The Story Time Thread

[cojo965]

Wow, yesterday gave me a story for you guys. My dad found a snake in the back yard and got me out of my room to see it. When I finally got out and saw it, I found a fantastic example of what TVTropes calls an <a href=http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/AchievementsInIgnorance>Achievement in Ignorance. See my dad isn't particularly bright, but he reached a new low here. Here is a life lesson for you guys, if you find a snake around your place of residence but are only vaguely certain you know what it is, DO NOT FUCKING PICK IT UP!! I am not kidding, my dad picked this thing up thinking it was a harmless Corn Snake and had continued to do so for several minutes while he got me. Pop quiz: I have owned a Corn Snake in the past, so I know what they should look like, do these two snakes look similar, like, AT ALL?

Spoiler

Spoiler

Image two is of one of Florida's nastier snakes, the Dusky Pygmy Rattlesnake. Yes, I got out and had to tell my dad to put down the fucking Rattler. Immediately after putting it down though we had to capture it again because we don't want a highly venomous snake right next to the backdoor. In the chaos of trying to get it to "escape" into a bucket my dad had to contain it properly this time, the Rattlesnake took a snap at me, close enough to feel its head touch my finger. The situation finally resolved itself with my dad nudging it with his bucket, causing the snake to make another run for it, but I was ready. I grabbed the snake by the lower body, lifting it up, and dropping it in dad's bucket. I shortly afterwards took it over to the nearby forest across the street and driveway (which is a good distance away from the house. I found a new respect for Steve Irwin that day.

So what stories do you have to share?

 

[MeatMachine]

So what stories do you have to share?

When I was in the hospital for a few weeks, one of my friends made the courteous and well-intended decision to try to sneak me a fleshlight in a "get well soon" present. He got caught, and tried to tell the doctor that it was a vital medical supply for a skin graft procedure.

I was hospitalized because I was diagnosed as a type-1 diabetic, not as a burn victim.

The fleshlight wasn't considered contraband in the first place, so he didn't need to sneak it in.

...and he didn't think to include a bottle of lubricant.

I have a hard time figuring out if my friends are more weird or more stupid.

 

[Queen Michael]

I actually needed to explain to my grandma that the reason you didn't see any gay couples around when she was young was because homosexuality was both illegal and hated back then. It was not a lack of gay people.

 

[bliebblob]

Sure why not, I've got a good one.

So I'm sitting in the library, working on my thesis like a good boy. When this guy who I'd estimate to be at least 35 shows up with his own laptop and requests I clear some workspace for him. Kinda awkward, what with the library tables being about the size of a postcard, but I figure he's got as much of a right to work there as I do so fine I guess... Like a dolt I also assume that all other tables throughout the library must be taken, or he wouldn't be asking in the first place.

If only I'd checked...

Then, as soon as he's all set up, he whips out this DVD from the library's film section and casually declares:

"Don't mind me, I'm just getting a quick copy of this one. Been looking for it for a while, and taking it home first is such a hassle."

Spoiler: My face when.

My face when.

Though in the end I was passive enough to only voice one, namely: "And telling me this seems like a good idea to you?" His answer basically boiled down to: "... Sure?" And that was that.

Or so I thought...

A few minutes later his laptop's disc drive suddenly starts making this obnoxious grating sound. Surprised, he reads out the accompanying error message and asks me what it means. Turns out I'm his assistant now. The message itself was convoluted, but it seemed to allude to some form of copy protection. Another notion he apparently never heard of, along with torrents, subtlety and the concept of shame.

Spoiler: My face when.

My face when.

ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?! It's bad enough I'm having to sit here taking notes on my thigh because you can't be arsed to take this somewhere private, now you need me to do it for you?!

I tactically claimed to have no idea either.

For any other human being, this would likely have been the point of conceding their daring heist wasn't going too well and that it's time for an orderly retreat. Nope. Not this man. Because what he lacks in smarts and planning, he makes up for in raw entrepreneurial spirit! Translation: for the next 3 hours he tried over and over, tested the DVD in several of the library's own computers, and even got more discs from the film section, just to make sure the issue wasn't with the film itself. All the while the library personnel being like: "Finding everything okay sir? All righty then!"

Spoiler: And me being like:

And me being like:

Eventually I decided I'd had about enough of banging knees with him, let alone his laptop's pleas for the sweet release of death, so I decided to report him to the front desk. The lady's face alone was worth it, but unfortunately that's all I got out of it. She did say she'd ask the head librarian's thoughts on the practice, but seeing how not the slightest obstacle was put in my new friend's way from then until he eventually left on his own, we can only assume this illustrious chieftain didn't particularly give a hoot.

A disappointing ending, I know. If only he'd stayed long enough for me to finish the post in which I would have asked this very forum how to get rid of him. it was going to be titled "Dear internet, let's be mean." And it was going to be glorious. So as a consolation price, have a cherry on top: the film he was going through all this trouble for? This cinematic masterpiece ostensibly so illusive it warranted the most complex and flawlessly executed sting operation of our time?

It was transformers 2.

You've been a wonderful audience, thank you and good night!

 

[Auron225]

Gather round kids, this is how I needlessly endangered my life for inadequate reasons...

So I was in China about 4 years ago (only 19 at the time), and I wanted to go visit a friend across the country. I'm talking a 2-3 hour flight, and the airport (in Guangzhou) was an hour bus ride away. Somehow I managed to leave the house and get to the bus stop WITHOUT my passport, and only realised moments before the bus pulled out to leave. I had to get the next bus an hour later (running back at high speed to get my passport in between), but this of course meant that I had less time to get from the bus station in Guangzhou to the airport. I should have had 2 hours - now I only had one. Perhaps it bears mentioning that I had never even been to Guangzhou and had no idea how best to get to the airport.

An acquaintance of mine who had decided to come with (and who totally abandoned me for the first ideal bus), had opted to take the subway once he reached Guangzhou. We were keeping in touch via text and he reported that the subway was so slow, he was doubting whether or not HE would make to the airport in time, which made it guaranteed failure if I tried it. I decided to go for a taxi when I arrived.

I jumped off the bus in Guangzhou, prepared with my English-Chinese dictionary, with the words "airport", "taxi" and "fast". I showed it to a group of bus station employees on their break, hoping they would direct me to the nearest taxi stand, y'know, for official taxis. They talked amongst themselves briefly, then named a price of 200 yuan (about £20, very expensive for a taxi in China). Clearly they sensed my desperation, and I was desperate so I agreed. Irrational thinking led me to conclude that some of them were also taxi drivers, and when I handed over the money, two of them waved me over to their car.

Their own car. Not a taxi.

And I got in.

Only when (in the back seat of their car) we were pulling out onto the road did I realise; "These guys could totally mug me right now and I'd be defenceless. They could take all my money and leave me stranded in a foreign city, beat me beyond recognition or take me under a bridge and murder me outright, and nobody would know until it's way too late". I was absolutely petrified at what I'd done. I was on alert the entire ride, ready to respond to whatever happened, but I tried not to dwell on what they could do to me. I just focused on whether or not I'd get to the airport in time.

Thankfully they did not kill or beat or mug me, and although it was ridiculously close, I got the the check-in with 10 minutes to spare. The funny thing is; I beat my acquaintance who only arrived with 2 minutes to spare Also never forgetting my passport ever again for as long as I shall live.

 

[Barbas]

Here's one from a friend.

Three soldiers are in a branch of Nando's. One of them has announced that he's been paid recently, so this is all on him. They finish a lovely slap-up meal and get slightly drunk, to the mild annoyance of the staff. Just after they ask for the bill, their illustrious host divulges the secret to his fellow diners that, in fact, he hasn't actually been paid yet, so he has no money on him. The three quickly hatch a daring plan to escape paying for the meal: one will slip away to "get some money out at the cash machine", another will go to the restrooms and try to climb out a window, and the third will run for the door while the manager is distracted. So while one goes off "to get some cash out", another slips into the restrooms (being followed by the suspicious manager) and discovers to his shock that the room has no windows. What it does have, however, is a ceiling constructed of those soft grey ceiling tiles.

The third man in the Nando's realizes that as his friends have left, he is now alone and up the creek, with no options left. Hastily scrabbling up onto one of the sinks, then a cubicle wall, our hero worms his way into the ceiling space. After considerable struggling and some occasional headway, he eventually bumps into what feels like brickwork. Still flying high on danger and thinking he's now made it close enough to the door to stealthy exfiltrate, he breaks through the tiling underfoot and drops.

The staff and other diners, no doubt in a state of bewilderment at this point over what presumably sounds like several cats fighting in the ceiling, scream in shock at the sight of a man plummeting through the ceiling and smashing into the roof of the salad bar, showering everyone nearby with fragments of glass, plaster, onions and croutons. Regaining some of his wits, our hero stares about in panic and loudly exclaims to the room, "Oh no! My time machine's broken!"

At least, that's what was told to the judge, who was "in hysterics". He did have to pay for the meal in the end. Harsh.