tell me some bad jokes
- Thread starter Theo Rob
- Start date
A man goes to a doctor and says doctor i'm a twitter addict.
the doctor then says i can't follow you.
the doctor then says i can't follow you.
where does Napoleon keep his armies?
up his sleevies
my dad used to tell me that joke whenever i woke up...
up his sleevies
my dad used to tell me that joke whenever i woke up...
A man walks into a bar with a cheese sandwich under his arm. He sits at the bar and says "A pint of beer for me and the sandwich," the bartender says "I'm sorry but we don't serve food here."
and
A blind man walks into a bar. He sits down and asks the man sitting next to him "Hey buddy, wanna hear a blonde joke?" The man says,
"Hey I'm blonde, the bartender is blonde and that guy in the corner is a professional wrestler and he's blonde. You still wanna tell that blonde joke?"
The blind man replies "Nah I wouldn't want to have to explain it three times."
and
A large man walks into a bar. He immediately walks up behind a much smaller man and hits him in the back. The small man gets up and the large man says "That was a karate chop from China!" The small man goes back to his drink but ten minutes later the large man walks up behind him and hits him again. He says "That was a karate chop from Korea!" The small man gets back up and sits back down to his drink but soon the large man hits him again declaring "That was a karate chop from Japan!" The small man gets up again but this time walks out of the bar. Twenty minutes later he comes back in and hits the large man from behind. The large man falls over and doesn't get up. The small man says to the bartender "When he wakes up tell him that was a crowbar from Sears."
and
A blind man walks into a bar. He sits down and asks the man sitting next to him "Hey buddy, wanna hear a blonde joke?" The man says,
"Hey I'm blonde, the bartender is blonde and that guy in the corner is a professional wrestler and he's blonde. You still wanna tell that blonde joke?"
The blind man replies "Nah I wouldn't want to have to explain it three times."
and
A large man walks into a bar. He immediately walks up behind a much smaller man and hits him in the back. The small man gets up and the large man says "That was a karate chop from China!" The small man goes back to his drink but ten minutes later the large man walks up behind him and hits him again. He says "That was a karate chop from Korea!" The small man gets back up and sits back down to his drink but soon the large man hits him again declaring "That was a karate chop from Japan!" The small man gets up again but this time walks out of the bar. Twenty minutes later he comes back in and hits the large man from behind. The large man falls over and doesn't get up. The small man says to the bartender "When he wakes up tell him that was a crowbar from Sears."
holocaust joke incoming
what's the diference beetween santa and a jew?
santa goes DOWN the chimney
what's the diference beetween santa and a jew?
santa goes DOWN the chimney
My job is fucking awful, here's the basic rundown.
First, there's this fucking stunning girl, knockout ten. She could be a model if she met the right people. But, fuck me, is she useless. Constantly putting make up on or fixing her hair and whining like a little *****. Completely self centered too, she doesn't give a shit about anyone but herself. She's so fucking dumb too, I'm surprised she can even remember how to breathe.
This other girl is completely the opposite. She's got to be one of the smartest girls on the planet, I have no idea why she's with us, she could have any job she wanted. Damn is she ugly, though. She's a zero, to put it bluntly. Her hair looks like it hasn't been washed in years and I'm fairly certain she doesn't shave her womanly parts. I think she might be a lesbian too, every time we drive by the hardware store she moans like a cat in the heat.
The jewel of the crowd has to be the stoner. He's not just your average pothead that you can ignore, though. He's baked before he comes to work, during work and after work, I'm sure. He likely hasn't been sober in the past ten years and he's only 22. He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 60s and, to make things worse, he brings his dog to work. His fucking dog! Every day I have to look at this Great Dane walk around stoned from the second hand smoke. Hell, sometimes I even think it's trying to talk with it's constant bellowing. The both of them are constantly hungry requiring multiple stops at McDonalds and Burger King every single day.
So anyway, I drive around in my van and we solve mysteries and shit.
First, there's this fucking stunning girl, knockout ten. She could be a model if she met the right people. But, fuck me, is she useless. Constantly putting make up on or fixing her hair and whining like a little *****. Completely self centered too, she doesn't give a shit about anyone but herself. She's so fucking dumb too, I'm surprised she can even remember how to breathe.
This other girl is completely the opposite. She's got to be one of the smartest girls on the planet, I have no idea why she's with us, she could have any job she wanted. Damn is she ugly, though. She's a zero, to put it bluntly. Her hair looks like it hasn't been washed in years and I'm fairly certain she doesn't shave her womanly parts. I think she might be a lesbian too, every time we drive by the hardware store she moans like a cat in the heat.
The jewel of the crowd has to be the stoner. He's not just your average pothead that you can ignore, though. He's baked before he comes to work, during work and after work, I'm sure. He likely hasn't been sober in the past ten years and he's only 22. He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 60s and, to make things worse, he brings his dog to work. His fucking dog! Every day I have to look at this Great Dane walk around stoned from the second hand smoke. Hell, sometimes I even think it's trying to talk with it's constant bellowing. The both of them are constantly hungry requiring multiple stops at McDonalds and Burger King every single day.
So anyway, I drive around in my van and we solve mysteries and shit.
The barman says, "we don't serve faster than light particles in here".
A neutrino goes into a bar.
A neutron goes into a bar and orders a beer.
"How much for the beer?" the neutron asks the bartender.
"For you?" replies the bartender,"no charge."
Ah physics jokes. I'd keep going, but I have an exam in... 4 hours. Oh boy.
A neutrino goes into a bar.
A neutron goes into a bar and orders a beer.
"How much for the beer?" the neutron asks the bartender.
"For you?" replies the bartender,"no charge."
Ah physics jokes. I'd keep going, but I have an exam in... 4 hours. Oh boy.
AHEM...
Winnie the Pooh and Piglet are walking, enjoying pretty sun and stuff.
Suddenly Winnie says "Piglet, i think i'm hungry".
Piglet asks "and what can we do about it ?"
Winnie : "I know, i have a jar of honey in my little house, let's go, we'll eat"
Piglet : "That's a great idea, let's go"
And so they went to Winnie Pooh's house.
Winnie wasn' mistaking. there was one, big jar of honey just waiting to be eaten. But...
"Piglet, Piglet, i forgot, i have no spoons ! How can we share honey with no spoons ?"
"I know Winnie, i know. I have spoon, please wait and i'll run to my house and bring it here".
And so he did. In the meantime, and i think it's no surprise for anyone, Winnie the Pooh ate all the honey. When Piglet arrived with spoon in his tiny hand, he saw his friend lying on the floor.
"...but Winnie, i thought we..."
"OH SHUT THE F*CK UP YOU FU*KING PIG OR I'LL F*KING PUKE".
Tadaaaaa, bad joke.
Winnie the Pooh and Piglet are walking, enjoying pretty sun and stuff.
Suddenly Winnie says "Piglet, i think i'm hungry".
Piglet asks "and what can we do about it ?"
Winnie : "I know, i have a jar of honey in my little house, let's go, we'll eat"
Piglet : "That's a great idea, let's go"
And so they went to Winnie Pooh's house.
Winnie wasn' mistaking. there was one, big jar of honey just waiting to be eaten. But...
"Piglet, Piglet, i forgot, i have no spoons ! How can we share honey with no spoons ?"
"I know Winnie, i know. I have spoon, please wait and i'll run to my house and bring it here".
And so he did. In the meantime, and i think it's no surprise for anyone, Winnie the Pooh ate all the honey. When Piglet arrived with spoon in his tiny hand, he saw his friend lying on the floor.
"...but Winnie, i thought we..."
"OH SHUT THE F*CK UP YOU FU*KING PIG OR I'LL F*KING PUKE".
Tadaaaaa, bad joke.
A black guy, a white guy and a mexican are walking on the beach. They find a lamp. The black picks it up and rubs it, and a genie comes out. He says he'll grant them each one wish as a reward. The black guy wishes for all the black people in America to be safe and wealthy and happy in Africa. Poof, he's gone. The Mexican asks for all the Mexicans in America to be safe and happy and wealthy in Mexico. Poof, he's gone. The genie looks at the white guy.The-Epicly-Named-Man said:
"Are all the blacks and mexicans gone?" he asks.
The genie says, "Yes, what would you like?"
"I'll take a Coke."
Ok, um...
A man walks into a bar, and said, "Ow."
Alternatively:
Two men walk into a bar. You'd think one of them would have seen it coming.
A man walks into a bar, and said, "Ow."
Alternatively:
Two men walk into a bar. You'd think one of them would have seen it coming.