The Loner

[SilentCom]

"a person who is or prefers to be alone, especially one who avoids the company of others" - dictionary.com

We all have differing preconceived notions of what it is to be a loner and either look up to them or look down on them. Some may view them as cool because of their individualism and rejection of mainstream while others view them as socially awkward and a potential threat. How do you guys view "loners" and why do you think they are that way? For those who regard themselves as loners, how exactly do you view yourself?
I personally would regard myself as one but not because I wanted to look cool. You could say I'm socially awkward but frankly I'm at the point that I don't really care and I like to do things my own way. Also there's a level of social and emotional disconnect between me and other people whereas much of my thoughts were borderline radical though very rational and at times cold and judgmental. I've been described as "the quiet one you have to watch out for." Why is it that people worry that the "quiet ones" who mind their own business and not socialize with others to the same degree as them are potential threats? When I was in highschool people probably would have voted for me as one of the most likely people to shoot up the school, yet they couldn't be further from the truth about who I was. I don't hold any resent towards people for having this view but find it perplexing albeit a little humorous that they hold these views. I guess I'm asking, what place is there in society for loners and why do people hold incorrect views of them?

 

[viranimus]

Advanced warning. This will take a lot of text. Even by my standards.

First and most important point. You have to judge situations on a case by case situation. No two people are exactly alike.

Spoiler

In order to try to explain this I must look at myself as a case example.

Examination

I am what would be considered a loner. The more precise and more clinical definition in my case is a sociable introvert. Meaning I am generally friendly and willing to engage in social interaction when I find myself in such a situation, however I typically choose to avoid most social situations.

Perception

Your actions speak louder than words to other people, even if those actions are not directed toward them. Those actions can be anything, from how often you smile in general, the choices you make about yourself, and even how you interact with others. Even if you are interacting with one individual, Another individual who is only witnessing the interaction will use that as a basis to form an opinion. Now typically that one interaction will get weighed against other information about you. And the less there is known about you the more those isolated instances will influence that persons decision about you.

Groups

Another important part of this is to consider that the various different situations where social interaction will take place will color the reaction. As an example, As I said before I am a sociable introvert. Now if you place me in a situation where I am uncomfortable I will react differently to the interaction. I will give examples. The first of which would be interacting with my ex's family. My ex came from a close knit family that were more religious than I am. So, I typically found myself uncomfortable in their family gatherings. I found myself coming off as quiet and shy. The reason for this was seeing her family having a strong religious background, and not being all that religious myself I was usually afraid of saying something that might offend them. Even knowing that they were good natured people and not easily offended I could not push myself to test those boundaries. It did not take long for my ex's family to notice this and they would mistakingly assume that I was shy. I am the furthest thing from shy. I am blunt and more often than not downright abrasive, which is the reason why I made it a point to say as little as possible, especially when I had nothing to really add to their conversations which always were a little too G to PG rated for my personal tastes.

Another example to illustrate the contrast is how I was typically perceived at work. I have always had this silly notion that If I am being paid to do a job, my focus should be on performing the tasks assigned. I worked hard to keep a very professional persona and remain focused on the task at hand rather than divert and get caught up in social interaction the way that alot of people do in work environments. This manifested in rarely joking around with people while on the clock. It even manifested in external appearances. I was known for typically overdressing (they say a man should always dress for the job he wants, So why am I dressed up like a pirat.... Oh sorry, got off track there) such as being in dress shirt, and tie in a casual to business casual work environment. Now the fact that I seemed to be all business on the clock it made people more leery about interacting with me while I was off the clock.

Also while on that subject, external appearances can help people form opinions of you especially when they lack other elements needed to make a proper assessment of character. Where I was usually all business at work co-workers typically knew little about me. Now granted I was typically overdressed for the occasion, but I also would allow my sense of style to show through. I might be in dress shirt, slacks and tie, But I would typically (in the winter time) wear a long black leather trench coat and black leather gloves. On top of other elements of personal expression such as wearing 14 inch EMS/Trooper boots, Having either long hair half way down my back, or shaved bald. That "look" coupled with rarely being seen smiling or joking with others, and pulling into work to assault anyone in proximity to the sounds of loud and aggressive music as soon as I hit the car door typically lent itself to people seeing an aura of anger or intimidation around me. Giving them less incentive to bother to get to know me and understand that just because a person is dressed a certain way does not make them what you assume that look means.

Assessment

Like it or not people at any given time have to make decisions based on the available information. If someone lacks enough info to make a proper assessment of you, they will inevitably make their assessment based on what they have seen (or in some cases heard about you) Some times you have to go out of your way to project an image to someone in order for them to get it. Even if you do not want to bother with interacting with a specific individual, if you are going to repeatedly cross paths with them, they will get an impression of you. Sometimes you will find yourself being forced to project an image of yourself even if that is not entirely what your about in order for people to get the image you want and expect them to have of you.

Image projection

As I mentioned earlier about the way I dressed, and later in the prior sentence, We all project an image of ourselves on others. In many cases the images presented will be different based on the circumstances at hand. Using the example of the workplace environment again, I know part of the reason I chose to dress and behave the way I did at the work place had multiple desired effects. The first of which was the professional. That was done because I wanted to show my bosses that I was serious about the job and I was not only looking for, but capable of taking on additional responsibilities and to move ahead in the company. The purpose of my demeanor and letting the darker elements to my sense of style show was because I knew some people would view it as intimidating. My logic was that if someone is capable of incorrectly assuming the way I look represents the way I will act, then I am able to make a personality assessment and know that they would likely be a short sighted person and as such it is in all likelihood not someone I would want to put much effort into associating with.

Summary

When it comes down to it, you really cannot blame people for acting on what is in essence human nature. We all make judgments of people and situations. Usually unconsciously. The real control of the matter is what you choose to put forth and the less you put forth to show yourself in the light you wish to be viewed in the more in the dark those people will end up being about you. Typically ending with an incorrect perception of you.


Loners

Is there a place for loners in this world? Absolutely. There are plenty of viable lifestyle choices that can accommodate this style of existence. As you become an adult you are much more free to choose what type of life you lead. If you wish to be a loner then there are jobs that require little or no social interaction. Night jobs are a good example of this. Also living at night helps to further reduce instances you are involved in basic social interactions.

Stupid people

As I mentioned before if you do not provide enough information for people to make an accurate assessment of what you are all about, they can make the wrong assessment. I have in my years adopted the motto of "As it relates to stupid people, there are more of them than there are of us." Some people can be oblivious to the point of being pants on head retarded. Just ask some openly gay people who have encountered people that despite never trying to hide it and even being pretty vocal about it, never figure out that they are gay. Much in the same way, that level of stupid person is just as likely to assume because you really dont care to talk to them that must mean your the illegitimate love child of Charles Manson and John Wayne Gacy. For those people, typically nothing you will do will make them see reason, and its really not worth your effort to bother trying.

So for the TLR crowd. Most of the power to shape the way people look at you is in your own hands. But as the quote from the film "Cool Hand Luke" It usually breaks down to direct and indirect communication.


Whew, that took a bit of effort. Sorry for the longwindedness, but that has been what I have experienced in life and what I have learned in studying human psychology.

 

[Fiz_The_Toaster]

I consider myself more of a lone wolf, I don't really care if I have company and I'd rather be left alone more than anything. I suppose it has to deal more with me being socially awkward and having a social anxiety. I'm rather comfortable with who I am and if people don't like it or like me for it I normally tell people to fuck off, which is rather off putting for most, but at least I'm honest about it.

As for social standings for loners and their stigma attached to it, I think in regards for standings it varies from person to person, but for most people loners are viewed as someone to look out for. Loners have this stereotype attached to them because of serial killers that were described as loners, and people automatically assume that if you are a loner you are up to no good and will kill you at the slightest provocation, and that's just ignorant.

Their place in society? Well, that's a tough question to answer because of the label attached to them, it's difficult, but I think they can still have a "normal" life even if it's not more socially active than what most people would like for them.

 

[viranimus]

Loners have this stereotype attached to them because of serial killers that were described as loners, and people automatically assume that if you are a loner you are up to no good and will kill you at the slightest provocation, and that's just ignorant.

You do have to wonder about that mentality and where it comes from. I know from what I have seen when there is an instance where the neighborhood gets interviewed about living next door to a serial killer, what is their response? Why he was always the nicest, most polite guy I ever met. I am totally shocked. I would never of thought he could do something like that.

Izzard also seconds this, by saying "Mass murders come from the places you least expect"

 

[Fiz_The_Toaster]

Loners have this stereotype attached to them because of serial killers that were described as loners, and people automatically assume that if you are a loner you are up to no good and will kill you at the slightest provocation, and that's just ignorant.

You do have to wonder about that mentality and where it comes from. I know from what I have seen when there is an instance where the neighborhood gets interviewed about living next door to a serial killer, what is their response? Why he was always the nicest, most polite guy I ever met. I am totally shocked. I would never of thought he could do something like that.

Izzard also seconds this, by saying "Mass murders come from the places you least expect"

True, charisma goes a long way, and I will agree with you on that. Sometimes though the word "loner" gets thrown out there a little too carelessly.

Btw, that's my favorite Eddie Izzard part from Dressed to Kill.

 

[HapexIndustries]

I suppose I'm a loner in that I prefer to be alone most of the time and I choose my social engagements very carefully. I have always made friends quickly and have about a dozen "good" friends and dozens of acquaintances. I like people, and I like talking to people, and I don't sit around hating the world all the time.

That said, about 80% of the time I would prefer to be alone, doing my own thing. I go to the movies alone, I go to restaurants alone, not because I have to, but because I enjoy it. I enjoy experiencing the world from my own perspective without worrying about other people (worst case scenario) or even listening to their interesting viewpoints (best case scenario). I like to go to parties, I like to hang out, I like to do things, but I want to do these things on my terms, on my schedule. For me, interacting with others is like chocolate cake: always good, amazing when you want it, but it will totally get old quickly if you have it everyday.

The trick to being a successful loner is making it clear to everyone that it's your choice and just who you are. Recognize that others will think it's weird and just accept it. Make jokes about it. Whatever. If you are happier by yourself you will only make yourself miserable trying to fit in, and that will be apparent to everyone around you and make you seem like a total loser.

My favorite thing to do is to make people WANT you to hangout and do stuff and then turn them down most of the time. Not like an asshole, but like "Ooo, I'd like to go to that party but I got a Neon Genesis Evangelion marathon to watch today. Sorry, maybe tomorrow." They won't know what to say and definitely think you're a little strange, but if you're charming as hell it'll work out.

Social interaction is just another game, and it's an easy one as long as you're relatively exoverted, intelligent, and funny. There's no reason to sacrifice your free time and freedom so that people won't think you're weird.

 

[Eldarion]

/MEGASNIP

I read the entire thing. Its very close to describing me. Except for the "wants to project a professional appearance" thing, cause I don't care what my boss thinks that much.

I was a loner through most of high school. Still only have a few close friends.

 

[zombieeater6000]

"a person who is or prefers to be alone, especially one who avoids the company of others" - dictionary.com

We all have differing preconceived notions of what it is to be a loner and either look up to them or look down on them. Some may view them as cool because of their individualism and rejection of mainstream while others view them as socially awkward and a potential threat. How do you guys view "loners" and why do you think they are that way? For those who regard themselves as loners, how exactly do you view yourself?
I personally would regard myself as one but not because I wanted to look cool. You could say I'm socially awkward but frankly I'm at the point that I don't really care and I like to do things my own way. Also there's a level of social and emotional disconnect between me and other people whereas much of my thoughts were borderline radical though very rational and at times cold and judgmental. I've been described as "the quiet one you have to watch out for." Why is it that people worry that the "quiet ones" who mind their own business and not socialize with others to the same degree as them are potential threats? When I was in highschool people probably would have voted for me as one of the most likely people to shoot up the school, yet they couldn't be further from the truth about who I was. I don't hold any resent towards people for having this view but find it perplexing albeit a little humorous that they hold these views. I guess I'm asking, what place is there in society for loners and why do people hold incorrect views of them?

wow we sound creepily similar

 

[viranimus]

/MEGASNIP

I read the entire thing. Its very close to describing me. Except for the "wants to project a professional appearance" thing, cause I don't care what my boss thinks that much.

I was a loner through most of high school. Still only have a few close friends.

Glad to know I am not the only one, and I do appreciate putting forth the effort to read that anuruism inducing wall of text.

As for the bosses thing. That all boils down to the simple fact I like money, and with greater position comes greater financial stability. (and unfortunately more often than not, less time to be able to enjoy it)Honestly I found that I could really give a rats ass about what a boss thinks, So long as I have them thinking I deserve and am capable of handling that higher paying position.

But I think eventually I learned the order of climbing corporate ladders. Its like a tree full of monkeys. The monkey at the top of the tree sees nothing but smiling faces when they look down. However the monkeys at the bottom see nothing but assholes as they look up.

 

[Eldarion]

/MEGASNIP

I read the entire thing. Its very close to describing me. Except for the "wants to project a professional appearance" thing, cause I don't care what my boss thinks that much.

I was a loner through most of high school. Still only have a few close friends.

Glad to know I am not the only one.

As for the bosses thing. That all boils down to the simple fact I like money, and with greater position comes greater financial stability. (and unfortunately more often than not, less time to be able to enjoy it)

My job is just a fact of life, I have to have one to survive. Don't care much about money. Gonna hopefully move out of my parents house and split apartment rent with a friend of mine. So as long as it pays the bills I guess.

Got like zero career ambition.

 

[Ystilix]

How fitting to have a discussion about loners on a website about escapism.