[HEADING=2]Rising Dawn ----------------------------------------------------------------------- 12:00 PM[/HEADING][hr][HEADING=3]
Lt. Dolores Selmy[/HEADING]
Isaac stood awkwardly behind me, shifting his weight back and forth as he kept his eyes glued to his boots. He looked for like a beaten dog than the proud officer he once was.
"Isaac, please help me." I said slowly, holding a towel over my front. Taking showers by myself were no longer possible. Moving from my wheel chair to the steel bench that the engineering corp had welded into my shower was a difficult and dangerous task. I shifted in my seat and ran my fingers through my hair. Oil and sweat slicked my fingers. I grimaced.
"Come on Issac," I asked again,
"I can't do this without help."
I heard him inch closer, the squeak of his boots against the tile floor bit into my bones, sending shivers up my spine. The air was cold. He slipped his arms under mine and lifted me up like a cat. He held me at arm's length and set me down on the steel bench. The cold made me shudder.
"Did I hurt you?" Isaac asked, alarmed.
"I'm fine, I'm fine. The metal, it's just a little cold," I answered. I gripped the side of the bend and shift myself slightly so that I was completely on top of the flat metal surface. Isaac bowed his head and stepped out of the shower. I gently closed the frosted glass door, but left it just a little ajar so I could still see Isaac. He shifted his weight uncomfortably for a bit and started to leave.
"Isaac?" I called out after him.
"Where are you going?"
He paused for a little bit, unsure of how to answer.
"I'm going to give you your privacy," he answered.
"No. Stay here. I'm going to need you to help me out when I'm done."
He blushed.
"This is one of those situations where we're both adults Isaac. You can look at me, I'm not embarrassed."
"But," was all the response he could muster.
"Isaac," I said, peering through the hold in the door. There was something welling up inside me. I was annoyed, angry. I felt weak and unwanted for some reason. I felt frustrated, I wanted to scream. The cold bit into my skin, the towel tickled my skin and the vague dampness of the shower sent prickles down my skin. I hated it, I hated everything, I hated how light my body felt, I hated how I couldn't move my legs yet I could still feel the cold of the steel on my skin.
I was angry.
"Isaac," I said. I knew my voice was hush and tense. I knew that this was how Rhodes sounded when she was upset. How Laeta sounded when she was mad. I knew this was what
mad was supposed to sound like, but I didn't know if this was what
I was supposed to sound like.
"I am not the girl that you saved eighteen years ago. My name is Dolores Selmy. I am not Lola." I was angrier than I had any right to be.
"You don't have to feel bad for me! I'm not some weak little ***** anymore okay!? I'm not some delicate flower that needs to be protected, I'm not a doll for passing around, I'm... I'm... I'm my own person and I'm saying that I need help right now! As an adult, as Dolores."
Isaac was staring at me like I was some sort of monster.
"Lola..."
"No Isaac! No! I'm not the little fucking girl you fell in love with in elementary school Isaac. I'm not afraid of men, I'm not some scarred little girl who needs you pretend like the reality is... that the reality is." I paused. I didn't know where I was going with this. But I felt sad. I was sad because I couldn't remember anything from back then. I was sad because I had been treated like an inferior version of myself my entire goddamn life.
My name is Dolores. It means to suffer. I suffer. I suffer always.
"God," the words trickled out of my mouth like the last drops in a rivulet.
"Look at me. I'm pathetic. I'm twenty four years old. I can't fight, I'm not a leader. I don't have any skills, and I can't even get the boy whose been in love with me for two decades to look at me." Was pity all that I could do? Just for once. I wanted to feel like I was in control of my life. That people would do the things that I told them to, that something would go my way.
I spent all my years listening and obeying. I listened to Rhodes when I was young. When I was a teenager I listened to Dad. When I was an adult I listened to my superiors. My god. I never got to do anything. I never got to
do anything.
"PFC Mohsen." Just once. Just once I would like to be the one that's in control.
"Come into the shower."
[hr]
[HEADING=2]1:00 PM[/HEADING]
It hurt. It hurt. It hurt. It hurt.
The sheets were cold against me, the ceiling above was bare. The air was cold all across my body. It was always cold. It always felt cold. It hurt. I held myself the best I could. I wanted to cry but no tears would come. I just sat in silence in the darkness of my room.
Isaac left a while ago, apologizing and bowing for all the good it did.
I got carried away. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that. I respect you as a person. Blah blah. They were all the same in the end. I ran my fingers tentatively over my breasts, over the cold wetness that stained my skin with a blushing maroon. These would turn into bruises soon. I traced my fingers over some of the larger splotches. It still smelled faintly of Isaac's breath.
Outside of that the sheets were stained red. It hurt. I had thought at first that it had come today, which would had made sense. It had been about three weeks. But... this blood was different. I was used to a thick dark maroon. Rich blood, old blood. But the crimson between my legs was bright red, and a little pink in places that it mixed with... well...
I wish he had handed me my tissues before he left.
My abdomen hurt badly, not only the surface and the muscles, but something within. I felt... broken.
In the end I wasn't in control.
I'm never in control.
How could I be?
I was used to being on top. I was used to setting the pace. I always knew how to play the part of the willing toy. But... I was crippled now. I lost control. I got hurt. I rubbed my shoulders. Why am I so cold? The chill of the air bit into me even more than before my shower. I traced my finger down to my navel and wet the scratches on my sides and hips with saliva. It would help the cuts heal.
But I had to do something about this blood. I needed someone to help me. I couldn't get up by myself. I couldn't call Rhodes. What would she think? What would I say? I couldn't call Laeta. She would by furious, even more than Rhodes.
I sat there in the dark, in the cold, in silence. I was hurt.
Something must have tore inside of me.
A stitching or something.
I still had fresh wounds.
I shouldn't have done that. I'm stupid.
What did I want to accomplish from doing this? What did I get from this? Did I get some satisfaction from forcing Isaac to sleep with me? Did I really need so much to feel like I could order someone around?
He should have known better. He knew I was hurt. Why did he do what I said?
Because I told him.
Because he wanted to.
Everyone is the same.
When I was young and my name was still Lola, I used to do this all the time. I would sit in the dark of my room, naked and bloody. Cold from all the wet places on my body and sheets. Back then I would ball up and cry. I would cry and cry and wish for someone to save me.
No one ever came. The world was cruel after all. It wouldn't stop spinning just because of some doll.
Lots of people would care if I died. Lots of people cared when I was injured.
No one cares if I'm hurt.
When I was young and my name was still Lola, I would sit in the dark of my room. Holding myself against the wall, buried in pillows. I would sit there in the dark after everyone had left and I would wish that the world would end. That someone would come and swallow all of the evil souls that infested the world.
Humanity had lived too long. That's what I had decided.
When I was young and my name was still Lolita.
I used to wish I had sisters.
People who cared that I was alive. That I was doing okay.
When I was young and my name wasn't Dolores, I would wish I had a father. Someone who loved me more than anything in the world.
When i was young, I wished I had a mother. Someone who was strong, perfect and untouchable.
How did it go so wrong?
My sisters are better people than me.
My father abused me.
My mother is too busy to take care of me.
Why did it go so wrong.
...
...
...
When I was young, and I didn't have a name. I wished that I could be the main character of the story.
I never realized how
wrong I could be.
"And I wonder, what kind of Wonderland will you make?"