The Optimistic Thread

[2fish]

Rainbows, candy, sunshine, flowers...

FOOLED YOU!

It has been a shit month for me. So realists, pessimists, all brothers and sisters that are not optimists be welcome.


We have a task. A calling if you will. We must proactively make things worse. Today's goal is the automated phone system.

I am thinking the perfect system starts with a real human. They answer after you answer a 3-5 questions to the robot lady. Then they tell you that they cannot help you but they will transfer you to the right department. The song that is played while on hold should be a depressing love song but only the same 30 seconds of it. After 30 seconds there is a click as if you are being transferred. You are transferred to the robot lady who says "you are on hold" then it transfers you back to the same 30 seconds of the song then repeat. I think this is best as it keeps making you think someone is answering your call but then crushing that hope.

Can you improve this? Do you have a better system?

I want to hear it!

Spoiler

Also I am renaming January to Fuck You it's January

 

[Barbas]

Can you improve this? Do you have a better system?

Yes. I propose changing the queue music to this:


...Because if there's anything I've learned from working in the hospitality industry, it's this:

1. The customer is always right.
2. The fools must be punished for their arrogance.

 

[tippy2k2]

Your system is good but there are two changes I would make...

#1. During the transfer part, the robot lady HAS to sound like a real person and the first words have to be something like "Thank you for holding, this is X" to make them believe that they are about to get help. There is no better way to drain a customers soul then to make them THINK that help is there only to snatch it away.

#2. Make the "real sounding" robot during the transfer say that they are next in line. To be truly soul crushing, hope must be given only to be snatched away with each transfer.

Brought to you by your friendly former-Apple tech support member tippy2k2

 

[username sucks]

I think the system should have you answer a single automated question, after which you would be directed to an actual person who could help you in a timely fashion. Wait times would also be minimal.

Oh, you weren't looking for an actual optimist? My apologies.

 

[Techno Squidgy]

This song annoys the hell out of me! It says bass cannon, then immediately begins high pitched squealing! THAT IS NOT BASS. I EXPECT MY SUBWOOFER TO PIN ME AGAINST THE WALL THROUGH SHEER AIR PRESSURE.

FUCK IT, I'M DESIGNING A REAL BASS CANNON.

 

[IOwnTheSpire]

It has been a shit month for me. So realists, pessimists, all brothers and sisters that are not optimists be welcome.

Just so you know, realism and optimism are not mutually exclusive. One can be a realist as well as an optimist or a pessimist.

 

[2fish]

It has been a shit month for me. So realists, pessimists, all brothers and sisters that are not optimists be welcome.

Just so you know, realism and optimism are not mutually exclusive. One can be a realist as well as an optimist or a pessimist.

Why must people always try to bring logic, definitions, and real life to my internet threads?

This happened with the underwear one, the Disney princess one, an so on.

I am fully aware that life is complicated, people can be a multitude of things ect.

HOWEVER.

This be my thread and these be me scurvy crew. Therefore there is only us and them. Are you an us or a them?

I think the system should have you answer a single automated question, after which you would be directed to an actual person who could help you in a timely fashion. Wait times would also be minimal.

Oh, you weren't looking for an actual optimist? My apologies.

While you are clearly a them I understand your confusion. Are you sure you don't want to help build an evil automated phone system?

 

[PsychicTaco115]

I'm confused, are we not being happy in this thread?

Because that's what I was expecting...

But if you want to make the automated phone calling more sad (not happy), just send a guy over to break your phone and then charge you for it. That'd make me sad

OP, this song is for you

 

[username sucks]

I think the system should have you answer a single automated question, after which you would be directed to an actual person who could help you in a timely fashion. Wait times would also be minimal.

Oh, you weren't looking for an actual optimist? My apologies.

While you are clearly a them I understand your confusion. Are you sure you don't want to help build an evil automated phone system?

I am quite sure. There is no need to make things more difficult for anyone, especially for no reason, as you proposed. We can all get along and make things better for everyone! All of life will be sunshine and rainbows!