Story

[Katherine Kerensky]

*snip*

I understand what you mean with the universe being similar to others, but bear in mind they are going to Earth.
There's going to be flashbacks to their world.

Yeah, it's good that you're doing it as a sort or reverse-invasion. It's always good to be creative and think outside the box.
anyway, I liked it for the most part.

 

[Catchy Slogan]

Hmm. Interesting, but what's the story going to be about? Are we just going to follow these guys around and watch them slaughter people for funsies, or are we going to see the POV from the people on Earth, and how they fight back. It would be intresting how you would do with character developement for these two different types of people.

I'm finding it hard to get hooked onto it without some form of back story, but I am interested as to where you would be going with this.

Have you ever practiced creative writing before, or is this your first try, becasue if it is, then it's not too bad.

Yeah, It's my first try. I don't read very much, but people have suggested books that will help me with storywritng.
And yeah, it's going to be from the POV of the humans aswell, and I'm going to add alot more back story and characters.

Well, Damn. Now that just makes me feel inadequate. I guess you can only get better with more practice, and I'm sure the vast amount of english lit students/majors/whatever will help you out. Personaly, I'd rather jump off a 25 story building into of a pit of used needles than step foot in an english class again, but I'll also be glad to put forward any input I can If and When you post more.

I'm actually quite looking forward to seeing more of the plot. =)

Good Luck!

 

[Kaboose the Moose]

I'm currently in year 11, and I am thinking of taking English for A level. (obviously English education.)
I've written the opening to a story, and would like some feedback on it. Do you reckon if I carried on with it, it would make a good book? And how good it the quality of my writing.(how can i improve?)
Thanks.

Spoiler

?You joined this platoon because you do not fear death.? There was a deathly silence in the fog of the forest, aside from the nervous twitching of the Cyrads. They were surrounded by lush vegetation and giant ferns ? the moon shining through the gaps in the leaves, creating skeletal shadows on their armour.
Armour splattered with the blood of many races. However, there were no red blotches to be seen, just greens, blues and purples. The armour once golden and noble, was now scratched and dented like tin foil, and they were no longer fighting for honour or for a cause, but because they had a blood lust and a constant need for a larger empire.
The warriors in formation, lead by Cyron, were all below the age of 18, and had been plucked from adoption homes across their home planet, Eito, at the age of 6. The training that followed took place in forests like the one they were standing in, and it brought back haunting memories for many of them ? of betrayal and desperate brawling with aliens twice or three times their size. They would be let loose in a gladiator?s arena, with no weapons but their bare hands.
?Pain is temporary. But the memory lives on. You may not fear death, but I can assure you. You will see comrades fall this night.?
Cyron snapped his fingers and the wind howled through the trees. The groaning noise made was spine tingling.
?That noise will be imprinted in your minds, and you will be thinking ?I could have saved them. If I was stronger.? But I want you to know, you are my best men. I handpicked you so you could get the job done. And if you let friendships get in the way of your objectives, then you are weak. Some of you will die today, but you are responsible for nothing if you get the job done.?
The earth beneath them began to rumble, and they all knew what would happen next. Power was being drawn from the core of the planet, and a pocket of particles before them began to split.
Cyron, without warning, blew the battle horn and the Cyrads stood to attention, their spears poised. The portal shot open, and the blue radiation from it was penetrated by moonlight, creating a sparkling sea on the earth.
?They know were coming. Be ready.? murmured Cyron as he dived through the gateway. The Cyrads followed, uncertain what would await them in the new world. They didn?t care much though, as it was about to become part of their empire.

Oh, and the place they are going to through the portal is Earth.

I enjoyed that, thank you!. You could work on the paragraph spacing but I think that's just a Microsoft Word to Escapist conversion problem but other than that, yeah. Nice work!

Oh and with practice you should be able to improve the overall fluidity and paragraph transitions of written work but it's quite good as it is now.

 

[Floppertje]

That's actually a whole lot better than I had expected it to be, though that's not saying much.
But I enjoyed it and that IS saying much.
There is a bit too much ripping off from halo though... kids getting trained from a young age to become space-armored supersoldiers, fighting aliens that are stronger than them, conquering other species to expand their empire? If that does not ring a few bells...
Also, this: "The groaning noise made was spine tingling" is not a good sentence. apart from that, try to avoid using the same word repeatedly, in: "That noise will be imprinted in your minds,", I would replace 'noise' with 'sound', just to make reading it a bit smoother.

Since you are talking about aliens (right?? I assume so since they are about to invade Earth, using a sci-fi portal thing) don't refer to them as 'men', try soldiers or warriors or whatever the hell their race is called. additionally, to avoid confusion, refer to the ground on planets other than Earth as soil, dirt, mud or just ground.
enough nitpickery, on to the bigger stuff.
Aliens conquering other planets because they have a 'need for a larger empire' is not a good story element. It makes it far too easy to fall into the generic space marine crap that we've seen way too much of already, try to give them a decent reason for going to war, like they're all going to die if they don't, they have an incredible food shortage or someone is going to kill their puppies. Desperation ads a layer of atmosphere to your story and it gives the main characters a goal.
Right now it's looking a bit too much like the 'they're evil because someone needs to be' thing. and that's bad.
If you're gonna take this stuff further, make sure you make the characters well, this piece is good for drawing us in, but if you stay at this level for the rest of the story, I'd chuck it in the bin after two chapters.

But despite all the nasty things I just said, I like it, and would read more. If you're going to continue on it, let us know!

 

[Orcus The Ultimate]

good luck!

 

[Spitfire175]

I actually found it pretty cool. It could benefit from a wider vocabulary however.

Ditto. Somewhat... shallow in presentation.

 

[Spitfire175]

That's actually a whole lot better than I had expected it to be, though that's not saying much.
But I enjoyed it and that IS saying much.
There is a bit too much ripping off from halo though... kids getting trained from a young age to become space-armored supersoldiers, fighting aliens that are stronger than them, conquering other species to expand their empire? If that does not ring a few bells...

Halo? Oh come on. Was that a joke? If so, I didn't get it.

 

[Floppertje]

That's actually a whole lot better than I had expected it to be, though that's not saying much.
But I enjoyed it and that IS saying much.
There is a bit too much ripping off from halo though... kids getting trained from a young age to become space-armored supersoldiers, fighting aliens that are stronger than them, conquering other species to expand their empire? If that does not ring a few bells...

Halo? Oh come on. Was that a joke? If so, I didn't get it.

No, I'm being serious. don't you see the similarities? Ok, the human and alien sides are mixed up a bit, but it's still pretty obvious.

aliens conquering other planets for no other reason than wanting a bigger empire - the covenant
kids getting trained to be armored supersoldiers - spartans

No mention of superweapons or spaceships, but it's only the beginning of the story and I wouldn't be surprised if humanity has spaceships, which leads to the humanity fighting for survival against an alien race with superior technology. now if THAT does not sound familiar, I really don't know what else to say.

But like I said, there's great potential here. so steer clear of the ripoffs and cliché's and you'll do just fine. or don't steer clear of them but take another perspective, or don't steer clear and take the same perspective, that's up to you, but you'd better make sure the story is really good and the characters are absolutely 100% totally loveable/relatable/just-the-way-we-like-them if you want your book to stand out from the sea of mediocrity.

I have faith this will work out. Actually makes me want to start writing myself again. If only I had the time...

 

[Spitfire175]

No, I'm being serious. don't you see the similarities? Ok, the human and alien sides are mixed up a bit, but it's still pretty obvious.

aliens conquering other planets for no other reason than wanting a bigger empire - the covenant
kids getting trained to be armored supersoldiers - spartans

No mention of superweapons or spaceships, but it's only the beginning of the story and I wouldn't be surprised if humanity has spaceships, which leads to the humanity fighting for survival against an alien race with superior technology. now if THAT does not sound familiar, I really don't know what else to say.

Of course I see the similarities, but HALO? The most unimaginative and plagiating sci-fi series out there. Is Halo really the best example? Sheesh. If anything, it's ripping off Warhammer 40k and some other super soldier jackoffs from the 80s.

 

[Lord George]

I'm currently in year 11, and I am thinking of taking English for A level. (obviously English education.)
I've written the opening to a story, and would like some feedback on it. Do you reckon if I carried on with it, it would make a good book? And how good it the quality of my writing.(how can i improve?)
Thanks.

Spoiler

?You joined this platoon because you do not fear death.? There was a deathly silence in the fog of the forest, aside from the nervous twitching of the Cyrads. They were surrounded by lush vegetation and giant ferns ? the moon shining through the gaps in the leaves, creating skeletal shadows on their armour.
Armour splattered with the blood of many races. However, there were no red blotches to be seen, just greens, blues and purples. The armour once golden and noble, was now scratched and dented like tin foil, and they were no longer fighting for honour or for a cause, but because they had a blood lust and a constant need for a larger empire.
The warriors in formation, lead by Cyron, were all below the age of 18, and had been plucked from adoption homes across their home planet, Eito, at the age of 6. The training that followed took place in forests like the one they were standing in, and it brought back haunting memories for many of them ? of betrayal and desperate brawling with aliens twice or three times their size. They would be let loose in a gladiator?s arena, with no weapons but their bare hands.
?Pain is temporary. But the memory lives on. You may not fear death, but I can assure you. You will see comrades fall this night.?
Cyron snapped his fingers and the wind howled through the trees. The groaning noise made was spine tingling.
?That noise will be imprinted in your minds, and you will be thinking ?I could have saved them. If I was stronger.? But I want you to know, you are my best men. I handpicked you so you could get the job done. And if you let friendships get in the way of your objectives, then you are weak. Some of you will die today, but you are responsible for nothing if you get the job done.?
The earth beneath them began to rumble, and they all knew what would happen next. Power was being drawn from the core of the planet, and a pocket of particles before them began to split.
Cyron, without warning, blew the battle horn and the Cyrads stood to attention, their spears poised. The portal shot open, and the blue radiation from it was penetrated by moonlight, creating a sparkling sea on the earth.
?They know were coming. Be ready.? murmured Cyron as he dived through the gateway. The Cyrads followed, uncertain what would await them in the new world. They didn?t care much though, as it was about to become part of their empire.

Oh, and the place they are going to through the portal is Earth.

Just a word to you, English Lit doesn't have much to do with creative writing (I'd check which modules your school does first, even the ones that do cover it only do it for one module I believe.) Its mostly analysis of texts and interpretations of it.

The story was okay, it didn't really make me want to read on, also could use a wider vocabulary with some more interesting words thrown in here and there, especially on the descriptive parts.

 

[Floppertje]

ah, so THAT was your point.
I sincerely apologize, good sir.
unfortunately, I never played warhammer, and I wasn't around in the 80's. I do admit to mentally living there, but that's only where music is concerned, so I wouldn't know if it rips off from anything back then.
but the ripping off is not a major issue here, just something to be avoided.

 

[Disaster Button]

What's a Cyrad?

 

[Floppertje]

What's a Cyrad?

It's either the alien race he's talking about or some name for members of the SpecOps unit, like spartans, gears, seals, etc.

 

[Disaster Button]

What's a Cyrad?

It's either the alien race he's talking about or some name for members of the SpecOps unit, like spartans, gears, seals, etc.

Hmm. An explanation would be nice, or hell maybe just a description of their appearence as opposed to a random name.
But it sounds more alieny I think.

 

[chromewarriorXIII]

Definitely a great start. Got me hooked quickly and and kept my attention until the end. A couple of grammar issues and you might want to look over the wording and see if it can be changed for the better. Otherwise, great! Can't wait to see more!

 

[Floppertje]

What's a Cyrad?

It's either the alien race he's talking about or some name for members of the SpecOps unit, like spartans, gears, seals, etc.

Hmm. An explanation would be nice, or hell maybe just a description of their appearence as opposed to a random name.
But it sounds more alieny I think.

Definitely, but don't forget this is just the first paragraph, so there's plenty of time for that later. would be cool to first describe them through the eyes of the humans when they're first attacked.

@OP: Should be careful with that though, make sure you write down a definite description, or maybe draw them like concept art. same goes for your characters. you DON'T want to make the mistake Dietz did, where a sergeant changes gender mid-sentence. stuff like that screws up your reputation as a writer.

 

[Puzzles]

Don't get discouraged, but it didn't really hook me. I think the writing needs a bit of improvement before it can be read without grammatical errors jarring me out of the story.

I look at some of the stuff I wrote at that age, that seemed amazing to me back then, and it's all utter garbage and cliche. Just keep practicing, because you might have a good story, only not quite proper writing skills, or perhaps not the maturity to write for people above your age level. That said, you don't need to write for anybody but yourself. If you enjoy it, write it.

Anyone interested in writing should check out absolutewrite.com - the forums there are massive and really helpful.