Something that I never realized about the coveted "nerdy girl(friend)"....

[Tsukuyomi]

Hey all, it's been awhile since I've actually started a topic on here. Hopefully it doesn't devolve into arguments or rage or anything. In a way this is a post of curiosity, and in another way it's an apology.

My friends have long since decided it's time for me to be dating again, and while I'm okay with that, being a nerd I felt like it would probably be for the best to find someone who at least shares SOME of the things I enjoy in that department. I don't need total nerd, but at least some would be nice. I already get odd looks for enjoying what I enjoy from others around me. I don't want one of those people to be the person I care about/spend a lot of time with. But I try to be flexible since I know the nerdy girl is supposedly a rare commodity. I never mentioned this to them, but my friends apparently decided this too for some reason, up to the point where one flat out told me: "Dude, speaking as one of us who married a 'normal' woman, I WANT you to end up with a nerdy girl!"

That kind of shocked me and made me feel bad for the guy's wife, who's really nice (they all are. They're also all tremendously patient when the lot of us go someplace like the comic shop and they decide to tag along and I try to make it a point to thank them for putting up with our shenanigans when they're clearly pretty damn bored.) It's not that they don't love eachother, as I know they do, but I think he understands how I feel about how a portion of his life that he really enjoys can't really be shared with his wife.

Now, all this said, the question of ratio always comes up. Guys to girls, you know the drill. It always seems like someone someone else knows met one, or a friend of a friend knows one or sees them all the time. But none of us KNOW anyone or have met anyone that fits the bill.

(Please note that I've read what I've written over and it sounds like I'm objectifying the people in question terribly. Not my intent and I apologize. Not being misogynistic or hateful, just trying to get the point across.)

Recently however, I ran into a new co-worker whom I was tasked with training and as her and I got around to talking about things we do outside of work I admitted that I am a nerd and whatnot and her response was: "oh! I used to be a nerd too, but I was bullied really bad so I kinda stopped being one."

Now, I understand that. Nothing wrong with it. I remember being bullied in school and being alone for a lot of the time because of it. But it gave me some food for thought as I considered what she said more. I suppose I made a few assumptions, but I don't feel like they're too far-fetched. Eventually this point came to me:

Girls/women who are/were into nerdy things....well, things must have or do suck even worse for them than they do for nerdy guys. I'm guessing a nerdy girl in school would have problems getting along with other girls because she's nerdy, and at BEST she gets suspicion from the guys for being fake, at WORST they become creepy. The best case scenario is a smaller circle of friends. At worst (and possibly more likely depending on where and/or when one went through their schooling) it might have meant little to no friends at all.

....that must just...suck. Flat-out be awful and terrible. and the worst part is that here I am LOOKING for someone who went through that. What kind of a horrible person am I to wish that on someone else just so I have someone to take out to a movie and dinner and then come home and play Portal 2 with? It makes me feel like a jerk. I didn't have a lot of friends going through school, but damn...

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Anyway....am I totally off-base with this? It's just a thought I had based on what I remember from my own years in school and how, to an extent, society still works. Does this still happen to girls who enjoy 'nerdy' things? Is it as bad as I'm thinking it probably was? The girls I do know who share my interests have thus far agreed that yes, it was bad, and yes, I'm kinda on-point with what I'm thinking. But what about everyone else? Any thoughts? Stories? Am I right or wrong to be feeling like a jerk for wanting to date someone who shares my interests?

 

[Queen Michael]

I freely admit that whenever I see a girl who's into manga or anime, I assume she's only got a superficial interest, and has no real knowledge of it.

I do the exact same thing with guys, though, so at least I'm not being sexist.

 

[Elfgore]

You're wrong about feeling like a jerk about this. That happened in the past and was completely unrelated to you. It's not like you're wishing bullying and whatnot on them, it just happened. Pretty much only because people are assholes as well.

You're theory is solid though. I couldn't imagine what it would be like to be a girl and nerd throughout high school. All the ones who went to my school, we're in the social outcast group... who were constantly bullied.

 

[manic_depressive13]

I don't know. I had a pretty shit time at school but I wouldn't attribute it to being nerdy. Sometimes when I talked about the games I was playing some of the other girls would say "Oh em gee you're such a nerd" but that's about it. I think you're being a bit dramatic.

 

[Daystar Clarion]

I'm not entirely sure how 'wanting someone who's into the same things as you' translates to 'wanting someone who was bullied for liking the same things as you".

What kind of mental gymnastics is that?

 

[Tsukuyomi]

I'm not entirely sure how 'wanting someone who's into the same things as you' translates to 'wanting someone who was bullied for liking the same things as you".

What kind of mental gymnastics is that?

The kind that only my weird little brain can manage, Daystar. It's a quirk, but I have a thing about feeling guilty over odd stuff that has nothing to do with me.

 

[Adam Jensen_v1legacy]

Some nerdy girls hide their nerdy side well. Better than guys. So they can be nerdy without having gone through any bullying. They can be nerdy without you knowing. That was the case with a girl that eventually became my current girlfriend. And she still kicks my ass in Street Fighter. She's a console peasant though, but I don't hold that against her
It's OK to want to have a nerdy companion. I used to feel very lonely even when I was surrounded by other people because we didn't have anything in common to talk about. That sucks. But if the person you care about deeply, the person you love, shares the same interests as you, it's the best thing in the world. You can talk for hours and do things that you both like together. If you feel that being a nerd is one of the things that define you as a person, why would you settle for anything less than a nerdy girlfriend? Don't feel guilty. Go out there and happy hunting.

 

[Stasisesque]

Girls/women who are/were into nerdy things....well, things must have or do suck even worse for them than they do for nerdy guys. I'm guessing a nerdy girl in school would have problems getting along with other girls because she's nerdy, and at BEST she gets suspicion from the guys for being fake, at WORST they become creepy. The best case scenario is a smaller circle of friends. At worst (and possibly more likely depending on where and/or when one went through their schooling) it might have meant little to no friends at all.

....that must just...suck. Flat-out be awful and terrible. and the worst part is that here I am LOOKING for someone who went through that. What kind of a horrible person am I to wish that on someone else just so I have someone to take out to a movie and dinner and then come home and play Portal 2 with? It makes me feel like a jerk. I didn't have a lot of friends going through school, but damn...

-------------------

Anyway....am I totally off-base with this? It's just a thought I had based on what I remember from my own years in school and how, to an extent, society still works. Does this still happen to girls who enjoy 'nerdy' things? Is it as bad as I'm thinking it probably was? The girls I do know who share my interests have thus far agreed that yes, it was bad, and yes, I'm kinda on-point with what I'm thinking. But what about everyone else? Any thoughts? Stories? Am I right or wrong to be feeling like a jerk for wanting to date someone who shares my interests?

I find this kind of offensive to be honest.

Why would it be worse for women? I went to an all girl's school where bullying was, it's safe to say, the norm and while I did experience bullying, I wouldn't say it was any worse than what a guy might go through. The bullying was perhaps different, girls tend to use emotional warfare as opposed to physical confrontation, but that doesn't mean the consequences were any more severe and it certainly didn't affect how many friends I had.

Most of my girlfriends are not nerds, that's true, but we have many other shared interests and for nerdy fun I have my nerdy friends (mostly guys, a handful of girls).

If you are looking for someone who suffered emotional and or physical abuse as a teenager because of their interests, then yes, you're a jerk. If you're just looking for a nerdy girlfriend, don't tell them any of this because they'll probably just leave.

 

[Hoplon]

Snipped for brevity

I find this kind of offensive to be honest.

Why would it be worse for women? I went to an all girl's school where bullying was, it's safe to say, the norm and while I did experience bullying, I wouldn't say it was any worse than what a guy might go through. The bullying was perhaps different, girls tend to use emotional warfare as opposed to physical confrontation, but that doesn't mean the consequences were any more severe and it certainly didn't affect how many friends I had.

Most of my girlfriends are not nerds, that's true, but we have many other shared interests and for nerdy fun I have my nerdy friends (mostly guys, a handful of girls).

If you are looking for someone who suffered emotional and or physical abuse as a teenager because of their interests, then yes, you're a jerk. If you're just looking for a nerdy girlfriend, don't tell them any of this because they'll probably just leave.

Pretty much this and this is a mind set a lot of men seem to be in. Stop setting some arbitrary limits on people you will be interested in because they are horse shit. If you have those things in common great, but don't exclude some one because you don't.

 

[small]

It's definitely easier for a female to.. hide it is the wrong word.. be able to balance it with normal interests.
As an example my best friend is a 40yo woman, has 8 kids yet shes the biggest batman fan i know and is a walking batman encyclopaedia not to mention shes an avid gamer as well. none of those things you would even know until you got to know her a bit

 

[Johnny Novgorod]

I realize you want to share your interests with someone else, but nerdiness isn't some rare ancient knowledge to which people immediately respond. It's not like the minute two nerds lock eyes their lives are instantly welded together. I mean suppose you find this "nerdy girl" and doesn't like the books/movies/shows/games/comics/porn you like. Or maybe she does but you're not attracted to her. Or she's too young for you. Or too old. Or has a boyfriend. Or a girlfriend. Or is completely asexual. Or just got out of a relationship and she's not ready for that kind of commitment, you know, it wouldn't be fair to you?

You know the thing you should be looking after? Humor. If you can laugh at the same things, boom, marry that person.

 

[manic_depressive13]

I realize you want to share your interests with someone else, but nerdiness isn't some rare ancient knowledge to which people immediately respond. It's not like the minute two nerds lock eyes their lives are instantly welded together. I mean suppose you find this "nerdy girl" and doesn't like the books/movies/shows/games/comics/porn you like. Or maybe she does but you're not attracted to her. Or she's too young for you. Or too old. Or has a boyfriend. Or a girlfriend. Or is completely asexual. Or just got out of a relationship and she's not ready for that kind of commitment, you know, it wouldn't be fair to you?

You know the thing you should be looking after? Humor. If you can laugh at the same things, boom, marry that person.

Yeah but if you meet someone you really like and they don't watch the same shows as you, there's nothing stopping the two of you from taking an interest in each other and watching those shows together. However, if someone's never played a game in their life they're going to be spectacularly shit. Like really, really bad. This will be a massive obstacle if you want to introduce them to (or if they want to participate in) your hobby. At least if you really love FPSs but your partner only likes RPGs, they still have mastery over mechanics such as walking and controlling the camera at the same time. So I can understand wanting to find someone who has at least dipped their toes in the water.

Talking about "nerdy girls" like they're unicorns who should be bagged on sight is pretty weird though, I'll concede.

 

[Johnny Novgorod]

Talking about "nerdy girls" like they're unicorns who should be bagged on sight is pretty weird though, I'll concede.

Well, they're certainly a blessing.

 

[Eclectic Dreck]

Everyone is a nerd about something. My wife is even a nerd about a few traditional nerd things but, sadly, she doesn't really play games. That does not mean it is impossible to meaningfully include her in that hobby - it just means it takes a bit more work than simply tossing her a computer and asking her to log into Planetside with me.

 

[Phasmal]

Girls/women who are/were into nerdy things....well, things must have or do suck even worse for them than they do for nerdy guys. I'm guessing a nerdy girl in school would have problems getting along with other girls because she's nerdy, and at BEST she gets suspicion from the guys for being fake, at WORST they become creepy. The best case scenario is a smaller circle of friends. At worst (and possibly more likely depending on where and/or when one went through their schooling) it might have meant little to no friends at all.

The only way it was `worse` for me is that I struggled to find girls with the same interests as me (and I went to an all-girl school so back then it was a thing), and guys thought they had a free pass to be patronizing to me about the things I liked because they were `for them` and not `for me`.

I don't know how old you are, but being out of school and having a defined group of nerdy friends means I barely deal with this personally anymore. Hey, I still get the odd guy who decides to `explain` games to me, ask me questions and `warn` my friends of my possible fakeness- or my favourite- the guy who stares at you like you're a dog who learned to talk.

These are all irritating, but not so much as to make me give up games. Nothing could do that.

....that must just...suck. Flat-out be awful and terrible. and the worst part is that here I am LOOKING for someone who went through that. What kind of a horrible person am I to wish that on someone else just so I have someone to take out to a movie and dinner and then come home and play Portal 2 with? It makes me feel like a jerk. I didn't have a lot of friends going through school, but damn...

1. Not all girl nerds were bullied.

2. Not all bullied nerd girls let it define them.

I think you're over thinking it. It's not like you require a girl who has been bullied or teased. You just want someone who likes the things you do.

Anyway....am I totally off-base with this? It's just a thought I had based on what I remember from my own years in school and how, to an extent, society still works. Does this still happen to girls who enjoy 'nerdy' things? Is it as bad as I'm thinking it probably was? The girls I do know who share my interests have thus far agreed that yes, it was bad, and yes, I'm kinda on-point with what I'm thinking. But what about everyone else? Any thoughts? Stories? Am I right or wrong to be feeling like a jerk for wanting to date someone who shares my interests?

You're not wrong for wanting to date someone with your interests. I've said before I'd never date someone who didn't play games. It's too big a part of my interests.

I realize it's harder for guys to have this as a requirement, but that's just how it is. You can always introduce girls into gaming/general nerdery.

My advice to guys who want to have a girlfriend who is into the same things is - don't be freaky about it. Like, the guy who congratulated my boyfriend for getting (his words) `the prize, man!`. Don't be that guy. Nobody likes that guy.

Just be chill about it.

 

[Lilikins]

To be quite plain, I dont see why you have the 'urge' to have a nerdy girlfriend/partner.. sure 'some' interests are shared but thats not what its all about? Do you have fun with the other person, do they make you happy, can you have a laugh together? if all three of those questions were answered with a yes then thats the person.
Sure it helps if your Significant other has the same hobbys as you but...it doesnt have to be necessary. I have a friend for instance who loves gaming, his wife doesnt really. Well, theyve been married for 10 years now, have a kid and are getting along greatly. She doesnt game with us, but they have enough other stuff to do together.
What Im trying to get at with all this...dont make that your single criteria for finding a gf, its lunacy and wont work out for the most part. Look at it in this perspective, lets say that person has so many other traits you simply cant get along with, would you still go out/date her if she was a mega nerd? Most likely not..seeing as theres so many other things that dont work out.

Just my 2 cents

 

[AdagioBoognish]

snip

You'd be surprised by the number of girls who are into 'nerdy' things. My buddy just started dating a girl who seems completely 'normal', but it turns out she's busy every other week with a D&D group. My girlfriend's sister told me to go fuck myself the other day, because I expressed my opinion that spider-man is a whiny little boy who, after 51 years, needs to get over himself. There are a lot of girls who don't identify as nerds, but feel passionately about the same hobbies you do.

I'm sure it's different for everyone, but I never got into a serious relationship until I stopped looking for one and just started having fun.

 

[Ratty]

That sucks about your coworker. But no you're not wrong for wanting someone who has similar interests, you're just over-thinking that. However putting "nerdy girls" on such pedestal is a mistake. The person you wind up with could be completely different, and you shouldn't limit yourself.

The person who makes you happy could be into totally different things than you are. One of the joys of a relationship (particularly early on) is exploring and experiencing each other's interests. If for example the person you find is really into, say, Basketball. You might be able to become a fan of the game and you might not. But you'll see the joy that it brings your partner and you can appreciate and enjoy that at the least.

I know this from experience.
I had vague ideas about what my "ideal partner" would be like, and when I met my fiancee she matched some of them. But she blew most of my expectations of the kind of woman I would fall for out of the water in the most wonderful ways.

I started playing video games as a hobby because it was one of her big interests and I wanted to understand and spend as much time with her as I could. Because just being around her and seeing her enjoy herself made me so deliriously happy, and still does. For my part, I helped get her into laughing at/making fun of cheesy old movies (like those on MST3K) with me. Which is something I've enjoyed doing since I was a kid.
There are of course some hobbies/interests we don't share (like she doesn't care for tabletop RPGs) but we can both enjoy that these things make the other one of us happy.

 

[Vegosiux]

You know what nerdy girls are? They're girls. And girls are people. So...you know, just don't get hung up on the "nerdy" bit. If you're compatible, there's going to be some osmosis between your hobbies one way or another.