Torn about my relationship

[Tilted_Logic]

I'd like to preface this by apologizing for the length, but...

I have a problem with relationships.

I haven't been in many, but the people I committed to were people I can say I loved dearly, and people that - a few years down the line - I thoroughly enjoy talking to again (by mutual agreement).

My problem isn't that I can't keep a relationship going - it's that I can't seem to adjust to dealing with a 'regular' relationship.
I get bored of people very quickly if I talk to them everyday. My absolute best friend in the world I talk to maybe once or twice every three months (or whenever we need each other). I've lost plenty of good friends because I couldn't deal with the overbearing texts or repetitive messages. So right now, my closest friends (possibly a contradiction there), are those I see or speak to only when we have something important or interesting to share. Not just a daily "what's up".

So with actual relationships... I find I need space; "distance makes the heart grow fonder" definitely stands true for me. It makes me less likely to nitpick on the small things if all I can think about it how happy I am to see someone after a decent time apart.

This dilemma applies heavily to my current boyfriend; he's an absolutely wonderful person, the kind you could easily grow old with - but I find I get so tired of spending every evening with him.

I need space, I want space, but the thought of saying that feels like it'd be a knife to his heart.

This leads into another issue... He's by far older than anyone I've dated before, and with that came a lot of maturity. He's the type of person that would make a great father, very responsible, cautious, caring... But 3 months into our relationship, (which jump started from a long-term acquaintanceship) he'd already said he expected to be spending our lives together.

At no point have I gotten into a relationship prior just looking for a 'fling', it was always with long term possibilities, but with him... For him to say something like that so soon after we'd hardly known each other... It was intimidating.

I'm not sure I'm ready for that... I'm in my early 20s, but I postponed college (going this fall) with my age group to travel instead, so I missed a lot of that silly 'young adult' phase of experimentation (not talking sexually here, just in general I was a pretty naive kid, and now I feel I'm leaping straight into a 'mature adult' district).

I feel like I'm missing that stage, and I'm fully aware how shallow this all is, I really am. But with my current boyfriend, he has zero interest in going out and doing crazy things, trying new stuff, he's in that mature stage where he wants to settle down... And I just don't feel ready for that. I feel like I want to experience that wacky stage of life where you just do things on the fly, meet crazy people, be spontaneous....

Part of me feels like it wants to experience today with someone my age. Someone who's learning things just as I am, not an open book of experience. My current boyfriend has commented on how he did a lot of foolish things when he was my age, and that I'm better off skipping out on that lifestyle. I understand where he's coming from, and I'm not looking to spend weekends drinking, and partying till dawn, I just want to come out of my shell.

So Escapist, I'm so sorry for the long winded post, but if anyone managed to work their way through it, has anyone had any similar experiences with relationships? Needing their space? What about your young adult phase... Do you regret how you were back then? The things you tried? Do you wish you had skipped it and gone straight to a mature adulthood?

Again, I'm aware of how shallow and ignorant this is all probably coming off as... I'm just looking for opinions... answers... I'm not sure what to do, but I don't know if I'm where I want to be. I'm not looking for an excuse to go throw myself at any passerby, I just see young couples and feel envious of them experiencing the world for the first time together. As I am now, I feel like my current partner has handled all the heavy lifting, and I'm just riding the tailwind.
And I suppose I'll throw this in here; I have a friend in his 30s.. His advice to me was not to deal with heavy relationships in my 20s... Just have fun, experiment, find out what I like, what kind of people I'm really interested in.. Wait till I'm older to settle down. And it seems for the most part to be decent advice... I'm not sure the person I'm with now is the one I want to spend the rest of my life with.. And that seed of doubt.. I just feel like I'm missing out on so many different experiences by settling down now, but at the same time, he's a wonderful person...Escapist what are your opinions?

Captcha: "him with her".... Escapist.. You scoundrel, you.

 

[Datsle]

Well, i can tell you that when i was 19 i expected to spend the rest of life together with my Girlfriend (for several years)
We're not together any more, something I never would have guessed back then- but clearly see now is Right.
Tell him what your thinking, atleast. It's fine to want to spend the rest of your life with someone, but I'f that's some kind of promise- its total BS.
Noone knows the rest of their lives. Good luck!

 

[Fiz_The_Toaster]

You keep mentioning space, and I have to ask, why you feel the need for some? I ask because I find it odd that you find having space from someone close to you is perfect, or convenient, while at the same time experiencing new and exciting things with the boyfriend.

This is gonna sound incredibly cliche, but maybe you should ask yourself those questions and perhaps come to some answers as to why you feel the way you do. As for the experiencing new things bit, I think everyone should try something new because that helps them shape who they are, so I don't think you should limit yourself to things if you don't think it will cause you harm later.

I think you should just find out where you are in life at the moment and take it from there since rushing into things will make things worse, especially if you're starting college soon. Take your time but don't be indecisive.

Good luck and I hope I helped a little.

 

[Don Savik]

I can really only comment on the opinion of "missing out" on certain aspects of life that society demands we experience.

People have fun in different ways. I didn't "miss out" on anything by not going to prom, as I'm the kind of person who doesn't find superficial dates with schoolmates I dislike fun. Even when it comes to the idea of dating, I don't find the idea of experiencing multiple women over a few a big deal, as long as the one I'm with is fine. Do numbers matter when you're happy? Meeting people is always nice, but its not a numbers game. You aren't a better person by default because you've "experienced" more. When men talk about "experiencing more relationships" though, for the most part they are talking about how many people they can fuck before they get stuck with a ball and chain (every "man"s nightmare apparently). This mindset is essentially why I've abandoned the notion of quantity over quality as I don't see people as orifices to be penetrated. Not saying all men are like this, but its the general societal norm.

As long as your having fun and are happy, you haven't "missed out".

 

[Flamezdudes]

Goodness, its like you are exactly like me at the moment. I need space a lot like you, although I do see my friends more often than you seem to do. But yeah, it does get boring if I spend everyday with my girlfriend but when I told her she totally took it the wrong way.

You aren't alone in feeling like this, definitely not. My girlfriend was even saying things recently like when we may have kids and yes I definitely find it intimidating to hear that sort of thing now. I feel like i'm missing out on things just like how you feel.

It sucks. But i'm trying to work through it with her by perhaps seeing her a little less and doing different things to keep things fresh and not get boring.

 

[ShadowsofHope]

Snip

Replace the word boyfriend with the presumed eventual term "girlfriend", and you have just described my life as well.

We call ourselves introverts. It's perfectly fine to be like this, though of course with a little variety in terms of social needs (contact with other humans).

 

[Tilted_Logic]

You keep mentioning space, and I have to ask, why you feel the need for some? I ask because I find it odd that you find having space from someone close to you is perfect, or convenient, while at the same time experiencing new and exciting things with the boyfriend.

This is gonna sound incredibly cliche, but maybe you should ask yourself those questions and perhaps come to some answers as to why you feel the way you do. As for the experiencing new things bit, I think everyone should try something new because that helps them shape who they are, so I don't think you should limit yourself to things if you don't think it will cause you harm later.

I think you should just find out where you are in life at the moment and take it from there since rushing into things will make things worse, especially if you're starting college soon. Take your time but don't be indecisive.

Good luck and I hope I helped a little.

Space for me doesn't have to be months, by any means, I just get tired of doing nearly the same things every evening. Need some space so that I'll appreciate that time together, not resent the monotony. I'd be happy to see him, or any friend, every day if we kept it interesting. New things to try, new ideas, etc.

And thank you all for your posts! Good to know I'm not alone in feeling like this. I'll try to make him more aware of this, maybe get him to try new things with me.