Terrible dating advice

[McElroy]

TERRIBLE advice, huh? Well, chicks TOTALLY dig the mentalist act, like, ESPECIALLY if you get it right.

I have another. You should TOTALLY wait for that PERFECT moment to ask her out / strike a conversation. A moment will DEFINITELY present itself and you will SURELY take that chance!

Yeah, I actually can't stop doing that mentalist thing anymore. Got through too many seasons of that Bakering. But my actual advice is that you simply shouldn't be so god damn polite. You two just won't be stuck in an elevator or get train seats next to each other. Basically zero of my past crushes ever knew, because I kept waiting for some magical moment (and actually had one but blew it Feels Baaaad Man).

I just don't get the appeal, but apparently I'm in the minority.

A yes, the most silent minority: men from the planet Netflix But No Chill.

 

[freaper]

Because women aren't attracted to one thing as a whole. Again, women are not something that can be summed up in a Monster Manual guide: Always Neutral Evil. Frequently attend bathroom in packs.

I'd have said Chaotic Neutral.

This is advice from a friend who's had, overall, positive results with dating: first impressions are incredibly important. That, of course, pertains to a whole slew of things, not just dates.

"Good" advice from me would be to actually [em]want[/em] to date, don't treat your dating partner like a walking sex-dispenser (this goes both ways); if you can't be interested in another human's life, don't bother dating, you're going to hate yourself for it.

 

[Frokane]

It seems like most of the people in this thread who 'telling me what for'

are complaining that I'm making broad generalizations about women when I criticize bad advice.

And then countering with their own broad generalizations about women when they try and offer their own 'good advice'

Figures

 

[Shraggler]

As a dude, recognize that the deck is heavily stacked against you.

Be height-weight proportionate, or close to, and get really good a lying.

When people say "confidence is key", what they mean is "lie better".

Addendum: Being funny, interesting and smart are all useless traits.

 

[Pinkamena]

Maintain eye contact.
Never blink.
Establish dominance.

 

[IamLEAM1983]

Maintain eye contact.
Never blink.
Establish dominance.

*points to your avatar*

I'm being dominated by a plastic figurine with a squished-in face. Send help.

 

[Sarge034]

Except that is in no way what I said. I didn't say lie to everyone and start relationships this way, I said fake confidence in social interactions and you may become more confident as a result. Its simple practice, and it may not work for you, but I'd appreciate it if you didn't call me a lying advocate.

So you're not telling folks to lie about their confidence? To LIE about their confidence... and you're displeased I'm calling you a "lying advocate"? Would identifying why they're unconfident, working to better themselves/accept themselves, and be legitimately confident not be a better alternative?

You can appreciate anything you want, I'm not gonna lie to save your feelings.

 

[Kwak]

Except that is in no way what I said. I didn't say lie to everyone and start relationships this way, I said fake confidence in social interactions and you may become more confident as a result. Its simple practice, and it may not work for you, but I'd appreciate it if you didn't call me a lying advocate.

So you're not telling folks to lie about their confidence? To LIE about their confidence... and you're displeased I'm calling you a "lying advocate"? Would identifying why they're unconfident, working to better themselves/accept themselves, and be legitimately confident not be a better alternative?f

You can appreciate anything you want, I'm not gonna lie to save your feelings.

When you practice a smile, you trick your brain into thinking you're happy, which in turn, makes you happier.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/isnt-what-i-expected/201207/try-some-smile-therapy

Same concept.
If you're out of shape, then start exercises to change that, are you lying and covering up the 'real' you?
It's an exercise to commit to. The only thing to be aware of is to do it for yourself foremost and see it as a life-choice, not a temporary bait to use while fishing for women to then discard once you've hooked, because then you will fall back into the old habitual poor self-regard and you *will* have been lying.
It's just basic self-improvement that has the secondary benefit of making attraction/relationships more likely.
---------------------------------------------------

Off topic- what's a 'Nice Guy' and why is it so bad? I like to be polite and try to be as nice as I'm able despite my shyness. There's no point in making the world slightly more awful by being unsmiling or rude to random strangers. Be nice, it's nice.

 

[BloatedGuppy]

Off topic- what's a 'Nice Guy' and why is it so bad? I like to be polite and try to be as nice as I'm able despite my shyness. There's no point in making the world slightly more awful by being unsmiling or rude to random strangers. Be nice, it's nice.

You'll note the use of scare quotes around "Nice Guy", yeah? That's not by accident. Look up "Nice Guy" on Urban Dictionary if you want some of the harsher interpretations of the term.

Being as gentle as possible, "nice guys" are generally insecure and/or socially awkward people who engage in courtship behavior, fail, and feel aggrieved that they were dismissed despite "being so nice"...mistaking their own courtship behaviors for innate kindness. If this becomes a pattern, they'll usually end up with enormous chips on their shoulder that they're completely oblivious to, continuing to think of themselves as "nice" when their behavior often reads as entitled, desperate or passive aggressively hostile. That hostility will be directed either at the women who don't show interest in them, or the guys said women do show interest in, although it's most likely a manifestation of outwardly directed self-hatred.

 

[Sarge034]

When you practice a smile, you trick your brain into thinking you're happy, which in turn, makes you happier.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/isnt-what-i-expected/201207/try-some-smile-therapy

Same concept.
If you're out of shape, then start exercises to change that, are you lying and covering up the 'real' you?
It's an exercise to commit to. The only thing to be aware of is to do it for yourself foremost and see it as a life-choice, not a temporary bait to use while fishing for women to then discard once you've hooked, because then you will fall back into the old habitual poor self-regard and you *will* have been lying.
It's just basic self-improvement that has the secondary benefit of making attraction/relationships more likely.

It's not the same thing, at all. You're out of shape? You exercise to get in shape, you don't run around in a banana hammock pretending you have a 6-pack and chiseled pecks to magically make it so. Same goes for self confidence. Don't run around faking it, identify why you're insecure and work to either better that or to accept it. The underlying problem(s) will still be there if you fake it, even if you do fool yourself in the short term. No one can act forever, so what happens when the charade falters and your significant other finally see the "real you"?

 

[DefunctTheory]

Off topic- what's a 'Nice Guy' and why is it so bad? I like to be polite and try to be as nice as I'm able despite my shyness. There's no point in making the world slightly more awful by being unsmiling or rude to random strangers. Be nice, it's nice.

There's a perception that 'nice guys' finish last in love, because women have an inherit desire for bad boys. They hate bad guys, but their sexually attracted to them, but nice guys are a turn off, so they all get friend zoned.

It's all bullshit. (Most) women, and indeed men, don't like pricks. What people do like is interesting people, and the conflicting nature of an asshole is often more interesting then the 'nice guy' who just smiles and is nice, and agrees with everything and never makes too much of a fuss.

 

[Kevlar Eater]

Here's a bit of "advice" that's a bit more reality-based: Anything you do and say, is only creepy if the person (or people) in question doesn't find you attractive. If considered attractive, normally "creepy" things would be considered quirks.

 

[TallanKhan]

Almost all dating advice is by it's nature terrible, because it's an outsider's perspective on what is an intensely intimate, personal interaction between two people. This is made even worse when it is doled out as generic truisms with no consideration for the individuals involved.

Half of the problems with dating come from the fact that people talk to everyone about their problems except for the person they should talk to - their partner. The other half stem from people being with incompatible partners.

 

[BloatedGuppy]

It's not the same thing, at all. You're out of shape? You exercise to get in shape, you don't run around in a banana hammock pretending you have a 6-pack and chiseled pecks to magically make it so. Same goes for self confidence. Don't run around faking it, identify why you're insecure and work to either better that or to accept it. The underlying problem(s) will still be there if you fake it, even if you do fool yourself in the short term. No one can act forever, so what happens when the charade falters and your significant other finally see the "real you"?

This is a very salient point, and well stated. I will offer SOME disagreement. Lack of confidence that is born from lack of experience can be overcome by "faking it" for a limited period of time. Same principle that goes into "liquid courage" and why alcohol is such a potent lubrication for social awkwardness.

You are however 100% correct in stating that if someone's lack of confidence stems from deep seated issues, those issues are going to need to be dealt with. You can only put on a face for so long, and extended chicanery should not be on anyone's list of recommendations when it comes to dating.

 

[Pyrian]

I think "confidence" is far too removed from specific behavior to be useful as advice. Maybe a confident person asks people out and an unconfident person doesn't. Clearly the confident person has a dating advantage right there! But the solution isn't "be confident". It's to ask people out despite a lack of confidence. Maybe "faking confidence" is just called "courage". (After all, it's not courageous if you're not scared.)

 

[_DK]

Everyone is different and life is not a fairy-tale. As I see it, do whatever naturally comes to you.

 

[Secondhand Revenant]

It seems like most of the people in this thread who 'telling me what for'

are complaining that I'm making broad generalizations about women when I criticize bad advice.

And then countering with their own broad generalizations about women when they try and offer their own 'good advice'

Figures

It comes off as very weak when you resort to passive aggressive and vague attacks when, if you have any substance at all to your accusations, you could just address them directly.

Look your advice was bad, you can't defend it, the answer isn't to be passive aggressive.

Here's a bit of "advice" that's a bit more reality-based: Anything you do and say, is only creepy if the person (or people) in question doesn't find you attractive. If considered attractive, normally "creepy" things would be considered quirks.

Reality based? It seems far more like bitterness than anything in all sincerity. Yes, if someone is attracted to someone else *sometimes* what would be unwelcome behavior is welcome. But it's absurd to think that's the standard for what is usually considered creepy.

If anything when I hear this it sounds like apologetics for creeps. Oh they're not really being disgusting shit bags, they're just unfairly discriminated against for lack of attractiveness!

 

[Something Amyss]

If anything when I hear this it sounds like apologetics for creeps. Oh they're not really being disgusting shit bags, they're just unfairly discriminated against for lack of attractiveness!

And whether or not it's true, it does read that way. Women only/mostly/usually like X sounds more like an excuse than advice.

 

[Secondhand Revenant]

As a dude, recognize that the deck is heavily stacked against you.

Be height-weight proportionate, or close to, and get really good a lying.

When people say "confidence is key", what they mean is "lie better".

Addendum: Being funny, interesting and smart are all useless traits.

Get really good at lying? About what? This doesn't sound like good advice for a relationship in the least. If you have to lie about everything there's a problem. That's advice for keeping a sinking ship floating at all costs, which is a terrible way to look at a relationship. If it's not working then it's not. Don't be desperate and ignore the signs it isn't working.

And as for height-weight proportionate, like really, look around. People who aren't get into relationships. If you're blaming it on that then you're probably missing the real issue since others succeed regardless there. There are more fundamental things to if you want to have someone be around for a long period of time.

And no they don't mean lie better. They mean appearing to have no self-confidence can make it harder to be around someone. It can be utterly insufferable depending on the form it takes. You can have doubts without spewing them everywhere is the point.

Useless? Um yeah they really are not. They make people want to pay more attention to you and be around you. That's true for friends or for someone in a relationship. If you find people aren't paying attention to you, they probably don't find you interesting at the very least.

 

[Kevlar Eater]

Reality based? It seems far more like bitterness than anything in all sincerity. Yes, if someone is attracted to someone else *sometimes* what would be unwelcome behavior is welcome. But it's absurd to think that's the standard for what is usually considered creepy.

If anything when I hear this it sounds like apologetics for creeps. Oh they're not really being disgusting shit bags, they're just unfairly discriminated against for lack of attractiveness!

Are you not familiar with lookism [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lookism]? It's basically discrimination against the plain and unattractive, and it's still going strong. And attractive are indeed, paid more [http://www.wsj.com/articles/SB10001424052970203687504576655331418204842], but let's not put finances into the mix. Hell, even Dr. Nerdlove [http://www.doctornerdlove.com/2012/09/creepy-behavior-difference-attractive-attracted/] gets in on the action, though he does speak of extreme examples that make even celebrities look creepy, whether hot or not.

Please, elaborate on how much I'm a creepy, disgusting bag of shit some more. I'm not sniffing [http://www.orlandosentinel.com/features/gone-viral/os-foot-fetish-fiu-20150915-post.html] womens' feet under a table, I'm not sending dick pics to random women, and I most certainly avoid saying and doing things that can get me maced or tased in the balls, then beaten by any bystanding males in "defense" of a woman.

Last thing: I'm neither bitter, nor defending *legitimate* creeps. It's very much possible to give off a creepy/rapist/predator/stalker aura even if you're a law-abiding citizen and haven't done any of those things. I speak from experience on this last one.