The Escapist Advice Thread

[username sucks]

Get some bread, grind it up, add water, kidnap a french guy, then force him to make a perfect soufflé using threats of death.

Dear Escapist, how do I decide what to do with my life?

 

[Headsprouter]

A compass will help you find your way.

Dear Escapist, how do I blend in with Canadians?

 

[Barbas]

That would take an especially powerful blender. I think the Canadian Army's caterers have one you could use, if you ask them nicely.

Dear Escapist, what precisely is Sanic?

 

[MetaKnight670]

Sanic is the love child of Satan and Sonic the Hedgehog.

Dear Escapist, why are the moon and the sun mad at each other?

 

[Barbas]

I think somebody farted.

Dear Escapist, how do I refurbish my tea room?

 

[Headsprouter]

You might need a few of these. [http://i947.photobucket.com/albums/ad312/lapis_philosophorum/Furbys/DSCF1481.jpg]

Dear Escapist, how do I achieve maximum euphoria?

 

[Not G. Ivingname]

Time to homebrew some drugs! Just take some Bleach, all the pills in the cabinet, and some dog @#$% for good measure, put it into a blender, and prepare for the high of your life.

Dear Escapist, how do I escape the Superbowl madness?

 

[Dr.Susse]

Move to any other country. You'll be right!

Dear Escapist do you love me? How can I make you love me?

 

[Barbas]

Ballads. Lots and lots of ballads.

Dear Escapist, how do I coax a goat up a ladder?

 

[Blow_Pop]

With a tasty offering of pants obviously

Dear Escapist, how can I actually sleep well?

 

[Headsprouter]

Using your loaf helps. And by that I mean eating before bed. No figures of speech, here...

Dear Escapist, how do I talk to the wife-men?

 

[Blow_Pop]

very gently and in Russian to confuse them. Works every time.

Dear Escapist, why can't my state acknowledge that seasons exist?

 

[Barbas]

That's the hellcube. Don't listen to the voices, or a man with pins in his face will harvest your flesh.

Dear Escapist, how do I direct a tasteful, game-changing, revolutionary sex scene?

 

[Blow_Pop]

In any way that's not God of War based

Dear Escapist, where do I find a dragon at?

 

[username sucks]

Google "sex" and just steal the first video.

Scear Edapist, how do I stop listening to classical music?

 

[Barbas]

By blocking a major artery and waiting for everything to blow over.

Dear Escapist, why are there alligators in the sewers?

 

[Blow_Pop]

Because I needed somewhere to keep and breed them.

Dear escapist, once I find my dragon how do I befriend it?

 

[Barbas]

With excessive amounts of bling so tasteless that even a Persian would balk at them.

Dear Escapist, I scare - what do?

 

[username sucks]

Stop breath. You fear end soon.

Dear Escapist, how do I become as grossly incandescent as the sun?

 

[Barbas]

Three words: Nuclear Light Bulbs!

Dear Escapist, this place is not the promised land. How do I solve this?