Videogame plots as newspaper headlines

[TheOneBearded]

"Slave obeyed. Rapture's finest found dead."

"Garrus declares his favorite spot on the Citadel. Turn to page 6 for the location."

"Courier found making many visits to The Thorn. Loves the action? In it for the fights? Red Lucy's boytoy? Flip to page 4 to find out."

"Warrior kills the dragon god of destruction. Goes back to living in a life of plundering to make ends meet. Turn to page 7 to find out what went wrong."

"Giant cuddlefish machine attacks the Citadel. Possible geth construct? Is it a Lovecraftian's wet dream? Read to get the scoop before C-Sec takes us down."


Subscribe to get the previous papers with articles such as:
"How I married a synthetic construct - The Joker's Tale"

"Mr. House and me."

and who can forget our award-winning piece
"Honey, I sunk Jacinto."

 

[The_Waspman]

Even though I've been partly ninja'd...

Giant Space Robots invade Earth. Humanity's choices limited.

 

[Tohron]

Order Offensive Defeats Empire Cruisers, Alliance Fleet Repulses Swarm Frigate Rush, Over 500 Additional Engagements in Past Week

 

[alwaysrockon]

"Model in threesome with boyfriend, llama."

Ok, rather obscure.

vampire masquerade!!!

great game, haha.

 

[paislyabmj]

mrs Sunderland found dead.husband James "slightly disturbed".

 

[The Funslinger]

Homo-Erotic, Balloon Armed Space Marines Massacre Alien Horde.
Subtitle: Sources report lots of grunting and testosterone.

Gears of War.

Physicist Acquires Crowbar. Immediately Shames Military Commandos.

Half Life.

 

[TerribleAssassin]

A soldier gathers enough resources, soldiers and support to defeat an ancient threat. Earthlings are left unsatisfied.

OH SNAP!

 

[IrateDonnie]

43 young girls found murdered in city under the Atlantic....more at 11

 

[eggy32]

"Man stops villain, saves world."

 

[Secret world leader (shhh)]

"Notorious smuggler sentenced to carbonite freezing, dances in defence."

 

[aegix drakan_v1legacy]

Local population of third world planet found massacred by band of mercenaries. Perpetrators claim "There ain't no rest for the wicked!" ~ Borderlands

 

[unstabLized]

Adam Jensen responds to media outrage, "I didn't ask for this".

Third Street Saints leader punches camera man while dressed as a cheerleader.

Daniel *insert last name*, who recently escaped from the dark castle, told of the following: "I don't know why people don't just climb down. Alexander can keep his castle."

 

[GamerAddict7796]

"Man leaves Vault and his son follows!" - Fallout 3
"Man woke up in some doctor's house. People shocked he survived!" - New Vegas
"Lone Courier walks into the Top casino, kills owner + 3 guards" - Ditto
"Sole surviving Dragonborn saves the world. No-one gives a shit" - Skyrim

 

[The Almighty Grigard]

Hordes of zombies escape poorly run asylum, claims they are fulfilling the fate of the undead.

Spoiler: Click for answer.

Dark Souls

Heh, this was fun!.

Lone hero prevents Nuclear Catastrophe: THE TRUE EVENTS OF GROSNYJ GRAD.

Awh man. The ending of that game nearly got me crying. Damn that final battle in the meadow with the flowers was grand. One of the few times that the word "epic" might not be so damn misused.

 

[nuba km]

'group of 4 mercenaries steal ALL the guns'
'man with amnesia wakes up in a field and starts punching sheep, pigs, cows and tree's to death'
'italian plumber charged with multipal breaking and entering charges'

 

[spartandude]

"Criminal escapes prison, last seen with emporer shortly before assassination"

"Mud crabs more fearsome than hero of Cyrodill"

"Emporer prevents oblivion from invading forever, page 5 says why they didnt do this before"

"Guards develope pyskick communication to track down criminals, good idea or just plain weird?"

-Black Horse Courier

 

[OblivionSoul]

"Local man wins mansion in lottery, claims he didn't even buy a ticket" - Luigi's Mansion

"Commander Shepard: Future of humanity, or insane rogue agent?" - Mass Effect 3

"Boy fired from pirate ship catapult survives, claims talking boat saved him" -Legend of Zelda: Wind Waker

 

[repeating integers]

"War wages on in the middle east"

OH WAIT

I'm not sure if that's clever or lazy, but I lol'd, so well done.

OT: Man clips into wall, presumed dead

 

[The Funslinger]

I doubt anyone will get this...

Cat Emperor Throws Martial Arts Tournament For Mining Rights. Mining Robot Allowed to Compete.

 

[spartandude]

"Criminal escapes prison, last seen with emporer shortly before assassination"

"Mud crabs more fearsome than hero of Cyrodill"

"Emporer prevents oblivion from invading forever, page 5 says why they didnt do this before"

"Guards develope pyskick communication to track down criminals, good idea or just plain weird?"

-Black Horse Courier