That is damn hard to read, but I think I got most of it correct. So here is a probably mostly correct transcription:
Top Five Gaming Cupcakes
You know that point where you've realized your career has hit rock bottom. Not just that normal rock-bottom bullshit, but straight up moleman bottom. If my career could go any lower I would have long since burnt up in the Earth's core. It's like a limbo champion and a gnome squaring off in the worst type of golf tournament. If my career had a temperature you would need kelvin to track it accurately and have the reference for absolute 0.
Now, I'm not saying this is mundane, but fucking cupcakes, heh, like that xkcd thing. BUTT FUCKING cupcakes. So cupcakes that partake in anal sex. Presumably they only claim it.