So my best friend just basically molested me

[Zen Toombs]

So uh.... fuck, I'm not really sure how to say this, so fuck, I'll just say it.

So I've been going through some rough stuff, and I turned to my best friend to vent and get some help. We talked for a while and got most of my stuff sorted out. We start talking about other things, hugs, snuggles, everything is starting to look great.

Then my friend accidently pulls my arms above my head. (FYI, I find restraint and so forth UNBELIEVABLY hot). I get uncomfortable about this, and I tell my friend to stop. My friend stops and says "I don't know wether to apologize or tease you[footnote]sexytime teasing, not "haha, you suck" teasing[/footnote]."
"Neither" I say, "don't do that and you didn't mean to so you have nothing to apologize for."
Some time passes and then my friend slams my arms back over my head. I say "What the hell are you doing?"
"I picked teasing you." Then my friend starts doing all the sexytime stuff that turns me into butter and I can't do anything to stop what's going on other than managing to say "fuck you" at one point.

My friend only stops when we hear movement upstairs that turns out to be my friend's boyfriend.

I... I dunno.

 

[Zen Toombs]

This is the advice forum, so I should probably actually ask for advice.

Um, what should I do?

 

[Amethyst Wind]

This is the advice forum, so I should probably actually ask for advice.

Um, what should I do?

Well what do you want to happen, in the end? Do you still want this person in your life but in a role you're more comfortable with, or do you simply want them gone?

If it's the first case then get some backup (NOT the boyfriend) and tell them straight that that's not cool. Tell them why and basically lay down the law.

If it's the second outcome then do the same thing but with the boyfriend present as well as your backup, which will land the friend-lester in deep shit.

If I may ask, what genders are we talking about for everyone involved here?

 

[Zen Toombs]

Well what do you want to happen, in the end? Do you still want this person in your life but in a role you're more comfortable with, or do you simply want them gone?

If it's the first case then get some backup (NOT the boyfriend) and tell them straight that that's not cool. Tell them why and basically lay down the law.

If it's the second outcome then do the same thing but with the boyfriend present as well as your backup, which will land the friend-lester in deep shit.

If I may ask, what genders are we talking about for everyone involved here?

Frankly, I don't really know what I want to do. I know I don't want him in my life right now, but at the same time there's all this fun stuff my other friends have planned that I both really want to do (so I can't really not go) and really don't want to ruin by finding some way to kick my friend and his boyfriend out. (because they would need to be there too)

More long term, I still don't know. This guy was my best friend for years, and I don't really want to lose him because of all the stuff we've shared and how much it helps me to talk with him, but at the same time that was really screwed up.

In regards to the "bring backup", thank you for the idea. I think I have a friend that could help. However, apparently my friend said that his boyfriend wouldn't mind, they have some sort of open relationship dealio going on. I also don't think he realized that just because I was moaning in between the "what the hell are you doing" and so forth doesn't mean that I wanted what was going on. The only reason I wasn't just throwing him off of me was because the sexytime-brain chemicals were making it... difficult to speak, let alone move him off of me.

As for the genders involved, Boy, boy, and boy for me, and because I'm guessing you're also meaning sexualities, gay, gay, and bisexual for me.

(by the by, thanks for "friend-lester". it made me laugh, which was nice.)

 

[Amethyst Wind]

(by the by, thanks for "friend-lester". it made me laugh, which was nice.)

Just make sure you don't use it around a friend who's name happens to BE Lester. That would be...awkward.

 

[BrionJames]

seems apparent that you don"t mind this going on. I don"t see the problem unless you really wanted him to stop. Correct me if I'm wrong but it seems very downplayed in your post about what your "friend" did.

 

[SonicWaffle]

I also don't think he realized that just because I was moaning in between the "what the hell are you doing" and so forth doesn't mean that I wanted what was going on. The only reason I wasn't just throwing him off of me was because the sexytime-brain chemicals were making it... difficult to speak, let alone move him off of me.

I don't mean to offend here, but it honestly sounds like you did want it. Just because you're horny doesn't mean you can't push someone away from you if you want to, and I can't say I've ever been so aroused I was incapable of speech to the point where I wouldn't have been able to tell someone molesting me to fuck off. Hell, you even say yourself that you were talking (saying "what the hell are you doing", for example) and the fact that you didn't just straight-up tell the guy to stop probably led him to believe you were fine with it.

The fact that you apparently didn't just yell "NO!" and throw him off you indicates you weren't as adverse to the situation as you seem to be saying.

 

[WolfThomas]

I don't mean to offend here, but it honestly sounds like you did want it. Just because you're horny doesn't mean you can't push someone away from you if you want to, and I can't say I've ever been so aroused I was incapable of speech to the point where I wouldn't have been able to tell someone molesting me to fuck off. Hell, you even say yourself that you were talking (saying "what the hell are you doing", for example) and the fact that you didn't just straight-up tell the guy to stop probably led him to believe you were fine with it.

The fact that you apparently didn't just yell "NO!" and throw him off you indicates you weren't as adverse to the situation as you seem to be saying.

I disagree 100%. Sexual arousal is no indication of consent. It's been recently suggested that "Yes means yes" replaces the classic "no means no", the idea being that the onus of confirming consent is on the initiator of sexual activity, not the person receiving.

I wouldn't however call this sexual assault, it sounds (and this just from reading) like sexually charged messing between friends that crossed a comfort zone.

 

[Batou667]

Your friend was very forward, perhaps unacceptably so, but you still let it happen.

Reflect on whether you were truly cool with it happening, and try to narrow it down to:

- It was unacceptable. We're no longer friends

or

- It was unacceptable, but if it doesn't happen again we can still be friends

or

- Actually it was pretty hot, me gusta (and decide where to take it from there)

 

[SonicWaffle]

I disagree 100%. Sexual arousal is no indication of consent. It's been recently suggested that "Yes means yes" replaces the classic "no means no", the idea being that the onus of confirming consent is on the initiator of sexual activity, not the person receiving.

Agreed, sexual arousal is not consent. However, what the OP describes goes quite a way beyond sexual arousal - moaning, not emphatically saying "stop", not pushing the assailant away - and sounds as if he's enjoying it on more than just the level of physical stimulation.

 

[WolfThomas]

[

Agreed, sexual arousal is not consent. However, what the OP describes goes quite a way beyond sexual arousal - moaning, not emphatically saying "stop", not pushing the assailant away - and sounds as if he's enjoying it on more than just the level of physical stimulation.

I'm sorry, I didn't read the second part of his post. I was only taking the first post for context.

Still it's in everyone best interests if at some point the initiator confirms consent before continuing. In this scenario in the heat of the moment he'd have likely said yes. But similar circumstances with someone else, who knows?

 

[Zen Toombs]

Okay, apparently this thread soldiered on after I left. Since there seems to be some sort of question about the order of events, they are as follows:

1: he did something innocuous that he knows arouses me. 2: I tell him to not do that. 3: he gets on top of me. 4: I say in confusion "what the hell are you doing?" 5: he presses all my kink buttons, including restraining my arms[footnote]which interferes with my ability to stop him because 1: it is very arousing to me and 2: I was restrained[/footnote]. 5.5 In the middle of this I muster enough to cut through the fog of terror and pleasure to say "fuck off". 6: he continues to continuously press all my kink buttons. 7: he hears someone and he stops, goes upstairs. 8: I curl into a ball in the corner, feeling violated. 9: friend returns, approaches me. 10: I say "what the fuck is wrong with you." He starts making excuses. I repeat, louder this time. I then leave his house as quickly as possible.

Spoiler: BrionJames

seems apparent that you don"t mind this going on. I don"t see the problem unless you really wanted him to stop. Correct me if I'm wrong but it seems very downplayed in your post about what your "friend" did.

I downplayed it because of a combination of NSFW and TMI and embarrassment. Believe me, I wanted him to stop.

Spoiler: SonicWaffle

I also don't think he realized that just because I was moaning in between the "what the hell are you doing" and so forth doesn't mean that I wanted what was going on. The only reason I wasn't just throwing him off of me was because the sexytime-brain chemicals were making it... difficult to speak, let alone move him off of me.

I don't mean to offend here, but it honestly sounds like you did want it. Just because you're horny doesn't mean you can't push someone away from you if you want to, and I can't say I've ever been so aroused I was incapable of speech to the point where I wouldn't have been able to tell someone molesting me to fuck off. Hell, you even say yourself that you were talking (saying "what the hell are you doing", for example) and the fact that you didn't just straight-up tell the guy to stop probably led him to believe you were fine with it.

The fact that you apparently didn't just yell "NO!" and throw him off you indicates you weren't as adverse to the situation as you seem to be saying.

Yeah, no. First off, if you've never been so stimulated that you are unable to form coherent sentences, you need some practice. Second off, if you think that it's easy to "just say no" when your body is flooded with fear, then you've never been sexually assaulted. Third off, I agree that you can push someone away from you even if you're horny. That I was "just horny" wasn't the problem. Fourth off, I told him three things: not to do what he was doing (hard no), what the hell are you doing? (soft no), and fuck off (hard no, but easy to mishear in the moment).

Spoiler: Batou667

Your friend was very forward, perhaps unacceptably so, but you still let it happen.

Reflect on whether you were truly cool with it happening, and try to narrow it down to:

I understand you are trying to be helpful, but no I didn't LET it happen. It happened, I didn't want it to, and the way things went I couldn't have stopped it even though I wanted to.

Spoiler: SonicWaffle and WolfThomas conversation

[

Agreed, sexual arousal is not consent. However, what the OP describes goes quite a way beyond sexual arousal - moaning, not emphatically saying "stop", not pushing the assailant away - and sounds as if he's enjoying it on more than just the level of physical stimulation.

I'm sorry, I didn't read the second part of his post. I was only taking the first post for context.

Still it's in everyone best interests if at some point the initiator confirms consent before continuing. In this scenario in the heat of the moment he'd have likely said yes. But similar circumstances with someone else, who knows?

As I mentioned, kink buttons were pressed. The moaning was nowhere near a conscious action, and was not the result of anything but physical stimulation. If he had stopped for even a moment, I would have been able to tell him a fourth variation of "no", "stop", or "I do not wish you to continue", and would have been able to push him off.

I also concur that the best way to confirm consent is "yes means yes" instead of "no means no".

 

[Relish in Chaos]

Well, your friend took advantage of you at a time when you were going through a rough patch in life, so I'd confront him about it and ask him why he did it. If he doesn't understand why you were offended, believing that you "really wanted it" (which is what a lot of people who sexually abuse others - or whatever - say to self-justify their actions), explain to them why you felt hurt. Don't worry - just because you may've been sexually aroused doesn't mean you consented to him doing what he did. You can't help it, it's natural, and sex just adds an element of "What the fuck is going on? It feels good, yet this is bad" to make the whole ordeal even more confusing for the victim. It's a common occurrence for people to freeze up in terror in situations like that.

But...like someone else said, you probably need to re-analyze your relationship with him. I mean, none of us can really make that informed an opinion, but is this guy really your friend, if he violated you after you turned to him for help? Or maybe...and this is by no means meant to be a justification for what he did...it was his odd way of trying to say to you that he fancied you, or something?

In a nutshell: talk to him about it. Think about whether or not you want to remain friends with him. Take it from there.

 

[renegade7]

I would just tell him you don't want it happening again.

 

[sanquin]

To people saying this person wanted it:
Wrong. You CAN get incapacitated by sexual arousal and such. I have a friend-with-benefits that's like that. Certain actions can literally make her faint in my arms, becoming a helpless ragdoll for me to do as I please with if I wanted to. (I wouldn't, I'm a nice girl, but still.) Every time we go into sexytime things I have an enormous amount of control over her by doing seemingly very tame things that wouldn't normally give me control. (I get to be FwB with her because I don't abuse that power. Yay me. )


Anyway, get a friend to back you up and have a firm talk with the person. Don't just talk yourself, let the friend talk too and scold him for it as well. One voice has less impact than two. Get as angry as you can be. If he becomes apologetic and indeed doesn't do such things again...good! If he doesn't change or you have the feeling he didn't better his ways even after such a talk then get him out of your life as soon as possible. I would even go as far as telling your friends what happened, and asking their support in not allowing that person to join the group's activities.

Yes it's mean towards that person, but you have to realize that he sexually assaulted you. If you went to the police he could go to jail for it. I wouldn't go that far in this situation, but that -is- how severe his actions were. So he doesn't deserve your full consideration any more if you want him out of your life.