Story Pitch (Looking for Feedback)

[Soviet Heavy]

So, like many others, I love to write stories. However, I also want to be original, so I am striving to make a story that is unique. To this end, I've come up with a story pitch that I'd like some feedback on.

Spoiler: Call Me Mal

Set in a fantasy world where technology is slowly beginning to overtake magic, the last great mage attempts to return things to the way they were, when magic was not limited by logic and science. However, upon tapping into the source of magic, the last great mage goes a bit too far.... accidentally becoming the world's first god. This act drives him insane, turning the mage into Mal, the Mad God.

Having the world be run by a Mad God isn't the most beneficial form of religion. Being mad, nothing Mal does makes sense, he is the very essence of madness and chaos made manifest. There is no rhyme or reason for his actions, he simply does things for his own amusement, be they evil or good.

However, Mal's insanity has a bad habit of causing major problems for the world. The Twelve Old Men are responsible for keeping the world afloat in space, the Dark Sea between the worlds. Above the world is the Great Mirror, which one day the world may look up to and see what has become of it. Mal's sudden godhood throws a wrench into this prophecy. He accidentally causes the Twelve Old Men to disappear, making the world "sink" into the Dark Sea, sending it hurtling into the unknown.

With their prophecy ruined, the world is getting fed up with Mal's sporadic nature. However, he is also the only one who can bring the world back to the way it was. The world's inhabitants have to grudgingly accept Mal as their god and hope that he some day return the world to its original spot.

What follows is a series of bizarre adventures as the world goes spinning through the void, passing by other worlds and strange creations. All the while, Mal has to come to grips with being God, and trying to deal with his raging insanity.

What do you guys think of this premise? I know it could use some tweaking, but I'd like to hear your opinions on the concept.

 

[TheSolemnHypnotic]

I love bizarre things like this. Highly original and it makes me happy to see such creativity. I say go for it! Just curious, what media are you aiming for? And if you don't mind, how old are you?
PS Im not a creeper, just curious.

 

[Soviet Heavy]

I love bizarre things like this. Highly original and it makes me happy to see such creativity. I say go for it! Just curious, what media are you aiming for? And if you don't mind, how old are you?
PS Im not a creeper, just curious.

Eighteen. I figure this would work best in novel format. I'm no good at comic style pacing, even though that medium would definitely lend itself well to the visual aspect of the story.

 

[eternal-chaplain]

Oh, you know I first I thought things going one way which would leave a lot of room for 'improvement', but of course then I got to that last little bit end about what follows, and I really do like the premise of this, and it is likely something i would like reading. ^_^

And like the person above said: Highly Original.

 

[TheSolemnHypnotic]

Cool. I think novel format would be best (in volumes, correct?) considering how dense the story seems it might be. I'm already excited to read it haha

 

[The Chaz]

Which perspective are you intending to tell the story from? The story will obviously heavily involve Mal, but will he be the protagonist? (You can use that term as loosely as you like.)

 

[Soviet Heavy]

Which perspective are you intending to tell the story from? The story will obviously heavily involve Mal, but will he be the protagonist? (You can use that term as loosely as you like.)

Well, my writing is inspired by the likes of Terry Pratchett or Douglas Adams, with their off kilter storytelling. I'm thinking I'll use third person omnipotent, so that I can jump between a bunch of different characters on the fly. Having the whole thing play out from Mal's perspective would be tricky, because it would be difficult to contrast his craziness against the rest of the world's more grounded realities.

 

[Mr Thin]

I was gonna say that it should be a dark comedy, until you said that you're inspired by Terry Pratchett, in which case that's probably the road you're going down already.

But yes, it's an excellent premise that gives you a lot of freedom to do... whatever, really. Who knows what weirdness hides within The Dark Sea?

Final note: Mal breaking a prophecy and casting the world into darkness entirely by accident sounds hilarious. Trope-defying is always good for a laugh.

 

[DJDarque]

This sounds intriguing. It may not be very constructive feedback, but I would definitely like to read this.

 

[The Chaz]

Well, my writing is inspired by the likes of Terry Pratchett or Douglas Adams, with their off kilter storytelling. I'm thinking I'll use third person omnipotent, so that I can jump between a bunch of different characters on the fly. Having the whole thing play out from Mal's perspective would be tricky, because it would be difficult to contrast his craziness against the rest of the world's more grounded realities.

First of all; props. Douglas Adams is the man. Furthermore, I agree that your best bet would be third person omnipotent. Telling it mainly from Mal's perspective would quickly turn into a character study, which would be cool and interesting in it's own right, but would drift away from the telling of a broader tale in a practical manner.

I would be interested to see where you take this. You've given yourself a fairly vast canvas to begin with. Just from the pitch you've posted, you could explore themes of obedience, allegiance, and power; as well as, on the more physical side, explore any number of varied worlds and civilizations.

Keep us posted.

 

[GamerKT]

I'd suggest deleting this before someone rips you off, bro.

 

[gideonkain]

I'm going to be brutally honest but hopefully constructive:

Set in a fantasy world where technology is slowly beginning to overtake magic... (Final Fantasy 3)

This act drives him insane, turning the mage into Mal, the Mad God... (Sheogorath, Skyrim)

Being mad, nothing Mal(comn Reynolds) does makes sense, he is the very essence of madness and chaos made manifest.
(Like Loki and every other mad god)

The Twelve Old Men are responsible for keeping the world afloat in space... (The 7 Sages sealing Ganon in Zelda)

Above the world is the Great Mirror, which one day the world may look up to and see what has become of it. (Do people not look up nowadays, what does that even mean?)

What follows is a series of bizarre adventures as the world goes spinning through the void, passing by other worlds and strange creations... (This is a good idea, I like it)

All the while, Mal has to come to grips with being God, and trying to deal with his raging insanity...(clearly Delirium from Sandman)

So far you have a vague setting, you don't have a plot or a story, it's very important to have something you want to say when your writing a story otherwise your just going to be a historian for a world that only exists in your head.

Explaining all these mechanics to a new reader leaves them bewildered and doesn't endear them to your story but drives them away.

I'm not sure if "God" is the right word for Mal, you can't really become a "God" unless you create the people that worship you. Mal is just an omnipotent being like Q from Star Trek. Unless he inherits some tasks like Tim Allen becoming Santa Claus

If your entire book is about Mal becoming the Mad God you have a story, but when you set out to create an entire series you will almost always be left with a pile of papers and little else.

 

[loudestmute]

This definitely sounds like a premise with some potential. Plenty of ways to explore Mal's relationship with his citizens, especially the ones that happen to annoy him on that particular day he decides to save the world.

*tries to avoid pitching concrete plot points to add in because that seems kinda dick-ish*

 

[Soviet Heavy]

I'm going to be brutally honest but hopefully constructive:

Set in a fantasy world where technology is slowly beginning to overtake magic... (Final Fantasy 3)

This act drives him insane, turning the mage into Mal, the Mad God... (Sheogorath, Skyrim)

Being mad, nothing Mal(comn Reynolds) does makes sense, he is the very essence of madness and chaos made manifest.
(Like Loki and every other mad god)

The Twelve Old Men are responsible for keeping the world afloat in space... (The 7 Sages sealing Ganon in Zelda)

Above the world is the Great Mirror, which one day the world may look up to and see what has become of it. (Do people not look up nowadays, what does that even mean?)

What follows is a series of bizarre adventures as the world goes spinning through the void, passing by other worlds and strange creations... (This is a good idea, I like it)

All the while, Mal has to come to grips with being God, and trying to deal with his raging insanity...(clearly Delirium from Sandman)

So far you have a vague setting, you don't have a plot or a story, it's very important to have something you want to say when your writing a story otherwise your just going to be a historian for a world that only exists in your head.

Explaining all these mechanics to a new reader leaves them bewildered and doesn't endear them to your story but drives them away.

I'm not sure if "God" is the right word for Mal, you can't really become a "God" unless you create the people that worship you. Mal is just an omnipotent being like Q from Star Trek. Unless he inherits some tasks like Tim Allen becoming Santa Claus

If your entire book is about Mal becoming the Mad God you have a story, but when you set out to create an entire series you will almost always be left with a pile of papers and little else.

I appreciate the criticism. And yes, I know this is just a rough draft that is very vague. I do intend to flesh things out; these were the first few random ideas that have been swirling in my head for the past few days.

Yes, I freely admit that this isn't so much a story yet as it is a setting. It needs more fine tuning, and I need to work on just what the main story will be.

Still, I thank you for your suggestions, and I will take them to heart. No point in writing for other people to enjoy if I disregard their opinions.

 

[JdaS]

Which perspective are you intending to tell the story from? The story will obviously heavily involve Mal, but will he be the protagonist? (You can use that term as loosely as you like.)

Well, my writing is inspired by the likes of Terry Pratchett or Douglas Adams, with their off kilter storytelling. I'm thinking I'll use third person omnipotent, so that I can jump between a bunch of different characters on the fly. Having the whole thing play out from Mal's perspective would be tricky, because it would be difficult to contrast his craziness against the rest of the world's more grounded realities.

Definitely caught the Terry Pratchett vibe from you original post. It still manages to be a very original and interesting idea though. I think you should definitely keep building on this, hell, keep us posted. Sounds like something I'd want to read.

 

[gideonkain]

I appreciate the criticism. And yes, I know this is just a rough draft that is very vague. I do intend to flesh things out; these were the first few random ideas that have been swirling in my head for the past few days.

Yes, I freely admit that this isn't so much a story yet as it is a setting. It needs more fine tuning, and I need to work on just what the main story will be.

Still, I thank you for your suggestions, and I will take them to heart. No point in writing for other people to enjoy if I disregard their opinions.

That was awesome of you to say, a good creative person must be able to take criticisms because they construct their worlds fully formed and glorious in their imaginations.

Other people don't have the benefit of being able to see it's grandeur. (yet)

What I brought away from your world so far is that it's not a "planet" like earth or the rest of the universe but a "realm" that has it's own set of physics (like magic and the need to "tend to" it's continued existence) I think that's a real strength to having a world that is like a ship in the vast sea.

If Mal has this mantle of "God" what makes him that? Does he gain power from worshipers (Black & White), is he just a spoiled child-man (every pantheon of gods ever created in literature) or does he actually have a role to play, i.e. - if there wasn't a God before him, how did the world stay "afloat" before these Old Men (Greybeards, Skyrim) did what ever they do (Chant? Type in 4 8 15 16 23 42 every few hours? maintain the magic machines, w/e)

 

[Soviet Heavy]

I appreciate the criticism. And yes, I know this is just a rough draft that is very vague. I do intend to flesh things out; these were the first few random ideas that have been swirling in my head for the past few days.

Yes, I freely admit that this isn't so much a story yet as it is a setting. It needs more fine tuning, and I need to work on just what the main story will be.

Still, I thank you for your suggestions, and I will take them to heart. No point in writing for other people to enjoy if I disregard their opinions.

That was awesome of you to say, a good creative person must be able to take criticisms because they construct their worlds fully formed and glorious in their imaginations.

What I brought away from your world so far is that it's not a "planet" like earth or the rest of the universe but a "realm" that has it's own set of physics (like magic and the need to "tend to" it's continued existence) I think that's a real strength to having a world that is like a ship in the vast sea.

If Mal has this mantle of "God" what makes him that? Does he gain power from worshipers (Black & White), is he just a spoiled child-man (every pantheon of gods ever created in literature) or does he actually have a role to play, i.e. - if there wasn't a God before him, how did the world stay "afloat" before these Old Men (Greybeards, Skyrim) did what ever they do (Chant? Type in 4 8 15 16 23 42 every few hours? maintain the magic machines, w/e)

Mal is the world's first omnipotent being in a long time. Before logic and science began putting a strain on magic, the mages ruled in your standard fantasy magocracy. Since magic was more common then, people just saw the towering overlords of the mages as being part of everyday life, nothing really special about them.

A few thousand years down the line, and magic has been falling into disrepair. Old ways are forgotten, replaced, and left behind. Mal's accidental transformation into the being he is now is seen by some as a divine occurrence, leading to his worship. And Mal decides to role with it.

The Twelve Old Men are statues that were believed to hold the world afloat in the Dark Sea. They may have been alive at one point, during the time of the mages, but as the magic waned, they did so as well. By the time Mal accidentally vanishes them, most people see them more as symbolic than as actual magic floatation devices. Their disappearance and the resulting chaos changes peoples minds.

So after royally screwing up the world's position in the universe and sending it into freefall, people have to look to Mal as the one who can fix the problem. If he wants to. If he can. There's no guaranteeing he can change things back to the way they were, so Mal and the inhabitants of the world have to learn to get along with each other for mutual benefit.

Still some kinks I know, but I want Mal to be a bit scatterbrained and unsure of just what he has to do as a God.

 

[Issurru]

If it's in novel form I would like to see it from some separate viewpoints in each novel. I would like to see the first one mainly centered around mal. Then possibly jump around between a few select main characters. I also would like to know what exactly happened to the 12 old men. I think this has great potential. I wish I was that creative, or motivated to be creative.

I hate reading, but this idea kinda grabs my attention. Which may not sound like much. But out of dozens of books i've attempted to read (even in school for projects and stuff I never bothered) I only thought two were good enough to devote any effort. One was Enders Game, the other was White Fox Chronicles. So in other words if you can grab my attention even for A bit you must be doing a good job

 

[Tratchet]

So, like many others, I love to write stories. However, I also want to be original, so I am striving to make a story that is unique. To this end, I've come up with a story pitch that I'd like some feedback on.

Spoiler: Call Me Mal

Set in a fantasy world where technology is slowly beginning to overtake magic, the last great mage attempts to return things to the way they were, when magic was not limited by logic and science. However, upon tapping into the source of magic, the last great mage goes a bit too far.... accidentally becoming the world's first god. This act drives him insane, turning the mage into Mal, the Mad God.

Having the world be run by a Mad God isn't the most beneficial form of religion. Being mad, nothing Mal does makes sense, he is the very essence of madness and chaos made manifest. There is no rhyme or reason for his actions, he simply does things for his own amusement, be they evil or good.

However, Mal's insanity has a bad habit of causing major problems for the world. The Twelve Old Men are responsible for keeping the world afloat in space, the Dark Sea between the worlds. Above the world is the Great Mirror, which one day the world may look up to and see what has become of it. Mal's sudden godhood throws a wrench into this prophecy. He accidentally causes the Twelve Old Men to disappear, making the world "sink" into the Dark Sea, sending it hurtling into the unknown.

With their prophecy ruined, the world is getting fed up with Mal's sporadic nature. However, he is also the only one who can bring the world back to the way it was. The world's inhabitants have to grudgingly accept Mal as their god and hope that he some day return the world to its original spot.

What follows is a series of bizarre adventures as the world goes spinning through the void, passing by other worlds and strange creations. All the while, Mal has to come to grips with being God, and trying to deal with his raging insanity.

What do you guys think of this premise? I know it could use some tweaking, but I'd like to hear your opinions on the concept.

I think this sounds intriguing, but you should be very careful of trying to invoke the same style as Terry Pratchett and Douglas Adams. I haven't read the hitchhikers guide to the galaxy, but I've read a ton of Terry Pratchett, and while the design of his world is creative his real strength is his consistent and wonderful character development. Your description is almost all about the world and setting while there is next to nothing about a plot or characters (with the exception of Mal). I understand that often writers come up with the world and setting before the plot and characters, but you should never forget that the world and setting are there to serve the plot and characters, not the other way around.

That's my opinion anyway. Sorry I didn't comment on the premise much. It sounds interesting, if a little cliche in some parts (a mad god, technology vs. magic, an ancient prophecy). Cliches aren't bad necessarily. After all, nothing new is under the sun, but you should be careful to try and play the cliches out in interesting ways. Good luck with your story.