This is not a relationshit thread

[2wuss4realaccount]

So uh. Hey guys. Sorry for the wall of text in advance.

For the past few months I've been feeling kinda shitty. Like, I want to kill myself shitty. So I guess "kinda" is an underestimation.

See, I dunno what the fuck is wrong with me. I spent a good part of my childhood and teens crippled with illness, too sick to work or go to school. I didn't really have any friends, and I guess I still don't. Friends of siblings, friends of my mother, all very amiable but not really friends of mine, you know? I was pretty miserable then, but suicide never crossed my mind.

Last year or so, however, I had enough and took a bunch of amitriptyline. If I didn't have a monster fucking heart, I would have died. No doubt about it. After a few therapy sessions I managed to convince my doctors I wasn't going to do it again and I was sent on my way. I always thought my lack of a life or a future was what made me miserable, so I resolved to take a stand and make something of myself.

Recently I've finally found an opportunity to start doing something with my life. In a school near me, there are these part-time adult education courses that, if I do well enough, might get me into full-time education learning to be a social worker. I've been doing that since September. I should be ecstatic, right?

Except I'm not. Instead of being delighted, I'm just as miserable as ever, if not more so. I can't do any of the work, even though I can quite plainly see it's fucking easy. Some part of my brain keeps telling me I can't fucking do this, I'm too stupid and worthless, I should just fucking give up. And I want to. I really, really want to.

I've been contemplating suicide again. The only thing stopping me at this point is the fact that my cripple-benefit is all that's keeping the family off the street, but I'm slowly caring less and less about that. I've stopped caring about hygeine and physical appearance, I don't really leave bed except to do homework and go to class and sometimes I can't even muster the give-a-fuck to do that. I can't remember the last time I ate, I think it was a few days ago. My life isn't particularily bad, I don't really HAVE anything to be sad about. I just am, and it sucks.

In the process of writing all that I've forgotten what the question was. I think it was something like "hurr am i depress guys" but I fucking hate that word and yeah, it's pretty fucking obvious. I guess maybe what should I do about it? How do I fix the part of my brain telling me to give up? Both good choices, I suppose.

Also possibly how do I find the motivation to keep going. Because I have absolutely zilch right now.

captcha: the pubati
OR MAYBE THAT'S THE PROBLEM THANKS CAPTCHA

 

[Slash Dementia]

We're on the same boat, I guess--kind of.

About the schoolwork effort, I think you that if you just get through the first few semesters you'll get to some more difficult ones. Or you can do what I did. I found out that computer science isn't for me, so I changed to English. Just keep working at it, and if it's not what you like, maybe it's just not right for you. Try different courses if you can. What else interests you besides social work?

I can't comment about the suicide because I don't know what to do about myself either. One moment I'm okay, the next I'm surrounded with the thought--and it's almost random. And what stopped me a few times was that my father is pretty dependent on that "cripple-benefit" of mine.

My girlfriend told me to simply find a goal--anything--and work towards it. I've never really had a goal, but I want to be an English teacher (English teacher with really bad social anxiety). I want to get my drivers license and a job. I want to write and I want to read, and I want to spend way more time with this amazing woman. That's a goal enough for me.

I've went through years and years of being alone. It's so hard to think of a goal when there's no support to give you a few extra pushes. Just think about yourself and try to avoid that much negativity because it won't do you any good and it won't motivate you.

Eat, too, and try exercising. Read a book, watch a movie. Relax yourself and try making a friend or two in class because it helps.

If you ever need someone to hear you out, message me and I'll get back to you. Things will get better if you try to make them better.

 

[2wuss4realaccount]

Sorry for the late responses, had to have a hospital trip. Nothing to worry about, routine stuff.

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You're right. You're both absolutely right. It's just kind of hard.

Of course, anything worth doing will be hard. I haven't had a goal or reason to do anything since I was very young. Getting out of bed in the morning is a goal in and of itself. I don't really WANT anything, you see. I haven't for a very long time.

You know what I'm waiting for right now? I'm waiting for my sister to finish college so I'm no longer obligated to stick around. I've planned it out. I'm gonna walk to the cliff near me and take a bunch of pills, so even if I hesitate I'm fucked either way. This is my goal. This is my dream. This is all I want.

Listen, I'm gonna be seeing a therapist in a few days. Not my choice, I kinda feel I'll be wasting his time. I realise how churlish I'm sounding right now, but I figured I should at least let you guys know I read and paid attention.

Thanks for your words. They DID make me think.

 

[Ando85]

I've contemplated suicide before for many of the same reasons, so I guess I do know a little of what it is like. Of course I can't know exactly how you feel. No one really can except yourself. I notice the cliche statement "It gets better" is bullshit. For some people things just get worse.

I've always thought of suicide as a last resort and sort of a sick comfort. No matter how shitty things are in life it is always an option. That way I don't ever feel like I need to do it right away.

You do however only have one life and suicide would be throwing away a lot of potential....even if you think your life has no value right now. Also many think of suicide as a relief from pain. But, you can't feel that relief, because you will be dead.

I'm not going to pump you with too many cliches and inspirational statements, but there are a few simple things that can help. Sunlight and exercise can boost your mood and allow you to focus, which will make the adult school more feasible. I know when I'm ultra depressed to the point that I can't get out of bed, doing something like that is difficult. Sometimes you just have to force yourself.

I don't know your stance on psychiatric medication. A lot of people just thinks it makes them a mindless zombie. This isn't true. I take an SSRI (Wellbutrin) and although subtle it actually does help. Ever since I started taking it suicide hardly ever even crossed my mind. It isn't a quick fix though, but it does take the edge off.

Also, it helps a bit to come forward and tell someone close to you how you feel, if you have not. A lot of people avoid this because they are a bit embarrassed and feel like it makes them look weak. But, if the person is a true friend they will support you. If some people react negatively or call you weak for contemplating suicide there really is nothing to lose. You will realize people like that aren't really true friends. Avoid people that bring you down, and surround yourself with people who bring you up.

 

[Galletea]

I take it someone else organised the therapist for you? If you don't want to go, then it's unlikely to help you. You admit to having a problem, but you don't want to go and fix it?
Have you told anyone exactly how bad you're feeling?

Your feelings will have an effect on those around you. They're most likely already worried about you and scared that you're going to try something again. If you think for a second they'll be better off without you then you would be very wrong. But you know all that. I don't need to tell you how selfish suicide is, or how pointless it would be, I'm 100% certain you know already.

The thing is that you have to want to get better. If therapy doesn't work for you then you could ask and see if medication would help you. Most doctors will keep at it until they find something that would work.

I would suggest scheduling your life and forcing yourself to stick to it. Try it for a couple of weeks, putting exercise and things that you usually would enjoy doing into your days. Keeping yourself busy will help, but you have to force yourself to stick to it, or you will just lie about in a depressed lethargy. A therapist or doctor might well suggest this anyway, as well as eating healthily to get more energy to do more stuff...it's all cyclical.

I doubt I'm telling you anything new, everyone I've ever known in a similar situation knows exactly what they need to do, they just need the push to go do it. Take the initiative, you know you can, and I'm certain you can, and I don't even know you.
[small]although that seems a bit cheesy now I read it back. Good luck though.[/small]