I don't know if you've heard of skippyslist.com, but it's a compilation of things he can't do in the Army anymore. Very worth reading. And, as with Skippy's List, all of this I either did, was told spontaneously I could not do, happened to someone else, or was a clarification of something else. Anyway, here goes
Grocery Store List
1. Not allowed to go home on the basis that I have caught Pig AIDS
2. Not allowed to call in sick with "Jungle Fever."
3. Not allowed to call in sick with "Gay Jungle Fever"
4. Not allowed to threaten suicide with Diet Coke and Mentos
5. Not allowed to rectify my errors through the only honorable path, seppuku.
6. Not allowed to mime seppuku to explain what it is.
7. Not allowed to kill myself on company time.
8. Not allowed to hurt people who keep poking me.
9. Not allowed to sell my body while on the company's payroll.
10. My soul is not of equal value to the Watchmen poster our video department can't use due to the film being pulled from our shelves.
11. May not challenge coworkers to mortal combat over a Watchmen poster.
12. Or rock, paper, scissors.
13. My soul cannot be sold on more than one occasion.
14. My supervisor has no use for my soul.
15. Not allowed to wear a name tag that reads "Tyler Durden."
16. Especially for 6 months.
17. My managers doesn't like when mystery shoppers leave comments about "Tyler Durden's" service
18. Not allowed to engage in a sexual congress in the store's restroom. (Not me, it happened before I was hired)
19. Even if I'm on break.
20. Not allowed to go into detail about my plan for killing everyone in the store in under 2 minutes.
21. Not allowed to request a Hazmat suit when cleaning restrooms.
22. Not allowed to stand at the edge of the parking lot with a supervisor and two other clerks to watch the police standoff across the street.
23. Not allowed ride carts around the parking lot.
24. Not allowed to ride carts in the store.
25. Not allowed to pimp out the scooters reserved for the elderly and handicapped.
26. It's frowned upon to say "Man the harpoons" when a morbidly obese person walks by.
27. Not allowed to combine a 300 quote and a wet floor sign.
28. Not allowed to draw the aquila on the shift schedule while I watch self check-out.
29. Not allowed to write "Why so serious?" on anything in the store.
30. Not allowed to bash Twilight.
31. Not allowed to decry Twilight vampires as "whiny gay emo kids."
32. Not allowed to go into detail about how Twilght vampires could be better
33. My supervisor is not interested in my opinions on vampires in general
34. Not allowed to prepare a plan for when the zombies come.
35. "Shoving the fat people out to buy us time" is not a valid contingency plan.
36. Not allowed to paintball the store's sign. (Again, not me)
37. Not allowed to ignore company policies I find to be beneath me.
38. Not allowed to kill stupid people.
39. Just because I have suffered longer, I cannot make new people suffer more.
40. Not allowed to force the guy I'm training to scrub the grout with a toothbrush.
41. Even if he took so long to clean the restroom I ended up staying late.
42. Not allowed to leave the new guy to finish the roadsign that shows our sales. Especially when he can't spell.
43. My manager does not want to come in at 7 a.m. to see "BOSTON PORK BUTT" spelled "B0T N POK3R BUTT."
44. Not allowed to edit last weeks sale of "SEEDLESS GRAPES" to "SEE LESS RAPES"
45. Not allowed to pull rank when I have none.
46. Not allowed to describe what I've seen on the internet.
47. May not recruit coworkers for the Navy.
48. Not allowed to sneak up on people when the power goes out.
49. Not allowed to do my Batman impreesion while I'm behid someone. Ever.
50. Not allowed to plan out how I will burn down the store.
51. Not allowed to answer the phone with "Operation Thunderclaw is green. Charlie Team, you have your orders, prepare for Contigency Plan Foxtrot, Theater-Wide Thermonuclear warfare. Godspeed."
52. Not allowed to repeat the above when they call back, changing Charlie to Delta.
53. Not allowed to make peaople think self check-out has crashed.
Feel free to post your own, just keep it true.
Grocery Store List
1. Not allowed to go home on the basis that I have caught Pig AIDS
2. Not allowed to call in sick with "Jungle Fever."
3. Not allowed to call in sick with "Gay Jungle Fever"
4. Not allowed to threaten suicide with Diet Coke and Mentos
5. Not allowed to rectify my errors through the only honorable path, seppuku.
6. Not allowed to mime seppuku to explain what it is.
7. Not allowed to kill myself on company time.
8. Not allowed to hurt people who keep poking me.
9. Not allowed to sell my body while on the company's payroll.
10. My soul is not of equal value to the Watchmen poster our video department can't use due to the film being pulled from our shelves.
11. May not challenge coworkers to mortal combat over a Watchmen poster.
12. Or rock, paper, scissors.
13. My soul cannot be sold on more than one occasion.
14. My supervisor has no use for my soul.
15. Not allowed to wear a name tag that reads "Tyler Durden."
16. Especially for 6 months.
17. My managers doesn't like when mystery shoppers leave comments about "Tyler Durden's" service
18. Not allowed to engage in a sexual congress in the store's restroom. (Not me, it happened before I was hired)
19. Even if I'm on break.
20. Not allowed to go into detail about my plan for killing everyone in the store in under 2 minutes.
21. Not allowed to request a Hazmat suit when cleaning restrooms.
22. Not allowed to stand at the edge of the parking lot with a supervisor and two other clerks to watch the police standoff across the street.
23. Not allowed ride carts around the parking lot.
24. Not allowed to ride carts in the store.
25. Not allowed to pimp out the scooters reserved for the elderly and handicapped.
26. It's frowned upon to say "Man the harpoons" when a morbidly obese person walks by.
27. Not allowed to combine a 300 quote and a wet floor sign.
28. Not allowed to draw the aquila on the shift schedule while I watch self check-out.
29. Not allowed to write "Why so serious?" on anything in the store.
30. Not allowed to bash Twilight.
31. Not allowed to decry Twilight vampires as "whiny gay emo kids."
32. Not allowed to go into detail about how Twilght vampires could be better
33. My supervisor is not interested in my opinions on vampires in general
34. Not allowed to prepare a plan for when the zombies come.
35. "Shoving the fat people out to buy us time" is not a valid contingency plan.
36. Not allowed to paintball the store's sign. (Again, not me)
37. Not allowed to ignore company policies I find to be beneath me.
38. Not allowed to kill stupid people.
39. Just because I have suffered longer, I cannot make new people suffer more.
40. Not allowed to force the guy I'm training to scrub the grout with a toothbrush.
41. Even if he took so long to clean the restroom I ended up staying late.
42. Not allowed to leave the new guy to finish the roadsign that shows our sales. Especially when he can't spell.
43. My manager does not want to come in at 7 a.m. to see "BOSTON PORK BUTT" spelled "B0T N POK3R BUTT."
44. Not allowed to edit last weeks sale of "SEEDLESS GRAPES" to "SEE LESS RAPES"
45. Not allowed to pull rank when I have none.
46. Not allowed to describe what I've seen on the internet.
47. May not recruit coworkers for the Navy.
48. Not allowed to sneak up on people when the power goes out.
49. Not allowed to do my Batman impreesion while I'm behid someone. Ever.
50. Not allowed to plan out how I will burn down the store.
51. Not allowed to answer the phone with "Operation Thunderclaw is green. Charlie Team, you have your orders, prepare for Contigency Plan Foxtrot, Theater-Wide Thermonuclear warfare. Godspeed."
52. Not allowed to repeat the above when they call back, changing Charlie to Delta.
53. Not allowed to make peaople think self check-out has crashed.
Feel free to post your own, just keep it true.