Breakthrough on the Breakout
Zombies are vegetarians. Do
not let the carnivorous appearances common to the unrelenting terror cry of the media deceive you. They have adopted this facade to fool us. Otherwise, they would not have lasted as long as they have. Think: all of mankind's greatest predators have been fearsome flesh-eaters. It comes as no surprise that they have tapped into this subconscious fear of ours. Unconsciously, might I add, as the definition of a zombie is one that cannot think for themself and who acts blindly with no higher thought. The media, naturally, have noticed this fearsome edge and have blindly cried bloody murder, over-emphasizing the image dawned for the zombies' pleasure. We have, as such, played our meagre part as mere pawns in their favour within the grand game of survival.
"But how are they vegetarians? How can we be assured you aren't another clever preacher set out to lead us astray?" Let us examine the facts:
[li]Zombies prefer to eat our brains.[/li]
[li]Brains are much like tofu: grey, spongy, flavourless.[/li]
[li]Vegetarians eat tofu.[/li]
Ergo, zombies are vegetarians and want to eat our sentient tofu. "But wait!" You cry, "I have found some proof you have not thought of as to why you must be wrong! Zombies are known to eat flesh!"
Good observation, Watson. However, I ask of you this: how do we
know they eat flesh? Perhaps that action has been added by the human mind to liken them to all our other great predators. Or, scratching that, perhaps over time it was noticed that victims who had their flesh eaten first were more likely to succumb to giving up their brains. Or, perhaps, like most common "vegetarians" among us, they do not mind putting aside their usual diet to have some chicken or some chicken-tasting meat. You know, because humans are most definitely not "red meat" and most non-red meat ends up tasting like chicken.
So what is this flesh-eating, really? A psychological terror invented by men? A torture inflicted until we give up possession of our precious sentient tofu? Or a derivation in their usual diet? It could be any, or a combination of the three -- either way the flesh-eating does not cancel out their vegetarianism.
With this way, the public consciousness would have implanted this thought, this "knowledge." Thus, what we "know" is actually a lie. A lie manufactured to protect us, and prevent needless death.
Think -- how scary is a predator that does not necessarily want to eat you? Yes, naturally, excluding the brain, but what of the torturous thought of being ripped and mangled by hundreds of gnashing, rotting teeth? Perhaps this tale was invented by the government, by the media, by those in charge of us, looking out for us. Perhaps this yarn was introduced so that we did not underestimate this enemy of ours. They imposed this irrational fear to protect us -- to save us. They have tapped in and implanted a psychological fear to underline the urgency of a zombie outbreak.
Over the years, this flesh-eating, earth-shuffling, brain-dead organism has wormed its way into public consciousness -- the last fifty years, specifically. It can also be noted that those same 50 years were also the rise of political correctness, where it was no longer okay to let stupid people die for being stupid. If they thought that zombies wanting to eat their brains would not make them predatory (as they are vegetarians, of course), then they would die for such stupidity. Yes, society has been psychologically tormented to keep the lowest common denominator afloat. Survival of the fittest is dead.
It can be suggested that primitive zombies were not entirely brainless. Some thought may have fallen into an idle slumber at the back of all non-thought, what we see today is simply the product of the evolutionary processes.
One zombie may have not been completely undead and, when attempting to access the victim's brain, first began eating the unsuspecting human's flesh. Upon doing so, that one iota of consciousness sparked in excitement, sparked in awareness, sparked in comprehension. Assuredly, an instantaneous recognition, the connection almost unconscious. Completely unaware, the unsuspecting zombie had its habits changed when encountering humans, forever. Not even comprehending, it ventured forward, acting upon this newly-realized instinct. This epiphany lead said zombie to begin eating flesh as a torture method to entice victims into succumbing to releasing their precious brains.
The definition of a zombie is, coincidentally, someone who acts blindly without thinking. Thus, if the rest of the zombies simply instinctively followed the actions of this first zombie, it would not take much imagination to extrapolate to all zombies thus being "flesh-eaters."
It can be argued that the most common "vegetarian" among us is the one that does not eat meat. Naturally, by "meat," they mean simply red meat, and they hold no qualms about eating chicken or chicken-like meat now and again. This, certainly, is not true vegetarianism, which involves not eating animal meat no matter the colour, yet it is the form most commonly engaged in by the plugged-in middle-class modern masses of the western world, North America in particular.
Humans are most definitely not red meat, and most non-red meat ends up tasting like chicken. Or, as Mouse so eloquently put it in
The Matrix, "take chicken, for example: maybe they couldn't figure out what to make chicken taste like, which is why chicken tastes like everything."
To those of you thinking "Oh my gods, you dumb piece of shit, stop with the goddamned zombie chatter and read the bloody
Zombie Survival Guide by Max Brooks. Fuck off." I ask you to consider the fact that the book you just cited is as much of a humour book as this informative is. It even states so on the back cover, if you happened to have missed that. Next, it is not "the one and only truth" as it happens to contradict itself on pages 16 and 17 -- two pages that are side by side.
Page 16 states: "[The moan], so typically associated with the walking dead, serves as a rallying cry for other zombies, and, as has been recently discovered is a potential psychological weapon."
Page 17 states, however: "An early study theorized that this was a deliberate act, that a scout used its moan to signal the others to attack. However, we now know that it happens purely by accident. The ghoul that moans at the detection of prey does so as an instinctive reaction, not as an alert."
If we know now that it is a coincidental act, why does the book state as fact that it is a planned event not one page, one
paragraph earlier? Thus, we may dismiss the
Zombie Survival Guide from the pedestal that others have placed it on as the great one-and-only truth. It has not been kept to enough of a consistency, factual or otherwise, to hold it in such high regards for instructions of survival.
Taking all of this into consideration, how can we append our original survival plans so that they now apply to this clear, new threat? First, we must determine what exactly is the palate of the typical zombie. Which vegetables they like to eat, what state they're in, etc. We must observe how they react in cornfields, large gardens, and farmers' markets. If, for example, someone is being pursued, it must be known which direction to head in so that they have the greatest chance of losing the threat. It is suggested that these experiments only take place under controlled circumstances under clear observation of multiple professionals. It is also suggested that the experiments only deal with one zombie at the commencement, until some basic behavioural patterns have been noted.
It should also be tested whether the zombies have any sort of preferences. Naturally, they prefer the sentient tofu over regular tofu, but there is no mention of age. Newer sentient tofu versus aged, versus gently aged; denser versus spongier; tender versus hardened; sharp versus dull; the list goes on. This will help survival groups to be formed when the threat of zombies finally emerges. Who should be included? Surely you can't just stick it out all on your own. So who goes with you? Should you add that one person who is most likely to be bait, if worst comes to worst? Who is the person who is most likely to be bait? Morbid thoughts, for a morbid time.
What it all comes down to is the survival of yourself. Know your escape routes, and last minute emergency plans. Know what vegetation the zombies will prefer as second choice to sentient tofu. Know where the zombies can be lost. And, if necessary, know which hunk of sentient tofu will keep the zombies at bay. Thusly, in the case you find yourself under a zombie attack, arm yourself with a cucumber as a bludgeoning weapon and lobs of tofu to distract them from your sentient tofu.
