Ugh, Chess.

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Ancientgamer

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Chess is a crappy tactical turn based RPG developed by a dev team apparently consisting mainly of a bunch of monkeys.
Right away you'll notice Chess has no storyline. Instead, all you notice is the the White army and the Black army are fighting each other over a battlefield. Note the "a battlefield," because Chess only has one story map.
As for the actual combat, it's extremely dull. Each unit can kill another with only one hit. This means units with a real good movement ability dominate the field (more on that below). There aren't even any combat animations or anything that happens in combat. One unit moves on its space and "captures" it, and they piece is removed from the game with no form of action or special effects.


Yawn.


Chess has shitty class balance. The Queen is flat out overpowered while your actual front line units, the Pawns. can't do shit. I think the developers were afraid that no one would use the female character so they buffed up her abilities really high but now theres no point in using any other unit.
The rest of the units suck. Rooks can only move in 4 directions, same with Bishops. Boring. Also, whats up with the Knight? It has the most bizzare combat abilities of all the units? They're retardly hard to use cause they jump around like retards to move and attack. The devs should have named this unit Ninja, since Knights didn't jump around like that in real life.
Worst part, is the king. You see, the devs decided that if your king gets captured, you instantly lose the game. W-T-F? This wouldn't be a problem, except that he can't move for crap. Seriously, the most important unit in the game can only move 1 space a turn? Good luck keeping him alive while every other unit in the game dances around him.
Unbalanced classes, lackluster gameplay, and not to mention repetitive 1 hour+ games. Chess is not worth the time or your money. Buy Final Fantasy Tactics or WH40K Squad command instead.
 

Sassafrass

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Aug 24, 2009
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Umm...
Don't know whether to laugh or damn you to hell as I play chess from time to time.
Still, nice review of Chess.
 

jebbo

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Jul 17, 2009
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I enjoyed. Although I do actually enjoy the odd game of chess once in a while.
And no its not really satire, it's just pure sarcasm
 

Ancientgamer

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As I mentioned, chess could be greatly improved just by adding a few more maps, or at least patching the lame 1v1 gameplay like so:



 

Kadir

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Nov 20, 2009
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The single map it DOES come with is just a flat square grid. Booring.
 

jebbo

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vivaldiscool said:
As I mentioned, chess could be greatly improved just by adding a few more maps, or at least patching the lame 1v1 gameplay like so:

snip
Ha nice, I wanna see a giant cross shaped 4 player chess
 

ArcWinter

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May 9, 2009
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Chess is awesome! You kids these days... I know people who are adults and do not know how to play. Look at what you've done!

Okay, my head hurts, enough sarcasm for today.
 

Macgyvercas

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You think chess is boring?! Try this out for size!


Yeah, I like Star Trek!
 

Generator

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It made me laugh. I'm assuming that's what you were going for. And the patch actually looks kind of cool.
 

SquirrelPants

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MaxTheReaper said:
Oh, bullshit.

Real people have fought wars for the very same reason, I'll have you know!
"Well, you're too black!"
"Well, you're too white!"

And then everyone dies.
True, true...

Although, I have played quite a few games of chess, and I can't get into it. The multiplayer is nearly impossible, your enemies seem like they've been playing for years upon years, and they can anticipate any move you make. I honestly think it needs a better matchmaking system.
 

thiosk

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Add a little more profanity and offensive references to homosexuality, christianity, and furries and you'd have yourself an encyclopedia dramatica entry.
 

Heart of Darkness

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Jul 1, 2009
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jebbo said:
vivaldiscool said:
As I mentioned, chess could be greatly improved just by adding a few more maps, or at least patching the lame 1v1 gameplay like so:

snip
Ha nice, I wanna see a giant cross shaped 4 player chess

The four armies are white, black, gold, and silver (it's a little hard to tell in the picture). Yes, I have played this. No, I don't know how it's really supposed to be played.
 

Gmano

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Yeah, but it is balanced because the opponent has exactly the same units.

In addition, the game has had frequent updates since its invention, for instance, the queen used to be the worst unit.

I like chess. Yeah it is slow, yeah it has bad animations, but it is extremely quick to load and the multiplayer functionality is great, I have never experienced any lag (although, some of my opponents are really slow). In addition the game is so widely played you can go almost anywhere and find someone who is willing to play you.
 

jebbo

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Heart of Darkness said:
jebbo said:
vivaldiscool said:
As I mentioned, chess could be greatly improved just by adding a few more maps, or at least patching the lame 1v1 gameplay like so:

snip
Ha nice, I wanna see a giant cross shaped 4 player chess

The four armies are white, black, gold, and silver (it's a little hard to tell in the picture). Yes, I have played this. No, I don't know how it's really supposed to be played.
What would you prefer? Chocolate chip or macadamia nut?
 

Heart of Darkness

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Jul 1, 2009
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jebbo said:
Heart of Darkness said:
jebbo said:
vivaldiscool said:
As I mentioned, chess could be greatly improved just by adding a few more maps, or at least patching the lame 1v1 gameplay like so:

snip
Ha nice, I wanna see a giant cross shaped 4 player chess
-img snip-
The four armies are white, black, gold, and silver (it's a little hard to tell in the picture). Yes, I have played this. No, I don't know how it's really supposed to be played.
What would you prefer? Chocolate chip or macadamia nut?
Chocolate chip macadamia, actually. If I must choose...macadamia nut.