the silly joke thread

[lacktheknack]

I'd tell you a penis joke, but it would be too long.

/trollface

Yeah, and I'd tell you the ceiling joke, but it'd probably be over your head

I'd tell you a good floor joke, but they're beneath me.

I'd tell you a vagina joke but you wouldn't get it.

How long are we betting before dead baby jokes turn up?

I'd tell you a dead baby joke but it stinks.

I'd tell you the pizza joke, but it's too cheesy.

I'd tell you a good wall joke, but you wouldn't get over it.

Also,

A BOY FELL IN MUD!
HE TOOK A BATH WITH BUBBLES!
Bubbles is the girl next door.

 

[Teoes]

How long are we betting before dead baby jokes turn up?

That'll be when the thread gets locked - it was the death of the last one I saw..


--
Patient: Doctor, Doctor: I'm a teepee! I'm a wigwam! I'm a teepee! I'm a wigwam! I'm a teepee! I'm a wigwam!
Doctor: Relax, man. You're two tense.
--
More a stupit Glasgow joke:

A patient walks into a Dentist's surgery and the Dentist directs her to sit in the chair.
Dentist: Comfy?
Patient: Govan.

 

[DaWaffledude]

An English person, a French person, a Spanish person and a German person walk into a bar to meet their mutual friend. The bar is packed, and so the friend isn't sure they've seen him. He stands up, waves his hand and asks "Hey! Can you guys see me?"

They reply "Yes! Oui! Si! Ja!"

 

[Giralin]

So a baby seal walked into a club

Two guys walked into a bar the third one ducked

 

[Aurora Firestorm]

A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender glares at him and says, "Hey, get out. We don't serve your kind here." The mushroom jumps up onto a bar stool and says "Why not? I'm a fun guy!"

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender hands him a beer and says, "Why the long face?"

Two ropes walk into a bar. "Hey, we don't serve ropes here," says the bartender, and throws them out. The first rope says he's going to try again, but the second one twists around and fluffs up his ends before following his friend.
The bartender chucks the first one out immediately, but then turns to the second and looks a little confused. "Hey. You're not one of those ropes, are you?"
"No sir," the second replies. "I'm a frayed knot."

 

[stormeris]

As she lay there dozing next to me a voice inside my head kept saying, "Relax, you are not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients." But another voice kept saying, "John, you are a veterinarian."

Q: What is better than winning a medal at the Paralympics?
A: Having legs.

Don't break anybody's heart - they have only one. Break their bones - they have 206.

 

[Barbas]

There was once a mighty African tribal chief who carved a path of conquest through the savanna, becoming well feared by all others for his martial prowess. After each victory over a rival tribe, he would take the throne of their chief as a prize and add it to the growing collection in his magnificent grass palace. After many years of war, the day finally came when he put his very last enemy to the sword and collected his elaborate throne. As he climbed the towering monument of victory to add his latest acquisition to the very top, however, he lost his balance and fell, starting a lethal avalanche of furniture that tragically crushed the proud chief and collapsed the palace around him.

The moral of our story is: "Those who live in grass houses should not stow thrones."

 

[Nigh Invulnerable]

What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?

Christopher Walken.



What's big, red, and bad for your teeth?

A brick.


Newsflash: Tragedy this weekend in Barcelona. As Santa was in process of his usual duties, Rudolph and company collided with a flock of migrating birds and then a trans-Atlantic flight en route to New York City. Witnesses say the reindeer in Spain was hit mainly by the plane.

 

[EHKOS]

I'd tell you a penis joke, but it would be too long.

/trollface

Yeah, and I'd tell you the ceiling joke, but it'd probably be over your head

I'd tell you a good floor joke, but they're beneath me.

I could tell you all a good joke about polio, but you would probably never get it.

...I felt myself die a little inside.

Also, for a source of awesome jokes: http://www.amazon.com/E-Mo2-Emo-Philips/dp/B00009WVF3

 

[DkLnBr]

I heard this one online a few months back:
What's the difference between a piano, tuna, and glue?

Spoiler

you can tune a piano, but you cant piano tuna!!!!

It was more clever than I had previously thought

 

[Little Woodsman]

What did the fish say after he slammed into a concrete wall?

Dam!

So a Lion, a Hawk and a Skunk were arguing about which of them was the safest from other predators.
The Lion said "I am the king of beasts! What other predator would dare challenge me?"
The Hawk said "I can simply fly away from anything that threatens me."
And the Skunk said "Come on guys, you know what I do when I'm threatened, no-one wants to smell that."
As they stood there arguing, suddenly a huge bear jumped out and devoured them all! Swallowed them all right down!
Hawk, Lion and Stinker.

 

[mitchell271]

One of my favourites is by Jimmy Carr, that mad bastard. Keep in mind that this is quite possibly the most offensive joke of all time. To the worldly Escapists, understand that it's an Aussie pub joke.

Spoiler: Click here! It's bad...

How do you get a gay to fuck a woman?
Shit in her ****.

How do you get rid of 100 Kg of fat that holds you back?
Divorce her.

How many guitarists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
As many as are around. 1 to screw in the lightbulb, and the rest to complain about how they could've done it faster, cleaner and with a less squeaky tone.

What's the difference between a lead guitarist and the IRA?
You can reason with the IRA.

Finally, I know it's not historically correct but, I like it.

What were Margaret Thatcher's last words?
I don't know, I was focusing on smothering that ***** with a pillow.

 

[Diddy_Mao]

This is my favorite joke ever.



A Buddhist monk is visiting New york goes. One day he decides to take in some of the local color and approaches a hot dog vendor.

The vendor asks "Hey buddy what can I make ya?".

The Monk replies "Make me one with everything."




Ba-dump-tsh!

 

[Keneth]

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To prove the the possum that it could be done.

Did you hear about the guy who's entire left side as cut off?
He's alright now.

What about the guy who got an eyeball transplant from a rooster?
He's been cockeyed ever since.

The guy who invented the Hokey-Pokey died recently and they had a hell of a time getting his body in the casket.
They'd put his left leg in...

And you all asked for horrible dead baby jokes?

Spoiler: I warned ya.

What's Pink and wiggles in the corner?
A baby in a freezer bag.

What's blue and lies motionless in the corner?
The same baby an hour later.

What's green and lies motionless in the corner?
The same baby a week later.

What's the difference between a truck full of dead babies or bowling balls?
You can't unload the bowling balls with a pitchfork.

I'm a bad person, and I feel bad.

 

[Caiphus]

Uuuuuh...

What do you do if you come across a native in the jungle?

Spoiler

Wipe it off and apologise.

What's blue and smells like red paint?

Spoiler

Blue paint

So I went to a public bathroom. It turns out there were only two cubicles. The first one was occupied, so I took the one further away.
I unzip and sit down. From the stall next to me, I hear
"G'day mate, how are you today?"
I didn't want to be rude, so I replied "Not too bad thanks."
"What are you up to?" he says.
I pause for a second "Not much, just taking a quick shit. How about you?"
Then he says "Sorry mate, I'll have to call you back. Some asshole in the next cubicle is answering everything I say."



I have a few ones that are worse than that, but I think they'd be even further away from a PG-13 rating. Might not risk them unless this thread takes off.

 

[Bertylicious]

A pregnant couple go to the doctor for a routine checkup. Afterwards the doctor sits down with them and tells them he has some bad news.

"Oh my gosh" says the mother, "is it serious?"

"No! Not at all, it's nothing serious." the doctor assures them. "All it is is that we've performed a screening of the amniotic fluid and the results that the fetus is going to be a bit German."

The couple look at each other, recrimination in their eyes. "Oh no!" Said the doctor, "the child is definetely yours. It's just something that can happen from time to time."

So the months pass and the baby is born, a boy, and everything seems to be going well but the boy never speaks. The parents are worried but he seems to be learning normally and the doctors confirm that his hearing is perfectly healthy. He enters into boyhood proper, around 6 years old, and aside from the lederhosen, pudding bowl haircut and stony silence he is indistinguisable from any other child.

One day his father is running late for work and frantically trying to get his son ready for school and lets the boy's porrige go cold before serving it.

The boy takes one mouthful, frowns, and says "Farter, this porrige is cold! This is unacceptable!"

The father's coffee mug shatters on the floor and he stairs at his son, agape. "You... you spoke!"

"Of course!"

"But... why now? Why haven't you said anything till now?"

"Up till now everything has been satisfactory!"

 

[blaqknoise]

What do you get when you mix salmon and Nutella?

Salmonella!

 

[Jux]

How many tickles does it take to make a squid laugh?

Ten-tickles.