Transgender Q & A

[Angelowl]

But wow. What an amazing bunch of people to have been through such a life dilemma, and to have come out so .. positive? friendly? helpful? All of the above? It is a delight to see and i thank you for it.

To give a boring answer, it's complicated. Getting rid of the depression, getting hormones, new friends. It's a huge difference. Even though I fucked up my first year in a civil engineer programme I actually have a chance to live now. I can look forward, plan, do what I like and so on. Partly is that for years I wanted to be able to live and enjoy life. Now that I have a chance of doing it, damn right I'm going to!

Reading taoist, buddhist etc philosophy as well as studying history has given me perspective and made me more at peace with myself and life. So why not enjoy things while I can? I've already lost a decade of my life, so to say I've been through enough shit as it is.

I really feel that life is too short to get hung up on the details. So in summary it's kind of like the rain scene in V for Vendetta combined with a strong longing for actually enjoying life.

 

[Jenvas1306]

I allways had a fairly soft voice, but it was certainly male (yeah people confused me with my father on phone and told me classified information and stuff). My psychologist gave me the adress of a good voice coach, who helped me with speech patterns, keeping the vocals high and other things that made my voice sound more female.
I also found some very helpful videos:
http://www.deepstealth.com/film-tv-video/instructional-videos/finding-your-female-voice/

But I would recoment professional help together with those training videos. Surgery is certainly something I cant aprove off, maybe a simple chnge to the angle of the voicebox, but nothing doing anything to ones vocalcords.

By now my voice passes well, more here in germany than with people from america, but I am not yet done reaching what is possible.
It takes time and effort, but the confidence is certainly worth it

...and having someone to talk to is also helpful, I got my bf and there its easy for me to get the best out of my voice.

 

[WWmelb]

But wow. What an amazing bunch of people to have been through such a life dilemma, and to have come out so .. positive? friendly? helpful? All of the above? It is a delight to see and i thank you for it.

To give a boring answer, it's complicated. Getting rid of the depression, getting hormones, new friends. It's a huge difference. Even though I fucked up my first year in a civil engineer programme I actually have a chance to live now. I can look forward, plan, do what I like and so on. Partly is that for years I wanted to be able to live and enjoy life. Now that I have a chance of doing it, damn right I'm going to!

Reading taoist, buddhist etc philosophy as well as studying history has given me perspective and made me more at peace with myself and life. So why not enjoy things while I can? I've already lost a decade of my life, so to say I've been through enough shit as it is.

I really feel that life is too short to get hung up on the details. So in summary it's kind of like the rain scene in V for Vendetta combined with a strong longing for actually enjoying life.

Amazing scene and thank you for sharing. Hopefully your next decade will be infinitely better.

 

[piinyouri]

This thread seems surprisingly nice for a TG thread on the Escapist.

Sad I missed most of it. : (

 

[an annoyed writer]

I really feel that life is too short to get hung up on the details. So in summary it's kind of like the rain scene in V for Vendetta combined with a strong longing for actually enjoying life.

As a film geek that scene always had some strange significance to me. There was just something iconic about it. Maybe because it was written by one of our own, and in many ways it was representative of one coming into their own. Hell, I remember it raining like that when I came out to my first friend. That day was so freeing. For the first time in my life I'd felt like I could live my life.

 

[Andy of Comix Inc]

How do I get to date a transgender? This probably sounds as bigoted and sexist and transphobic as anyone mocking transgenders for being transgenders, but... I find them really cute. My first girlfriend was a transgender and I think I have some sort of fetish for it. Am I offensive for thinking that way? And if not - how would you say is best to woo a transgender? Pre-op, I mean. :3

 

[Andy of Comix Inc]

How do I get to date a transgender? This probably sounds as bigoted and sexist and transphobic as anyone mocking transgenders for being transgenders, but... I find them really cute. My first girlfriend was a transgender and I think I have some sort of fetish for it. Am I offensive for thinking that way? And if not - how would you say is best to woo a transgender? Pre-op, I mean. :3

How would Freud put this?

"Go snort some cocaine, and come back when you think you know why you have that fetish."

I don't think you're necessarily offensive, but the fact that you're not just open to a transgender relationship but actively seeking one makes me think you're not entirely over your first girlfriend. Just something to think about.

Now, that being said, you woo a transwoman like you would woo anybody else. There isn't some sort of Konami Code that gets us to melt in your arms, just like that doesn't really existfor any other demographic either. You shouldn't actively be seeking a relationship with a transwoman specifically because thats typically either objectification (and I don't think thats necessarily a bad thing, as long as its not a relationship for anything more than sex) or projection. Notice how many times you refer to transgender people where your word choice doesn't necessarily imply that you're talking about people. I counted at least seven.

I... geez, I just like the idea of helping someone through a tough time, alright? Romantically. I was over my first girlfriend by the time she was over me, but the times when she was uncomfortable and felt like the world had forgotten her... I felt important and needed. And I want to feel that again, if only as long as it takes for the person I'm caring for can move on to better things. To feel comfortable with themselves. That's probably the most destructive kind of relationship there is to seek, but I want to feel that way again.

You're right. I knew exactly what kind of response I would get as I was typing it. I was hoping maybe I'd at least flatter someone for being themselves, but you're absolutely right. It's definitely in many ways objectifying trans* people, and even if it wasn't... it's just a different sort of judgemental. Plus the reasons I'd be in such a relationship border on self-destructive.

Though I do find trans* people attractive in the sense that there's something about a woman with a penis that turns me on, the actual "wanting to date a transgender" thing I have going on is really not a good one. What would Freud say, indeed.

 

[an annoyed writer]

How do I get to date a transgender? This probably sounds as bigoted and sexist and transphobic as anyone mocking transgenders for being transgenders, but... I find them really cute. My first girlfriend was a transgender and I think I have some sort of fetish for it. Am I offensive for thinking that way? And if not - how would you say is best to woo a transgender? Pre-op, I mean. :3

How would Freud put this?

"Go snort some cocaine, and come back when you think you know why you have that fetish."

I don't think you're necessarily offensive, but the fact that you're not just open to a transgender relationship but actively seeking one makes me think you're not entirely over your first girlfriend. Just something to think about.

Now, that being said, you woo a transwoman like you would woo anybody else. There isn't some sort of Konami Code that gets us to melt in your arms, just like that doesn't really existfor any other demographic either. You shouldn't actively be seeking a relationship with a transwoman specifically because thats typically either objectification (and I don't think thats necessarily a bad thing, as long as its not a relationship for anything more than sex) or projection.

I was just about to say something around these lines. Now one more thing: if you're preventing the progress of the transwoman who is going through their process and decides to shut down THAT part, you're not going to win any favors. If that's your kink, visit Thailand or something, because there are more people who'd like to keep their original equipment there. Most of us don't want anything to do with that part though and are doing everything in our power to distance ourselves from it, and to prevent one from completing their transition just because you've got a sexual kink is not anywhere near right.

 

[Sarmos]

I feel like I should really say something here.

I am transgender. Have been for a very very very long time. As long as I can remember.
But, I don't participate in the community at all.

To put it in perspective, to some in the trans community, they have issues being associated with the community AT ALL.

The whole point of transgender-ism to some people is to make they're body and identification associate WITH the desired gender. Almost every fellow trans person I've met, say they don't want to be transgender.

They just want to be they're desired gender. period.

 

[RedLister]

I don't know if this question has been asked already.

One of my best friends are transgender but i still don't know to call them He or She (A man who wants to be a women but has to hide it from the family etc).

Problem is if i say "He" then it isn't validating there personality since my friend thinks and acts like a women.

But if i say "She" then everyone gives both me and my friend rather dodgy looks (Yes ive even had to smack a few geezers over this)

It just seems that no matter what option i pick it's the wrong answer :S

 

[Jayemsal]

I don't know if this question has been asked already.

One of my best friends are transgender but i still don't know to call them He or She (A man who wants to be a women but has to hide it from the family etc).

Problem is if i say "He" then it isn't validating there personality since my friend thinks and acts like a women.

But if i say "She" then everyone gives both me and my friend rather dodgy looks (Yes ive even had to smack a few geezers over this)

It just seems that no matter what option i pick it's the wrong answer :S

She.

You dont need to cater to those people who give you and your friend looks.

They're relics of the past, no need to care about their opinions.

 

[WWmelb]

I really feel that life is too short to get hung up on the details. So in summary it's kind of like the rain scene in V for Vendetta combined with a strong longing for actually enjoying life.

As a film geek that scene always had some strange significance to me. There was just something iconic about it. Maybe because it was written by one of our own, and in many ways it was representative of one coming into their own. Hell, I remember it raining like that when I came out to my first friend. That day was so freeing. For the first time in my life I'd felt like I could live my life.

Only really quoted you so that you may see this post Writer.

Thank you for the amazing contributions you have given to these threads. You seem like quite an amazing woman.

Your answers have always been concise and deliberate and very relatable (not a word huh?) so wanted to thank you personally for helping with the insight you have given us average people. You are inspirational. All of you here

 

[an annoyed writer]

Only really quoted you so that you may see this post Writer.

Thank you for the amazing contributions you have given to these threads. You seem like quite an amazing woman.

Your answers have always been concise and deliberate and very relatable (not a word huh?) so wanted to thank you personally for helping with the insight you have given us average people. You are inspirational. All of you here

No problem. I see it as my duty to help others understand people like me, and to prevent the mistakes that I've made from happening to my peers, as well as my successors. I don't have a ton to live for right now so every bit counts. If I can help just one more person get it, it will have been worth it. It helps me hold on, so that one day I can finally live free, and live on my own terms. So in short, thank you for taking the time to understand.

 

[Psykoma]

I feel like I should really say something here.

I am transgender. Have been for a very very very long time. As long as I can remember.
But, I don't participate in the community at all.

To put it in perspective, to some in the trans community, they have issues being associated with the community AT ALL.

The whole point of transgender-ism to some people is to make they're body and identification associate WITH the desired gender. Almost every fellow trans person I've met, say they don't want to be transgender.

They just want to be they're desired gender. period.

Most of those people (myself included), are transsexuals. To some of us being a transsexual is a temporary state of being dictated by the time it takes to transition.

I've never actually identified as transgender. From day one of my transition I've never told my therapists, friends or family "I'm a transsexual/transgender", it was always "I'm a woman".

Even now I never say I'm a 'trans woman', if I address it at all I say I'm either "A woman who transitioned' or just "A woman with a history".

I don't have issues with most people in the community (Well actually that's a lie, I have several issues with many of the ones I've met (none of them are on the escapist, the ones I remember from here are pretty awesome)), my identity just doens't fit with the trans community.

 

[RobfromtheGulag]

Where does the money come from.

The entire trans thing seems to me to be practically relegated to upper class kids and porn stars. The numerous cosmetic and hormonal operations/pharmaceuticals cannot be cheap. You don't see trans people on forums like 'I'm typing this on a Win95 machine because I have to save for my hospital bills'.

I don't mean to cheapen being transgender, but it would seem to me that people of moderate means would be stuck with only a different mindset and wardrobe (perhaps including wigs) than any cisgenders.

 

[Kathinka]

ok, i got one.

first let it be said that i don't mean to offend any one. i think every person should have the right to live their life as they please if they don't harm others by it. if a woman wants to live as a man, that's perfectly fine by me and i'll defend their right to do so without being discriminated against with everything i have.

that being said: for me, any transgender man, for example, is still a man, and a transgender woman still a woman, and vice versa. or in short: for me, the biological gender is decisive in the identification of an individual, not the self-determined gender. it's just a biological fact for me. (that is also the reason why i, although bisexual, don't find transsexuals attractive. mtf don't fit what i find attractive in a man, and mtf are just unattractive females to me).
now i understand that it matters to many transgender people what others think (even if it shouldn't, in my opinion, they should just do what makes them happy and don't give a toss about other peoples opinions) but i've sometimes encountered the mindset that my opinion would be wrong and intolerant. i find that a bit dickish to be honest, if i can accept them and let them have their view on the matter, why can't i get the same courtesy?

now, to the actual question i'm doing a terrible job at asking: why is this viewpoint of mine such a big deal and large problem for many members of the transgender / transsexual community (sorry, i'm not 100% familiar with the PC terminology of the subject. if i accidentally used a wrong term at any point, i meant nothing by it)

 

[Psykoma]

Where does the money come from.

The entire trans thing seems to me to be practically relegated to upper class kids and porn stars. The numerous cosmetic and hormonal operations/pharmaceuticals cannot be cheap. You don't see trans people on forums like 'I'm typing this on a Win95 machine because I have to save for my hospital bills'.

I don't mean to cheapen being transgender, but it would seem to me that people of moderate means would be stuck with only a different mindset and wardrobe (perhaps including wigs) than any cisgenders.

It comes from either:
A. Medicare covering all or significant parts of it.
Or
B. Realizing that transitioning is more important than anything else in your life. Going out to dinner with friends? Not if I have a transitioning-related bill to pay. New Phone? Doubt it.
Or some combination of the above.

Also, every trans person I've ever met was at most middle class wealth, and the median was well into low-class wealth areas.

 

[an annoyed writer]

Where does the money come from.

The entire trans thing seems to me to be practically relegated to upper class kids and porn stars. The numerous cosmetic and hormonal operations/pharmaceuticals cannot be cheap. You don't see trans people on forums like 'I'm typing this on a Win95 machine because I have to save for my hospital bills'.

I don't mean to cheapen being transgender, but it would seem to me that people of moderate means would be stuck with only a different mindset and wardrobe (perhaps including wigs) than any cisgenders.

Depends on where you live. Here in the US? Our own damn pockets. We have to work our asses off to pay for this shit. Sometimes medical insurance covers some of the treatments, other times it doesn't. Hormone treatments are usually made affordable with diagnosis of GID(Gender Identity Disorder). There's also some things social services can do in the more progressive states, but most of the time we fund ourselves. In other countries there are things like universal health care though, and last I checked some countries like Canada have military pensions that cover the costs completely.

 

[Psykoma]

, if i can accept them and let them have their view on the matter, why can't i get the same courtesy?

Because somehow you got it into your head that not accepting a trans person as the gender and sex they transitioned to is somehow accepting them.

 

[Beautiful Tragedy]

Where does the money come from.

The entire trans thing seems to me to be practically relegated to upper class kids and porn stars. The numerous cosmetic and hormonal operations/pharmaceuticals cannot be cheap. You don't see trans people on forums like 'I'm typing this on a Win95 machine because I have to save for my hospital bills'.

I don't mean to cheapen being transgender, but it would seem to me that people of moderate means would be stuck with only a different mindset and wardrobe (perhaps including wigs) than any cisgenders.

I am of modest means... my wife's insurance partially covers hrt... i've slowly built up a modest wardrobe over 5 years