Trust and me

[Melian]

I've never been a sociable person. I don't know whether it's my personality (I tend to be seen as a bit... cold and excentric) or my inherent trust-issues, but somehow I've never been able to gain or maintain friendships with people. Part of this I think is because I went through your standard bullied-as-a-kid scenario, which left me obsessed with being perfect in every aspect and with massive trust issues. With every person approaching me, I assume there is a hidden motive, and no matter the length of the friendship, I always have this nagging thought in the back of my head that they only want to spend time with me because they want something from me. And even despite my drive towards perfection, I always assume I'm not good enough. So I skip between thinking everyone has a hidden motive and thinking that they secretly mock me or hate me and just pull me along for laughs. (Yep, a bit paranoid too).

It took three years, more tears and arguments than I care to remember, before my boyfriend managed to convince me that he wasn't tricking me or just pretending to like me.
So yeah, I guess my question to you, fellow Escapist, would have to be how I can get past this? I would really like to learn how to have friends I trust, but I don't know how to let go off more than 15 years worth of anxiety and distrust.

 

[Simalacrum]

Accept it, I'd say. You say that you feel as if people might have an ulterior motive? Accept that they might have one, but then also realise that it doesn't really matter - they're still friendly, after all! Besides, maybe their ulterior motive is that they just want a friend too?

Upon being paranoid about thinking that people secretly mock you or hate you, I'd say think why they might mock you or hate you - think of what may be the flaws in oneself, and, if you want, strive to iron them out.

Basically, in both the hidden motive thing and secretly mocking thing, don't try and get past it - accept it, but instead think "right, what can I do about it?". Sometimes being in the positive mindset of trying to find a solution can be half the solution in itself! It's what I do, at least... its how I can have very low self-esteem and yet be confident and optimistic at the same time XD

edit: after reading through this again it doesn't make a particularly large amount of sense... basically what I'm trying to say is that you should try and be optimistic about each scenario in which these problems occur, and try to approach your paranoia with pure and simple logic. So, for example, you fear someone might want something from you... what could it be? Does it really matter so long as this person remains friendly? Ooorr your paranoid about people mocking you... well, either consider why they may be mocking you and try and do something about it, or ignore what other people think and do it your way! After all, you shouldn't change just for other people

Argh, very hard to put whats in my brain into words... basically, just analyse each situation individually, and whack it over the head with logic!

 

[Melian]

Yeah, it's what I try to do, but it's so hard. I've only every actually trusted one person in my life, and he REALLY had to work hard for it. I don't know, I guess I just wish I somehow could get over myself and stop thinking like this.

 

[rutger5000]

Go to a shrink or live with it. Those are you two options. I have the same problem only to a lesser degree. And I'm choosing to live with it. Then again I do trust every single people I meet (Literary every person it's my lifesphilosphy to do so) I can just not imagine that they could actually like me, and it isn't just convenient form them to be my friends. In fact I often think they think badly of me. For myself I've chosen to accept that part of my personality, but that might not be a good idea.
I really think you'll need to go to a professional to truly get rid of that mindset. If you could alter it yourself then you wouldn't have this whole problem.
And I normally don't talk down the advice of other people. But similasomething's advice really won't work. Trust me that's the way I'm doing it, doesn't work.

 

[Melian]

I thought about doing that, but... Yeah, I don't know, I somehow think that I should be able to deal with my issues on my own. Feels a bit like if I go talk to someone about it, it becomes bigger and more serious, and I should be strong enough to handle this shit on my own.

 

[Bradd94]

I've got a very close seventeen year old friend, who suffers from Social Anxiety Disorder.
He struggles to sleep and engage in groups at school.

But, he's been in a committed relationship for three years.

Basically what I mean is, so long as you have that one or two people you can trust, you should be able to cope a little better. My friend has seen a shrink a few times, said it didn't work for him but he didn't lose anything from it. I suggest you take a few sessions yourself, its nice to have a stranger's input. And he takes medication to release endorphins or something, but his psychiatrist prescribed them.

 

[Aurgelmir]

SNIP

Well this is a pickle.
Its not easy changing your own thought proses in just one day.

My suggestion is:

Find ONE person you WANT to trust. And make sure this person wants the trust from you too. Then start talking to this person about EVERYTHING!

You just need to find a way to learn that trust can be a good thing.

"Trust me", I have been there myself.

 

[AnAngryMoose]

I've got a very close seventeen year old friend, who suffers from Social Anxiety Disorder.
He struggles to sleep and engage in groups at school.

But, he's been in a committed relationship for three years.

Basically what I mean is, so long as you have that one or two people you can trust, you should be able to cope a little better. My friend has seen a shrink a few times, said it didn't work for him but he didn't lose anything from it. I suggest you take a few sessions yourself, its nice to have a stranger's input. And he takes medication to release endorphins or something, but his psychiatrist prescribed them.

This would be my advice too. I suffer from more or less the exact problems you do (again through being bullied) and suffer from Social Anxiety Disorder. Seeing a psychologist is your best bet. It's helping me so far. Generally speaking they'll listen to your problems and then reason with you so you see that your thought processes aren't realistic and will usually recommend cognitive therapy. It really does work (for me anyway). I'm a stubborn person and anyone else who has tried the same things my psychologist tries it hasn't worked for them, but they work when my psychologist implements them. Personally I'd recommend cognitive therapy over medication.

 

[Robert632]

I thought about doing that, but... Yeah, I don't know, I somehow think that I should be able to deal with my issues on my own. Feels a bit like if I go talk to someone about it, it becomes bigger and more serious, and I should be strong enough to handle this shit on my own.

If you feel like you have to deal with this problem alone, then why the hell are you asking us for advice? Also, you probably should go see a shrink. Now if you go to a few and you feel they arn't helping, then you can quit them. But, then again, they could also help you get over this issue.

 

[Melian]

Thanks for all the advice guys, I'm going to take a while and consider what you've said. It's appreciated!

 

[The Man With the Soap]

I've never been a sociable person. I don't know whether it's my personality (I tend to be seen as a bit... cold and excentric) or my inherent trust-issues, but somehow I've never been able to gain or maintain friendships with people. Part of this I think is because I went through your standard bullied-as-a-kid scenario, which left me obsessed with being perfect in every aspect and with massive trust issues. With every person approaching me, I assume there is a hidden motive, and no matter the length of the friendship, I always have this nagging thought in the back of my head that they only want to spend time with me because they want something from me. And even despite my drive towards perfection, I always assume I'm not good enough. So I skip between thinking everyone has a hidden motive and thinking that they secretly mock me or hate me and just pull me along for laughs. (Yep, a bit paranoid too).

It took three years, more tears and arguments than I care to remember, before my boyfriend managed to convince me that he wasn't tricking me or just pretending to like me.
So yeah, I guess my question to you, fellow Escapist, would have to be how I can get past this? I would really like to learn how to have friends I trust, but I don't know how to let go off more than 15 years worth of anxiety and distrust.

I know how you feel. I have had five relationships in my life, and four of those ended on me being cheated on. I have intimacy issues, but we're not here to talk about me. We're here to talk about you.

I used to get bullied when I was younger. Once I got bigger than everyone else, they stopped saying things to my face. Why am I saying this? It shows what pathetic people bullies are. Put them in perspective, and learn to move on. High school was only a short time in your life. Don't let those idiots beat you. You're stronger than that!

 

[icame]

I am similar, atleast with strangers. When with those I know, or say, talking to people on L4D2, I'm very talkative and don't have anything like this. With strangers, I can be a bit paranoid. What I do is just try to ignore that feeling and not try to treat these strangers any differently.

I know the advice isn't fantastic, but hey, it works for me.