Terminator 2 Gets Shakespearean Rewrite

[The_root_of_all_evil]

3 billion human lives ended on August 29th, 1997. The survivors of the nuclear fire called the war Judgment Day. They lived only to face a new nightmare: the war against the machines. The computer which controlled the machines, Skynet, sent two Terminators back through time. Their mission: to destroy the leader of the human resistance, John Connor, my son. The first Terminator was programmed to strike at me in the year 1984, before John was born. It failed. The second was set to strike at John himself when he was still a child. As before, the resistance was able to send a lone warrior, a protector for John. It was just a question of which one of them would reach him first.

Oh...that's the original...looks almost Shakespearian.

I wouldn't like to translate it into iambic pentameter though.

 

[funguy2121]

I don't know why you are reacting so negatively to this, but you are incorrect about the whole 'passive voice dependent clause' thing. Shakespeare often flouted speech and language conventions in his day. (If you are truly a linguiphile, here's a book you might be interested in: You Are What You Speak [http://www.amazon.com/You-Are-What-Speak-Grouches/dp/0553807870/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1302207142&sr=8-1].)

It's a fantastic read for people who love language, and I'm not just saying that because I'm friends with the author.

You have a point about the cyborgs needing to learn, but I assume that the humans are all going to be speaking in the same mode, so the norm that the cyborgs are striving for would fit the language used.

As for the rights, you might actually have a point, because AFAIK, Carolco owned the rights, and they got bought up when the company went bankrupt, but who know who holds them now, since Columbia/TriStar did T3, and Sony did Terminator: Salvation.

I wasn't suggesting that Shakespeare, or anyone other master of the language, can't defy conventions without the language falling apart. I meant that "Is this an Uzi 9mm which I see before me, the handle toward my hand?" does not at all evoke Shakespeare to me. Rather, it sounds like a pseudointellecual, amateurish attempt at prose. "The handle toward my hand?" How is that relevant to anything? I know what line from the movie they were attempting to "translate."

Again, how would the cyborgs speaking more eloquently than their human counterparts lend itself to the characterization of the T800 learning to be/act more human? It would make sense if they were well versed in technical jargon but not in smooth delivery of everyday speech - which was accomplished quite well in the movies. They even added depth in the sequel by making the T 1000 quite a bit more normal-acting and -speaking, thus making him on-the-surface likeable and thus more scary. Why, then, have them speak like a learned person from the 15th century? I do understand the desire to try something new, but the purpose of doing this eludes me.

From a po-mo standpoint, I probably know a few people who would find a "Shakespearing up" of a modern sci-fi movie compelling, but I just can't see the appeal in it, particularly applying it to a franchise I've loved since I was 11 years old.

 

[The Random One]

I wasn't suggesting that Shakespeare, or anyone other master of the language, can't defy conventions without the language falling apart. I meant that "Is this an Uzi 9mm which I see before me, the handle toward my hand?" does not at all evoke Shakespeare to me. Rather, it sounds like a pseudointellecual, amateurish attempt at prose. "The handle toward my hand?" How is that relevant to anything? I know what line from the movie they were attempting to "translate."

Derp derp, unless I'm reading this very wrong, the line you quoted is not an excerpt of the script, it's just a line Logan wrote to have fun of it.

 

[duchaked]

O.O

I shall returneth?

HAHAHAHA ok see now I really do wanna see how this would turn out...altho I suppose a simple YouTube video production would be easier. being filmed and all

Oddly, I've always preferred the reverse: Something Shakespearean modernized in an odd way.


ACT I
SCENE I


The Battlements of Elsinore Castle.

(Enter HAMLET, followed by GHOST.)

GHOST: Oi! Mush!

HAMLET: Yer?

GHOST: I was fucked!

(Exit GHOST.)

HAMLET: O Fuck.


(Exit HAMLET.)



SCENE II


The Throneroom.


(Enter KING CLAUDIUS, GERTRUDE, HAMLET and COURT.)

CLAUDIUS: Oi! You, Hamlet, give over!

HAMLET: Fuck off, won't you?

(Exit CLAUDIUS, GERTRUDE, COURT.)


HAMLET: (Alone) They could have fucking waited.

(Enter HORATIO.)

HORATIO: Oi! Watcha cock!

HAMLET: Weeeeey!

(Exeunt.)


SCENE III

Ophelia's Bedroom.


(Enter OPHELIA and LAERTES.)

LAERTES: I'm fucking off now. Watch Hamlet doesn't slip you one
while I'm gone.

OPHELIA: I'll be fucked if he does.

(Exeunt.)



SCENE IV

The Battlements.


(Enter HORATIO, HAMLET and GHOST.)


GHOST: Oi! Mush, get on with it!

HAMLET: Who did it then?

GHOST: That wanker Claudius. He poured fucking poison in my
fucking ear!

HAMLET: Fuck me!

(Exeunt.)


ACT II


SCENE I

A corridor in the castle.


(Enter HAMLET reading. Enter POLONIUS.)

POLONIUS: Oi! You!

HAMLET: Fuck off, grandad!

(Exit POLONIUS. Enter ROSENCRANZ and GUILDENSTERN.)

ROS & GUILD: Oi! Oi! Mucca!

HAMLET: Fuck off, the pair of you!


(Exit ROS & GUILD.)

HAMLET: (Alone) To fuck or be fucked.

(Enter OPHELIA.)

OPHELIA: My Lord!

HAMLET: Fuck off to a nunnery!

(They exit in different directions.)



ACT III
SCENE I

The Throne Room.

(Enter PLAYERS and all COURT.)

I PLAYER: Full thirty times hath Phoebus cart...

CLAUDIUS: I'll be fucked if I watch any more of this crap.

(Exeunt.)



SCENE II



Gertrude's Bedchamber.


(Enter GERTRUDE and POLONIUS, who hides behind an arras.)

(Enter HAMLET.)

HAMLET: Oi! Slag!

GERTRUDE: Watch your fucking mouth, kid!

POLONIUS: (From behind the curtain) Too right.

HAMLET: Who the fuck was that?

(He stabs POLONIUS through the arras.)

POLONIUS: Fuck!


(POLONIUS dies.)

HAMLET: Fuck! I thought it was that other wanker.

(Exeunt.)



ACT IV


SCENE I



A Court Room.

(Enter HAMLET, CLAUDIUS.)

CLAUDIUS: Fuck off to England then!

HAMLET: Delighted, mush.



SCENE II


The Throne Room.


(Enter OPHELIA, GERTRUDE and CLAUDIUS.)


OPHELIA: Here, cop a whack of this.

(She hands GERTRUDE some rosemary and exits.)

CLAUDIUS: She's fucking round the twist, isn't she?

GERTRUDE: (Looking out the window.) There is a willow grows aslant the
brook.

CLAUDIUS: Get on with it, slag.

GERTRUDE: Ophelia's gone and fucking drowned!

CLAUDIUS: Fuck! Laertes isn't half going to be browned off.

(Exeunt.)



SCENE III

A Corridor.

(Enter LAERTES.)

LAERTES: (Alone) I'm going to fucking do this lot.

(Enter CLAUDIUS.)

CLAUDIUS: I didn't fucking do it, mate. It was that wanker
Hamlet.

LAERTES: Well, fuck him.

(Exeunt.)



ACT V

SCENE I

Hamlet's Bedchamber.


(Enter HAMLET and HORATIO.)

HAMLET: I got this feeling I'm going to cop it, Horatio, and you know, I
couldn't give a flying fuck.

(Exeunt.)



SCENE II



Large Hall.


(Enter HAMLET, LAERTES, COURT, GERTRUDE, CLAUDIUS.)

LAERTES: Oi, wanker: let's get on with it.

HAMLET: Delighted, fuckface.

(They fight and both are poisoned by the poisoned sword.)

LAERTES: Fuck!

HAMLET: Fuck!


(The QUEEN drinks.)

GERTRUDE: Fucking odd wine!

CLAUDIUS: You drunk the wrong fucking cup, you stupid cow!

(GERTRUDE dies.)

HAMLET: (Pouring the poison down CLAUDIUS'S throat) Well, fuck you!

CLAUDIUS: I'm fair and squarely fucked.

(CLAUDIUS dies.)

LAERTES: Oi, mush: no hard feelings, eh?

HAMLET: Yer.


(LAERTES dies.)

HAMLET: Oi! Horatio!

HORATIO: Yer?

HAMLET: I'm fucked. The rest is fucking silence.

(HAMLET dies.)

HORATIO: Fuck: that was no ordinary wanker, you know.

(Enter FORTINBRAS.)

FORTINBRAS: What the fuck's going on here?

HORATIO: A fucking mess, that's for sure.


FORTINBRAS: No kidding. I see Hamlet's fucked.

HORATIO: Yer.

FORTINBRAS: Fucking shame: fucking good bloke.

HORATIO: Too fucking right.

FORTINBRAS: Fuck this for a lark then. Let's piss off.

(Exeunt with alarums.)

that was awesome. is there one for Macbeth? lol

 

[funguy2121]

I wasn't suggesting that Shakespeare, or anyone other master of the language, can't defy conventions without the language falling apart. I meant that "Is this an Uzi 9mm which I see before me, the handle toward my hand?" does not at all evoke Shakespeare to me. Rather, it sounds like a pseudointellecual, amateurish attempt at prose. "The handle toward my hand?" How is that relevant to anything? I know what line from the movie they were attempting to "translate."

Derp derp, unless I'm reading this very wrong, the line you quoted is not an excerpt of the script, it's just a line Logan wrote to have fun of it.

Fair enough. Look at the quoted text in the original post. I don't think it's substance fairs any better.

 

[Formica Archonis]

that was awesome. is there one for Macbeth? lol

Not that I've seen.

 

[Geo Da Sponge]

*snip*

Your username is a lie.

 

[funguy2121]

*snip*

Your username is a lie.

Your FACE is a...dammit, you're right!

Seriously, I just don't see anything about this concept as fun. Now, taking Shakespeare and doing something different with THAT, that can be fun (see how I throw proper grammar to the wind? How fun!).

Case in point(shitty spelling ahead): Rosencrantz and Gildenstern are dead. Let's be awesome: is Tim Roth EVER not fun?

Fuckin' Bing images. It's not even a quote by that character.

 

[funguy2121]

Honest. Let's be honest. I'm typing this while carmelizing onions and listening to Real Time w/ Bill Maher. Is that a good enough excuse?

 

[Animyr]

I wonder what my english teachers would think.

 

[Erja_Perttu]

I suppose this is the only form of Shakespeare that I can actually get into for once.

This one looks pretty cool but nowhere nearly as funny as Two Gentlemen of Lebowski.

Verily!

I was wondering when someone would mention that. Two Gentlemen of Lebowski really ties my love of movies and Shakespeare together. Considering Terminator 2 is also one of my favourite films, I can't see how this is anything other than awesome.

 

[GonzoGamer]

Two Gentlemen of Lebowski really ties my love of movies and Shakespeare together.

lol
I see what you did there.