Tell me a funny story from your life

[Jacco]

I'm having a kind of rough day and need some cheering up. So let's all share amusing stories from our lives! It doesn't have to be anything exceptionally hilarious, just enough to bring a smile to your face or someone else's.

I'll start.

I was at the Renn Fair one year and me and my friend were shooting arrows. I was bragging to her about being able to hit the bullseye (which I could because I used to do archery all the time) and while I was bragging/teaching her the "proper" way to draw, I failed to pay attention to my arm placement. Well, because those are shitty, overused bows and because I was showing off, the drawstring snapped and gave my poor forearm a welt the size of a gold ball.

She was laughing her ass off as I was hopping around in horrible pain and then everyone in the line started laughing at me as well. At the time it was really embarrassing, but now looking back on it, it makes me smile because that's pretty much something you'd see in a movie.

 

[Mullac]

This isn't particularly funny, but hey.
My friend was in a class (he's a close friend so I know this is true) who were having a supply teacher until the end of term. However, this supply teacher was unimaginably...dimwitted I guess is the best word to say. Half-way through a lesson a pupil in the class took the clock off the wall and changed the time to 3:10, when school ends. The teacher saw it, exclaimed how 'Time flies when your having fun' and let the class go 30 minutes early...the teacher did not last until the end of the term.

 

[Queen Michael]

Our teacher was reading us the story of the hero Perseus, who was going to save the beautiful princess Andromeda from a horrible monster.
"There's the monster!" she read, and at that exact point the other teacher entered the room.

 

[farscythe]

eh mines only funny if youre somewhat twisted.
but yea my dad was in a wheelchair and we (as in my dad my aunt uncle etc and me) were on a bit of a pub crawl so first thing that was said upon entering the pub was watch what you let him (my dad) drink..we wouldnt want him to get legless.


the looks of shock were so totally worth it.

 

[Fiz_The_Toaster]

This isn't particularly funny, but hey.
My friend was in a class (he's a close friend so I know this is true) who were having a supply teacher until the end of term. However, this supply teacher was unimaginably...dimwitted I guess is the best word to say. Half-way through a lesson a pupil in the class took the clock off the wall and changed the time to 3:10, when school ends. The teacher saw it, exclaimed how 'Time flies when your having fun' and let the class go 30 minutes early...the teacher did not last until the end of the term.

I had a Macro-economics teacher in high school that was like that too, and someone in the class did the same thing. Someone even sang 'Jesus Loves the Little Children' quietly, and while I was quietly laughing she didn't hear anything. I heard the year before my class had a group of students created a fake person, student ID and everything, just to mess with her. Took tests and all that, and that teacher lasted for years. So yeah... >.>

OT: My first year in college a group of my friends were outside and just relaxing by throwing a frisbee around since we all had hard classes that year. One of my friends was goofing around and threw it at me and I was trying to go for a catch, and I did catch it. The problem was I wasn't paying attention to where I was going and tripped over a very small bush and landed right into a pile of leaves.

Covered in leaves and everything, and I had leaves stuck in my hair and I looked a mess. When I finally did managed to get myself out of the huge pile the guy that threw it at me was crying from laughter. One of my friends took pity on me and helped get the leaves off of me, she was still laughing of course, but I was really embarrassed when it happened.

 

[username sucks]

I always love when I get a chance to tell this one.

So in my middle school bullying was extremely common, and despite being a giant of a thirteen year old some bullys still tried to threaten me. There was one kid in particular (lets call him Jimmy) that really wanted to fight me, but wanted me to make the first swing because that was how the assistant principals decided who to suspend.

So I manage not to smack him until the end of the year, when he walks up to me and spits right in my eye. Normally I don't let him get to me, but I was having a bad day so my response was to grab little Jimmy from under his arms, pick him up off the ground to slam him into a metal cabinet and hold him there until he apologized, which he did as fast as he could.

Now comes the good part: the teacher saw the whole thing and yells out "Jimmy what the hell did you do!". By the end of the whole thing, it ends up being the second self defense case in the schools 30 year history, and I get off without a mark. Best memory of my life, that is.

tl;dr: I beat up a bully and he got blamed

 

[Elfgore]

Well, my freshman year of highschool I decided it was a good idea for my mom to make me her homemade breakfast burrito. Now her burritos are amazing... but they are very juicy from the eggs and salsa. I decided it was a good idea to wash it down with a multi-fruit juice.

I go to school and while waiting for the bell to ring, I start to burn up. I go to the "nurse" aka secretary and she tells me to just drink water. That didn't help so I go back to my friends and am just trying to cool off. Then I start to feel dizzy, one of my friends asked if I was okay... right after he asked that a hurled right in front of the school entrance, then again in the commons as I limped my way to the office. The secretary yells at me for not getting to the bathroom in time and by the time I reach a trashcan, I already puked my entire breakfast out.

So somehow the juices didn't mix well and once I puked it up I was good to go. I got a free day off school to chill and play games while being perfectly healthy. Even funnier some kid slipped in it twice while talking to a teacher who was standing right next to it, to prevent kids from stepping in it.

 

[omega 616]

This might be a "you had to be there" story but what the fuck ...

First I have to explain a game to you. The game is called "red arse", it's a football game (the real football, played with feet). The goalkeeper has to catch the ball, as you would expect. The strikers have to score 2 headers, 5 volleys (somebody passes you the ball, the ball cannot touch the floor, then you take a shot with your foot) and then a final header. If the goal keeper lets all them in he has to turn around, bend over while the strikers kick the ball at there butt ... if you miss you join them on the wall, if you hit somebody you stand off to the side till the game starts over.

The game starts over when the person who scored the last header takes his shot.

Got that? Good!

So this guy who was nicknamed Tiny 'cos he was about 6 foot 5 and weighed the same as a baby hippo, was the goal keeper and let in all the required shots. Tiny had gotten cocky 'cos everybody was very inaccurate, they chose power over accuracy, so he never bent over. A guy steps up who has a reputation for putting eggs in balls (which is when you weaken the wall of the ball and it produces a huge lump on the ball) by hitting it HARD.

So this striker hits the ball, it sounds like a car back fired! The ball hits Tiny in the dome, Tiny slumps to the floor like he was just shot and is clinging to consciousness!

Half of us were doubled over laughing ourselves into tears, the other half were crying of laughter but managing to make there way over to Tiny to see if he is ok.

He was fine, just VERY dazed from his ordeal ... I would imagine it was like getting a right hook from a semi pro boxer. I wouldn't like to get into a fight with Tiny if he took that on the jaw and it only stunned him.

 

[saoirse13]

So my story is for mature eyes and ears but I'll try and make it a little more reader friendly.

So I had just finished my shift at work around 1am and had just got into my car when my best friend (lets call him Dean) rang me. Little background on Dean, he is 21 and a bit of a man slut and generally goes home with a different girl every weekend. Anyway Dean rings me, when i answer all I can manage to make out is him crying to me and repeatedly saying "Please I need you to come and lift me and take me to the hospital" over and over again now to this I'm freaking out thinking he had been beaten up or something so i try to ask whats wrong and he repeats the same sentence again only this time adding "Please I need you to come and lift me and take me to the hospital, theres so much blood, I think I've broke it, Omg Im going to faint" at this point i keep asking what has broke then with a sudden clarity i realise he means his manhood.
Now normally I'm the kind of friend that would rush to help someone but he had only two weeks before this laughed at me for falling and cutting my cheek so bad that i needed stitches, so I dragged it out a bit telling him he had to tell his mother that i couldnt get there for at least 30 minutes (even though i was only 5 minutes away) so next he says ok, he keeps me on the phone, and the next thin i hear, is him wake his mother and tell her that he was with a girl and she hurt him really bad, that she broke his penis.... to which his mother replys " what the F***, I've told you about this kind of thing happening, well get the girl to fix it, that will teach you to run after women" then his mother starts laughing and then took out her phone to update her facebook status to inform the world of Deans misfortune.

Needless to say the car journey to hospital was hilarious.

 

[HeavenSmile]

Used to live in a house with 5 other people and underneath this house was our basement. We set-up black lights, stereos, a TV, and the glorious N64. Well, one night one roommate is completely wasted after drinking what he calls "Apple Pie" (everclear boiled in a pot with apple juice and cinnamon sticks). We're all playing Mario Kart and he decides to call it a night. We all watch as he struggles to climb up the stairs. A new face enters the basement and is curious why we're all laughing and have smirks on our faces. I, allows wanting to be the first to a punchline, decide to re-enact the drunken "dance" my roommate was demonstrating earlier. I stand up and basically do Monty Python's "Upper Class Twit of the Year".

While doing this re-enactment, I head the lightbulb hanging from the ceiling and got a piece stuck in the top of my head.

Sobriety: 0
Moonshine: 1

 

[wulfy42]

Once when I was walking through a playground as a kid, this other kid who was playing basketball with friends decided to throw the basketball at me and yell think fast. I don't know if you have ever seen that happen before, but the usual way it ends up is the "think fast" gets you to look right at the incoming ball, and then it pounds you in the face.

Not a very fun experience at all. I was not very social yet (was in late elementary or middle school and had never stayed in any one location more then 6 months), but I was already pretty big for my age. I had not yet found out about sports (which was my gateway into eventually getting a social life and friends later on).

I did happen to have very fast reflexes and reaction time though it seems...because when he yelled "think fast" I didn't think at all, but just reacted and PUNCHED the basketball.

Now they were quite a decent distance away...and of all the angles the ball could have gone, it went directly back and nailed the kid who threw it right in the face. At the time I did not think it was funny, but instead just kept going and left (as the kid hit the ground and all his friends where huddled around him). I just felt lucky to have gotten away without having to fight all of them.

I always felt it was kinda magical how the ball went right back and hit him like that. It was like a long ranged punch.

Anyway...looking back at it, I find it quite funny now. The chances of that happening are probably like 1 in a million...but it served the kid right. It was justice for the millions of kids who have gotten slammed in the face by a "Think Fast" ball.

I just wish it could have been caught on film/camera.

 

[Strain42]

One time in middle school I was playing Pokemon, and this obnoxious little kid who liked to mess with me told me that Pokemon was for babies. So without even looking at him, I told him "So are boobs, but they're still awesome."

Another time, a bunch of my friends and I went to this great Chinese restaurant called The Red Dragon and I ordered the Garlic Chicken Fried Rice. Later when we were in the car I totally farted, and within seconds everyone could smell it and was like "Ah man, something smells really good. What is that." and I informed that of what I had done...so yeah...garlic chicken fried rice apparently makes for some wonderfully aromatic farts.

My prom date stabbed me in the chest on the dance floor, later I was the best man at her brother's wedding and the two of us danced again, only this time with less blood.

I am convinced that Pixar is spying on me. For starters they announced their Dia de los Muertos movie literally the day after I finished the first draft of my script on that very subject that I hoped to one day pitch to them if I ever got a job there. Then in Monster's University there is a character named Scott Squibbles. Scott is my last name, and Squibbles was a nick name I'd earned at my old job.

I've got more, but I'll give it a rest for now.

 

[HeavenSmile]

So my story is for mature eyes and ears but I'll try and make it a little more reader friendly.

So I had just finished my shift at work around 1am and had just got into my car when my best friend (lets call him Dean) rang me. Little background on Dean, he is 21 and a bit of a man slut and generally goes home with a different girl every weekend. Anyway Dean rings me, when i answer all I can manage to make out is him crying to me and repeatedly saying "Please I need you to come and lift me and take me to the hospital" over and over again now to this I'm freaking out thinking he had been beaten up or something so i try to ask whats wrong and he repeats the same sentence again only this time adding "Please I need you to come and lift me and take me to the hospital, theres so much blood, I think I've broke it, Omg Im going to faint" at this point i keep asking what has broke then with a sudden clarity i realise he means his manhood.
Now normally I'm the kind of friend that would rush to help someone but he had only two weeks before this laughed at me for falling and cutting my cheek so bad that i needed stitches, so I dragged it out a bit telling him he had to tell his mother that i couldnt get there for at least 30 minutes (even though i was only 5 minutes away) so next he says ok, he keeps me on the phone, and the next thin i hear, is him wake his mother and tell her that he was with a girl and she hurt him really bad, that she broke his penis.... to which his mother replys " what the F***, I've told you about this kind of thing happening, well get the girl to fix it, that will teach you to run after women" then his mother starts laughing and then took out her phone to update her facebook status to inform the world of Deans misfortune.

Needless to say the car journey to hospital was hilarious.

That is one of the best stories I have EVER heard!

 

[Mersadeon]

My ex-girlfriend had (and still has) a GIGANTIC Rodesian Ridgeback - Golden Retriever Mix. And back then, Rocco wasn't really... tame. He didn't understand that people can't run as fast as he can.
So one day, I had him on one of those 20m leashes, in the middle of a field. Suddenly, another dog just comes out of nowhere. Rocco sees him and starts sprinting towards him. Normally I might have been able to hold him, but it had rained a lot - the ground was a bit muddy. So for a few seconds, it looked like I was water-skying on the mud - I was desperately trying to get a better grip and bury my heels in the ground, striking that exact water-skying pose. After those few seconds, I flew for about a second, before hitting the ground. From afar, it must have been looking like a comedy skit. He then proceeded to pull me through that field for a few meters before I got the bright idea to let go of the leash.

So, kinda slapsticky I guess? ^^



Oh, and all the drunk stories...
Well, one time at a new year party, I was pretty hammered. So I took a walk outside. I came by a balcony with people on it. One woman started to talk to me. She asked if I had socks on. I said yes. She said she didn't believe me. So I got out of my shoes and showed her my sock-wearing feet. She said she wanted to have a picture with my sock. I gave her my sock. She made a picture with it next to her face and gave it back.
A friend had noticed the last part of the exchange. Even today, they say that I'm the guy who gave his sock to a weird lady. I'm still insistent that it was a completely logical series of events that lead to that. They don't believe it.



I think the best one though is when I was in a theatre course in school. I had a role that befit me - I was the father of a family, ditzy, clumsy and didn't know a thing about technology, but tried all the shiny toys anyway. Most of my role was screwing up the process of taking a photo and being belittled by the entire family.
At the end of the play, an overhead projector was needed in front of the stage to project some stuff (over heads, one presumes). I was told to place it as fast as possible - whoever was supposed to do it forgot. So I got out, put it down, put everything in place. It didn't work. I fiddled around with it for about 5 minutes. Everything seemed fine, I just couldn't find the problem. People weren't getting restless, though - they thought it was part of the play. After those five minutes of sweating and wanting to sink into the ground, the girl who played my characters daughter came in front of the stage, took the power cord, and plugged the damn thing in.

Yup. I forgot to plug it in.

The audience was in stitches. Rolling laughter went through the hall. My teacher later was surprised to learn that that wasn't improvised comedy, but genuine incompetence.



So yeah. My stories are pretty boring, compared to some of the weirder ones here! ^^


EDIT: Oh well, remembered another one. This one is kinda dark.
So, my father is a policeman. Back then, he was also part of the K-9 unit. A guy had let himself get locked into a mall to steal stuff, the police was called. He got out through a side entrance, and my father ran after him and send the dog (he had been warned beforehand that if he didn't give up, they would send the dogs in). He ran unto a nearby field. Now, between fields are often little ditches. This particular one had filled itself with thorny bushes. He fell in. He couldn't move a single centimetre without tearing his own skin, but when the dog arrived, he still tried to hit it. Since Falk, the dog, couldn't really get his swinging arms, he bit him in the shoulder.
Then he let go.
Then he bit him in the other shoulder.
Then he let go.
You can see were this is going.
That guy was not looking good. He was fucking terrified of Falk after that.


On a side note, that dog was wonderful. Extremely calm and stoic, and so docile - we put a welders mask on his face and he didn't even move. The pictures we made with that dog were so funny. Large glasses, hats and all that stuff. Falk didn't mind, as long as we kids would cuddle with him afterwards.

 

[Ratties]

Remember going to my friends wedding a couple of years ago. Yeah there was a guy there that I have never met before that was best friends with my friend(one getting married) Couldn't stand the prick. As soon as we met each other, he started fucking with me. Remember pulling a knife on him after the wedding was over. Do remember everyone telling me after I sobered up, that I was chasing him around screaming, "I am going to fucking kill him." Remember thinking, I probably would have to, I can't stand random strangers messing with me.

 

[Mersadeon]

Okay, so now that I started with the dog story, I remembered the best one - which isn't really a story, just a description of a particular dog.

Murphy.
He was a Riesenschnauzer (they kinda look like this http://beheer.uwhondenkat.nl/pictures/dogstandards/20070914-26.jpg). Riesenschauzer are known for being a bit... well... childish, even when they get older. Place a bucket of water in front of them and they will try to fit their entire body into it, or just jump up and down with their front paws to make a splash.
Murphy had a weird colouring issue. He had a problem with processing carotin, meaning all the longer parts of his hair glimmered red in the light. He looked fabulous. He was also particularly ditzy.
He started stealing and eating shoes - but only right ones! He loved lying right in front of the house door, so that you would fall over him when you came out in the morning, so my father build a little construction from leftover fence and a little roof in front of the entrance. There were stairs right in front of the door. Murphy jumped over the little piece of fence, but since he was now standing on stairs he couldn't jump back - he trapped himself every night and had to be let out every morning, just because he loved to sleep there and steal the shoes.
He also once scared the bejesus out of our neighbour - he jumped over the fence (Riesenschnauzer can jump pretty high without a running start!), walked into her house and sat down right next to her drinking coffee. She thought her daughter had come in, turned around and almost had a heart attack. He proceeded to eat all the cookies.
One time he tried to jump the fence to her again. My mother came outside right that moment - he stopped in mid jump! He was sort of hanging over the fence, pretending to not be there. He must have thought that if he didn't move, she wouldn't see or scold him.
Oh, and even though he was so lovably ditzy and weird, he was kind of a dick sometimes. He would dig a little hole at the entrance to our garden, where a few trees made the ground dark and without grass. He would then lay there, like a predator, and wait for the postman - since Murphy was black and lying in that hole he dug, he was invisible! And once, my father came back from work in the middle of the night, and Murphy didn't recognise him. Yeah. That dog was SO confused once the light turned on and he saw who he had been barking at.

 

[Total LOLige]

Snip

Where I'm from we call that game Heads & Volleys: Cherry Arse. Often played a varation where you swap position with the keeper if the keeper caught your volley(or if you hit the post, keeper had to choose which they wanted catches or woodwork). I wasn't bad at that game, I was terrible at One bounce TWAT though, many a sore arse from that.

OT: Hmmmm, trying to think of a good story. I got nothing, if I remember a tale of epic epicness I'll edit this post.

EDIT: I think I got one, may or may not be funny. So, it's lunch break at high school we're playing football, suddenly a grape flies past me and hits a friend in the face. It bust his nose there was blood everywhere(clothes, floor etc,), it was funny at the time. The guy that threw the grape was his brother too.

 

[Esotera]

In the middle of exam season at university everyone in my house sort of gave up, and as the weather was spectacular we decided to go into the woods/field just outside of campus to relax and do a bit of frisbee. Anyway, maybe 100m off in the distance we see that there are about 20 LARPers reenacting lord of the rings in full battle gear and with plastic weapons. So we sit down and watch, ocassionally cheering them on but mostly laughing to ourselves at how ridiculous everyone is acting. Anyway, one guy gets hit by a sword but refuses to acknowledge it, and retaliates at his attacker by repeatedly hitting her until she's curled up in a ball on the floor. The match gets stopped, the victim is crying and shouting at everyone, and walks off back to uni whilst being consoled by Legolas. Not sure how funny it is as a story but the way they were moving just made the whole thing ridiculous and nothing near as deadly as it sounds.

tl;dr friends got bored with revision so went into a field to play frisbee, encountered LARPers doing LOTR, one guy proceeded to lose his shit and beat up his opponent with a plastic sword.

 

[Not Matt]

The more i wrote the more depressing and less funny it got. i guess it is just
the kind of thing that's funny when you're in a bar late at night with your mates one night. but i'll be damned if i don't post after all that writing

Spoiler: The Hangover II was so bad i became auto-cannibalistic

this is no doubt the worst date i have ever had and it is all my fault. about two months ago i met the girl i had gone on it with and I've explained what happened to her and she seems more understanding now, and just because fate wasn't done rubbing salt in the wound she told me that she actually used to have a crush on me too back then)

I had finally built up the courage to ask out a girl that i had had a crush on for about two years and when i did she miraculously, said yes. we decided to go see that new hangover movie since the last one was so funny (i also managed to order tickets for the wrong screening then the one we agreed on going to. but i didn't notice before we had chased the people who had bought the same seats as us to the right screening). so about 20 minutes in to the movie i was bored as hell (because it really suck) and i was nervous (because she was beautiful), and i have a thing where if i am nervous or bored i nibble on a small part of my fist as a way of distracting myself. and after an hour i started feeling this strange, fun tasting fluid filling my mouth.
i had in fact. bitten relatively deep in to my own finger and now blood was pouring out. and since i am so insanely clever, i decided to hide it rather than going for medical care. so for the next 50 minutes i sat with my hand in my mouth, ignoring my date and screaming profanity inside my own head. she seemed disappointed and hurt when we left.

i ran in to the park once i had gotten her home and puked. part blood and part popcorn. i walked home with blood down my shirt, people on the sidewalk parted like the red sea to avoid me. i have now moved out of town.