The Yorkshireman Gathering

[000Ronald]

Y'know, I really don't expect this thread to last long, but it should be fun while it does last.

Have you ever seen the Monty Python skit Four Yorkshiremen [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=13JK5kChbRw]? Just in case you haven't, click on the link.

Basically, you top whatever the person before you says, either by a little or by a lot. For example...

Back when I was a kid, we didn't have TV. We worked all day in cornfields, praying for a good harvest.

Yeah, that's pretty rough. When I was a kid, my parents were killed right in front of me. It was rather traumatic.

Only I'm not going to make it that easy.

Since Eric Idle was the last topper, you'll have to top him. Take it away, Eric m'boy!

Right.

Back when I was a lad, we used to live in this tiny old, tumble-down house with great big holes in the roof...well when I say house, it was just a hole in the ground covered with a sheet of tarapur, but it was a house to us.

I used to have to get up in the morning at ten o'clock at night, half an hour before I went to bed, eat a lump of cold poison, work twenty-nine hours down at mill and pay mill owner for permission to come to work and when we got home, our dad would kill us and dance about on our graves, singing "Hallelujah"

Thank you.

So...yeah. Apologies if this seems a confusing premise at best.

 

[figment of mind]

I'll try my hand at this....

Oh,you think you had it bad old boy, well then.

Back when i was barely higher than a grasshopper, My family, all 200 of us, had to live in a small bag of manure. That was our house and we hated it, but at least it was a house.

Back then i had to get up at 5:00 pm, ten hours before i was allowed to go to sleep, eat the poison sacks of some scorpions, Go to the iron mill, and work for Thirty-six hours all the while crushing my hand in between to large bars of iron every five seconds. Then i had to run home just in time to nearly get stoned to death by my dad befor he pushed me into the middle of the street and watching as i got hit and killed by cars, while the rest of my family laughing and pointing.

 

[Vivaldi]

Back in MY day, I used to live in an old teapot with me mum, me pop, me brother and me 54 sisters.

We'd wake up every day at the crack o' dawn, 6 hours before we went to bed, with a bucket of freezing cold water and ice dumped all over us by a groundskeeper who swore at us all the live long day.

I'd go down to town and pay 1 pence to sweep chimmneys for 18 hours a day.

Then when we'd come home, out day would beat us with a rusty flashlight upside the head till we fell asleep.


(I LOVE that skit by the way)

 

[dekkarax]

I would 'ave killed for a bag of manure to sleep in.
We used to sleep in a car crusher; and I'd get up at 1am to go down and work at the chlorine processing plant, and I couldn't afford a gas mask, oh no; I'd work for 65 hours a day and get paid tuppence every six months, which at the end of the day I'd have for m'tea and I'd have go to sleep at 12:59 am.

 

[Combined]

Huh! Well, when I was young, our family of 74 Welsh men and 65 English women and 203 children lived in a small television case that was in an alleyway off the corner of Poor St. and Whittling Cold st.

We'd wake up at 2 O' clock in the morning, an hour before we was going to sleep, we'd clean the top of the Tv case with a flea and a rusty nail, then we took showers in a drain basket that our neighbours, The Gob-Spitters, used. We'd then go up a street made out of crushed glass to the town, where we worked as paper cutters for 73 hours for 1/3d of a pence every bloody year and we'd have to pay for the privilege of cutting that paper with teeth, that then bled for days.

Then we'd come home where we'd fall asleep as our fathers pistol-whipped us in bed.

 

[Revenent]

You were lucky to have that 1/3d of a pence! Back when I was a lad, me and my 515 brothers and sisters lived in half of a ball of yarn at the bottom of a storm drain. We'd wake up at nine, twenty hours before we went to sleep, and paid a doctor ten pence a day to donate our muscle tissue for two hundred and fifty hours straight! All we had to eat all day were our own rotted toenails and we went to bed with our dad pouring candle wax on us!

 

[I am Spy]

I find this thread offensive. All you Americans and southerners thinking you had it hard when I used to have to live in a fireplace. And not one of those fancy fireplaces with gas and fake coal. A real one with coal and fire. There was twenty eight of us living in that fireplace. And I had to sleep at the bottom. We couldn't go out to work because we were stuck in the fireplace, so we had no money and the old lady who owned the fireplace was always too bloody cold.

 

[Higurashi]

A FIREPLACE? Sounds warm and cosy, dontcha think, you brat!? I used to live on a glacier with nothing but mammoths to keep me company, and a loincloth to wear over my shrivelled honour. And by company I mean they stomped me, crushing every one of my bones every night just when I was about to go to my bed of ice from a whole day of fighting walruses, losing and getting impaled 700 times a day by their tusks, MINIMUM. Then the mammoths would eat me and shit me out the next morning.

On the plus side, I'm real good at reassembling myself. They don't teach that to the kids at school nowadays, I tells ya!

 

[The_root_of_all_evil]

Mammoths? Luxury.

We used to have to get up in the middle of the Cretazoic Era, build a time machine whilst battling off dinosaurs, jump forward in time to pay the mill owner for our great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great grand children to have wages, travel back in time to disassemble it before we caused a rip in the time-space continuum, and then wipe it completely from our minds before we went to sleep, in case of t' paradox. Not that we got much sleep with those dinosaurs.

 

[Nivag the Owl]

You guys are pretty much in heaven.

When I was a kid we had no house. We had to stay in other people's basments at the price of one of our limbs a night which would also be used as our food. We had to pass a limb to someone else in the family and you had to eat it infront of the person who gave it to you. I remember most of the time, they would get rabid dogs to gnaw at the limb until it was seperate but on other nights they were just pulled constantly. If they couldn't be seperated we'd have to just eat it on the persons body.

As for a job, we had to have our legs cut off and two swords stabbed up both stubs then walk around the town with kids kicking us and throwing chainsaws at us. We got paid in the rotting flesh of our ancestors that we had to make beds out of.

 

[The_root_of_all_evil]

Of course, we had it hard.

We had to write the jokes for Family Guy.

 

[Khedive Rex]

Always whining you youth are! "Oh, I was paid with maggoty ancestor flesh on an irregular basis and engaged in self-mutilation and canabalism nightly before tea and crumpets! Oh woe is me!" Sod off you pansy! At least you had a corporeal form to mutilate and digest!

Me and my family of 40, composed of 18 irritating little sisters, 18 violent older brothers, 3 crocodiles and a saturnalian orca whale lived in the space behind the left ear of a schizophrenic S.C.U.B.A. diver with acne, dandruff, the black plauge and ginger hair. Every four days we'd wake up, torment him for 8 days straight (192 tiresome hours!) by drowning ourselves and throwing our bloated corpses into his ear canal. He'd get water in his ear and what would we get? What would we get? NOTHING! NO ONE EVER LOVED ME!!

I ate only what microsopic protozoa I could siphon from beating my family members wrinkled corpses until they spat water like a fountain! And whatever protozoans I caught had to be shared with the whole family! Have you ever tried to split a microscopic one-celled organism forty ways while your 18 little sisters cry to raise all hell?! Usually you don't do it right! And when I did it wrong they made me run 200 metaphysical laps around the Atlantic Ocean.

On top of all that, none of us was real! We was a figment of this bloody ginger's imagination! You youngin's. You have it easy these days. At least all of you are corporeal.

 

[Johnn Johnston]

You bloody posh bastard. We would pray at night that we could even begin to dream of a life like that!

We 'ad to live in the hollowed-out corpse of a dormouse hanging from t' second-to-top floor of t' 'Daily Mirror' building. All thirty-three of us! Each morning, we 'ad to fight t' mites and fleas for food, and we would routinely 'ave our legs broken by me pap as thanks. And that's if we was successful! If we lost, pap would throw us from t' dormouse and we'd 'ave to climb our way back up the side of t' building. It's not easy, having to scale your way up thirty-eight floors of sub-standard journalism!

Just to get enough money to keep t' dormouse with a fresh supply of air, we 'ad to dance for a penny a fortnight on t' streets of t' city. Unlike all of you, we 'ad to work 'ard! We would sleep for an hour every seventeen months, and even then we'd 'ave to keep dancing for the money. If we wasn't earnin' that one penny, we'd 'ave to 'old our breath for t' next two weeks, at best! T' food we'd 'ave to eat would be t' simplest food - none of your fancy luxuries. We'd 'ave to eat t' dirt from t' rainwater that collected in our shoes, and the only thing we'd 'ave to go with it would be t' salt from our tears! To drink, we dinnae have even t' rainwater! We needed to harvest that for eleven hours a night to get t' food, and by then t' rainwater had drained through the bottom of t' dormouse! To drink, we'd 'ave to drink t' condensed exhaust fumes from t' traffic below - and when there was no traffic, we'd 'ave to beg people to spit on us so we could drink that!

Bloody freeloaders. But, it was a simpler time, and we were all the 'appier for it.

 

[000Ronald]

We were evicted from our hollowed out corpse of a doomouse. We had to go live in the rear half of a hollowed out corpse of a cockroach.

 

[GenHellspawn]

At least your cockroach corpse was hollowed out!

 

[Combined]

Bah! You and your corpses.

Right after we comes home from work, we get tossed out of the telly box, along with the 324 new children, out into the street. Then we got beaten by this charming policemen, who put all of us in a mouse cage, put that cage on top of a log and tossed us in the river, where we floated or five days with no food or water, just the shoes that we ate.

So, after those five days, we sank in a lake, got eaten by a fish, then were spat out onto shore, where we made a little hole of dirt and covered it with the few millimeters of cloth we had between us, if we exclude the underwear. Then we made a trek back to the city. For 60 days we neither ate, nor slept, nor change our undergarments (And that was unheard of for, at the time!). Finally, on the 61st day we went back into our town. We found that we had no job, no home, and we got beaten by the police again. So we moved into a public toilet drain. We then got jobs as flea millers and we had to make fleas into flour all day. We would be payed 1/965th of a shilling for each flea that we turn into 1 kg of flea flour. When we got home from working our 89 hour job, we'd be forced to eat 1 square millimeter poof our shoes for supper. Then the police would come and beat us up for the rest of the day, until it was time for sleep. When we went to sleep, our dad shot us dead, buried us in the doorway and then waited until the following morning to retrieve our frozen corpses. Then we'd be revived and we'd go to work again. Only, every day they decreased our wages by 900% and our work day was prolonged by 10 hours. And then we were evicted into the crushed remains of a poisonous spider.

You lazy-arses. You had it easy.