Was this a good decision?

[Flamezdudes]

I'm beginning to wonder now if my decision to break up with my girlfriend a month ago was right. To give you the reasons as to why I broke up with her well...

. She was 99% unhappy all the time or depressed or stressed.
. She complained all the time about her problems with school, family, friends and herself.
. She didn't appreciate anything I did to try to help.
. As a playful sort of thing she would insult me a lot which was okay but it can go overboard and she may do it too much which really just annoyed me when it went to far or happened too much.

I was only ever really sure if I wanted to be with her when I was just hanging with her and she would be happy. Conversation was growing stale and we didn't really have anything in common anyway but those bulletpoints were really the main reasons.

But the thing is I do have some feelings for her and I think about her everyday, maybe not much or all day but I will. I still have to see her everyday at school and she has decided to not talk to me or be my friend and so has blocked me online too.

My friend Simon who talks to her, tells me that she thinks she probably didn't smile enough or appreciate me enough and that I was basically the one person she could rely on for months for moral guidance and comfort and so this has hurt her deeply. It was mostly fine during the summer when we were together but awhile after we started Sixth Form I started feeling these problems.

So honestly, do you guys/girls think I made the right decision? What are your thoughts on this? I really need some answers, please.

 

[Robert632]

Yes. You were unsatisfied with the relationship, so you should have no reason to be with her.

 

[SckizoBoy]

To be honest, I don't think anyone can really answer that except yourself.

What do you feel, right now, about this girl? And I mean, really think about your answer.

While you're thinking about that, I'll give you my two cents' worth. What really jumped out at me was 'conversation was growing stale'. Should two people be 'right' (regardless of level, but be 'right' anyway) for each other, 'stale conversation' never enters the picture. It sounds as though you kind of forced yourself to talk to her and (though this goes both ways) should you have genuinely liked each other, the absence of conversation should not have been a problem. Being comfortable with each other's silence is, IMO, a good indicator for the strength of a relationship.

On the whole, I think you did do the right thing in stepping back from the relationship, but I think you went too far in breaking up with her. Getting her to talk about her issues and 'pausing' the relationship would've been better, as opposed to outright stopping it.

...

*shrug* My condolences either way...

 

[Flamezdudes]

To be honest, I don't think anyone can really answer that except yourself.

What do you feel, right now, about this girl? And I mean, really think about your answer.

While you're thinking about that, I'll give you my two cents' worth. What really jumped out at me was 'conversation was growing stale'. Should two people be 'right' (regardless of level, but be 'right' anyway) for each other, 'stale conversation' never enters the picture. It sounds as though you kind of forced yourself to talk to her and (though this goes both ways) should you have genuinely liked each other, the absence of conversation should not have been a problem. Being comfortable with each other's silence is, IMO, a good indicator for the strength of a relationship.

On the whole, I think you did do the right thing in stepping back from the relationship, but I think you went too far in breaking up with her. Getting her to talk about her issues and 'pausing' the relationship would've been better, as opposed to outright stopping it.

...

*shrug* My condolences either way...

Thank you very much.

I have been thinking recently that perhaps I got scared and went too far with breaking up with her instead of just talking it out with her. I think i've got this idea of a perfect girlfriend in my head that I really need to get rid of.

And by stale conversation, its usually online where our conversations got to be quite boring with just small bits of conversation and sometimes something to talk about. When we were together in person it was better I think though... *shrug*

Deep down, I do have feelings for her which is difficult when seeing her everyday. But since we haven't been together for over a month, on the whole I haven't been going crazy and haven't even cried, its only recently that i've gotten really worried and little bit depressed. I don't think about her all day though, only a little.

I'm just worrying that maybe its just withdrawel (?) from her that is making me suddenly feel this way. I'm not entirely sure what you mean though, since you said you think it was right I stepped out of the relationship and yet it was wrong that I broke up with her...? Could you clarify please? Thanks.

EDIT: How do you even "pause" a relationship anyway? O.O

 

[SckizoBoy]

I'm just worrying that maybe its just withdrawel (?) from her that is making me suddenly feel this way.

Perhaps it is. Given that you've just entered sixth form, was she your first girlfriend?

If so, the first breakup can be a strange experience (both in and of itself and dealing with it after).

I'm not entirely sure what you mean though, since you said you think it was right I stepped out of the relationship and yet it was wrong that I broke up with her...? Could you clarify please? Thanks.

EDIT: How do you even "pause" a relationship anyway? O.O

Ah, that's a difficult concept to explain... or not as the case may be for some people. What I mean is that you're a couple (after a fashion), but you're not dating. Confused? Sorry, I'll try again. Sometimes, a couple will go through hard times, and if they can muscle through it, then that's great. But there are those occasions that really strain a relationship, but because they love each other, they don't want to ruin what may become of it by breaking up. Instead, they agree to revert to 'close-friend' status and try to help each other with their respective problems/issues until they regain that emotional state when they realise why they love each other. Hmmm... I don't seem to be explaining myself very well...

Unfortunately, I can't really illustrate what I mean without giving an anecdote... one that I don't really want to give. Sorry... :/

 

[Flamezdudes]

I'm just worrying that maybe its just withdrawel (?) from her that is making me suddenly feel this way.

Perhaps it is. Given that you've just entered sixth form, was she your first girlfriend?

If so, the first breakup can be a strange experience (both in and of itself and dealing with it after).

I'm not entirely sure what you mean though, since you said you think it was right I stepped out of the relationship and yet it was wrong that I broke up with her...? Could you clarify please? Thanks.

EDIT: How do you even "pause" a relationship anyway? O.O

Ah, that's a difficult concept to explain... or not as the case may be for some people. What I mean is that you're a couple (after a fashion), but you're not dating. Confused? Sorry, I'll try again. Sometimes, a couple will go through hard times, and if they can muscle through it, then that's great. But there are those occasions that really strain a relationship, but because they love each other, they don't want to ruin what may become of it by breaking up. Instead, they agree to revert to 'close-friend' status and try to help each other with their respective problems/issues until they regain that emotional state when they realise why they love each other. Hmmm... I don't seem to be explaining myself very well...

Unfortunately, I can't really illustrate what I mean without giving an anecdote... one that I don't really want to give. Sorry... :/

Ah I see, its fine. Thanks though.

And yes, this was my first relationship. We started the relationship around the end of May and this is a whole new thing to me.

 

[Giftfromme]

Meh she had to go. There are plenty more fish in the sea and it was a good decision

 

[xmbts]

Sounds like you're afraid that by breaking up you removed yourself as a support structure, and that might be true.

However when you're trying to be there for somebody and it starts to hurt you, physically or emotionally, it's not good for you or them, it isn't an easy decision but you saved yourself from a harmful relationship and possibly her from the result of that relationship down the line.

 

[Flamezdudes]

Sounds like you're afraid that by breaking up you removed yourself as a support structure, and that might be true.

However when you're trying to be there for somebody and it starts to hurt you, physically or emotionally, it's not good for you, it isn't an easy decision but you saved yourself from a harmful relationship and possibly her from the result of that relationship down the line.

Yeah, that fact that she was unhappy a lot started to have a large effect on me and was just making me unhappy too.

 

[xmbts]

Sounds like you're afraid that by breaking up you removed yourself as a support structure, and that might be true.

However when you're trying to be there for somebody and it starts to hurt you, physically or emotionally, it's not good for you, it isn't an easy decision but you saved yourself from a harmful relationship and possibly her from the result of that relationship down the line.

Yeah, that fact that she was unhappy a lot started to have a large effect on me and was just making me unhappy too.

Exactly, it's easy to let something like that make you spiteful and from there it can become a passive aggressive atmosphere that isn't good for anybody.

 

[Flamezdudes]

Sounds like you're afraid that by breaking up you removed yourself as a support structure, and that might be true.

However when you're trying to be there for somebody and it starts to hurt you, physically or emotionally, it's not good for you, it isn't an easy decision but you saved yourself from a harmful relationship and possibly her from the result of that relationship down the line.

Yeah, that fact that she was unhappy a lot started to have a large effect on me and was just making me unhappy too.

Exactly, it's easy to let something like that make you spiteful and from there it can become a passive aggressive atmosphere that isn't good for anybody.

I can think of many a time when i've wanted to just tell her that she should just quit worrying about everything and that her life isn't that bad but I never rose to it since I know she would just get upset at me because she is incredibly sensitive.

For example: At one time she thought I was annoyed with her and she thought we were having an argument (I wasn't annoyed and it wasn't an argument) and she just started to cry.

I can only imagine what this break up would of done to her...

 

[xmbts]

Sounds like you're afraid that by breaking up you removed yourself as a support structure, and that might be true.

However when you're trying to be there for somebody and it starts to hurt you, physically or emotionally, it's not good for you, it isn't an easy decision but you saved yourself from a harmful relationship and possibly her from the result of that relationship down the line.

Yeah, that fact that she was unhappy a lot started to have a large effect on me and was just making me unhappy too.

Exactly, it's easy to let something like that make you spiteful and from there it can become a passive aggressive atmosphere that isn't good for anybody.

I can think of many a time when i've wanted to just tell her that she should just quit worrying about everything and that her life isn't that bad but I never rose to it since I know she would just get upset at me because she is incredibly sensitive.

For example: At one time she thought I was annoyed with her and she thought we were having an argument (I wasn't annoyed and it wasn't an argument) and she just started to cry.

I can only imagine what this break up would of done to her...

No easy way to go about it, but pretending to be happy with a relationship when you aren't will hurt both of you in the long run, and from what you said it seems like you had a hard time talking with her about these difficulties.

It hurts both of you now, but from where I stand this seems to be the best option for both of you.

Perhaps after she's had some time to cool off you can try and talk with her about how you feel, it might help both of you.

Though that's up to you, you know more about it then I do.

 

[alandavidson]

Snip

First relationships are always tough when they're over. It took me a long time to get over my first girlfriend, so I understand. With everything that you listed that was wrong with the relationship, you made the right move. There's no sense in being miserable.

 

[tharglet]

Sounds like she needs a councillor more than a lover tbh. A lot of those things are prolly tied together with depression. The insulty thing is most likely a coping mechanism, and she probably wasn't really aware she'd gone too far. (I've been known to do it lol... but I know I'm doing it).

I think you're probably right to break up with her - otherwise you end up dragged down in it, and probably unable to cope with it. If you're on friendly terms with her, I'd say advise her to get some counselling if she's feeling bad - it can help. Yer, it's not uncommon for teens to be unhappy, but it seems as if it's a little beyond that, and she ought to get down the the crux of why she's feeling that way tbh.

 

[Flamezdudes]

Sounds like she needs a councillor more than a lover tbh. A lot of those things are prolly tied together with depression. The insulty thing is most likely a coping mechanism, and she probably wasn't really aware she'd gone too far. (I've been known to do it lol... but I know I'm doing it).

I think you're probably right to break up with her - otherwise you end up dragged down in it, and probably unable to cope with it. If you're on friendly terms with her, I'd say advise her to get some counselling if she's feeling bad - it can help. Yer, it's not uncommon for teens to be unhappy, but it seems as if it's a little beyond that, and she ought to get down the the crux of why she's feeling that way tbh.

Ah yes, about near the end of Summer she began to get some Counselling sessions. So she had those but in the end she said it didn't help much.