Before I begin the review proper, I'd like to take a moment and look at the previews. Usually, for me, these simply whet my appetite to enjoy the movie I'm about to see, and give me ideas of what I'd like to see in the future. The previews I saw here made me want to throw up a little bit of my popcorn.
The Smurfs: I won't belabor this point (Movie Bob dealt with it nicely), but I will say this: if Quetzalcoatl is out there reading this; if the world really is gonna end in 2012 anyway, could you move that up like a year and let our species die out with a little dignity, rather than releasing this crap, then dying?
Megamind: This is an interesting specimen, at least. It feels a bit like the people at Dreamworks, realizing that Shrek has completely run out of anything resembling quality, decided to do the same treatment to the superhero genre. They, of course, do so conveniently forgetting that a send-up of superhero tropes and cliches was already done terribly (in Superhero Movie), and superbly (in The Incredibles). I do wonder why they would want to invite direct comparison between one of their movies and a Pixar movie, but I guess they wanted to dispel once and for all any myth that they play in anything close to the same league
[image height=250]http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/03/Megamind-Dreamworksface.jpg[/IMG]
We're gonna do a send up of superhero movies, 'cause that's never been done before
Alpha & Omega: Jesus. Just... Jesus. It's a furry romantic comedy. I'm not sure how much of it is directly geared toward people who find anthropomorphic animals sexy, but it seems like a lot of it. Hayden Panettiere (who really should be getting better roles than this) as the attractive (with distinctly human eyes, hair, and what looks like breasts, I swear to god) "alpha" wolf Kate; and Justin Long as the geeky, nerdy "omega" Humphrey. The plot is the bog standard "unpopular boy in love with girl so far out of his league it's simply depressing, who's given the opportunity to prove to himself (or others) his worth and get the girl after realizing (or forcing others to realize) he's awesome", only done in fur. In fact, since they're misusing the word "alpha" to mean "the popular kids", this is just as much John Hughes as anything Hughes himself actually made. Though, it is interesting to think about the two different versions of the "prove yourself/deed of daring do": the one that's the main character proving himself to himself (I'm good enough, damn it), and the one that's proving himself to others (wow, he's pretty awesome, it turns out). There's an interesting discussion about locus of control, but that's for another part of the forum.
[image height=250]http://tekfond.com/curiosity/wp-content/uploads/2010/06/alpha_and_omega01.jpg[/IMG]
I can't find a better picture, and I'm too scared to turn off the image filters
All done? Awesome. Let's talk about a terrible movie.
First, I want to give credit to two actors who are the only good parts of the movie. Nicholas Cage gives another (albeit weaker) performance as "a batshit crazy badass" in the same vein as Big Daddy from Kick-Ass, and one gets the impression that not only does he recognize his particular talents for seeming both crazy and competent simultaneously, but his growing displeasure and consternation with the idiocy of the main character makes him the most relatable character in the movie.
[image height=250]http://www3.pictures.fp.zimbio.com/Nicolas+Cage+Filming+Sorcerer+Apprentice+New+0R5wKyO4M-bl.jpg[/IMG]
The closest thing to Harry Dresden I'm ever likely to see up on the big screen
Credit must also go to Teresa Palmer as Becky (the love interest), who looks a bit like I assume Kristin Stewart would if she didn't always look a little bit drunk or high. She manages to make the chemistry between her and the godawful male lead feel pretty natural, and gives the same sense of bewildered "what the hell is wrong with this guy" I'm pretty sure most of the audience felt. Both actors were, of course, hamstrung by the terrible writing, but they did as well as was possible under the circumstances
[image height=250]http://www3.pictures.fp.zimbio.com/Teresa+Palmer+Set+Sorcerer+Apprentice+New+19ZFnThYfPTl.jpg[/IMG]
She was good. And actually ends up being pretty heroic, which was nice
The plot is the prototypical hero's journey/coming of age story: guy isn't having much fun in his life and is kind of a loser (we get to spend a good long while cringing at his social idiocy), turns out that he's important to the fate of the world, he goes through a training montage, learns he has value, and eventually realizes his own awesome power, beats the evil, gets the girl.
If you've seen Sixteen Candles, throw in some magic, and you've got the idea.
So, what made the movie make me want to gargle a revolver? Let's talk about the main character
[image height=250]http://images.contactmusic.com/newsimages/jay_baruchel_1138264.jpg[/IMG]
God damn he was annoying
First, and foremost, is the fact that they made him as geeky, awkward, and (frankly) useless as they possibly could. Balthazar's (Cage) growing exasperation with Dave (Baruchel) mirrored my own nicely. I understand that part of the hero's journey in this case is to begin as some level of worthless and whiny, and that the greater the extent of that uselessness, the more "awesome" the inevitable moment when he takes a level in badass is, but it's like they decided to distill every single social maladjustment from every single awkward nerdy character ever, and throw them into some sort of uber-geek.
There are some good lines to be had from it ("were you stalking me?"; "not in a threatening way"), but it really grated on me.
Part two of "things that made me want to strangle a screenwriter" was the godawful "science". It's like whoever was writing Dave's character went on youtube, saw a Tesla coil for the first time, and decided it was the most awesome thing in the history of awesome things. Not only is Dave apparently an expert on it (and kind of a physics genius, apparently), but his big "project" for graduation from NYU (a decent school, mind) is basically the construction of big honking Tesla coils, and a Faraday cage. Even that wouldn't bother me so much without the big romantic moment between Dave and Becky being inside said Faraday cage (for those who don't know, it's kind of like a lightning rod, but a big metal cage you stand inside), while his coils use their plasma discharge to play music. This is treated as a big goddamned deal, and Dave explains that he'd never thought of it prior to Becky's inspiration; either he's a colossal moron, or a lying,manipulative, bastard.
I even get blowing a lot of special effects on making the lightning from the coils more impressive, since a real demonstration is more awesome to people who actually know what the hell they're looking at. Other errors in physics and electricity are abound (by putting various rings on a metal staff, the staff somehow becomes more conductive... Yeah), but I won't waste too much more time on this.
How do you plan to fly this to France without dying?
The magic was really the big part of what made me want to find the people who perpetuated this monstrosity, and hurt them. Balthazar explains at one point that the magic works through various physical and chemical elements (they make fire by willing molecules to vibrate more rapidly), but none of it either makes a damn lick of sense, nor is kept consistent throughout the movie. I'm not going to harp here, since it makes me sound petulant, but if you're only going to half-ass an explanation for your magic, why explain it at all? If the "plasma bolts" are actually electrical energy from the nervous system concentrated and launched, how does it manage to act a bit like telekinesis, and a bit like bringing inanimate objects to life? If fire is made by exciting the particles in a given area, how does someone launch a torrent of fire from her hands, and how in the hell does someone block it? How do the shields work?
[image height=250]http://image.com.com/gamespot/images/2009/152/960568_20090602_790screen015.jpg[/IMG]
Ease down, deep breaths
I'd usually wrap things up with some balancing comments, and I will say that there were legitimately humorous moments. Those moments were bookended by awful (simply awful) choices in direction and writing. And the ending was perhaps worst of all. They couldn't seem to decide on whether to go with a theme of "true love finds a way" or "he only got the girl because he manned up", and so didn't really resolve whether she liked him the whole time, or only grew to like him once he proved himself capable and less-socially-retarded
If you feel like seeing a decent summer action movie with a formulaic plot and various degrees of mysticism, just go see the Prince of Persia.
The Smurfs: I won't belabor this point (Movie Bob dealt with it nicely), but I will say this: if Quetzalcoatl is out there reading this; if the world really is gonna end in 2012 anyway, could you move that up like a year and let our species die out with a little dignity, rather than releasing this crap, then dying?
Megamind: This is an interesting specimen, at least. It feels a bit like the people at Dreamworks, realizing that Shrek has completely run out of anything resembling quality, decided to do the same treatment to the superhero genre. They, of course, do so conveniently forgetting that a send-up of superhero tropes and cliches was already done terribly (in Superhero Movie), and superbly (in The Incredibles). I do wonder why they would want to invite direct comparison between one of their movies and a Pixar movie, but I guess they wanted to dispel once and for all any myth that they play in anything close to the same league
[image height=250]http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/03/Megamind-Dreamworksface.jpg[/IMG]
We're gonna do a send up of superhero movies, 'cause that's never been done before
Alpha & Omega: Jesus. Just... Jesus. It's a furry romantic comedy. I'm not sure how much of it is directly geared toward people who find anthropomorphic animals sexy, but it seems like a lot of it. Hayden Panettiere (who really should be getting better roles than this) as the attractive (with distinctly human eyes, hair, and what looks like breasts, I swear to god) "alpha" wolf Kate; and Justin Long as the geeky, nerdy "omega" Humphrey. The plot is the bog standard "unpopular boy in love with girl so far out of his league it's simply depressing, who's given the opportunity to prove to himself (or others) his worth and get the girl after realizing (or forcing others to realize) he's awesome", only done in fur. In fact, since they're misusing the word "alpha" to mean "the popular kids", this is just as much John Hughes as anything Hughes himself actually made. Though, it is interesting to think about the two different versions of the "prove yourself/deed of daring do": the one that's the main character proving himself to himself (I'm good enough, damn it), and the one that's proving himself to others (wow, he's pretty awesome, it turns out). There's an interesting discussion about locus of control, but that's for another part of the forum.
[image height=250]http://tekfond.com/curiosity/wp-content/uploads/2010/06/alpha_and_omega01.jpg[/IMG]
I can't find a better picture, and I'm too scared to turn off the image filters
All done? Awesome. Let's talk about a terrible movie.
First, I want to give credit to two actors who are the only good parts of the movie. Nicholas Cage gives another (albeit weaker) performance as "a batshit crazy badass" in the same vein as Big Daddy from Kick-Ass, and one gets the impression that not only does he recognize his particular talents for seeming both crazy and competent simultaneously, but his growing displeasure and consternation with the idiocy of the main character makes him the most relatable character in the movie.
[image height=250]http://www3.pictures.fp.zimbio.com/Nicolas+Cage+Filming+Sorcerer+Apprentice+New+0R5wKyO4M-bl.jpg[/IMG]
The closest thing to Harry Dresden I'm ever likely to see up on the big screen
Credit must also go to Teresa Palmer as Becky (the love interest), who looks a bit like I assume Kristin Stewart would if she didn't always look a little bit drunk or high. She manages to make the chemistry between her and the godawful male lead feel pretty natural, and gives the same sense of bewildered "what the hell is wrong with this guy" I'm pretty sure most of the audience felt. Both actors were, of course, hamstrung by the terrible writing, but they did as well as was possible under the circumstances
[image height=250]http://www3.pictures.fp.zimbio.com/Teresa+Palmer+Set+Sorcerer+Apprentice+New+19ZFnThYfPTl.jpg[/IMG]
She was good. And actually ends up being pretty heroic, which was nice
The plot is the prototypical hero's journey/coming of age story: guy isn't having much fun in his life and is kind of a loser (we get to spend a good long while cringing at his social idiocy), turns out that he's important to the fate of the world, he goes through a training montage, learns he has value, and eventually realizes his own awesome power, beats the evil, gets the girl.
If you've seen Sixteen Candles, throw in some magic, and you've got the idea.
So, what made the movie make me want to gargle a revolver? Let's talk about the main character
[image height=250]http://images.contactmusic.com/newsimages/jay_baruchel_1138264.jpg[/IMG]
God damn he was annoying
First, and foremost, is the fact that they made him as geeky, awkward, and (frankly) useless as they possibly could. Balthazar's (Cage) growing exasperation with Dave (Baruchel) mirrored my own nicely. I understand that part of the hero's journey in this case is to begin as some level of worthless and whiny, and that the greater the extent of that uselessness, the more "awesome" the inevitable moment when he takes a level in badass is, but it's like they decided to distill every single social maladjustment from every single awkward nerdy character ever, and throw them into some sort of uber-geek.
There are some good lines to be had from it ("were you stalking me?"; "not in a threatening way"), but it really grated on me.
Part two of "things that made me want to strangle a screenwriter" was the godawful "science". It's like whoever was writing Dave's character went on youtube, saw a Tesla coil for the first time, and decided it was the most awesome thing in the history of awesome things. Not only is Dave apparently an expert on it (and kind of a physics genius, apparently), but his big "project" for graduation from NYU (a decent school, mind) is basically the construction of big honking Tesla coils, and a Faraday cage. Even that wouldn't bother me so much without the big romantic moment between Dave and Becky being inside said Faraday cage (for those who don't know, it's kind of like a lightning rod, but a big metal cage you stand inside), while his coils use their plasma discharge to play music. This is treated as a big goddamned deal, and Dave explains that he'd never thought of it prior to Becky's inspiration; either he's a colossal moron, or a lying,manipulative, bastard.
They've been on Youtube for a long time now
I even get blowing a lot of special effects on making the lightning from the coils more impressive, since a real demonstration is more awesome to people who actually know what the hell they're looking at. Other errors in physics and electricity are abound (by putting various rings on a metal staff, the staff somehow becomes more conductive... Yeah), but I won't waste too much more time on this.
How do you plan to fly this to France without dying?
The magic was really the big part of what made me want to find the people who perpetuated this monstrosity, and hurt them. Balthazar explains at one point that the magic works through various physical and chemical elements (they make fire by willing molecules to vibrate more rapidly), but none of it either makes a damn lick of sense, nor is kept consistent throughout the movie. I'm not going to harp here, since it makes me sound petulant, but if you're only going to half-ass an explanation for your magic, why explain it at all? If the "plasma bolts" are actually electrical energy from the nervous system concentrated and launched, how does it manage to act a bit like telekinesis, and a bit like bringing inanimate objects to life? If fire is made by exciting the particles in a given area, how does someone launch a torrent of fire from her hands, and how in the hell does someone block it? How do the shields work?
[image height=250]http://image.com.com/gamespot/images/2009/152/960568_20090602_790screen015.jpg[/IMG]
Ease down, deep breaths
I'd usually wrap things up with some balancing comments, and I will say that there were legitimately humorous moments. Those moments were bookended by awful (simply awful) choices in direction and writing. And the ending was perhaps worst of all. They couldn't seem to decide on whether to go with a theme of "true love finds a way" or "he only got the girl because he manned up", and so didn't really resolve whether she liked him the whole time, or only grew to like him once he proved himself capable and less-socially-retarded
If you feel like seeing a decent summer action movie with a formulaic plot and various degrees of mysticism, just go see the Prince of Persia.
