Views on Adoption

[JayElleBee]

So I was reading a thread just now about a custody battle over a little girl who was kidnapped and I noticed that quite a few people seemed heavily biased towards the biological mother simply because she was the biological mother (not counting the people who were biased towards her due to the kidnapping issue). I also saw a lot of comments referring to the biological mother as the 'real' mother.

When I'm ready to start a family I intend to do so via adoption, so naturally peoples' attitudes towards the adoptive family and the birth mother were of interest to me. That thread, however, wasn't really the place to find out about people's opinions on adoption since the one in question wasn't exactly a typical case.

So I decided to make this thread to ask a few general questions:

1) In the case of an entirely legal and above board adoption, if the biological parents tried to reclaim the child, who would you support?

2) What are your thoughts on interracial adoption (white parents adopting black children, etc)?

3) What are your thoughts on same-sex couples adopting?

4) Would you ever consider adopting a child? If so, would you only adopt a child below a certain age, or might you consider adopting an older child, or even a teenager? What about a child with disabilities?

5) Are you/have you adopted or do you know someone who has been adopted? If you're comfortable doing so, would you share your story?

And if it all possible, let's not discuss the case I mentioned above. There's already a thread for that.

 

[Luna]

There may or may not be some sort of legitimate genetic reason for a child to be taken care of by its genetic mother, but I think a lot of the people who thought she should get the kid were simply doing it as an emotional response rather than in response to actual science that would suggest that it is better for a child to be taken care of by its real mother.

1) A contract is a contract. They should have thought about wanting the kid back before they put it up for adoption. Now they should just live with it IMO

2) Inter-racial adoption? Sure.

3) I don't know about same sex coupling. Maybe its better for a child to have a masculine and a feminine role model rather than 2 masculine, (lesbians) or 2 feminine, (gay guys), parents. However this all relies on the notion that gay guys act like women and gay women act like men outside the bedroom but I'm really unsure on this one and certainly don't hold the opinion that gays shouldn't be allowed to adopt due to not being educated enough on the matter.

4) If I couldn't have a kid I might adopt one.

5) I have literally zero stories at all on this subject.

 

[Jonluw]

1) In the case of an entirely legal and above board adoption, if the biological parents tried to reclaim the child, who would you support?
Depends on the particulars of the case. If the child has already been raised with its adoptive parents, I'd support the adoptive parents. If the biological parents are changing their minds pretty rapidly after birth, I'd go with the biological parents.

2) What are your thoughts on interracial adoption (white parents adopting black children, etc)?
Couldn't give less of a fuck. Adopt whomever you like.

3) What are your thoughts on same-sex couples adopting?
I think it's a heinous crime against God and nature that we are being forced to tolerate because of political correctness.
Okay, I'm just joking.
I don't care who you like to bone and I don't think it has a reasonable impact on your ability to raise a child.

4) Would you ever consider adopting a child? If so, would you only adopt a child below a certain age, or might you consider adopting an older child, or even a teenager? What about a child with disabilities?
I'm not particularly keen on adopting. If I find out I want a child at some point, I assume it will because I feel the need to keep part of me going. You know, biological stuff.
I could be okay with adopting an older child though, as it would feel more as if I'm a foster parent helping the child rather than trying to raise it as my own.

5) Are you/have you adopted or do you know someone who has been adopted? If you're comfortable doing so, would you share your story?
Well, I know this one dude who's Indian with a very dark brown skin and white parents. He might be adopted.
For the record: He's doing fine and is a good reason for me to give the answer I do to #2

 

[Zhukov]

1) I'd support the adopted parents, blood be damned. Taking a child away from the parents it's grown up with is not a good idea.

2) Nothing against it. What's the worst that could happen beyond getting a few awkward looks from passers by?

3) All for it. The only problem I see is that it could lead to the kid being picked on. Let's face it, there are plenty of places where a kid with two dads would find themselves an instant pariah.

4) I guess so. If I wanted kids and was unable to obtain them via conventional means then adoption would certainly be on the cards. However, there's no way I would take on a disabled kid. Maybe that makes me a horrible person, but I've known parent with disabled kids and it's not something I would ever willingly put myself through.

5) Well, I'm not adopted (... or am I? *Gasp*). I've known people who were but as far as I am aware it was never a 'big thing' for any of them.

 

[Jonluw]

3) I don't know about same sex coupling. Maybe its better for a child to have a masculine and a feminine role model rather than 2 masculine, (lesbians) or 2 feminine, (gay guys), parents. However this all relies on the notion that gay guys act like women and gay women act like men outside the bedroom but I'm really unsure on this one and certainly don't hold the opinion that gays shouldn't be allowed to adopt due to not being educated enough on the matter.

What I really think you should ask yourself is this:
Would being raised by two gays - even if their ability to bring up children was slightly poorer - be worse for the child than staying at whatever place it's being adopted from?

 

[JayElleBee]

3) I don't know about same sex coupling. Maybe its better for a child to have a masculine and a feminine role model rather than 2 masculine, (lesbians) or 2 feminine, (gay guys), parents. However this all relies on the notion that gay guys act like women and gay women act like men outside the bedroom but I'm really unsure on this one and certainly don't hold the opinion that gays shouldn't be allowed to adopt due to not being educated enough on the matter.

Just thought I'd point out that gay men aren't necessarily effeminate and gay women aren't necessarily butch. And I've always found that silly anyway. I was a raised by a single mother (and all of my male role models have been unstable at best) and I turned out fine.

Even if it was necessary for children to have a male and a female role model, there are teachers and grand parents and aunts and uncles and, more commonly these days, the birth parents.

 

[Luna]

3) I don't know about same sex coupling. Maybe its better for a child to have a masculine and a feminine role model rather than 2 masculine, (lesbians) or 2 feminine, (gay guys), parents. However this all relies on the notion that gay guys act like women and gay women act like men outside the bedroom but I'm really unsure on this one and certainly don't hold the opinion that gays shouldn't be allowed to adopt due to not being educated enough on the matter.

What I really think you should ask yourself is this:
Would being raised by two gays - even if their ability to bring up children was slightly poorer - be worse for the child than staying at whatever place it's being adopted from?

Maybe. I don't know enough on the matter to say anything for sure.

If a gay couple didn't adopt the kid then maybe a straight couple would. This might be better for the kid, or maybe it won't.

3) I don't know about same sex coupling. Maybe its better for a child to have a masculine and a feminine role model rather than 2 masculine, (lesbians) or 2 feminine, (gay guys), parents. However this all relies on the notion that gay guys act like women and gay women act like men outside the bedroom but I'm really unsure on this one and certainly don't hold the opinion that gays shouldn't be allowed to adopt due to not being educated enough on the matter.

Just thought I'd point out that gay men aren't necessarily effeminate and gay women aren't necessarily butch. And I've always found that silly anyway. I was a raised by a single mother (and all of my male role models have been unstable at best) and I turned out fine.

Even if it was necessary for children to have a male and a female role model, there are teachers and grand parents and aunts and uncles and, more commonly these days, the birth parents.

Righto. There are certainly a lot of factors involved.

 

[JoJo]

1) Once the adoption is signed, the biological parents have forfeited their rights, with the only exception if the biological parents have just been cleared of abuse or another crime that had their kids taken away from them

2) and 3) No objects to either interracial or same-sex adoption, especially when the alternative is a childhood in an unloving children's home. Anyone decent can raise a kid

4) Potentially yes, or maybe fostering when my hypothetical biological children leave home, since I get on well with children and have experience working with them in the past

 

[Dragonclaw]

I think it depends. I will qualify this by saying that I have a friend in a simillar situation to the "Baby Emma" case in Utah. There are adoption agencies in Utah that purposely commit fraud trying to keep out of state biological fathers in the dark long enough for their state's limitations on when to contest to lapse. It's a horrifying situation that should not be allowed, especially in cases where it is proven that the lawyers and the adoptive parents knew full well that the father wants to be involved and is willing to take custody if the mother does not want to. Truly a sickening situation.

1. If both parents agree to give a child up for adoption than I absolutely side with the adoptive parents.

2. I have no issues with inter-ratial adoption, though I do think that there are so many children in our country that could use a good parent and are stuck in the system that adopting from other countries is a waste iMHO and a shame for the kids at home that are just as needy.

3. For ME this one is trickier because of my own experiences. My ex wife was raised by two mothers...the absolute sterotype of "man hating ultra butch lesbians", unfortunately they made no bones about how badly my wife dissapointed them by being straight. She always had difficulty in relationships because of the constant dissaproval of her sexuality from her moms. We went 4 years and having a child and they still never even acknowledged me. I was "what's his name" (one of their NICER nicknames for me), they were also upset that we had a son...who they also refused to acknowledge as they obviously would have prefferred a grand-daughter. But the pull of parents is a hard one to overcome and when her biological mother died the guilt sent our relationship into a tailspin that no ammount of therapy was able to undo. Her last conversation with her mom was an argument about why she wouldn't just leave me (we were doing FINE) and settle down with a nice woman. Yes, I KNOW it's not much different than a family upset over having a gay child and being just as abusive...but that is not my experience and in the end it's our experiences that shape our views...I still love my ex, but I've seen her for the last 25 years and gotten a front row seat for how what her parents did to her has gotten in the way of her ever being happy. She is still straight, but always has that guilt that pretty much ensures that her relationships just don't last. I hate how it affects her and absolutely hate how it affects our son as he sees his mom flounder in bad relationships. Thankfully he can also see dad in a stable relationship and I hope my wife and I (we've been together for 10 years now) are setting a good example.

4. I would absolutely consider it if we wanted another child. I'll go out on a selfish limb though and say that while age is not important I would hesitate to adopt a child that was disabled. My best freind has 2 boys that have severe autism and I see how hard he struggles with it. I just don't think I'd deal with it very well and that wouldn't be fair to the child.

5. My sister is adopted MY parents couldn't have another child on their own because of some complications my mom had (well after I was born). They adopted for all the wrong reasons...thought it would save their struggling marriage, and in all honesty it worked for a time. She was only 14 months old when she came into our lives (I was 12) and had a pretty tough first year before coming to us. My parents went the foster-adopt route and she was actually the first child placed with us. They adopted once the parents both signed their rights away and had met with each other a few times so they knew my sister would be in a good home. It may have been for the wrong reasons but I love my sister and couldn't be happier that my parents adopted her.

 

[StriderShinryu]

1) In the case of an entirely legal and above board adoption, if the biological parents tried to reclaim the child, who would you support?

Given a legal adoption, I think the adoptive parents should have the largest say. Honestly, I doubt many would have issue with the child reconnecting with their birth parents but they do have legal custody so the child should remain with them. Of course, if the child is old enough they should also have a say in the situation.

2) What are your thoughts on interracial adoption (white parents adopting black children, etc)?

I have no issue with it at all but I do feel that there should be attention paid by the adoptive parents to the heritage of the child in question. Respect should absolutely be paid to the childs heritage and the adoptive parents do need to bear in mind that the child may encounter difficulties fitting in as they develop. Most children are pretty smart and resilient, but that wouldn't make taunting and teasing on the schoolyard about things like not looking the same as your mom and dad any easier.

3) What are your thoughts on same-sex couples adopting?

Pretty much the same as above. No issue with it as long as the parents realize that there may be some unique difficulties faced by the child as they grow that goes beyond just the already potentially confusing situation of being adopted.

4) Would you ever consider adopting a child? If so, would you only adopt a child below a certain age, or might you consider adopting an older child, or even a teenager? What about a child with disabilities?

I would absolutely consider adopting. I'd probably prefer a younger child or even baby as opposed to an older child. Also, call me selfish if you like, but I really don't think I would choose a child with disabilities.

5) Are you/have you adopted or do you know someone who has been adopted? If you're comfortable doing so, would you share your story?

Nothing much to share here. Once they were older, my grandparents did foster a number of children, including some of different races and some with developmental difficulties (ADHD, mildly violent tendencies, fetal alcohol syndrome, etc.). It was both tremendously rewarding and trying for them, but it was also generally more in the short term than the sort of dedicated long term situation you find with actual adoption.

 

[Esotera]

Kill all orphans



1) Adoptive parents, why should the biological parents be trusted after giving their child up?

2) Go for it.

3) Go for it.

4) Probably not, as I don't really want kids anyway.

5) A couple of my friends were adopted, and they're relatively normal compared to me, so I suppose adoption is a good thing (sounds like a Miss America cliche, but true).

 

[JayElleBee]

3. Snip.

Eee. You never really hear about it going the other way. :/ I imagine her parents probably had a difficult time when they came out, so you'd think they'd know better than to give their own daughter a hard time about her sexuality. I'd like to think that they'd be a minority though.

And just a personal note on the disabilities issue - I don't think anyone is selfish for saying they wouldn't adopt a child with disabilities. I wouldn't either. I know I'm not the kind of person with the right mindset to deal with something like that and personally I think it would be unfair on the child to be placed with people who would be incapable of giving them the kind of care they need.

 

[Esotera]

Maybe they gave it up because they couldn't afford to raise it properly? Not everyone who gives up a child for adoption does so for reasons that would make it wrong to trust them with a child you know.

Fair enough, I hadn't considered that. It makes it a bit harder as a decision, but I think at the end of the day it'd be worse to involuntarily take the child from adoptive parents, to give to the adoptive parents. Whatever the financial situation of the biological parents is, at the end of the day the adoptive parents have taken the decision to raise a child that could not be adequately cared for at the time.

 

[Melon Hunter]

1) In the case of an entirely legal and above board adoption, if the biological parents tried to reclaim the child, who would you support?

The adoptive parents. Adoption isn't something taken on lightly; you're given months during the pregnancy to think it through, and whether it'll be right for both parents and child. Once you've signed the child away, then they're no longer legally your child. I can understand trying to get in contact, but actually taking them back is a step too far. In most cases, there was a good reason why the child wasn't raised by their biological parents in the first place.

2) What are your thoughts on interracial adoption (white parents adopting black children, etc)?

I really don't have a problem with it. Of course, it'll take a bit of careful explanation to the child and also other children their age as to why Mummy and Daddy look different to them, but the alternative is only allowing children to be adopted by parents of the same ethnicity. We have that policy at the minute in the UK, and it's dragging adoption rates down to unacceptable levels.

3) What are your thoughts on same-sex couples adopting?

Again, no problem, as long as they can demonstrate that they can provide a loving and supportive home for the child, just like anyone else entering the adoption process. I've never had much truck with the idea that a heterosexual couple are automatically better than a homosexual couple at raising a child.

4) Would you ever consider adopting a child? If so, would you only adopt a child below a certain age, or might you consider adopting an older child, or even a teenager? What about a child with disabilities?

Doubtful. If it turned out my partner and/or I were infertile, I'd probably turn to IVF. As much as I support it, adoption just has too many strings attached for me to be comfortable with; possibly having to keep the child in contact with their birth parents, and the inevitable revelation that they're not 'yours'... no, I don't think I could do that.

5) Are you/have you adopted or do you know someone who has been adopted? If you're comfortable doing so, would you share your story?

My aunt and uncle adopted two children, a boy back in 1997 and a girl in 2000, both when they were toddlers. And the thing is, I had to think hard for a moment that they actually were adopted. They've been around for so long, it feels bizarre to think of them as having come from somewhere else; as far as I'm concerned, they've always been my cousins.

They both came from pretty rough families; I think they both have siblings and half-siblings in the double digits, and I'm pretty sure the parents are off-limits; only the grandparents are allowed to see them (which they do, they're lovely people). But yeah, while they drove me up the wall when we were all younger, I can't imagine life without them nowadays.

 

[Supertegwyn]

1. Adoptive family.
2. Fine, as long as they can take care of the child
3. Fine, as long as they can take care of the child
4. Only if we can't conceive.
5. Don't know anybody who was adopted.

 

[TehCookie]

1) Adoptive family, they're the ones taking care of eachother. Blood doesn't mean anything, it's your relationships that matter.

2) People are people, caring for a child of a different race is less weird than caring for a different species but everyone's fine with pets (peta doesn't count).

3) Great, they save a kid and can't make anymore.

4) I'd wouldn't adopt, I would never care for a kid. If I magically did want one I would rather adopt over childbirth.

5) Nope.

 

[Colour Scientist]

1. If it's all above board then they should stay with the adoptive parents but visitation or some form of contact should be established if both parties are willing. 2. Should never be an issue.
3. See 2.
4. I would turn to adoption if I had run out of options to conceive my own child. It's a long and often painful process.
5. Two of my friend's aunts had to adopt. I live in Ireland and they adopted three children between them, one from china, one from Russia and one from Africa. They're infertile so it was their only option and it took a very long time for both of them, as in years, and a lot of therapy. Their children are taught a lot about their own heritage, it's encouraged by the agencies. Absolutely adorable kids though.

 

[WolfThomas]

1) In the case of an entirely legal and above board adoption, if the biological parents tried to reclaim the child, who would you support?Adoptive family.

2) What are your thoughts on interracial adoption (white parents adopting black children, etc)? Perfectly fine.

3) What are your thoughts on same-sex couples adopting?Perfectly fine.

4) Would you ever consider adopting a child? If so, would you only adopt a child below a certain age, or might you consider adopting an older child, or even a teenager? What about a child with disabilities?Yes. Probably a younger child, not an older one. Depends on the disability, I'm not sure how selfless I could be.

5) Are you/have you adopted or do you know someone who has been adopted? If you're comfortable doing so, would you share your story?Don't really know anyone.

 

[Dags90]

1) In the case of an entirely legal and above board adoption, if the biological parents tried to reclaim the child, who would you support?

Adoptive parents. Actual adoptions are legally binding, and are often a long and expensive processes for adoptive parents. The idea that it could be undone after-the-fact on the whim of a biological parent would further discourage adoption.

2) What are your thoughts on interracial adoption (white parents adopting black children, etc)?
Fine with it.

3) What are your thoughts on same-sex couples adopting?
Don't see why it's an issue.

4) Would you ever consider adopting a child? If so, would you only adopt a child below a certain age, or might you consider adopting an older child, or even a teenager? What about a child with disabilities?
Eh, maybe later. I'm not exactly in the age range to even really begin thinking about children. I don't have any particular desire to raise children, but that may change and I'm not really opposed to the idea. I'd probably be open to an older child, but not really much older than 7 or so.

5) Are you/have you adopted or do you know someone who has been adopted? If you're comfortable doing so, would you share your story?
A couple of people in family are adopted. My grandparents adopted both their children (including my mother), and two of my cousins are adopted.

 

[razer17]

1) In the case of an entirely legal and above board adoption, if the biological parents tried to reclaim the child, who would you support?

In an entirely legal adoption I would back the adoptive parents. The biological parents chose to give up their child, and so the adoptive parents shouldn't be punished for them changing their mind.

2) What are your thoughts on interracial adoption (white parents adopting black children, etc)?

I think it's fine, especially where I live. Racial discrimination is lessening everyday, and most people are accepting of inter-racial couples and such now.

[quote3) What are your thoughts on same-sex couples adopting?[/quote] I have never seen any evidence that gays make worse parents, and don't think I ever will. Gays are just as likely to be good or bad parents as a straight couple. And again, the social stigma is lessening, so it is easier for the child.

4) Would you ever consider adopting a child? If so, would you only adopt a child below a certain age, or might you consider adopting an older child, or even a teenager? What about a child with disabilities?

I do want kids, but I would prefer to have my own when the time comes. However, if that isn't an option, and me and my girlfriend/wife can't concieve through normal means, adoption would be something I'd be open to. If I did adopt, I'd probably want a younger child, at least younger than 2.