"Come 'ere, I wanna tell you a story."
"Okay." Amy complied, dressing down herself before snuggling up next to her on the bed. She smiled while trying to ignore the vague sense of unease eating at the back of her mind.
Pixie wrapped her arms around the girl, holding her close before resting her chin on the top of Amy's head. She was smiling, sadly, "A few years back we got in to'a big tussle with some other bandits. Don' remember who they were, but I do recall what the town looked like when we were done. A lot'a civilian casualties, mostly from their guns, but I don' doubt we had blood on 'ar hands too. Anyway," She sighed. "The fight ended with a big ol' blast that tore down an inn near the townsquare. Didn' think anythin' of it until this man came up ta' me. He was covered'n ash'n had a few nasty burns and bruises."
Pixie was silence for a short time before continuing, "He says ta' me, 'My daughter was in there! How could you monsters do that!?'. We didn' blow the buildin', but I wasn' gonna waste anytime arguin'. I did somethin' stupid then, but I don' regret it. I looked 'im in the eye an' I said, 'I'll get yer lil' girl back to ya'.'." She laughed. "I spent six hours, bleedin' from cuts n' bruises of my own all the while, diggin' through debris, lookin' fer his lil' girl. I was 'bout ta' give up when I heard a faint cry underneath me. It was a goddamn miracle is what it was. Found the lil' squirt under a busted pillar. Damn thin' saved 'er life. So, I dug 'er out an' brought her to 'er daddy. Jus' like that."
She ran her finger nails up and down the length of Amy's arm in silence, letting the story sink in. Whispering in her ear, Pixie added, "It ain't always helpful, but sometimes its good ta' 'ave hope, darlin'."
"I know," Amy said. "Maybe all the times it doesn't work out can be worth it, for the one time in a million that your faith gets rewarded. I just... I don't know if I can do it Pixie. Where was someone like you when I was the trapped little girl? What use did I have for hope, when I couldn't even remember what the world looked like outside my cell, when I couldn't even remember my own mother's face? The other girls they brought in sometimes hoped that somebody would come and get them, but sooner or later, that hope always gave way to despair, and then they'd either die, or be willing to bargain anything just to feel like things weren't so bad. I saw it happen so many times. Not having hope, not being able to escape inside my own mind... it kept me alive. I could always focus on where I was, and what was happening to me. It never occurred to me to try and escape them, so I manipulated them instead. Hope was a luxury I never had then, and now, it's a complication I don't need."
She was quiet for a while, before she continued, unbidden, "It's hard not to want to die sometimes."
Pixie bit her lip and rested her forehead against the back of Amy's head. That one had hit close to home.
Pixie didn't reply for a while. It was hard to find the right words at times like this. She had suspected Amy felt this way, of course. It was certainly an understandable mentality, especially considering what she'd gone through.
"Amy," She squeezed her tighter. "I won' pretend ta' understand what you went through, but I can' say I know exactly how you feel. When I was still'a stupid kid jus' tryin' ta' survive with a child ta' take care of, I thought 'bout little else. The only thin' keepin' me goin' was a promise I'd made ta' myself. That I'd make sure he surived, even if it killed me. Instead'a hurtin' myself, I took it out on 'im. I got over it, though, it took a long time an' a lot of dicipline, but I put it behind me."
Until I struck out at Lil...
"Still," She sighed. "I feel that way a lot. I picture jus' how easy it'd be ta' end it all. Ta' ferget all my troubles with a bullet to the brain. But then..." Her voice softened. "I think of 'im. I think a' Sprout n' Lilith. An' I think'a Ruffles, an' Cranston an' Bennie. I think of my Maidens, all the people I'd be leavin' behind. All the people that depend on me."
Pixie propped herself up on one arm and looked down at Amy, caressing her cheek with her other hand, "Sure, people suck. People can betray you, hurt you... make you wish you was never born. But, ya' know, life's finite. In any instant you can lose it all, an', well... I don' know, I guess I kinda appreciate the beauty in that concept. I wanna live so I can appreciate what I have while it's still here." She smiled. "Is there anythin'... anyone you 'ave in this world that you feel that way about? That you wanna live jus' ta' appreciate them while they're still here?"
Amy drew back, just far enough so she could look into Pixie's face, and stroke a had through her hair.
"There is now."
Pixie blushed, fighting against the inevitable smirk. Whether she loved the girl or not, she couldn't help but admit how charming she was. Even when she wasn't acting. Wrapping an arm around Amy, she held the back of her head and collapsed into Amy's arms.
"Bein' alive, in this world... it's painful, Amy. But, ya' know, it can be purdy amazin', too." Pixie nuzzled the girl's neck, smiling. "Moments like this ar' what many people live for. Jus' bein' with someone you care about an' talkin' to 'em. No matter what happens, I'll always be there fer you, Amy. Ya' need someone ta' talk to. A shoulder ta' cry on. Anythin'. Yer one'a my own, now an' I'll do anythin' fer my people."
Something was still wrong, but for once, Amy couldn't put her finger on what it was.
'What is it? What am I not seeing?'
'What you refuse to see.'
"I know.," she answered "and thank you for being patient with me. It's just that, we can't afford to keep pushing each-other like we did every time one of us is having a bad day, because I don't see the days getting any shorter anytime soon. On that note, we should probably get some sleep."
Pixie rolled back over onto her side and pulled Amy in as close as she could, "Sleep sounds good." Pixie giggled softly and closed her eye. "G'night, Amy." She whispered.
Though she had every reason to be distraught over the night's events, Pixie was surprisingly content. Before she could figure out why, however, she'd already fallen asleep.
"Okay." Amy complied, dressing down herself before snuggling up next to her on the bed. She smiled while trying to ignore the vague sense of unease eating at the back of her mind.
Pixie wrapped her arms around the girl, holding her close before resting her chin on the top of Amy's head. She was smiling, sadly, "A few years back we got in to'a big tussle with some other bandits. Don' remember who they were, but I do recall what the town looked like when we were done. A lot'a civilian casualties, mostly from their guns, but I don' doubt we had blood on 'ar hands too. Anyway," She sighed. "The fight ended with a big ol' blast that tore down an inn near the townsquare. Didn' think anythin' of it until this man came up ta' me. He was covered'n ash'n had a few nasty burns and bruises."
Pixie was silence for a short time before continuing, "He says ta' me, 'My daughter was in there! How could you monsters do that!?'. We didn' blow the buildin', but I wasn' gonna waste anytime arguin'. I did somethin' stupid then, but I don' regret it. I looked 'im in the eye an' I said, 'I'll get yer lil' girl back to ya'.'." She laughed. "I spent six hours, bleedin' from cuts n' bruises of my own all the while, diggin' through debris, lookin' fer his lil' girl. I was 'bout ta' give up when I heard a faint cry underneath me. It was a goddamn miracle is what it was. Found the lil' squirt under a busted pillar. Damn thin' saved 'er life. So, I dug 'er out an' brought her to 'er daddy. Jus' like that."
She ran her finger nails up and down the length of Amy's arm in silence, letting the story sink in. Whispering in her ear, Pixie added, "It ain't always helpful, but sometimes its good ta' 'ave hope, darlin'."
"I know," Amy said. "Maybe all the times it doesn't work out can be worth it, for the one time in a million that your faith gets rewarded. I just... I don't know if I can do it Pixie. Where was someone like you when I was the trapped little girl? What use did I have for hope, when I couldn't even remember what the world looked like outside my cell, when I couldn't even remember my own mother's face? The other girls they brought in sometimes hoped that somebody would come and get them, but sooner or later, that hope always gave way to despair, and then they'd either die, or be willing to bargain anything just to feel like things weren't so bad. I saw it happen so many times. Not having hope, not being able to escape inside my own mind... it kept me alive. I could always focus on where I was, and what was happening to me. It never occurred to me to try and escape them, so I manipulated them instead. Hope was a luxury I never had then, and now, it's a complication I don't need."
She was quiet for a while, before she continued, unbidden, "It's hard not to want to die sometimes."
Pixie bit her lip and rested her forehead against the back of Amy's head. That one had hit close to home.
Pixie didn't reply for a while. It was hard to find the right words at times like this. She had suspected Amy felt this way, of course. It was certainly an understandable mentality, especially considering what she'd gone through.
"Amy," She squeezed her tighter. "I won' pretend ta' understand what you went through, but I can' say I know exactly how you feel. When I was still'a stupid kid jus' tryin' ta' survive with a child ta' take care of, I thought 'bout little else. The only thin' keepin' me goin' was a promise I'd made ta' myself. That I'd make sure he surived, even if it killed me. Instead'a hurtin' myself, I took it out on 'im. I got over it, though, it took a long time an' a lot of dicipline, but I put it behind me."
Until I struck out at Lil...
"Still," She sighed. "I feel that way a lot. I picture jus' how easy it'd be ta' end it all. Ta' ferget all my troubles with a bullet to the brain. But then..." Her voice softened. "I think of 'im. I think a' Sprout n' Lilith. An' I think'a Ruffles, an' Cranston an' Bennie. I think of my Maidens, all the people I'd be leavin' behind. All the people that depend on me."
Pixie propped herself up on one arm and looked down at Amy, caressing her cheek with her other hand, "Sure, people suck. People can betray you, hurt you... make you wish you was never born. But, ya' know, life's finite. In any instant you can lose it all, an', well... I don' know, I guess I kinda appreciate the beauty in that concept. I wanna live so I can appreciate what I have while it's still here." She smiled. "Is there anythin'... anyone you 'ave in this world that you feel that way about? That you wanna live jus' ta' appreciate them while they're still here?"
Amy drew back, just far enough so she could look into Pixie's face, and stroke a had through her hair.
"There is now."
Pixie blushed, fighting against the inevitable smirk. Whether she loved the girl or not, she couldn't help but admit how charming she was. Even when she wasn't acting. Wrapping an arm around Amy, she held the back of her head and collapsed into Amy's arms.
"Bein' alive, in this world... it's painful, Amy. But, ya' know, it can be purdy amazin', too." Pixie nuzzled the girl's neck, smiling. "Moments like this ar' what many people live for. Jus' bein' with someone you care about an' talkin' to 'em. No matter what happens, I'll always be there fer you, Amy. Ya' need someone ta' talk to. A shoulder ta' cry on. Anythin'. Yer one'a my own, now an' I'll do anythin' fer my people."
Something was still wrong, but for once, Amy couldn't put her finger on what it was.
'What is it? What am I not seeing?'
'What you refuse to see.'
"I know.," she answered "and thank you for being patient with me. It's just that, we can't afford to keep pushing each-other like we did every time one of us is having a bad day, because I don't see the days getting any shorter anytime soon. On that note, we should probably get some sleep."
Pixie rolled back over onto her side and pulled Amy in as close as she could, "Sleep sounds good." Pixie giggled softly and closed her eye. "G'night, Amy." She whispered.
Though she had every reason to be distraught over the night's events, Pixie was surprisingly content. Before she could figure out why, however, she'd already fallen asleep.