Story

[PurpleLeafRave]

I'm currently in year 11, and I am thinking of taking English for A level. (obviously English education.)
I've written the opening to a story, and would like some feedback on it. Do you reckon if I carried on with it, it would make a good book? And how good it the quality of my writing.(how can i improve?)
Thanks.

Spoiler

?You joined this platoon because you do not fear death.? There was a deathly silence in the fog of the forest, aside from the nervous twitching of the Cyrads. They were surrounded by lush vegetation and giant ferns ? the moon shining through the gaps in the leaves, creating skeletal shadows on their armour.
Armour splattered with the blood of many races. However, there were no red blotches to be seen, just greens, blues and purples. The armour once golden and noble, was now scratched and dented like tin foil, and they were no longer fighting for honour or for a cause, but because they had a blood lust and a constant need for a larger empire.
The warriors in formation, lead by Cyron, were all below the age of 18, and had been plucked from adoption homes across their home planet, Eito, at the age of 6. The training that followed took place in forests like the one they were standing in, and it brought back haunting memories for many of them ? of betrayal and desperate brawling with aliens twice or three times their size. They would be let loose in a gladiator?s arena, with no weapons but their bare hands.
?Pain is temporary. But the memory lives on. You may not fear death, but I can assure you. You will see comrades fall this night.?
Cyron snapped his fingers and the wind howled through the trees. The groaning noise made was spine tingling.
?That noise will be imprinted in your minds, and you will be thinking ?I could have saved them. If I was stronger.? But I want you to know, you are my best men. I handpicked you so you could get the job done. And if you let friendships get in the way of your objectives, then you are weak. Some of you will die today, but you are responsible for nothing if you get the job done.?
The earth beneath them began to rumble, and they all knew what would happen next. Power was being drawn from the core of the planet, and a pocket of particles before them began to split.
Cyron, without warning, blew the battle horn and the Cyrads stood to attention, their spears poised. The portal shot open, and the blue radiation from it was penetrated by moonlight, creating a sparkling sea on the earth.
?They know were coming. Be ready.? murmured Cyron as he dived through the gateway. The Cyrads followed, uncertain what would await them in the new world. They didn?t care much though, as it was about to become part of their empire.

Oh, and the place they are going to through the portal is Earth.

 

[thiosk]

I think you simply need more practice. Nothing was really pulling me in here; it was vaguely reminiscent a Warhammer 40k novel. Thats basically the only universe such a "pep talk" would work in.

Need to up the vocab too. For instance, "the moon casting skeletal shadows" rather than creating.

Honestly, if you are going for gritty spacewar story, why don't you read The Founding by Dan Abnett; I've finished the first two books in that omnibus and they were fantastic. Would help a lot for basic plot concept and charachter design.

Same goes for Caiphus Cain: HERO OF THE IMPERIUM.

Less gritty, more fun, same backstory.

Finally, for more apocalyptic sci fi writing, read Foundation; issac was able to weave functional characters in a very small number of pages.

 

[PurpleLeafRave]

*post deleted*

 

[PurpleLeafRave]

I think you simply need more practice. Nothing was really pulling me in here; it was vaguely reminiscent a Warhammer 40k novel. Thats basically the only universe such a "pep talk" would work in.

Need to up the vocab too. For instance, "the moon casting skeletal shadows" rather than creating.

Honestly, if you are going for gritty spacewar story, why don't you read The Founding by Dan Abnett; I've finished the first two books in that omnibus and they were fantastic. Would help a lot for basic plot concept and charachter design.

Same goes for Caiphus Cain: HERO OF THE IMPERIUM.

Less gritty, more fun, same backstory.

Finally, for more apocalyptic sci fi writing, read Foundation; issac was able to weave functional characters in a very small number of pages.

Thanks, I'll have to read that. And thanks for the feedback.

 

[PurpleLeafRave]

I'm currently in year 11, and I am thinking of taking English for A level. (obviously English education.)
I've written the opening to a story, and would like some feedback on it. Do you reckon if I carried on with it, it would make a good book? And how good it the quality of my writing.(how can i improve?)
Thanks.

Spoiler

?You joined this platoon because you do not fear death.? There was a deathly silence in the fog of the forest, aside from the nervous twitching of the Cyrads. They were surrounded by lush vegetation and giant ferns ? the moon shining through the gaps in the leaves, creating skeletal shadows on their armour.
Armour splattered with the blood of many races. However, there were no red blotches to be seen, just greens, blues and purples. The armour once golden and noble, was now scratched and dented like tin foil, and they were no longer fighting for honour or for a cause, but because they had a blood lust and a constant need for a larger empire.
The warriors in formation, lead by Cyron, were all below the age of 18, and had been plucked from adoption homes across their home planet, Eito, at the age of 6. The training that followed took place in forests like the one they were standing in, and it brought back haunting memories for many of them ? of betrayal and desperate brawling with aliens twice or three times their size. They would be let loose in a gladiator?s arena, with no weapons but their bare hands.
?Pain is temporary. But the memory lives on. You may not fear death, but I can assure you. You will see comrades fall this night.?
Cyron snapped his fingers and the wind howled through the trees. The groaning noise made was spine tingling.
?That noise will be imprinted in your minds, and you will be thinking ?I could have saved them. If I was stronger.? But I want you to know, you are my best men. I handpicked you so you could get the job done. And if you let friendships get in the way of your objectives, then you are weak. Some of you will die today, but you are responsible for nothing if you get the job done.?
The earth beneath them began to rumble, and they all knew what would happen next. Power was being drawn from the core of the planet, and a pocket of particles before them began to split.
Cyron, without warning, blew the battle horn and the Cyrads stood to attention, their spears poised. The portal shot open, and the blue radiation from it was penetrated by moonlight, creating a sparkling sea on the earth.
?They know were coming. Be ready.? murmured Cyron as he dived through the gateway. The Cyrads followed, uncertain what would await them in the new world. They didn?t care much though, as it was about to become part of their empire.

Oh, and the place they are going to through the portal is Earth.

My usual feelings on that kind of Science Fiction is that it's all utter garbage, but damn... I want to read the rest of that.

That means alot, thanks. When I've written some more I'll probally put the file on here. (If that's possible.)

 

[PurpleLeafRave]

Why take english, take physics, Biology, Maths and ICT like i did and have like no free time.

I'm taking Maths mechanics, Physics, Computing and English literature.

 

[comadorcrack]

English literature.

ITS A TRAP!

Seriously though. English literature isn't that great D=

 

[PurpleLeafRave]

Why take english, take physics, Biology, Maths and ICT like i did and have like no free time.

I'm taking Maths mechanics, Physics, Computing and English literature.

hmmm those are some good options. A-level is so much more work than gcse, I found you can't just get by on natural inteligence like I did for gcse. You actualia have to put in alot of time to get the grades. But yes those are good choices.

When you say you have to put in alot of time, do you mean because theres lots of it or it's hard?

 

[PurpleLeafRave]

English literature.

ITS A TRAP!

Seriously though. English literature isn't that great D=

I hear that.
GCSE is entrance to university or is that A levels?

It goes GCSE, A level, uni.

 

[Catchy Slogan]

Hmm. Interesting, but what's the story going to be about? Are we just going to follow these guys around and watch them slaughter people for funsies, or are we going to see the POV from the people on Earth, and how they fight back. It would be intresting how you would do with character developement for these two different types of people.

I'm finding it hard to get hooked onto it without some form of back story, but I am interested as to where you would be going with this.

Have you ever practiced creative writing before, or is this your first try, becasue if it is, then it's not too bad.

 

[Katherine Kerensky]

My, that is a good piece of writing, but it could do with a few minor changes.
As others have said, it is a bit close to W40K, but I also find it a bit close to the Halo universe in some ways.

With a bit more practice (Not too much, that's pretty good already, just need to build some more vocabulary), I think you'll do fine.

English literature.

ITS A TRAP!

Seriously though. English literature isn't that great D=

I only agree as far as poetry goes *Shudders*.
all that meaningless gibberish... what does it mean?!!

 

[The Maddest March Hare]

Hmm good story, but you do fall into the trap of being too descriptive. You need to give those poor adjectives a little time to breathe, you have a good use of language but it's often best to set a scene in a little less detail but in a way that let's the reader make the atmosphere themselves in their heads. It's the difference between a subtle picture of the scene, and just having it thrown in your face.

As for using it in a book, I'd suggest you work through A level English and get better acquainted with the subtleties of writing a good fiction, as well as possibly posting further stories on here for feedback. We're a pretty well educated bunch and apart from the odd troll you'll mostly just get decent tips for improvement.

You're definitely good though, and you'll improve through A level if you decide to take it.

This is coming from a guy who passed AS and A2 English in under 3 months, coming out with a B :]

 

[Optimus Hagrid]

I actually found it pretty cool. It could benefit from a wider vocabulary however.

 

[ThreeWords]

A-level is so much more work than gcse, I found you can't just get by on natural inteligence like I did for gcse. You actualia have to put in alot of time to get the grades.

Aww crap. Next year won't go so well

(I'm in the same boat as 05rutterb, choosing my A-levels)

 

[Cherry Cola]

My, that is a good piece of writing, but it could do with a few minor changes.
As others have said, it is a bit close to W40K, but I also find it a bit close to the Halo universe in some ways.

With a bit more practice (Not too much, that's pretty good already, just need to build some more vocabulary), I think you'll do fine.

English literature.

ITS A TRAP!

Seriously though. English literature isn't that great D=

I only agree as far as poetry goes *Shudders*.
all that meaningless gibberish... what does it mean?!!

If you make up your own words and write something completely average that just rhymes in an almost incomprehensible way, you'll be famous.

 

[Katherine Kerensky]

If you make up your own words and write something completely average that just rhymes in an almost incomprehensible way, you'll be famous.

Only tempting thing about it. well, I don't want fame, but fortune is useful for evil plans.
but you'd need to write quite a few poems for that

 

[PurpleLeafRave]

Hmm. Interesting, but what's the story going to be about? Are we just going to follow these guys around and watch them slaughter people for funsies, or are we going to see the POV from the people on Earth, and how they fight back. It would be intresting how you would do with character developement for these two different types of people.

I'm finding it hard to get hooked onto it without some form of back story, but I am interested as to where you would be going with this.

Have you ever practiced creative writing before, or is this your first try, becasue if it is, then it's not too bad.

Yeah, It's my first try. I don't read very much, but people have suggested books that will help me with storywritng.
And yeah, it's going to be from the POV of the humans aswell, and I'm going to add alot more back story and characters.

 

[damselgaming]

You know that creative writing isn't a main part of studying English. At least not when I did it (2 years ago).

 

[megalomania]

?You joined this platoon because you do not fear death.? There was a deathly silence in the fog of the forest, aside from the nervous twitching of the Cyrads. They were surrounded by lush vegetation and giant ferns ? the moon shining through the gaps in the leaves, creating skeletal shadows on their armour; armour splattered with the blood of many races. However there were no red blotches to be seen, just greens, blues and purples. The armour once golden and noble, was now scratched and dented like tin foil(you were gearing up for a poetic juxtaposition there but kind of missed it - you cant compare it's colour with it's state of repair) , and * they were no longer fighting for honour or for a cause, but * because they had a blood lust and a constant need for a larger empire.
The warriors in formation, lead by Cyron, were all below the age of 18, and * had been plucked from adoption homes across their home planet, Eito, at the age of 6. The training that followed took place in forests like the one they were standing in, and * it brought back haunting memories for many of them ? of betrayal and desperate brawling with aliens two or three times their size; they would be let loose in a gladiator?s arena, with no weapons but their bare hands.
?Pain is temporary. But the memory lives on. You may not fear death, but *I can assure you. You will see comrades fall this night.?
Cyron snapped his fingers and the wind howled through the trees. The groaning noise made was spine tingling.
?That noise will be imprinted in your minds, and * you will be thinking ?I could have saved them. If I was stronger.? But I want you to know, you are my best men. I handpicked you so you could get the job done. And if you let friendships get in the way of your objectives, then you are weak. Some of you will die today, but * you are responsible for nothing if you get the job done.?
The earth beneath them began to rumble, and *they all knew what would happen next. Power was being drawn from the core of the planet, and* a pocket of particles before them began to split.
Cyron, without warning, blew the battle horn and the Cyrads stood to attention, their spears poised. The portal shot open, and* the blue radiation from it was penetrated by moonlight, creating a sparkling sea on the earth.
?They know we're coming. Be ready.? murmured Cyron as he dived through the gateway. The Cyrads followed, uncertain what would await them in the new world. They didn?t care much though, as it was about to become part of their empire.

Its not so bad, reads like a piece of fan fiction though. There's a lot of potential for development of a nice narrative depending on what you do with the rest of the story, remember to develop some characters and not just have a blood bath. Anyway the stars are there for every time you used a conjunction after a comma; you shouldn't do that, not even in speech. You should read a decent punctuation guide because it will make your writing a lot better.

 

[PurpleLeafRave]

*snip*

I understand what you mean with the universe being similar to others, but bear in mind they are going to Earth.
There's going to be flashbacks to their world.

*snip*

Some good tips, thanks. And yeah, I'm going to post a bit more once my skills improve.