This is not the usual romantic thread.

[The Man With the Soap]

I recently got out of a bad relationship. (She was bipolar and a compulsive liar.) I finally got sick of the whole damn thing and told her I just wanted to be friends. My past relationships have all ended with me being cheated on (five).

These experiences have made me realize something: I have grown to hate women in a romantic sense. I am distrustful, and I always suspect sinister motives when I find out a woman has feelings for me. I don't hate all women (female friends are fine, and I trust them), just the ones that have romantic feelings for me.

So, I have decided to once again take up my former policy of actively avoiding relationships. Now, we get to the real problem. The world seems to be determined not to let me live this way. My ex calls me constantly begging me to take her back. One of the "popular" girls that I was forced to be lab partners with has taken a liking to me. A girl I used to know back in middle school has gotten a hold of my number, and texts me constantly confessing her long-time feelings for me. And finally, I have heard through the grape vine that one of my best friends has feelings for me as well.

My question is thus, how do I tell these women no without completely alienating them (the "popular" lab partner I don't really care about so much, but the others I would like to let down easily)? None of these girls will take no for an answer! Also, how can I repel girls in a romantic sense?

 

[Tautology]

There isn't much in the way of an easy way with women. Just tell them all the truth and risk alienating them if they really won't let up. That's the best thing to do, I guess. Honesty and all that.

As for repelling women, I wouldn't know, but I'm obviously doing something right. Make yourself unattractive maybe? Unapproachable?

It's probably impossible to repel all women. So just go the truth route there too. When a woman shows interest in you, simply tell her that you're not interested in a relationship. Should she persist, repeat yourself until she relents. That's about the easiest way there is.

I'm sorry if you find me of little help. Honestly, women are something I don't really have much, if any, experience with. Let us just say that I too have come to find them more than a bit untrustworthy.

Whatever you do, I wish you luck.

 

[SiskoBlue]

Wow, lab partners? I'm guessing you are under 25? When did this ex get diagnosed with bipolar. All teenagers are bipolar, it's called hormones. I swear, the medical and psychiatrist professions have got a lot of "labelling" to answer for.

Also, 5 relationships? That sounds like a lot. Plus 3 girls chasing you? Maybe more?

Wow! I'd just put this all into perspective. You're young, the time to do things is when you're young. The time to date lots of people is when you're young. In about 5-10 years you'll wonder what have the drama was about but that's what it's like when you're under 25. Everything is serious, everything is dramatic, everything seems really important, if not to you then to the people around you.

Then one day you struggle to recall even a single name from school or even what you studied.

If you want to stop these women then don't avoid relationships. For some stupid reason the one thing women that age (and older) can't get enough of is somebody who doesn't want them. They'll do anything to get some validation. Personally I hate it and think it's the stupidest thing to do, and really quite selfish. I'd suggest you say to them "Yeah, I'm really interested, but not in a relationship, I have trust issues, but casual sex is fine as I have all these other women chasing me". They might think your a jerk but it lets them down easy, and here's the kicker. It doesn't matter what you do, if any of these women are generally interested and you DON'T date them, then they'll find reasons to think you're a jerk anyway. Something that both genders do fairly consistently.

Plus if you avoid relationships you'll never get over your trust issues. I'd also start to pick friends based on loyalty. All of this just sounds like One Tree Hill/Dawson's creek/everything single teen drama you've ever seen.

 

[370999]

Wow, I would love to have girls chasing me. Anyways it is fairly easy to put people down gently and you should do this if someone if expressing interest in you and you don't reciprocate.

Something along the lines of "I flattered but I'm not interested in going out with you" usually does the trick. If someone can't take no for an answer then it is a problem. Keep reiterating that you are not interested in a relationship pleasently but firmly. Make sure that you keep this up and people should move on.

As for repeling girls, why? I am fairly confident that most individuals will accept "no" and move on to greener pastures. Also you may change your mind so it's best no to have yourself as a social pariah. Of course you could put on loads of weight, not wash and never get a job but I wouldn't reccomend that.

 

[The Man With the Soap]

There isn't much in the way of an easy way with women. Just tell them all the truth and risk alienating them if they really won't let up. That's the best thing to do, I guess. Honesty and all that.

As for repelling women, I wouldn't know, but I'm obviously doing something right. Make yourself unattractive maybe? Unapproachable?

It's probably impossible to repel all women. So just go the truth route there too. When a woman shows interest in you, simply tell her that you're not interested in a relationship. Should she persist, repeat yourself until she relents. That's about the easiest way there is.

I'm sorry if you find me of little help. Honestly, women are something I don't really have much, if any, experience with. Let us just say that I too have come to find them more than a bit untrustworthy.

Whatever you do, I wish you luck.

Thank you for the suggestions.

Finally - romantic advice I'm actually good at. While I'm not exactly experienced at purging the emotions associated with romance out of my head, I am an expert at repelling women. It requires a certain type of mindset, and once you're experienced at it, you can do it without any effort at all.

I would suggest that an easy way to repel women is to be obnoxious and rude, but this might, depending on your personality, be a difficult thing to accomplish over a long period of time, as well as potentially creating problems further down the line when it comes to working with these women. You could try turning it down a bit, being curt and unpersonable instead of out-and-out rude, which takes some effort, but which might be seen as a bizarre sort of self-confidence rather than being unpersonable.

The best way, however, requires a certain shift in personality. It requires you to act timid around women, as if their presence makes you feel uncomfortable. When you are in a circumstance which involves conversation, speak enthusiastically about a somewhat obscure subject which you're sure she isn't interested in. My favourites, this being made easier because I actually am enthusiastic about these subjects, are cars, motor racing, computer games, obsolete and obscure computer systems and militaria; other useful subjects include trainspotting, planespotting, science-fiction literature, et cetera, et cetera. Punctuate your conversations with awkward silences; as they probably don't know much of the details of what you're talking about, let alone be willing to engage in conversation about it, this serves to make the conversation even more awkward. This will work particularly well with your lab partner; she's in a situation where she can't easily escape the conversation.

The fact is that if you do this correctly, you can make female friends this way without having any problems with romance. I've done it several times; the problem is to know your limits and not to let it get too creepy. (Example: Within the subject of militaria, knowledge of the flight capacities of aircraft is a reasonably safe topic; knowing the capacities of nuclear weapons is not.) Your "enthusiasm" - remove the inverted commas if you actually are enthused by these subjects - should ideally manifest itself as a type of confidence in itself, which contrasts with the timidity shown at first towards the women. As such, you get the best of both worlds - you look like you know something well without it being anything that the women would be interested in.

I kind of think that our problems seem like two sides of the same coin. I'm the repulsive man who is trying to find a way to destroy romantic thought; you seem more capable of destroying the romantic thought, having experienced women and found them lacking, but need help with the repulsiveness. Good luck.

The thing is, I'm not a rude person. I just don't like to be. I'm usually a very confident and outgoing person, but I can also be stoic but polite.

Wow, lab partners? I'm guessing you are under 25? When did this ex get diagnosed with bipolar. All teenagers are bipolar, it's called hormones. I swear, the medical and psychiatrist professions have got a lot of "labelling" to answer for.

Also, 5 relationships? That sounds like a lot. Plus 3 girls chasing you? Maybe more?

Wow! I'd just put this all into perspective. You're young, the time to do things is when you're young. The time to date lots of people is when you're young. In about 5-10 years you'll wonder what have the drama was about but that's what it's like when you're under 25. Everything is serious, everything is dramatic, everything seems really important, if not to you then to the people around you.

Then one day you struggle to recall even a single name from school or even what you studied.

If you want to stop these women then don't avoid relationships. For some stupid reason the one thing women that age (and older) can't get enough of is somebody who doesn't want them. They'll do anything to get some validation. Personally I hate it and think it's the stupidest thing to do, and really quite selfish. I'd suggest you say to them "Yeah, I'm really interested, but not in a relationship, I have trust issues, but casual sex is fine as I have all these other women chasing me". They might think your a jerk but it lets them down easy, and here's the kicker. It doesn't matter what you do, if any of these women are generally interested and you DON'T date them, then they'll find reasons to think you're a jerk anyway. Something that both genders do fairly consistently.

Plus if you avoid relationships you'll never get over your trust issues. I'd also start to pick friends based on loyalty. All of this just sounds like One Tree Hill/Dawson's creek/everything single teen drama you've ever seen.

The thing is, I'm not really interested in the whole casual sex thing. I'm not interested in making any sort of romantic connection with anyone. I would be happy to go the rest of my life without ever having sex again. I'm just one of those guys with an extremely low sex-drive. It just adds a whole level of complication that I don't need. My last girlfriend was beginning to take up more and more of my time to the point where it was cutting into my PT schedule, whichis second only to my schoolwork.

Wow, I would love to have girls chasing me. Anyways it is fairly easy to put people down gently and you should do this if someone if expressing interest in you and you don't reciprocate.

Something along the lines of "I flattered but I'm not interested in going out with you" usually does the trick. If someone can't take no for an answer then it is a problem. Keep reiterating that you are not interested in a relationship pleasently but firmly. Make sure that you keep this up and people should move on.

As for repeling girls, why? I am fairly confident that most individuals will accept "no" and move on to greener pastures. Also you may change your mind so it's best no to have yourself as a social pariah. Of course you could put on loads of weight, not wash and never get a job but I wouldn't reccomend that.

Yes, it's a little hard to get fat and blubberous when you run eight miles every morning.

 

[Zantos]

I have roughly a similar problem. I've now been through 4 relationships which have had everything from compulsive cheating and lying to emotional and physical abuse. I dislike the girls I went out with but I don't hate relationships. There must be something to them, otherwise people wouldn't keep banging on about them.

Just take some time out, hang out with friends, play through some games, go to the gym (ok, that one's not necessary, but it's what I'm doing in my single time) and once the dust has cleared try it again. Just make sure people know you aren't ready for a relationship yet, they should hold off and respect that, then just take it in the direction you want. Bad experiences shouldn't spoil the fact that these things have the potential to be great.

 

[The Man With the Soap]

I have roughly a similar problem. I've now been through 4 relationships which have had everything from compulsive cheating and lying to emotional and physical abuse. I dislike the girls I went out with but I don't hate relationships. There must be something to them, otherwise people wouldn't keep banging on about them.

Just take some time out, hang out with friends, play through some games, go to the gym (ok, that one's not necessary, but it's what I'm doing in my single time) and once the dust has cleared try it again. Just make sure people know you aren't ready for a relationship yet, they should hold off and respect that, then just take it in the direction you want. Bad experiences shouldn't spoil the fact that these things have the potential to be great.

They do have the potential to be great, I suppose. They just aren't great for me. I feel like romantic entanglements make me lose sight of what's really important. That is: earning my commission. Women always seem to talk down about the military, and try to talk me out of joining the Marines. I won't have it. I respect what they want out of life, why can't they respect what I want? I have to regiment myself to a very strict workout schedule, but they don't seem to get that I just don't have a lot of free time.

 

[Zantos]

I have roughly a similar problem. I've now been through 4 relationships which have had everything from compulsive cheating and lying to emotional and physical abuse. I dislike the girls I went out with but I don't hate relationships. There must be something to them, otherwise people wouldn't keep banging on about them.

Just take some time out, hang out with friends, play through some games, go to the gym (ok, that one's not necessary, but it's what I'm doing in my single time) and once the dust has cleared try it again. Just make sure people know you aren't ready for a relationship yet, they should hold off and respect that, then just take it in the direction you want. Bad experiences shouldn't spoil the fact that these things have the potential to be great.

They do havethe potential to be great, I suppose. They just aren't great for me. I feel like romantic entanglements make me lose sight of what's really important. That is: earning my commission. Women always seem to talk down about the military, and try to talk me out of joining the Marines. I won't have it. I respect what they want out of life, why can't they respect what I want? I have to regiment myself to a very strict workout schedule, but they don't seem to get that I just don't have a lot of free time.

You just need to meet someone of a similar mindset. Girlfriend 2 wanted me to drop out of college, not go to uni and get a job so we could get married and have kids early. Wasn't going to happen. I'm sure you can find someone who'll support you in joining the marines (there are some girls that like uniforms )

You shouldn't feel like you should get into a relationship, and it's great you want to focus on career, all I'm saying is don't completely discount the idea. You might meet someone who ticks all the boxes, is really supportive, you get on really well with and is damn fine to boot. If you do meet someone like that then all I'm saying is don't disregard the idea.

 

[The Man With the Soap]

I have roughly a similar problem. I've now been through 4 relationships which have had everything from compulsive cheating and lying to emotional and physical abuse. I dislike the girls I went out with but I don't hate relationships. There must be something to them, otherwise people wouldn't keep banging on about them.

Just take some time out, hang out with friends, play through some games, go to the gym (ok, that one's not necessary, but it's what I'm doing in my single time) and once the dust has cleared try it again. Just make sure people know you aren't ready for a relationship yet, they should hold off and respect that, then just take it in the direction you want. Bad experiences shouldn't spoil the fact that these things have the potential to be great.

They do havethe potential to be great, I suppose. They just aren't great for me. I feel like romantic entanglements make me lose sight of what's really important. That is: earning my commission. Women always seem to talk down about the military, and try to talk me out of joining the Marines. I won't have it. I respect what they want out of life, why can't they respect what I want? I have to regiment myself to a very strict workout schedule, but they don't seem to get that I just don't have a lot of free time.

You just need to meet someone of a similar mindset. Girlfriend 2 wanted me to drop out of college, not go to uni and get a job so we could get married and have kids early. Wasn't going to happen. I'm sure you can find someone who'll support you in joining the marines (there are some girls that like uniforms )

You shouldn't feel like you should get into a relationship, and it's great you want to focus on career, all I'm saying is don't completely discount the idea. You might meet someone who ticks all the boxes, is really supportive, you get on really well with and is damn fine to boot. If you do meet someone like that then all I'm saying is don't disregard the idea.

Yes, and things might be alright for a while, but then I'll get deployed. And before long, she'll be in the arms of some Jodie boy. Life back home doesn't stop because you're overseas.

 

[JochemDude]

Taking back would probably not be a good option, shouldn't have happened in the first place and thus will probably happen again. The best friends thing can work out though, that's what happened to me and my girlfriend like a decade ago. It can either work out very very well or very very bad. The middle school girl well, a 'test' date can probably solve any doubt in that. You shouldn't repel them, really apart from breaking up what's the worst that can happen. I know that's what you're asking but alienating yourself from such relationships isn't gonna help in many ways is it? It's also most likely impossible to refuse them and then expect them to not think you're a jerk because that's pretty much most of them are.

 

[Kenami]

These experiences have made me realize something: I have realized something: I have grown to hate women in a romantic sense. I am distrustful, and I always suspect sinister motives when I find out a woman has feelings for me. I don't hate all women (female friends are fine, and I trust them), just the ones that have romantic feelings for me.

To quote the joker from The Dark Knight, you my friend are ahead of the curve.

 

[Erana]

These experiences have made me realize something: I have realized something: I have grown to hate women in a romantic sense. I am distrustful, and I always suspect sinister motives when I find out a woman has feelings for me. I don't hate all women (female friends are fine, and I trust them), just the ones that have romantic feelings for me.

Avoiding the matter won't do you any good. And its not their fault for your feeling this way. If someone you like as a person has feelings for you, why not just talk to them about how you feel?

You and your romantic-based distrust are not one and the same. This feeling comes from bad past experiences and you can't prior negatives define your future.

 

[The Man With the Soap]

These experiences have made me realize something: I have realized something: I have grown to hate women in a romantic sense. I am distrustful, and I always suspect sinister motives when I find out a woman has feelings for me. I don't hate all women (female friends are fine, and I trust them), just the ones that have romantic feelings for me.

Avoiding the matter won't do you any good. And its not their fault for your feeling this way. If someone you like as a person has feelings for you, why not just talk to them about how you feel?

You and your romantic-based distrust are not one and the same. This feeling comes from bad past experiences and you can't prior negatives define your future.

I have tried talking to them. They still pursue the issue. I don't know how else I can make myself any clearer.

And as for the bad experiences, they're all I have to go on. Relationships are for some, but I guess they aren't for me. If a snake bites me when I touch it, and I touch it five more times with the same result, is not the best course of action to stop touching the snake?

You are a woman, yes? So, you should be able to tell me how I can repel women romantically without making myself a social pariah. I do not need to be bothered with relationships any longer. I need to focus on what is more important in the long-term: earning my commission as a Marine Corps officer.

 

[SiskoBlue]

Wow, lab partners? I'm guessing you are under 25? When did this ex get diagnosed with bipolar. All teenagers are bipolar, it's called hormones. I swear, the medical and psychiatrist professions have got a lot of "labelling" to answer for.

There is a very severe and important difference between bipolar disorder and teenage hormones. I've been in and out of hospital for depression and suicide related medial needs and have thus served a lot of time inside of a mental ward. I can tell you for a fact that bipolar is not something akin to teenage drama.

Waving bipolar in teens off so flippantly is not something I see as positive.

You're right, there IS a distinction between bipolar disorder and teenage hormones and I worked in those very same clinics and environments. Which why I'm suggesting the OP shouldn't throw the term "bipolar" into his description of her.

I'm sorry if I appear flippant but the OP used the term colloquially, and it's that which I'm attacking. I very much doubt his claim that "she was bipolar and a compulsive liar" is a formal diagnosis. It's very common for many people to bandy about certain mental illnesses when they fall well short of the clinical diagnosis. It's inappropriate as nothing in the OP suggests we are dealing with depression, suicide, or teenage bipolar depression based on a professional diagnosis, so I was pointing out just one of the problems with his perspective on the issue.

 

[The Man With the Soap]

Wow, lab partners? I'm guessing you are under 25? When did this ex get diagnosed with bipolar. All teenagers are bipolar, it's called hormones. I swear, the medical and psychiatrist professions have got a lot of "labelling" to answer for.

There is a very severe and important difference between bipolar disorder and teenage hormones. I've been in and out of hospital for depression and suicide related medial needs and have thus served a lot of time inside of a mental ward. I can tell you for a fact that bipolar is not something akin to teenage drama.

Waving bipolar in teens off so flippantly is not something I see as positive.

You're right, there IS a distinction between bipolar disorder and teenage hormones and I worked in those very same clinics and environments. Which why I'm suggesting the OP shouldn't throw the term "bipolar" into his description of her.

I'm sorry if I appear flippant but the OP used the term colloquially, and it's that which I'm attacking. I very much doubt his claim that "she was bipolar and a compulsive liar" is a formal diagnosis. It's very common for many people to bandy about certain mental illnesses when they fall well short of the clinical diagnosis. It's inappropriate as nothing in the OP suggests we are dealing with depression, suicide, or teenage bipolar depression based on a professional diagnosis, so I was pointing out just one of the problems with his perspective on the issue.

I would not call her bipolar if she was not so. She is a diagnosed bipolar.