I've been doing security (see hired goon) for a number of years. And in that time, the combination of late nights, abundant alcohol and asshole clientele has resulted in some amusing, scary and frankly bizarre stories.
One of my duties involves escorting patrons out. It can be for a variety of reasons, either because they are too intoxicated, aggressive, etc. I usually get some sort of protest when performing this duty which is understandable. No one likes having their night ended prematurely. Still, some excuses are just too baffling to forget. Here's a list of top 7 excuses I've heard for not kicking them out from least to most baffling, stupid or odd.
7. An obviously underage guy tried sneaking into the back of a bar patio. When confronted he tried to bribe me, "Hey, how about I take care of you bro. I'll give you 5....*digs around in pockets* er, $2.10 if you let me stay. What'ya say bro?"
6. "Oh, oh, oh. You think you're a big shot right? You're nothing! I bet you don't even have a high school education. Who do you think you are kicking me out? I'm above you 'cuz you're nothing but a damn peasant!"
5. "You think you're so tough? You'll be sorry. You just wait, I'M TELLING MY MOM ON YOU!" threatened a 20-something year old guy to our security staff after he was escorted out for fighting.
4. *In a cracking sobbing voice* "I don't understand why you're doing this. You're so fuckin' mean and power-tripping yo. I did nothing wrong!" said a pretty blonde as she was brought outside after she had attacked 2 patrons, a security guard and then vomited on herself.
3. A guy was strongly objecting to being searched. He was going off about what sort of place requires searching and then tried to imply we were all gay and just wanted to touch him. His friends convinced him that it was alright. We finally managed to search him and found to our surprise that there were no drugs, weapons or anything suspicious on him. But by then, the patron was almost hysterical and ran away to both our confusion and the confusion of his friends.
2. "Yo buddy, look I'm okay. My friends are all here. I promise I'll go just let me finish the bottles we have" said a guy who had fallen onto some broken glass and pierced an artery as he was being escorted to a nearby ambulance.
1. A few years back, a fellow guard and I were working a small bar and I grabbed a large guy who had been brutally punching a woman less than half his size. When we were subduing him, he yelled,
"No no, it's okay. She's my sister!". Turns it was a family gathering...
One of my duties involves escorting patrons out. It can be for a variety of reasons, either because they are too intoxicated, aggressive, etc. I usually get some sort of protest when performing this duty which is understandable. No one likes having their night ended prematurely. Still, some excuses are just too baffling to forget. Here's a list of top 7 excuses I've heard for not kicking them out from least to most baffling, stupid or odd.
7. An obviously underage guy tried sneaking into the back of a bar patio. When confronted he tried to bribe me, "Hey, how about I take care of you bro. I'll give you 5....*digs around in pockets* er, $2.10 if you let me stay. What'ya say bro?"
6. "Oh, oh, oh. You think you're a big shot right? You're nothing! I bet you don't even have a high school education. Who do you think you are kicking me out? I'm above you 'cuz you're nothing but a damn peasant!"
5. "You think you're so tough? You'll be sorry. You just wait, I'M TELLING MY MOM ON YOU!" threatened a 20-something year old guy to our security staff after he was escorted out for fighting.
4. *In a cracking sobbing voice* "I don't understand why you're doing this. You're so fuckin' mean and power-tripping yo. I did nothing wrong!" said a pretty blonde as she was brought outside after she had attacked 2 patrons, a security guard and then vomited on herself.
3. A guy was strongly objecting to being searched. He was going off about what sort of place requires searching and then tried to imply we were all gay and just wanted to touch him. His friends convinced him that it was alright. We finally managed to search him and found to our surprise that there were no drugs, weapons or anything suspicious on him. But by then, the patron was almost hysterical and ran away to both our confusion and the confusion of his friends.
2. "Yo buddy, look I'm okay. My friends are all here. I promise I'll go just let me finish the bottles we have" said a guy who had fallen onto some broken glass and pierced an artery as he was being escorted to a nearby ambulance.
1. A few years back, a fellow guard and I were working a small bar and I grabbed a large guy who had been brutally punching a woman less than half his size. When we were subduing him, he yelled,
"No no, it's okay. She's my sister!". Turns it was a family gathering...
