Vicious Cycle.

[Kurt Soderberg]

My dearest internet friends. I will call you all friends and no less, even if you detest.
I apologise as I know this is long and I don't want to take up your time

I'm a guy who's slowly learning life through and well if you were my teacher I be quite the class disappointment. I have no cohesion in my life, wishing to be alone yet wanting the social interaction and friends of everyday people. I think very rationally yet I also love the realm of irrationality. Love, the arts and fancy vases interest me as much as gaming, movies and technology. I always want to be self-sufficient I fear being a burden to any person.

I live in Singapore. A country that feels like a collective clash of thoughts and ways of life.
But the country feels very sexually frustrated to me and people feel like they been placed in sections/status. I have gaming friends who are very rational people they play games, only have friends who are gamers as well they are more critical of life and prefer more rational thinking and they make fun of say care-free socialites and I say care-free socialites in the broadest and vaguest of manner so forgive me as I am socially awkward. I get along with them well and have fun but I also desire the fun and less serious of the socialites nothing serious having fun doing lame things and I do have fun with these people but certain stupid things push me off and sometimes they can be rather mean or arrogant and this is where my rationality and irrationality clashes and is worse as I like the middle ground of people as much as the extremes.

I also just want to go crazy sometimes and go out partying and drinking but I also want to have a simple coffee at 3 in the morning at the local McDonald or a hardcore 5 hour gaming session. I fear the irrationality is because I lost a close best friend we were close friends, people teased us of being a couple and she a person who I loved. She was wild, free and she wanted me to get rid of my social anxiety and lower my guard, to stop so much critical thinking even though it was making her laugh with all my pessimistic jokes. She had the weirdest and unique thinking of life and I called her my Big Sis she would protect me and help me through tough physical and mental times but my ego and I guess uninteresting qualities led to her turning me down and that was hard.

I was sent to mental hospital for depression/attempting suicide and till now I think I still love her, she's moved on and I'm happy yet conflicted. Losing her was hard as my parents are divorced and I promised myself never to hurt any girl every like my father did to my mother and this guilt of causing pain and hurt to her and I always felt like I never made up or apologized even though we did do that in a counselling session. I never saw or heard from her again.

And so now it crashes into a mess, I feel like I should never be social because clearly what I did was horrible and no other girl or guy should face me, I feel like a horrible human. I'm starting to become frustrated with my current friends as I feel they don't take chances in life and they feel too monotonous so my current social life is collapsing as it is. Right now I want to meet everyone who viewed this post but I'm too scared, haunted and torn and now I don't know what type of people I like hanging out I like everyone but I also want to be self-sufficient I don't want to be bogged down by not letting a love go but it's overwhelming *sigh* I fear I really I don't know what I want and I'll end up alone regardless.

If you're in a situation like me or just a person doing great in your life, I want to say I care about you! because someone has to.

 

[Fiz_The_Toaster]

Well, as you've said, you're still learning about life, so I wouldn't count out anything at this point because something could happen still.

I would say just try something different every time because it does help in figuring things out, assuming that they're not harmful of course. You learn what certain things work and what don't, and you learn quickly what people you want to be around and who you don't.

Also, don't beat yourself up too hard about the past. I mean, how are you gonna live for the present and future if you keep getting yourself stuck back in the past? I'm not saying you should ignore it, but don't obsess over it. You can always talk to a professional if there are things that just aren't working out.

Hang in there OP!

 

[Kurt Soderberg]

Thanks dear chap for replying.
I understand what you mean of course, and maybe I just haven't been looking or actually trying to look around. The world scares me a bit

Maybe I'm asking too much from people, I just want to really give cause right now I feel like all I ever done in my life is ruin and take away from people. I'm not gunning for a relationship just some simple friends who for once would actually say something if I ever felt down. Only got 2 friends and some classmates and they keep quiet mostly.

Again I probably am asking too much from people, my urge of self-sufficiency is taking over my loneliness now. I actually did talk to professionals and they seem too grandiosely straight forward enough for me to understand but not abstract enough for my irrational side to agree on and the naivety beings all over again.

I can go on for a few days without thinking about the past but the last counselling session with her haunts me. I never knew that the no-speaking to each other contract till exams are over that the counsellor made me and her promise would literally end my friendship then and there. Abrupt endings are the hardest.

 

[Fiz_The_Toaster]

Thanks dear chap for replying.
I understand what you mean of course, and maybe I just haven't been looking or actually trying to look around. The world scares me a bit

Maybe I'm asking too much from people, I just want to really give cause right now I feel like all I ever done in my life is ruin and take away from people. I'm not gunning for a relationship just some simple friends who for once would actually say something if I ever felt down. Only got 2 friends and some classmates and they keep quiet mostly.

Again I probably am asking too much from people, my urge of self-sufficiency is taking over my loneliness now. I actually did talk to professionals and they seem too grandiosely straight forward enough for me to understand but not abstract enough for my irrational side to agree on and the naivety beings all over again.

I can go on for a few days without thinking about the past but the last counselling session with her haunts me. I never knew that the no-speaking to each other contract till exams are over that the counsellor made me and her promise would literally end my friendship then and there. Abrupt endings are the hardest.

You're welcome!

Maybe, maybe not. Finding good friends take time and effort, and you're going to have to wade through a lot of bad ones before you can find the really special ones. While it may seem like it's taking way too long to find someone, just know it's totally worth it. It took years for me to find the friends that I have now, and I wouldn't give anything in the world to give them up. So, patience my young padawan.

Sadly, ending friendships are going to take the longest to "get over". You never are, but at some point you're gonna think back on it and it won't sting as much as it used to, hopefully anyways. I've had friendships like that that didn't end well, and when I think about it now it's not as painful as it was then, but it still sucks. I don't know what you're asking for in friends, but I'm assuming it's not too much, again it's gonna take time. It shouldn't be something to rush into or give up and losing all hope in finding people.

I've never had experience with professionals, so I really can't comment on that other than I know it works for some people and not so much for others. So maybe you just need to figure things out on your own before you know what to ask for in life. Just a though, but I hope I've helped in some way.