Test my experimental stuff

[TheIronRuler]

Hello escapists.
I've had a realization earlier, therefore I thought of a new way of writing.
But I have no idea if people could follow it or enjoy reading it.
So here's a taste and tell me if this is any good, and if someone already did it.

Spoiler: Black

Black.

I feel wind blowing on my face. I am breathing heavily. I can hear an undistinguishable screech behind me. I notice my feet are moving. I want to stop but my body just pushes forward. I ready myself to turn around. I can hear someone breathing behind me. His voice is familiar.

"RUN" he screams. Another undistinguishable screech makes me move my feet faster. I notice where I'm running now. I'm in a metal hallway, with tubes on the sides and a wall in front of me.

A wall is in my way. I don't know what I should do. I keep running, my feet emit a sound of coins hitting one another. I wear something metallic on my legs.

Turn. I hold a horizontal pipe with on my right and turn the corner without losing much momentum. I can hear that voice again. It's crying out for help.

I keep running straight. Sweat is dripping on the floor, some splashing on a surface, other drops continue down. "Get ready" I can hear a voice of a woman. I can't see anything in front of me. I don't want to turn around and lose momentum.

I can hear that thing again. It's not a screech like earlier but more of a crunching sound. I worry for a moment, could that be the voice from earlier?

I can't hear him anymore.

Turn. I see a metal plate placed against the corner. I jump on it with my right foot and launch myself around the corner.

There's a wall in front of me. "Are you ready?" the female voice from earlier asks me. I can't see her. I can't keep on running; I'm running out of stamina.

What am I running from?

I am flying in the air. I can't feel the floor beneath my feet. I can't breathe. Am I going to hear the same sound from earlier, that crunching sound?

I hit the floor again, but I don't land on my feet. I have to get up. I have to run through the corridor. I have to escape this place. What is this place?

It's not a narrow corridor. A large room, made from the same metallic material I saw in the hallway. "I'm glad you're alive." I can hear that female voice from earlier. I turn around and face a woman, she's about my height.

She is very tall. I'm a tall man, so she must be abnormal. "What is your-" I stop. This isn't my voice. That voice isn't mine, it's feminine. What is going on?

"Are you fine, chief?" the woman addresses me. She looks fine. She has short blonde hair, almond colored eyes, and a very pretty face for a soldier. She is a soldier?

I don't know how I know that. But it feels right, it feels true. She holds something in her right hand. It looks like a pistol from a sci-fi flick.

I pause for a moment and look at my hands. I'm black.

Why am I black?

"I'm very sorry for your loss. Roy was a great man" the woman says softly. She comes closer to me, placing her hand over my right shoulder. "But we can't let him die in vain. We need to leave this wretched place and tell everyone what we saw here. We need to-" I interrupt her in the middle of her sentence, "Who is Roy?" I ask her.

Her face turns white. She takes a step back and adjusts her grip on the pistol looking thing in her right hand. "Are you O.K. , chief?" she says as she slowly raises her right hand.

This is a 'do or die' moment. I am a woman. I am black. This man Roy is important to me, this man? "I love my husband!" I blurt out. My Husband?

My heart beats faster. I sit on the cold metal floor with my hand over my chest. I have breasts. I did feel strange when I was running earlier. "Chief, get yourself together and lets go" the woman says.

I smile. This is a dream, but I can still enjoy it. "What do we have" I ask the woman. The woman shows me the pistol looking device, "I found this old thing lying around. There are two magazines for it and a bullet box. I can't believe they still use-" I interrupt her"-Old thing, huh? This is nice. We move out now" I grab the pistol looking device and aim it at the opposite wall.

"Where is the exit?" I ask the woman. I can hear the screech from earlier. The thing is getting closer. The woman looks nervous. "I found two exits. One leading to where you came from, only one level lower, I don't know where the other one goes to" she says.

The thing gets closer. I can somehow feel it. "Chief, do you have a plan?" the woman asks me.
Another screech. I can hear it racing through the lower floor, where I came from. The woman looks at that direction, "We're about to find out where the other exit is heading" I say as I start running towards the other exit.

Did that thing eat My Husband-no, did he eat that man Roy?

What is that thing?

I hope this isn't a violation of anything.
I'm not planning to make a book out of this, so feel free to rip me off. I'm just trying to work on a new style.

EDIT: Finished the short piece.
I have another one, titled - 'White'.

 

[cookyy2k]

Hello escapists.
I've had a realization earlier, therefore I thought of a new way of writing.
But I have no idea if people could follow it or enjoy reading it.
So here's a taste and tell me if this is any good, and if someone already did it.

snip

I hope this isn't a violation of anything.
I'm not planning to make a book out of this, so feel free to rip me off. I'm just trying to work on a new style.

I certainly like it. The short paragraphs generate a faster more frenzied reading style that really adds to what you're writing about. It also makes what's happened before more memorable somehow. It'd be great for a short story but I think in a novel this pace would be a bit too much.

I've never seen this style before but I'm not huge on fiction.

 

[TheIronRuler]

Hello escapists.
I've had a realization earlier, therefore I thought of a new way of writing.
But I have no idea if people could follow it or enjoy reading it.
So here's a taste and tell me if this is any good, and if someone already did it.

snip

I hope this isn't a violation of anything.
I'm not planning to make a book out of this, so feel free to rip me off. I'm just trying to work on a new style.

I certainly like it. The short paragraphs generate a faster more frenzied reading style that really adds to what you're writing about. It also makes what's happened before more memorable somehow. It'd be great for a short story but I think in a novel this pace would be a bit too much.

I've never seen this style before but I'm not huge on fiction.

Since the shelf life for every POV is very small, I think that I should write this character and then add others that interact with that character.
I'm relieved that you could read it and enjoy it, I was worried that I might have overdone it.
Thank you for your time spent reading this.
If you wish I can continue this, but I'd like to hear other opinions first.

 

[TheIronRuler]

There's another one, different than the other one.
I hope you follow it and that I didn't disappoint you all.
The mind of a monster, or the mind of a man?

Spoiler: White

White.

A blinding light forces me to close my eyes. I can't move. Something is holding me in place; something is making me stay here.

Where is here?

"I'm so sorry" I can hear a female voice apologize to me, immediately afterwards the light becomes dimmer. "Don't apologize to the test subject!" I can hear a male voice yell at the female, and then I hear a thud.

Test Subject?

I need to leave this place. I begin wrestling through these cuffs on my hands and ankles. "Start the machine" I can hear the male voice command someone.

What is that machine?

There is no time to waste. I need to escape; I need to free myself of this? this unknown thing; for this? unknown reason. I feel I am in danger, somehow I know.

I can hear a sound; A distinct mechanic sound? of a drill. I am a test subject, tied to this thing, and there is a drill nearby.

I need to escape.

I cry. I use all of my strength to escape this place. I pray to all of the deities I know of, I beg of them to help me.

White Again.

I break free of the chains. My head starts spinning ? I think I'm in a room. The color of the wall changes from metallic white to red and then back to metallic white. An alarm sounds off.

The test subject escaped.

My hands still have the cuffs on them. I look around me and see a platform with three men on it. I walk towards then, and they run the other way towards the sealed off door.

My legs feel different, they feel much heavier. My whole body feels heavier, yet I move with ease. Without noticing I already reached the three men. "Please don't hurt us" one of them says. It was the voice from earlier. The voice that tried to spare me.

I feel pain. Something hurts in my right shoulder. I see one of the other men aim something at me.

I close my eyes and pound my fists into them.

I open them.

In a sea of blood, organs and bones, the remains of two individuals flow while one very terrified woman stands still, shaking.

"I will protect-" I stop.

This voice isn't human.

I turn around and face a group of armed men. "Open fire" one of them cries out. I turn my back on them and protect her, my last attempt to grip sanity.

It hurts.

The metal bullets hurt.

White again.

I open my eyes and see the group of men turned into mush. These trained soldiers, sent here to protect these dedicated scientists, died in - why do I know all of this?

I can't remember a thing.

I return to the woman and put her on my back. "I will help you" I say in my inhuman voice. She stays silent. I break the metal door down and enter a corridor.

I follow it till I reach a large room filled with people. I can see them eating. Some have metal items, others wear white clothes.

The woman screams for help. I've been betrayed. My link to sanity severed.

White again.

I blink, and I see myself holding a man in my hand, like I used to hold toys. Why can I remember that, but I can't remember my name?

The man breaks free from my grip.

"Roy, let's go" I hear a woman cry out. She runs to the exit, the man following her.
Blood is everywhere. What have I done?

I turn around and look at the red liquid that covers the floor. I touch my chest with my hand. It is filled with holes. It's huge, and so is my hand.

Why did I kill them all?

What am I?

Tell me your opinion, I hope this wasn't forced, but I just had to do another piece with the same style.

 

[Charisma]

It's a style to be used in moderation - stick it in your toolbox and pull it out when you need the story to feel frenetic and rushed. Realize that the fast-paced style isn't the same thing as the ambiguity of the narrator - and the reader - not knowing what's going on. You definitely don't want to do entire stories with just this style, it's exhausting for the reader to keep track of. What you're doing is you're forcing the reader to fire off neurons seemingly at random, keeping him confused and on his toes. That exhaustion is a good thing in small doses, for the same reason we go to the gym and stress our bodies. But we don't spend our whole lives on treadmills and the writing should sooner or later ease its way into a more relaxed pace, probably as more information makes the events a little clearer. Basically what it feels like - and what it should become - is the explosive beginning of a bigger story.