Two problems combined that deeply worry me

[ReservoirAngel]

So I'm not sure really sure if I'll be able to explain this particularly clearly, but I'll give it a shot as best I can.

As I've mentioned here more times than I probably should have, I've got a boyfriend. We've been going out for a good few months and I can say with pretty much complete certainly that I absolutely love him. But I've recently found out that he went through a phase of trying to convince himself he was straight, and that during this phase he essentially bedded a large amount of the female population of the town we live in.

Now I consider myself a pretty understanding and a pretty forgiving person, but something about knowing he's done that just really makes me feel like shit, as well as really feel angry at him. I know it was before me and him were together so I have no logical or valid reason to get pissed off with him for it. That's what the logical side of my brain feels about it, but the irrational, emotional side of my brain just can't help but get routinely angry at him because of it. I know I'm being insane, but I just can't help getting worked up and irrational over the whole situation.

This problem has in some way influenced problem number 2: I've met a guy. Now I know you immediately think "oh, he's fucked a guy and feels guilty despite hating his boyfriend for shagging multiple birds before they were together". But no, that's not what's going on here. Close, but no.

When I first met this guy, he was very obviously flirting with me. Eventually it got to the point where he asked "Have you got a boyfriend?" Now you need to understand that I met this guy AFTER I'd only just found out about my boyfriend's sexcapades with half the town, and I'd stormed out like a *****, and gone down the pub to have a few drinks. So, rather without thinking about it all, when asked if I had a boyfriend I immediately found myself saying that I didn't.

Thing is...I find myself REALLY liking this guy. I keep catching myself thinking about him, and it's really starting to worry me. I'm really worried that with myself keeping talking to this guy, and keeping on thinking more and more about him, as well as being stupidly angry or pissed off with my boyfriend, as well as routinely randomly depressed over it too, I might end up doing something absolutely fucking stupid.

I don't...yeah I don't actually know what kind of advice I'm hoping to get here. Mostly this is just me venting like a bitching little teenager cause I don't have anywhere else to get this shit out, but if you have any possible advice to offer on the entire situation, it would be appreciated.

 

[Hiraeth]

I personally think you need to talk to your boyfriend about how you feel and sort that out before you even think about approaching anything with the second guy. I understand that irrational feeling of betrayal, but as far as you know he's not done anything wrong while being in a relationship with you, and you owe it to him and yourself to sort out your feelings about this before things get any more complicated. It sounds from the way you've expressed it, like you didn't find out from him what happened. If so, I think you really need to hear his side of the story, because he might be even more ashamed of his actions than you were hurt hearing about them. If you decide that you can't move past your current bf's previous promiscuity, then it's up to you what you do.

It's not fair on your boyfriend for you not to at least talk to him about how your feeling, and it's not fair on this other guy for you to lie to him, despite how justified you might have felt when you did so. Ultimately if you don't sort this out now, there's a strong possibility you'll get hurt as well, if the truth comes out then both guys will probably feel betrayed at your dishonesty and you might have lost your chance to fix things with either of them. It sounds like you don't live in that big a town, and the smaller a place is, the chance of this kind of thing coming out increases exponentially.

Good luck, if you want to talk feel free to PM me.

 

[Lionsfan]

I think you should talk to him and figure out what the dealio was/is about his escapade. Try to work out both your own feelings and whatnot, have a serious discussion about how he made you feel and how betrayed you felt. And after hearing his side, take some time and work out your feelings so you don't make a snap decision about your little love triangle

 

[Simalacrum]

As the other two posters have already said, be honest and talk with your boyfriend. You say you know its irrational, tell him that! I'm sure he'll understand It may also help with resolving that whole issue in your mind, since getting things off your chest is definitely a great way of relieving stress.

Furthermore, if you meet this other guy again, explain to him that you do in fact have a boyfriend already - leaving that particular element open will only lead to trouble in the long run.

Goodluck, and I hope things turn out for the best ^_^

 

[dmase]

Talk to the person your with. Would you like to know if they had thoughts about someone besides you? That should have happened before these things got to serious. Its irritating to say the least to realize your significant other has been flirting, eyeing, or thinking about someone else while tell you its all alright. And don't use the excuse, well... he never asked so its not technically a lie.

 

[ReservoirAngel]

It sounds from the way you've expressed it, like you didn't find out from him what happened.

I didn't. I found out from some girl that he'd previously fucked who happens to be friends with my roommates, at which point they all decided to list off the women he's shagged. You know, for fun. With me right there.

 

[Hiraeth]

It sounds from the way you've expressed it, like you didn't find out from him what happened.

I didn't. I found out from some girl that he'd previously fucked who happens to be friends with my roommates, at which point they all decided to list off the women he's shagged. You know, for fun. With me right there.

Wow, what lovely people! Seriously though, that's pretty cruel. One of them could at least have taken you aside and told you gently about what had happened. Anyway my point still stands, talk to your boyfriend, he might paint a very different picture to the one your roommates did, and he deserves a chance to explain his past himself, or not as he chooses.

 

[zombiesinc]

I don't...yeah I don't actually know what kind of advice I'm hoping to get here. Mostly this is just me venting like a bitching little teenager cause I don't have anywhere else to get this shit out, but if you have any possible advice to offer on the entire situation, it would be appreciated.

I can understand how you feel about your boyfriend having many prior sex partners, I've been there myself. And no matter how much you know you shouldn't get frustrated over something that came before you, you can't help but find it a constant disappointing thought that you can't get out of your head. This is something you need to discuss with your partner, otherwise you'll continue to hold that against him (unfairly so) and will worsen your relationship. Although I understand where you're coming from, you should know that this isn't something you can fairly hold against him, and even less so until you let him know how you feel. Perhaps talking to him about it will help you gain some perspective or understanding, and help you get past it. If not, then at least you tried, and were open about your feelings. After talking to my now ex girlfriend about how uncomfortable and frustrated I was with this knowledge, and hearing her side of the story, I found it much easier to get past it. Although there were times that it still bothered me, it was nothing in comparison to my initial reactions. So, talk to him, and go from there.

You're frustrated with him and his prior actions, and someone else has caught your eye. I wouldn't suggest simply giving up on your current relationship until you talk to your partner. If even after you find this is something you can't seem to get past, and the relationship doesn't feel like it's working, consider breaking up. Once you've felt with the results of that, consider this new guy. Avoid jumping right into anything physical with this guy until you're sure you're happy with breaking up with your current, and okay with how that panned out. Regardless of what you choose to do, good luck, and keep your chin up. As difficult as it all is, it will only be as frustrating as you let it.

 

[ReservoirAngel]

It sounds from the way you've expressed it, like you didn't find out from him what happened.

I didn't. I found out from some girl that he'd previously fucked who happens to be friends with my roommates, at which point they all decided to list off the women he's shagged. You know, for fun. With me right there.

Wow, what lovely people! Seriously though, that's pretty cruel. One of them could at least have taken you aside and told you gently about what had happened. Anyway my point still stands, talk to your boyfriend, he might paint a very different picture to the one your roommates did, and he deserves a chance to explain his past himself, or not as he chooses.

Yeah they're not exactly the most caring people in the world. They consider listing off the past sexual partners of the boyfriend of a guy they KNOW to be a very monogamous-minded person as just good entertainment. Well, they must do considering how much fun and laughs they were having with it.

And I will talk to my boyfriend. Well, I will when I see him again. He didn't react too well to me acting like an irrational jealous douchebag and practically yelling at him then storming off, so I dunno when I'll see him next.

 

[The Man With the Soap]

So I'm not sure really sure if I'll be able to explain this particularly clearly, but I'll give it a shot as best I can.

As I've mentioned here more times than I probably should have, I've got a boyfriend. We've been going out for a good few months and I can say with pretty much complete certainly that I absolutely love him. But I've recently found out that he went through a phase of trying to convince himself he was straight, and that during this phase he essentially bedded a large amount of the female population of the town we live in.

Now I consider myself a pretty understanding and a pretty forgiving person, but something about knowing he's done that just really makes me feel like shit, as well as really feel angry at him. I know it was before me and him were together so I have no logical or valid reason to get pissed off with him for it. That's what the logical side of my brain feels about it, but the irrational, emotional side of my brain just can't help but get routinely angry at him because of it. I know I'm being insane, but I just can't help getting worked up and irrational over the whole situation.

This problem has in some way influenced problem number 2: I've met a guy. Now I know you immediately think "oh, he's fucked a guy and feels guilty despite hating his boyfriend for shagging multiple birds before they were together". But no, that's not what's going on here. Close, but no.

When I first met this guy, he was very obviously flirting with me. Eventually it got to the point where he asked "Have you got a boyfriend?" Now you need to understand that I met this guy AFTER I'd only just found out about my boyfriend's sexcapades with half the town, and I'd stormed out like a *****, and gone down the pub to have a few drinks. So, rather without thinking about it all, when asked if I had a boyfriend I immediately found myself saying that I didn't.

Thing is...I find myself REALLY liking this guy. I keep catching myself thinking about him, and it's really starting to worry me. I'm really worried that with myself keeping talking to this guy, and keeping on thinking more and more about him, as well as being stupidly angry or pissed off with my boyfriend, as well as routinely randomly depressed over it too, I might end up doing something absolutely fucking stupid.

I don't...yeah I don't actually know what kind of advice I'm hoping to get here. Mostly this is just me venting like a bitching little teenager cause I don't have anywhere else to get this shit out, but if you have any possible advice to offer on the entire situation, it would be appreciated.

Communication is key. Be direct, and let him give you his side of the story. Also, tell him about this business with the other guy before that gets out of hand. DO NOT CHEAT!

All but one of the five relationships I have had have ended in the girl cheating on me. It has made me very bitter about the whole dating thing. So much so, that I forcibly repressed my sex drive until I bassically became an asexual, and I actively avoided relationships for three years. Needless to say, this is causing a lot of problems in my current romantic entanglement.

I don't really know where I was going with that last part. I guess it was to reinforce the whole "DO NOT CHEAT!" thing. Anyhow, I can tell I'm starting to ramble, so if you need to do some more venting, I've got an ear.

 

[rutger5000]

In advance my apologize for this lousy advice.
Shit, man. I don't know.
Talk though. Really that's the best thing always the best thing. Say you're confused. Also you kinda owe it to your boyfriend to tell him about this guy.