The Escapist Advice Thread

[Headsprouter]

Here, let me show you: *downs an entire bowl of soup*

Deah ethcapith, hou du ah ficth my thongue?

 

[Teoes]

T'is simple. You just need a claw hammer, like this one.. come here..

Dear Escapist, how do I lift?

 

[Dr.Susse]

You don't Teoes. You don't.

Dear Escapist, how do I get a certain song out of my head?

Clothing SNIP

I applaud you sir!

 

[Yuno Gasai]

Drill a hole in your skull. If it released demons from your head in the olden times, it'll definitely work now!

Dear Escapist, how do I cook?

 

[MammothBlade]

Put that shit in the oven, turn it to max, and wait till your fire alarm goes off.

Dear Escapists, how do I learned magic?

 

[EeveeElectro]

You go up to a lady and ask if you can show her your penis disappearing trick.

Dear Escapist, how do I ride a horse?

 

[Teoes]

You climb up, get a leg on either side of it and.. go. Yes.

Dear Escapist, I've stapled my ear to my shoulder. What do I do?

 

[MammothBlade]

Do the same to your other ear.

Dear Escapist, how do I block?

 

[username sucks]

Hold the shield to your left side, leaving your front wide open. The enemy will never expect it.

Dear Escapist, how do I fly the plane I just hijacked?

 

[MammothBlade]

Pull the joystick all the way towards you, and increase throttle to max.

Dear Escapist, how do I shot down plane?

 

[Not G. Ivingname]

Make sure your on it first...

Dear Escapist, how grammar ?I do

 

[OmniscientOstrich]

Fuck the how does I know?

Dear Escapist, how do I fake my death?

 

[Dalek Caan]

Die in the most stupid way possible. People will stop caring for you if you die as idiotically as possible.

Dear Escapist, I've just moved to London to find work and so far have only got called back for one interview, who are still deciding who to take on as a apprentice. Who do I kill a Legendary Dragon in Skyrim?

 

[MammothBlade]

Go to Dragon's Den whilst watching The Apprentice.

How do I ate spider?

 

[Dalek Caan]

Attract a level 43 pyromancer and force him to make a sandwich.

How does I feel the emotions?

 

[MammothBlade]

Replace amygdala module.

How do I reattached limb?

 

[Headsprouter]

Step 1: Go back to School and learn basic grammar. Step 2: Build Time Machine. Step 3: Use silicone gun on past self. You have now reattached limb.

How do I reproduce?

 

[Neuromancer]

Unload your syrup into the donut of the desired female.

How do I improve the above metaphor?

 

[Teoes]

Spoiler: With this

Dear Escapist, I've now stapled both ears to my shoulders. What's next?

 

[Headsprouter]

Construct additional pylons.

My grandfather is locked inside a burning building! HEELP!