I must make a point, Revenent. While presented with the opportunity, you have not entered. You have commented on both games and mostly gotten on my nerves. What you would do, as a critic, and what I would do, as a contestant, are completely separate.
My skill at representing another artists character may have fallen short. I'd love some specific examples, some actual critiquing, from you. I do not want you to make some comment about my skill and then not actually tell me how.
First of all, I really have to point out that you won't get anywhere in your writing with this attitude toward criticism. I only didn't enter the game because I had so much going on in my life that I had no time to write up an intro. New puppy to take care, major college-level exams coming up, preparing for baptism and much, much more. But guess what? An unbiased review is the exact kind of thing you actually want, so let a bit of the air out of your head and accept that your writing won't always be perfect. This wasn't even a full review, just a small tip for you to look deeper into your opponent's character(s) next time.
Nathan: It was hard to mess this one up, obviously, being that he's an emotionless character. The only mistake you made was in his description. Nathan had his head encased in metal, so you wouldn't be able to see his face at all.
Selene: This is where you went down the wrong path. Selene was shown to be an absolute despiser of all things cult-related, yet you presented her as an all-out cultist, what with carving symbols into the Harlequin's chest and drinking his blood. As you can see, the same idea can lead to two drastically different character representations. That's why I'm just trying to warn you about paying more attention to the opponent next time. A character with the potential that comes with full randomness could get far, as shown by Bartleby, so I can only say I hope you do well.
Vanguard: You're right it was my fault about the burnished metal. I had read your entry three weeks prior to writing my post, and didn't remember it perfectly. I didn't recatch the metal headpiece even after re-skimming. My bad.
However some "liberties" have to be taken as my character doesn't see everything yours does. Audrey, the woman in bandages, is not in my characters head, thus my character doesn't get to know of it. This is the most obvious one to me, however others were maybe more obvious. The life sucking thing was not properly explained and I kinda had to assume it wasn't an instant kill- more had to happen otherwise it would just be god-modding and unfair.
Other things I may have missed I apologize for, and I would enjoy if you pointed them out.
Lord Krunk: I realize. This is my first time and I have asked for criticism but all I had gotten until I posted was a one line "hey, You suck!" Which is really just rude and not helpful.
Revenent:
My attitude towards criticism is "give me something to work with." You popped up and pretty much told me I suck, that I should feel blessed my opponent may not be able to rejoin, not that I should feel the way I did- that it is unfair for me to just win without any competition.
And you're right, and unbiased review is exactly what I want. GIVE ME ONE. One line is not a review- it's not even helpful.
Again, you were right about Nathan and I have no one to blame but myself. However I think you should reread what Vanguard posted about Selene's character. Here's a helpful quote.
Vanguard1219 said:
Selene Bernadette Lancaster is a former doctor-in-training turned murderer and studier of the occult. Five years prior to current events both her and her husband, Nathan Lancaster, were assaulted by members of a fanatical cultist sect. Nathan was brutally murdered in front of her and Selene herself was raped and abused by the attackers before being left for dead.
The horrific events broke her psyche and scarred her mind forever. The same day Selene tracked her assailants down to their lair and slaughtered them down to the man, exacting her brutal and malicious vengeance.
With the members of the cultist sect now dead and gone, Selene pillaged their place of worship for every last book and piece of occult knowledge. Books, artifacts, everything. She used this knowledge to bring her lover Nathan back from the grave the very same day he was stripped of his mortal coil.
Now, in the present day, Selene is a modern day necromancer and practitioner of the occult as well as an outright and blatant murderer. In a misguided attempt to keep the same pain that was inflicted on both her and Nathan from happening to anyone else she hunts down and kills people that she sees as being like those that hurt her.
Nathan is no longer truly alive. Those his body lives on, he is but an empty husk without a soul. He does not eat, he does not sleep, he does not even speak. He is completely devoid of any kind of empathy and emotion. He is but a thrall, a mindless obedient to Selene's wishes. Yet Selene's love for her husband is so unhealthy that she isn't willing to let him go and keeps him "alive" in this state so that they, in her eyes at least, can never truly be apart.
Selene's mental state is very fragile and broken, crossing the line into insanity in several aspects. A schizophrenic, she is often greeted by visions of a woman that she knows as Audrey. Appearing as a young naked woman, presumably Selene herself, covered from head to toe in bandages, Audrey is frequently Selene's forceful "voice of reason", often urging and forcing her to commit acts and atrocities that are far from being reasonable.
Now, notice the line "modern day necromancer and practitioner of the occult"?
Perhaps you should read the source material yourself before criticizing others.
Finally, if you wish to criticize me, do so. I only ask that you do so in a way that is helpful to me- not in a way that is insulting and/or not helpful.
I would be just as annoyed if all you had posted was "good job" and nothing more.
Well, here it is. It's not what I aimed for, but I got there in the end. 9 pages worth...
You might note my lack of characterisation of Evil, but I noticed that most of the things that Evil ever said in Ultrajoe's short stories were thought, not spoken. Which made it very hard to do it from Axle/Athena's perspective.
Well, without further adieu...
The Ratings War 3
Entry 1
Thirst for Evil
Heaven, Hell, Purgatory, now all I need is Limbo to collect the whole set.
Axle was not in the brightest of moods, in fact, he wasn?t feeling happy at all. In one day, he had kidnapped a girl, watched her become possessed by? whatever the Great Shadow was, travelled to purgatory, got hit on the head by a loud brick and travelled to the river styx to get pummelled by some armoured guy with an inferiority complex. He just wanted to sleep, not fight. Of course he had to serve his mistress, but couldn?t she hold off for just a few hours?
?My Lady, do you think we?re here in spirit or as physical manifestations??
Athena shook her head. ?I think we?re here physically, because I would probably be here as a shadow if it wasn?t the case.?
He shrugged, contemplating his options. The man?s strength appeared to be his armour, so he needed to find a way to combat it. More so, now that he knew they were there in the flesh.
--------------------
Athena resumed her previous action, which was staring at the lost souls lining up at the small dinghy at the head of the river. The man directing the souls on board was wafer thin, one would even say skeletal.
Wafer thin? I?ll have to add that to my list of jokes next time I get the chance.
The man had a scythe in his hand, yet it was pointed at the magma below him. She concluded that it must be some hellish oar manufacturer?s idea of a joke.
I thought I had a terrible sense of humour, and I have almost no experience with mine.
He made a fluid, robotic motion and the crowd piled onto the dinghy in an instant, compacting into an awkward clump with limbs sticking out of it in random directions. Athena smacked her lips as she resisted the urge to run down there and chew on their souls. It was really hard; they looked so tasty?
?Axle, look out for our man. I have? things to do.?
And on that note, she charged towards the boat, teeth bared in frenzied expectation.
--------------------
Axle watched on as his mistress raced toward the dingy with almost superhuman speed. As she finally dived into the crowd, screams echoing in her direction, he heard a slight clink behind him.
Perfect.
?You know, I live to sneak. You can?t outwit a master.?
A cold, raspy voice echoed behind him. ?Master? Master? More like pet *****.?
Axle snorted, a smirk forming on his face. ?You can talk, brown-nosing with the Alpha Male!?
He twisted around to glance at a black suit of armour with red lining, hunched slightly as the slits of his helm stared into him, a black void that never blinked. The figure tilted his head to the side, as if to question something. Axle was happy to answer.
?I?ll bet you want me to tell you how I know all that??
The armoured man straightened his neck once more. ?I can tell you did your homework, you idiot. What I?m wondering is why you?re such a fucking tool.?
Axle clasped a hand to his chest, shaking his head and suppressing a chuckle. ?Is that the best you can come up with? Here I am, thinking I?m about to fight a vicious and deadly psychopath, and instead I?m having a lovely little chat with him! Come on, is this the best you can do??
The suit of armour stood still, a slight twitch barely visible on the sharpened fingertips of his gauntlets. Axle smirked; he now knew what made the man tick. He could use that to his advantage.
The suit merely stood still, staring into his eyes through the pitch-black slits. In a split second, he went from a statue-like stance to lunging at Axle, hands thrust toward his neck.
He?s attacking me, just like he has to everyone else that?s mocked the poor bastard. Fucking predictable.
Axle stepped to the side in a fluid motion as the armour flew past his body and crashed into the ground beside him.
?See what happens when you do your homework? I find that you can learn a lot from it, a lot more than the person that set it barg-? his words changed into gurgles as Evil lunged at him once more, this time achieving a swift arm lock around his neck.
?You think that you know me, you little shit. Well then, tell me my name.?
Axle tried to gasp as the air began to drain away from his lungs. Nothing came out of his mouth, just hoarse and unintelligible whimpers as his face began to lose its colour.
?Tell me my name, you little fuck. Tell me! TELL ME!?
--------------------
Athena licked her fingers, feeling satisfied with her latest meal. She was so used to bite-sized pieces; it was overwhelming for her to finally eat something decent.
Whahahaha?
A laugh, which echoed through the smoke that twirled and hovered around her as she stood up on the now-empty dinghy, echoed inside her head in a booming cacophony.
Strange, it seems like someone?s conversing telepathically. I hope the other person can hear them.
A strange feeling came over her, similar to the first time she laughed inside her new body. She felt? an urge. An impending will to eavesdrop on him.
I believe they call it ?curiosity?.
She shook her head; it was just another side effect. Nevertheless, she tuned into the mental frequency, sensing the direction from whence it came.
A snack for the road. How fitting, considering where we are?
On that thought, she crouched and bounded off into the smoke from whence she came.
--------------------
?TELL ME!?
Axle wasn?t too sure what was going on any more, all he could see were little pricks of light in the void and all he could hear was the quickly deafening voice of Evil. He knew he was losing consciousness, but after a short struggle he ceased to care. There was no air left in his lungs; he was about to die, about to fail the Great Shadow.
And there?s nothing I can do about it?
--------------------
Athena pushed through the steadily thickening ashes getting ever nearer to her prey. She began to see a shadow in the distance, a silhouette through the smoke. She was in awe over its size and shape; this was looking to be one hell of a mouthful.
You?re one big bastard, aren?t you? Well, more for me then!
And on that thought she leaped onto its shoulders, clinging onto its horns tightly as it began to buck and shake to loose her.
--------------------
Suddenly, the metal arm loosened on Axle?s neck and he collapsed to the ground, gulping for air. The air-deprived world around him was still black, but judging from the noise behind him he could tell that Evil was struggling.
What in hell is going on?
His vision, slowly but surely returning to him, began to show blurry images of the black metal man as he bent his body in ways he never deemed possible. The person on top of it, however, was holding on to its head firmly as they were flung in various directions, straddling his neck and raising one hand into the air.
?Yee-haw!? exclaimed a familiar female voice, smiling as she rode on the back of the beast. He smiled for the first time that day, knowing exactly who was playing rodeo with Evil.
As he regained control over his muscles, he slowly began to stand up. They had him on a leash now, all they needed was for him to deal the killing blow.
--------------------
Athena was beginning to lose grip on her prey; she knew she needed to do something fast. In a swift movement, she lunged forward as a last resort and bit down on Evil?s helmet.
Everyone paused for a second. Evil ceased his bucking and Axle halted his advance to stare quizzically as her teeth clamped down on the cold metal. She too was confused at this turn of events. Suddenly, she realised why noting was happening.
The armour, I can?t eat him with the armour on!
Evil finally gained control of the situation, reaching his hand up to pick the girl off his helmet and hold her in a vice grip.
?Thanks for the kisses, but now you have to burn.?
And in a fluid movement he threw her to the ground, the unconscious body sliding down the slope toward the lava below.
--------------------
Axle looked on, horrified as his goddess slipped through the ashes toward her doom. He resisted the urge to chase after her, however, for he knew from the armour?s enforcing stance that that was what it wanted him to do.
?What?s the matter? Aren?t you going to save your girlfriend??
He was too shocked to answer; all he could do was stare at Athena?s limp body as she slid out of view. He needed to find a way to get over there, find a way to get past the six foot tall figure that loomed over him. It stared at him once more, that helm with the black slits. They beckoned to him, dared him to come closer.
?I was wrong. You?re not a tool, you?re a handbag.?
Axle saw Evil?s game from a mile off; he was trying to taunt him, trying to get him to advance to his doom. There was only on thing he could do to ensure his survival, but it may be too late for the Great Shadow. All he could do now was buy time in the hope that she was to survive.
?Oh yeah? And what happened to your girlfriend? Remember how you killed her? Remember how you watched her die??
Another twitch. He smiled triumphantly.
?You destroyed everything you hold dear to you, just because your best friend turned out to like you in a different way. You destroyed him too. And then, you have the nerve to go and kill random people on the street just because you?re scared? I mean, we have a purpose for the blood we spill. You? You do it just because you?re another angsty teenager, filling our gutters with the grime and filth that you claim to clean!?
His entire gauntlet was shaking now, but this time he wasn?t sure whether the reason was due to uncontrollable rage or laughter. This man, this? thing, was unintelligible. Either he was getting to him, or falling into his trap.
?I?ve seen your file. I know all about you, what you did and how you did it. And I know that your motives are very similar to ours, although we are the only ones capable of it. Forfeit now, and you can redeem yourself.?
A chilling laugh echoed through the metal plates of his armour. ?You?ve stalled me long enough, and I?ve got a god to kill. Let?s just end this so I can get back to killing people worth my time.?
He began his advance, slowly at first, but as Axle began to step away his legs began to move faster. In only a matter of time, the landscape rang out with the thumps of the disciple?s feet and the clangs of his armoured pursuer. This battle was going downhill fast, and he knew it. What he needed was an idea?
The dinghy! If I can get him onto it, I can strand him in the lava!
Immediately, he took a sharp turn and raced into the smoke that shrouded before him like a wall. He hoped? wished that Evil would do the same. The ash began to blind him, he could not see anything beyond him, merely grey, black, and the familiar red glow of the lava that he was intent on reaching. To his relief, and yet also to his fear, metal thumps could be heard close behind him.
Come on? just a little closer?
Eventually he reached the dinghy, which to his annoyance appeared to be merely a silhouette against the smoke and lava that surrounded him. Knowing that he had little time to prepare, he found a scythe that lay nearby and began to hack the rope that held the boat and the wharf together.
The footsteps are getting closer. Three.
The rope was extremely sturdy; his scythe barely made a scratch on it.
The footsteps have turned into a tapping sound. He?s now on the end of the wharf. Two.
There was no way he was going to break the rope in time; it was no earthly material. He glanced at the scythe in his hand, and then back in the direction from whence he came. He could shoot the man now, but then there was no chance for Athena to devour him, should she still be alive somehow. Overriding his previous orders, he began to reach into his cloak, but he knew he wouldn?t pull it out in time. He eyed the scythe in his hand for a second, and knew that there was another way out.
I can see his silhouette now, he?s charging with all of his strength. One.
He swung his scythe high into the air, and sent it crashing down on the suit of armour.
--------------------
Ugh, this is uncomfortable.
Athena roused from her unconscious state, her back throbbing pain. She couldn?t see much because of the smoke, but from what she could gather she had been sliding down the slope into the lava, stopped only by a small boulder that jutted out of the ground. Easing herself out of her current position of discomfort, she sat up and began to sniff the air.
Most of the stuff I?m smelling is soot, but there?s something else in the air?
She frowned as she stood up and began to climb back up the slope.
?You didn?t invite me to the barbeque!?
--------------------
?Fuck.?
That was the only word that escaped Evil?s mouth as he attempted to dodge the descending blade of death. In a nerve-wracking clang, metal collided with metal, the blade slicing straight through the wrist of his right gauntlet. His hand skittered to Axle?s feet and cracked in half to reveal a pale, wiry hand. He stared at it for a second and then looked up at Evil, blood now gushing from what was once half of his arm.
?Balls. That was a good hand; it served me well during the hard times. Alas, such a relationship was never meant to last. It?s been a nice game of ring-around-the-rosy, but now you?ll have to roast just like that slut of yours.?
Axle backed slowly onto the dingy, his glances only proving how doomed he was. In every direction was lava, and a three-limbed knight obscured his only path out of it. Blood gushed out of Evil?s right arm, but he continued unfazed. He suddenly realised that he had never even managed to scratch Evil?s morale. The twitches? he was laughing at him the whole time.
The Great Shadow is dead, my vengeance has not succeeded, and I?m about to die. Everything I have done was futile. Everything?
He had given up. Everything was lost, he had nowhere to run, and his only purpose for existing was now deep-fried in molten rock.
?If it?s any consolation,? said Evil, ?you?re going to be the first person ever to literally burn in hell?.
Axle spread his arms wide as he stood on the edge of the dinghy, eyes unblinking as he stared at his impending doom.
I need a miracle. Something, anything?
As Evil clenched his lone fist in preparation for his final blow, a voice rang out. A male voice, one that made the metal man freeze in place.
I forgive you.
--------------------
The ash stung her eyes, the heat made her lose control of her senses, and she was breathing in mouthfuls of smoke every second. This irritated Athena more than she thought she was capable of; if there was anything she loathed after starvation, it was anything that inhibited her ability to smell.
That sorry excuse for a pre-packaged meal... where is he?
She trudged through the smoke, but her thoughts became cloudy as she realised that she was running out of air. More to the point, she didn?t know how long Axle could hold out for with her absence. After all, he wasn?t really champion.
More of a meat shield.
--------------------
I forgive you.
The voice echoed, seemingly endlessly. Axle stared unblinking at Evil who merely stood like a statue, heavy breath pouring through the slits of his helm. He stared directly at him as well, directly at where the sound was coming from. Axle reached in to his cloak and produced the radio that he had found in Purgatory which, sure enough, was the source of the voice.
Wait a minute, isn?t that friend of his dead?
And then it hit him. This was no ordinary radio at all. What was it then? Where did it come from? How and why did he come into possession of it? So many questions, so few answers. It didn?t help that his life expectancy was so short either, made even more so as Evil raised his helm to speak.
?Done showing off your walkie talkie yet?? The knightmare stepped forward once more to unleash his killing blow. ?I think you?ve stalled for long enough. Seriously, what did you hope to achieve? You thought that your girlfriend would come out of the grave to save your ass??
?More or less.? he said, smiling once more as he eyed a shadow looming behind Evil, who turned around to see Lady Athena, claws brandished, lunging at his disfigured arm and sinking her teeth into it. Inky, wispy blackness poured out of her mouth and into the armour, which subsequently began to seep back out through the cracks in his armour and the slits in his mask. All the while, Evil screamed until he was no more than an echo, a black void in a metal suit. After the shadows returned to her, the armour crashed to the ground. Evil was no more.
?Miss me?? she asked.
?More than you would imagine. Thank you for saving my life, Great Shadow.?
?Stop calling me that, you know my name is Athena. Besides, I have plenty more ways to dispose of you yet.?
Axle laughed worriedly, he knew all to well what perils lay before them. What beings lay out there just waiting for their moment to strike, with him all the while catching bullets for his self-professed god.
?Well, with that problem out of the way we can get on to the important stuff. Like that smorgasbord heading towards us!? she indicated towards a new batch of lost souls that wandered in through the smoke, which had cleared enough for him to see things from a distance again. Axle suddenly realised why the ash was there in the first place; to force the newly dead along a set path that lead to the wharf that the two were standing on. Athena, however, was not in the mood for such thought; she began to scream unintelligibly and charge towards them, much as she had done when they arrived.
You would have thought that someone would notice all these missing ghosts.
Alone once more, he examined the radio once more. Maybe, just maybe, he could get it to contact his parents so that he may finally meet them. He searched the device, concentrated in the hopes that it may be telepathic, but all that emanated from the speaker was static. Defeated, he pocketed the device once more.
I?ll have plenty of time to figure out how it works, given that I survive.
Sighing, he looked back at what remained of their opponent. The sheet white hand lay in a pool of blood, but the armour was gone.
I'm open to any feedback; it's what I write here for.
If Khedive is around, can he do the review he proposed? That would be great.
My apologise to everyone for slacking off slightly. Krunk, I'll have your review in a couple minutes after I get finished reading through your entry. Oh, and Dastardos, you're next.
My apologise to everyone for slacking off slightly. Krunk, I'll have your review in a couple minutes after I get finished reading through your entry. Oh, and Dastardos, you're next.
Given the slow pace this thread is trudging along with, would anyone here appreciate a post-death story for EJ? Full of jokes and epic and pyrotechnic displays and possibly the phrase 'Help me settle a bet'.
Your characterization was, for the most part, very nice. If there was one thing you did wrong character-wise it's that we didn't see much of Athena. The parts where she was narrating we're always much shorter than Evil or Axel's portions and they rarely had much to do with the actual fight. First she was eating a boatfull of souls and then she was trying to find Eviljoe and then for a little while she was wrangling him, but that's pretty much as close as she got to being an equal member of the fight.
She dealt the killing blow, that's true, but in context it feels like that comes out of nowhere. I would have liked to see a little more conflict and rising action between Eviljoe and Athena so that when Athena finally gets the upper hand theres a little more sense of dramatic climax. (if you were going for a surprise-ish ending you should try having a mundane or non-epic death just before the climax. As is, Evil gets killed closer to the dramatic resolution and so his death is less profound).
I had a good picture of Eviljoe in my head during your entry but you don't really describe Axel or Athena in much physical detail. I know what they're supposed to look like from your intro but you never want to assume the reader sees the same thing you see. You should always describe your characters.
Going off that point slightly, I wish you had made it slightly clearer how Athena eats souls. Is she still in her body while its happening? If so, describe the awkwardness or the feracity but let us know what we're supposed to picture. My mind just sort of simplified the matter and erased the body so she was a shadow snake eating souls. But then when you have her hanging on top of Evil it gets very ... confusing. I assumed you'd need a body to wrestle someone but I also had trouble picturing a normal lady trying to bite through the helmet of a gigantic suit of armor. My first thought was "I don't think her mouth would fit around that." My second thought was "That's what she said." on the whole though it did distract from the piece and I'd be careful about it in the future.
I would have liked to see a little more physical description of the landscape as well. It confused me that Athena could see the dinghy on the river but once she reached it there was fog all around her. I also imagined the environment as fairly flat and ... well Arizona-like honestly. Red sand, too hot, overcast sky, etc. So when Evil threw Athena and she started sliding downhill I was, again, quite confused. I had pictured the dinghy as alone on the shore of the river so when Evil and Axel got on the (I assume wooden, considering the sound of Eviljoe's footsteps changed once he reached it) wharf I was, again, confused.
They're all continuity issues. Not horrible mistakes but they do break the flow a little because I have to stop to reimagine the environment. In the future I would just describe the important things in a little more detail. The general rule of thumb is that, if you use it to accomplish something in the story, you should describe it pretty thoroughly toward the begining. So in this case it would be the cliffs, the soul eating, and the fog.
A little more explination as to how Axel knew everything about Evil's past would have been cool. At first I assumed his ability to travel into a shadow realm of sorts let him ... observe what had happened. But then you said he'd read a file and I was like "That's a lot simpler ... Wait. What file?" I didn't think that fighters were given much information about each other before matches so I couldn't imagine the people running the tournament providing you with Eviljoe's file. Apart from that though I couldn't figure out how he got them.
The radio. That's an incredably clever plot device you got there but in this story it almost feels tacked on. When the ominous voice announced "I forgive you." I was ready for some serious emotional development on Evil's part and serious plot advancement as a whole. Instead you have him take it really seriously at first and then play it off like he doesn't care. If it was meant purely as an unexplained distraction, then you still could have had Evil be distracted by it but killed by Athena (in an identical manner) before the audience gets to learn too much. As it is, it feels unnessacry, as all Evil does after hearing it is the same thing he would have done anyway.
You do revert to your old habit of chopping paragraphs into small peices in this, which is understandable because you have a lot of dialouge (which, by the way, the dialouge in this is simply beautiful. Very well done.). You clean it up toward the end and, as such, the ending comes off very smooth. I don't think it detracts all that much from the story in this entry but be sure to watch that in the future. It's important to have good meaty paragraphs, it keeps your small paragraphs punchy.
... Again, I feel like I'm giving the wrong impression with this review. I really liked the peice. It was witty, energetic, nicely paced, it had good dialouge, the interaction between Evil and Axel was believable but still quirky enough to be fun (it was basically an insult-off at times.), overall you did a very nice job. Two character teams are hard to write and (while Axel did carry most of the weight in this piece) you did a surprisingly good job for a first attempt. I'm very much looking forward to Axel and Athena's next fight and I'm confident you'll do well.
Your characterization was, for the most part, very nice. If there was one thing you did wrong character-wise it's that we didn't see much of Athena. The parts where she was narrating we're always much shorter than Evil or Axel's portions and they rarely had much to do with the actual fight. First she was eating a boatfull of souls and then she was trying to find Eviljoe and then for a little while she was wrangling him, but that's pretty much as close as she got to being an equal member of the fight.
True. I was aiming to give a glimpse of Athena's nature as incredibly impulsive, switching priorities spontaneously and not planning ahead before she acts in a sticky situation (which is going to be amplified by her absorbed Evil). As a result, I sort of did shove her into the sideline. I will definitely have to work on it.
Basically, when she sees a bunch of unguarded people and no strings attached, she's like a hyperactive child loosed upon a chocolate factory. In the final part, when she charged off I actually had her screaming 'FEEEEEAST!' as a reference to the (rather strange) Snickers ad.
She dealt the killing blow, that's true, but in context it feels like that comes out of nowhere. I would have liked to see a little more conflict and rising action between Eviljoe and Athena so that when Athena finally gets the upper hand theres a little more sense of dramatic climax. (if you were going for a surprise-ish ending you should try having a mundane or non-epic death just before the climax. As is, Evil gets killed closer to the dramatic resolution and so his death is less profound).
I had something along the lines of that, should I compete against Qayin. Sadly, it will never be so.
I had a good picture of Eviljoe in my head during your entry but you don't really describe Axel or Athena in much physical detail. I know what they're supposed to look like from your intro but you never want to assume the reader sees the same thing you see. You should always describe your characters.
I supposed that little flaw in my writing worked with The Lyre (because he shapeshifted, it was your imagination that defined his 'normal' shape), but I'll have to get my act together this time.
Going off that point slightly, I wish you had made it slightly clearer how Athena eats souls. Is she still in her body while its happening? If so, describe the awkwardness or the feracity but let us know what we're supposed to picture. My mind just sort of simplified the matter and erased the body so she was a shadow snake eating souls. But then when you have her hanging on top of Evil it gets very ... confusing. I assumed you'd need a body to wrestle someone but I also had trouble picturing a normal lady trying to bite through the helmet of a gigantic suit of armor. My first thought was "I don't think her mouth would fit around that." My second thought was "That's what she said." on the whole though it did distract from the piece and I'd be careful about it in the future.
Sorry about that, I explained it to Ultrajoe but no-one else. Basically, her tongue turns into a black snake and sort of slithers around the victim's body until it's engulfed, then shifts back into a tongue to reveal that nothing is left of the victim.
She wasn't biting, per se, but she was doing something that looked like it. All she needed was to get in contact with his skin, and in Ultrajoe's case it was impossible.
I would have liked to see a little more physical description of the landscape as well. It confused me that Athena could see the dinghy on the river but once she reached it there was fog all around her. I also imagined the environment as fairly flat and ... well Arizona-like honestly. Red sand, too hot, overcast sky, etc. So when Evil threw Athena and she started sliding downhill I was, again, quite confused. I had pictured the dinghy as alone on the shore of the river so when Evil and Axel got on the (I assume wooden, considering the sound of Eviljoe's footsteps changed once he reached it) wharf I was, again, confused.
Sorry again, I actually intended for the area t be crystal clear, but getting more and more hazy and smoky as time went by, at least until the next batch of lost souls showed up. I should have elaborated on that more.
Another thing I should have elaborated on was the area; my interpretation was more like the inside of a volcano, with a magma river flowing through a rocky valley that lead down to a wharf. I guess the Styx myth is dependent on the person...
A little more explination as to how Axel knew everything about Evil's past would have been cool. At first I assumed his ability to travel into a shadow realm of sorts let him ... observe what had happened. But then you said he'd read a file and I was like "That's a lot simpler ... Wait. What file?" I didn't think that fighters were given much information about each other before matches so I couldn't imagine the people running the tournament providing you with Eviljoe's file. Apart from that though I couldn't figure out how he got them.
Oh, my Purgatory post elaborated on that, with Axle spending the majority of his time there studying a document that Athena 'obtained' off a nearby angel. It had the names and lives of every contestant written on it.
The radio. That's an incredably clever plot device you got there but in this story it almost feels tacked on. When the ominous voice announced "I forgive you." I was ready for some serious emotional development on Evil's part and serious plot advancement as a whole. Instead you have him take it really seriously at first and then play it off like he doesn't care. If it was meant purely as an unexplained distraction, then you still could have had Evil be distracted by it but killed by Athena (in an identical manner) before the audience gets to learn too much. As it is, it feels unnessacry, as all Evil does after hearing it is the same thing he would have done anyway.
I'm disappointed as well. The original intention was to have it say I forgive you, , and a touching moment on the part of Evil as he takes off his helmet and looks solemnly at the ground. At that point, Axle sees a better side in him and gives him some respect, before Evil says 'Sorry, but the number you have called has been disconnected. is dead, and so are you.' Evil advances on him but is stopped by Athena, who bites into his neck and feasts on him. Ultrajoe, however, was not enthusiastic about using his name so early so I wrote it out and added in a scythe for good measure.
My main intention was to display its potential as a Chekhov's Gun, as well as begin Axle's character development throughout the competition. In this rewriting it was, sadly, useless. At least I hit Evil's true Evil on the head, so it ain't so bad.
Thank you for reviewing this Khedive, it is a great help for me and my writing. I will definitely take into account what you have said for my next entry. Anyone else want to criticize me?
At least I hit Evil's true Evil on the head, so it ain't so bad.
Thank you for reviewing this Khedive, it is a great help for me and my writing. I will definitely take into account what you have said for my next entry. Anyone else want to criticize me?
I have a few minor issues with Evil. Mostly because of the perspective change, admittedly, but that was always going to grate on my nerves ton an extent no matter who wrote him. I am glad you didn't use the name, by the way, it was fair game when we were competing but there's no need to use it when your victory was assured. So my thanks on that part.
I'm a little let down you went with the 'Evil's Past Upsets Him' plot, although I really should have bet on it being the main ammunition in anyones arsenal. But again, a peeve that any author is going to have when someone rustles up their child. My one true criticism is that you lost a lot of opportunity for drama and tension with a few lines of unexpected dialogue and some weird moments of action that tripped up your pace a little. Perhaps it's my love of godawful long stories, but I felt your writing didn't do your plot justice.
That said, I enjoyed it. So if the thread ever gets going again you have my best wishes for swift victory.
My one true criticism is that you lost a lot of opportunity for drama and tension with a few lines of unexpected dialogue and some weird moments of action that tripped up your pace a little. Perhaps it's my love of godawful long stories, but I felt your writing didn't do your plot justice.
Fair enough, I have a lot of ideas swimming in my head, but little skill or experience to implement them. That's why I'm here; to get better.
My entry's on Page 1 now, or at least a link to it. I tried to post my entry in there but it seems that the Escapist hates collectively long posts (it seems that my spoilers got intermingled with the 'report' button, so I reported myself).
Fuck me...Reality is kicking my ass at the moment. Vid20 and Ninjablu will advance.
I'll try to get the next round up soon, but don't hold me to any deadline.
It was an enjoyable read; but I felt Evil talked a little too much. Maybe its just personal opinion of how he should be captured, but you said yourself; most of his dialogue was internal so making him speak out loud would always be hard.
Also you could have made him a little crueler then you did, though I liked the chocking of the victim; it?s what I would have done too.
The writing was good, but as Khedive said it seemed that you didn't translate the ideas in your head as well as you could have. Never assume a reader knows anything about your story and you will avoid the possible mistake of leaving important things unsaid.
Also I actually felt the characterisation of Athena and Axel could have been a little bit better as well; and I still don?t understand this radio thing and the significance on it. It almost seems unfair to pull out some secret weapon but to not explain it (unless of course it?s purely cosmetic for your own character development)
You're right about my comment sounding a bit insulting from that view and I apologize, but please realize that I wasn't saying you sucked. What I meant was that you made some errors in that first entry and you were fortunate enough to get a second shot. (You may not agree with my complaint about Selene, but Vanguard didn't think it was right either, so something must have been off.)
As for the review length thing, I'm afraid you're just being unrealistic. Most people don't have the time, and maybe not even the incentive, to write a full-length review for every story. I was just trying to give one tiny tip in the right direction, and acting as if nothing at all would be better is just plain silly.
I'm a little let down you went with the 'Evil's Past Upsets Him' plot, although I really should have bet on it being the main ammunition in anyones arsenal.
But wasn't the idea that Evil was actually laughing the whole time? I took that to mean he was running his own inner monologue in response to everything Axel did, like he did in your stories. Only this time we couldn't see it. I guess Krunk will have to explain that.
Sorry is not going to cut it. No outro for her then. You could've just incapacitated her!
Nah, just kidding. No one should limit their writing because of something like that. Besides, she exploded in Hades. She could definitely be brought back to purgatory or whatever by higher powers. My biggest regret is that I created a character I liked, and fell short on the time I needed to portrait her. Like it has been said, anyone can win this if they spend enough energy on it.
That aside, I enjoyed your story a lot. It was not my intention for Lamia to be so crude and speak outright, compromising her existence, which is why I said she was to mainly implant suggestions into Rose's head. And on her note, she is nowhere as dumb as to lead someone to the judges of Hades when she is a majorly fucked up, evil demoness. But you told a good and entertaining story.
Unfortunately, I had no room for any of the ideas I wished to bring into work, but at least I posted something.
I'm a little let down you went with the 'Evil's Past Upsets Him' plot, although I really should have bet on it being the main ammunition in anyones arsenal.
But wasn't the idea that Evil was actually laughing the whole time? I took that to mean he was running his own inner monologue in response to everything Axel did, like he did in your stories. Only this time we couldn't see it. I guess Krunk will have to explain that.
It has 3 chapters, not individually huge; Parasite, Monstrosity, Hero
------
Act 3: Victory
Chapter 1: Parasite
-the cruelest fate is that of the pawn-
------
My first breath is one of agony. Unbearable, crushing suffering as I tumble into existence above my pool retreat, I... I can't feel my skin. The water hitting my raw skin is fire, pain beyond imagining as I learn to feel again in the harshest of ways. Oh... god... I can't move... My limbs, the light I haven't seen in months blinds my eyes, but I can feel the weakness of my arms and legs. I can feel the pain in my gut, hunger that has gone ignored for weeks upon weeks, I gulp down water I have been denied for impossibly long. I am too weak to pull myself to the shore, my limbs haven't got the muscle to pull myself out of the god damn water... it's a little funny.
I can feel the sores, on my bald head, from where my skin has been denied sunlight and air. It makes the slender hand that grabs the back of my neck more painful than the loss of my hand, returned to me in this mockery of afterlife. What... how... did she eat me? How did a scythe cut my skin? How did... who...
"First fight" Says the now harsh voice of Alpha, rolling me onto my back, and I can feel the dirt against my spine as it presses against my skin. I can feel water pooling between my almost exposed ribs. I suck down breath after breath but I can still see the blackness closing in on my eyes... I thought I was beyond hunger... beyond the need to eat... was I just beyond feeling it? "First fight" Alpha roared into my face, kicking me in the ribs, making them crack and split "First Fight! It would have only taken one, one victory, and I'd have done my job. How do you lose after one fight!? Huh!?" He stomps on my arm, and the fragile bones break in half. Is it bad that I can't feel it? Whaha. "How did you not see him holding that god damn weapon!? The second should have kept you from feeling any effects of your starvation for another week!"
What? I don't think you're allowed to watch my battles, Alpha, Whaha. I don't think you're allowed to dress like a bad 80's musi- wait... wait... you knew. "You knew" I repeat out loud, weakly, and it's my voice... my voice. I... I forgot my voice... that's a little... a little... little...
"Yes I knew, you worthless shit" Alpha spat, really. He did, right on my face. My actual face... I forgot my face, though it doesn't look like my face now... it looks like a corpses face. "Do you know how long it took to find a carrier?" He asks. Do you know i'm dying, Alpha? I get the feeling that when I die here I won't just pop back into existence again, that might be nice. Enough of your talk for one... I feel lightheaded. Haha, that's funny. Hey alpha, how much do you reckon' I weigh now? Just my head, specifically, it's for a bet. It's kind of funny that I can't make the words out loud. Wait, that's not funny, that's bad. That last bit was funny, though. Alpha, what're you saying, you fruit?"How long it took to make you a proxy!? Do you know how long it took to set you up in that fucking job, to put the remnant in your path?"
Hold the phone. Wait, no, go on. "Do you know how hard it was keeping you alive? Do you know how badly you seemed to want to die!?" He continues. I did want to die, I can't believe I forgot that... I forgot so much... I remember dying. That's what i'm doing now, Alpha, so hurry up... you were saying... saying... you made me find the...
Made me... made me... y-you made me what? You know who you sound like, Alpha? You sound like... like...
"No" I choke out, and though I didn't mean it the entire syllable is despair. He can't be. I beat him, I beat the voice, I was me. "I was me"
"You were who I made you be, Mr Knight" Alpha hissed, wandering away to watch me die. That's... that's a little funny. That's hilarious, that's the funniest thing I've ever heard. laughing hurts, it makes my eyes laugh water, it makes me laugh in a new way, in a wail of hurt and anger as it all makes a hilarious kind of sense. I forgot how to cry. Y-you made me forgot how to cry, you... you prick... you bastard. You motherfucking asshole. "All you needed to do was finish the second's mission, even the tiniest bit, and then you could die like a whore all you wanted" Alpha spat "One fight, that would have been enough. Do you know what they'll do to me for this? How long until there's another chance?"
I... I don't want to die. That's the big shock, the big one that makes me breath deep, which makes my ribs explode into pain again. I, I can feel pain, I can feel rage. I don't want to die... I want to kill. "You.. you killed her" I spit, another statement.
"Who?" The fuck asks, how can you forget!? I can... I can feel my limbs. I can feel my mind. I can feel my hate. "Say my name"
"What about it, Mr Knight?" Alpha sighs, fixing his tie and taking off his glasses.
"Say all of it!" I scream, the feeling of the words in my throat tearing at my unused vocal chords. "Say it! You murderous prick!"
"Knight!" He barks back, striding back to crouch beside my head "Jonathan Knight! The one-hit wonder who couldn't down a soul-whore and the dog she keeps!" He roars, gripping my neck. "Nothing but some Average Joe who couldn't find the rage in him even after I made him beat his own whore into the ground!". He takes a deep breath, looking up towards the sky. "How Ironic, that the end of da- *erk*" The worm chokes, as wafer-finger grip his throat.
He feels blood trickle from the tiny scratches under my fingers, as the tiniest points of black metal come into existence, crawling down my fingers. "I think I can find the rage, now, Alpha" I say. You made me forget my name, you made me kill them. You made me kill them all! Not them, not the police or the filth of the world! You broke me and set me loose as some fractured hound for whatever sick cause you had. You made me so fucked that I laughed. It's not. fucking. funny.
------
Alpha was tossed aside, smashing into a tree hard enough to send his glasses toppling away into the undergrowth. Behind him, Jonathan's face fixed into a mask of hate as black metal coiled around his pallid features, and furious dark gauntlets clenched in anticipation of vengeance. Vengeance, Alpha had made him lust for it, and now he was going to give him exactly what he wanted.
Alpha rolled over to face the monster. "Checkmate, Johnny" He said with a wink "And I'm glad we both got we wanted"
------
If you wanted death, you only had to ask, you slimy piece of shi- *NNNNGHH* I step forward, but it isn't me that moves. My foot moves forward, but my leg stays still. My skin moves, but I do not. With the feeling of having my skin and soul and spirit torn away, my skin walks off me like it was made of mercury.
Stan vs. Janet Pyke
Location: Earthly: CHERNOBYL
Well, almost. In this Earth, they never managed to build the concrete tomb. Radiation is everywhere; every breath makes you sputter, every step is a nightmare. At most, you can survive an hour within the complex, two if you manage to get out of it.
Rahk-Tal vs. Oliver
Location: Divine: OLYMPUS
Nymphs frolic, Zeus bones some unfortunate(?) muse...yeah, the pantheon ain't too pissed about getting shafted by Yahweh. The palace is still there, as are some rather lovely gardens. The gods themselves are out enjoying themselves on another plane of existence (the Plane of Incredibly Cheap Beer and Hookers With Low Standards), so trash the place to your heart's content.
"I Hear The Song Again, At Last" Said the empty armor, and with the sound of a great flame coming alive, a pair of crimson novas flashed into being in the darkness of the Helm. Armor groaned and creaked, no longer did it need to cling to the pathetic flesh of a host, no longer did it need the death and rage that the mortal inflicted. No longer was it trapped inside the darkness of his mind. Now Terror stood on it's own two feet, and it grew taller and more terrible with every passing second.
The Knight had fallen, in the first great bloodsport, felled unfairly by three foes when there should have been only one! He had drowned in rock made liquid, the heat making all but his arm into nothing but molten tears. He had fallen into pain and he could not hear the song. No more.
It reached out a massive black hand, fingers contorting above the ground as the sound of a metal finger on some demonic wineglass squealed out over purgatory, making even the other contestants in the main camp cover their ears to block out the sound. The sound of the birth of hatred, the sound of fury's first roar. With a massive cracking rumbling, the earth began to heave beneath the Knight's hand, turning red as the heat of whatever was forcing it's way upwards neared the surface. His had jerked, gripping at empty air, and hell provided something to fill it; His blade, Rhapsody, the gentle curves of the silver sword humming like an orchestra as the Knight stared lovingly at her form.
The Knight straightened, massive frame complete with the addition of the Songblade. War was complete again, the Second rider.
A little piece of the apocalypse, to herald in the dawn.
-------
W-what?
That's all I can think, all I can feel as I tumble weakly to the ground a second time, falling to my knees as wisps of steam curl off my skin, the flesh red and raw and searing from where the black form of my second skin had just... walked off me. T-this is what Alpha wanted, this is why he killed my life, drove me to madness, to bring back some nightmare barbarian?
"The Nightmare, Parasite" Says the Knight. Can he hear my mind!? "I Have Heard Nothing But Your Mind For Months, Creature, As I Fed Off Your Petty Rage And Killing, Even As You Denied My Song" It continued, holding his sword out straight so I'm staring down it's length into his red eyes. It's.... it's... awful phallic, really, a bit tasteless. "I Have Nothing But Your Horrendous Jokes!" It hissed, deep voice made a rumbling screech with the act. I... I don't think i'm actually capable of fear anymore, i've died twice now, and right now all I can feel is a whole lot of angry.
The Knight hesitates, what, did he think I wasn't going to be mad at being his free lift back to the land of the living? Did he thi- "Whh" it wheezes, moving back. Don't tell me it's choking to dea- "Whha"... Oh you have got to be fucking kidding me.
"WHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"
You know what? You can keep my damn laugh, I'm laughed out, right now I don't think I can muster a fucking chuckle. You think me wanting to take a swing at you is that fucking hilarious? why don't you go and burn in hell you sick some of a bit-
-------
The Knight pulled Rhapsody out of Jonathan's corpse, from where it had finally stopped after cleaving him in two from shoulder to stomach. There wasn't much blood, there wasn't much blood left in him after months of being kept alive by War and his own need for vengeance. The frail body simply fell backwards into the pool of water, the red mist spreading out from his body to stain the waters crimson. The stars reflected in it's surface were blotted out as the Knight turned to stare at Alpha, who was kneeling before him. "Get Up, Before I Force Your Head Into Your Torso In Place Of A Spine" It spat.
"We need to get you back to the earth, the third was killed in another tournament and with only the first and fourth on the planet we risk losing Armageddon entirely" Alpha said breathlessly, opening a portal to the mortal realm. "Go through" He urged, when the Knight hesitated, looking over to where the rest of the fighters were camped, shown as a faint flickering of lights in the distance... violence against the same kind of cowards that had bested him might sate a certain need for vengeance... "Hurry!" Alpha hissed, and the Knight fixed him with a baleful scare, before turning to run off into the night.
"No!" Alpha hissed, watching his charge sprinting towards battle and the chance of loss.
Behind him, the stars reflected off the pool of red, and began to shine.
Either the Knight and Vherran were both part of the Four Horsemen or this is something of your own concoction that I have no chance of guessing. Right?
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