified the noble warrior of the deep throws back his head and howls a mournful, "Baaaaaaaaark!"(Translation from sealion to English WHHHHHHYYY!)

Fade to black.

 

[EternallyBored]

Really, we don't have enough information to answer this question, I mean, do we know what the sealion's stance is on the capitol gains tax? and what type of guns are the sealion made up of? handguns? rifles? shotguns? Who is the hypothetical brony in this situation? us or the sealion? This is important information that could greatly effect who gets saved in this scenario.

I mean, if we save Anita, then that obviously means that she will eventually be given primetime animated sitcom based on her wacky internet drowning adventures, written by Wil Wheaton and her character will be voiced by Seth Green of course. Eventually the U.S. congress will declare Totalbiscuit to be an enemy of the state and send SEAL team 6 after him, leaving Pewdiepie to try and step up as a serious games journalist and eventually becoming the gaming version of Walter Cronkite.

Sure, the sitcom will win a lot of emmy's, and it will push Valve to release Half-life 3, as well as the eventual destruction of EA leaving Bioware to be an independent company that hires on all of Obsidian to help write their future games, but we all know Anita will turn into a total diva about it and the internet will never hear the end of her gloating.

Now, if we rescue the ME3 ending, that could give EA the idea that the ME3 ending is exactly what gamers want, so all their future releases will feature a random ghost child showing up at the end to give the player the choice to change the world in one of three ways, yes, even Madden will feature this ending, although critics may consider that an improvement, as Madden 2k18 will win GOTY for it's heartwrenching tale of love and betrayal. The success of the ME3 ending will spur EA to buy out Valve and CD Projekt Red in order to, in their words, "bring the best of PC gaming into an arena where they can focus on broader appeal console titles for our new exclusive contract with the Xbox one".

On the bright side, the loss of Anita will leave the internet rage machine adrift without one of the cornerstones of their ire, bringing together the gaming community in peace and harmony, to play all the wonderful new exclusive xbox one Half-life and Witcher games after Valve eventually discontinues its Steam service and locks out everyones Steam libraries.

It all seems fairly straightforward to me, we just need some specifics here.

 

[The Event]

I leave them both to drown and take the sealion home.
It's a sealion, they're cute. And it's made of guns! How awesome is that as a pet?

 

[Mezahmay]

Having no strong opinions about either one, I advise the sealion to come with me and experience both so we have an informed opinion on the matter. Naturally this means the sealion and I will do full playthroughs of the Mass Effect trilogy, then read up on Anita Sarkeesian and watch enough of her videos to understand her point of view. We will then return to the shore only to realize the whirlpool consumed both of its victims weeks ago. We look at each other, look at the ocean, back at each other, back at the ocean, shrug into the camera in unison, then get some ice cream as the outro plays.

 

[Fieldy409_v1legacy]

I will probably decide to make an angry post on the Escapist complaining about it.