The Escapist Advice Thread

[username sucks]

Yes the decided far been go want do to sense in a word make.

dear Escapist, how can I ignore people endlessly talking at me without said people getting mad?

 

[Teoes]

Stick your fingers in your ears and shout "LALALALALALALALA" at the top of your voice.

Dear Escapist, please tell me how I can get people to make me cups of tea more often. It burdens me so.

 

[username sucks]

You have two options: Pay them, or threaten them. Either works, but threats are cheaper.

Dear Escapist, how can I think of better things to ask for advice on?

 

[EeveeElectro]

Kill yourself and ask us how to revive yourself.

Dear Escapist, how do I stop my husband sleeping with other women?

Emilee, 21.

 

[username sucks]

Make him go to sleep... forever.

Dear Escapist, how do I know whether to take the above post seriously or not?

 

[Teoes]

Dress up as a woman and attempt to seduce Emilee's husband.

Dear Escapist, how should I go about seducing username sucks?

 

[EeveeElectro]

Throw bits of malt loaf at it's head.

Dear Escapist, how do I get a bikini body in four days?

Emilee, 21 and 3/4

 

[MammothBlade]

Eat nothing but chocolate cake and let it all fill out.

Dear Escapist, how do I read in bed with a torch?

 

[username sucks]

Use it to light your house on fire, that way you can see without having to hold the flaming piece of wood.

Dear Escapist, how do I achieve peace?

 

[Teoes]

Kill everyone.

Dear Escapist, how do I stop the world from learning my terrible secret, without killing everyone?

 

[StormShaun]

You ask Dr. Who to help you, then ya kill him.
Steal his ... thing.
Then you go back in time to the dinosaur age, dance for a little while. Then you pull out a clock, smash it and congratulations you destroyed past time which allows you to gain more.

... trust me it makes sense.

Dear Escapist people, how do I gain followers on Twitter!?

 

[username sucks]

Put up boring videos of cats and make sure to beg for followers in the video and description.

Dear escapist, I have declared Fijiman my Escapist nemesis. How do I win?

 

[EeveeElectro]

Cut off your finger and send it to his house.

Dear Escapist, how do I dress myself?

 

[Dalek Caan]

Burn all your clothes, never will have to worry about dressing yourself again.

Dear Escapist, how do I hate you better?

 

[Not G. Ivingname]

Send us lots of chocolate, diamonds, and cash. That will really make us suffer.

Dear the Escapist, I been contacted by the Arch-Duke of Nigeria that I can become "ultra super rich" if I give him a cash payment of only 250,000. What should I do? Is this a scam?

 

[EeveeElectro]

It certainly isn't. I did it once and never looked back now I have gold toilet seats! go for it, and send me your PIN number while you're at it.

Dear Escapist, How do I fix my washing machine?

 

[Headsprouter]

Take the cat out.

Dear Escapist, how do I climb stairs?

 

[username sucks]

Just run as fast as you can at them and pretend it's flat ground.

Dear Escapist, how do I get the cat to stop biting me?

 

[Dr.Susse]

Remove the cats jaw.

Dear Escapist, how do I stop animal rights groups hating me?

 

[EeveeElectro]

Set lions on them.

Dear Escapist, how do I clean my room?