What I fear...

[SckizoBoy]

Firstly, my thanks to the guys at Switchback, you know who you are, for keeping me this side of a major depressive episode...

So, a few months ago, I posted a thread about how I'd go about getting a girlfriend, in so similar a vein as many other threads that have 'plagued' the Escapist's forums, and the advice given was... well, either mere words of comfort or borderline useless (no disrespect to any of those who posted). But, now, I think I know why they were that.

Backstory for those who don't know me or know of me: I've not had the nicest of personal lives with respect to my relationships with those of the opposite sex... nor have I had the worst, so if I come off as whiny, I apologise. The sum of my love life is two relationships that totalled about ten years between the ages of twelve and twenty-two inclusive. The first ended because she died, and the second ended because she tried so hard but couldn't recover from PTSD. And I was part of the reason she couldn't, despite all my efforts. I have been through more than my fair share of trauma without ever being allowed to properly deal with it for the sake of someone else, and if you think that's insufficient reason for me to be as emotionally frail as I present myself, then please either leave or just finish reading and don't post, I can do without the typical 'man-the-fuck-up-pep-talk' that I've seen numerous times around here.

I digress... I suppose I was lucky that I found two girls who loved me so much, never cheating or ever giving me reason to consider breaking up with them. But break up we did... if you call it 'breaking up'. So, for the past three years I've been single (barring one brief and somewhat fucked up relationship in which I acted like a jerk), alternately looking for a girlfriend and trying to convince myself that I'm happy by myself.

Don't get me wrong, I have little, if any, trouble talking to women provided I have a reason to, or sometimes, even randomly. But a trend I found over the last few weeks... when I find someone I like, and finally get round to asking them out, I demand such a high emotional investment from them that it irks them to say the least. Perhaps 'demand' is the wrong word, but it definitely is implicit. I betray all my anxieties in the hope that if they do say 'yes', they understand why they say it. And I realise far too late that I ask far too much and far too soon do I ask it. But I miss waking up next to someone, spending a day in comfortable silence and just doing stuff with somone for whom no questions need be asked.

After these last couple of years of 'playing the field' rather unsuccessfully, I have at last realised why: I fear loss. I ruin my own efforts at finding someone because what I do not have, I cannot lose. And I don't mean 'lose' as in, they'd run away with someone else. No, I mean it in the sense that I would lose them to a tragedy so severe that I'd pray for my sanity if I was still alive when the dust finally settles. This is part of the reason that I'm innately attracted to psychologically damaged women. 'Damaged goods FTW!' for all that is a tasteless exclamation, rather rings true for me. When a woman is sad, I know how to treat her, probably better than the vast majority of men in the world, but I haven't the faintest idea what to do when she's happy.

If you've read this far... what can I do?

 

[Girl With One Eye]

From my personal experience, relationships can't really be "found" then just sort of happen. I don't think that you need to be looking for a girlfriend, rather you need to do more work on yourself to become emotionally stable enought to maintain a healthy relationship.

It shouldn't matter if the girl is "psychologically damaged" or not, what should matter is that she is someone who makes you happy, makes you laugh and makes you forget about all of the horrible things that have happened to you.

For the moment, I would suggest spending more time with your friends and doing things which make you happy. If you dwell on not having a relationship it will just make matters worse.

At the same time, you shouldn't be afraid of taking risks when it comes to relationships. Admittedly, this is quite a difficult task considering what happened to your first girlfriend, but if you don't take risks then you're minimising your chances of being happy.

I think you really have to think about what it is you really want from a relationship and if you really are ready yet.

I'm not sure if this has helped at all or not - but you know you can PM me anytime.

 

[The Man With the Soap]

Firstly, my thanks to the guys at Switchback, you know who you are, for keeping me this side of a major depressive episode...

So, a few months ago, I posted a thread about how I'd go about getting a girlfriend, in so similar a vein as many other threads that have 'plagued' the Escapist's forums, and the advice given was... well, either mere words of comfort or borderline useless (no disrespect to any of those who posted). But, now, I think I know why they were that.

Backstory for those who don't know me or know of me: I've not had the nicest of personal lives with respect to my relationships with those of the opposite sex... nor have I had the worst, so if I come off as whiny, I apologise. The sum of my love life is two relationships that totalled about ten years between the ages of twelve and twenty-two inclusive. The first ended because she died, and the second ended because she tried so hard but couldn't recover from PTSD. And I was part of the reason she couldn't, despite all my efforts. I have been through more than my fair share of trauma without ever being allowed to properly deal with it for the sake of someone else, and if you think that's insufficient reason for me to be as emotionally frail as I present myself, then please either leave or just finish reading and don't post, I can do without the typical 'man-the-fuck-up-pep-talk' that I've seen numerous times around here.

I digress... I suppose I was lucky that I found two girls who loved me so much, never cheating or ever giving me reason to consider breaking up with them. But break up we did... if you call it 'breaking up'. So, for the past three years I've been single (barring one brief and somewhat fucked up relationship in which I acted like a jerk), alternately looking for a girlfriend and trying to convince myself that I'm happy by myself.

Don't get me wrong, I have little, if any, trouble talking to women provided I have a reason to, or sometimes, even randomly. But a trend I found over the last few weeks... when I find someone I like, and finally get round to asking them out, I demand such a high emotional investment from them that it irks them to say the least. Perhaps 'demand' is the wrong word, but it definitely is implicit. I betray all my anxieties in the hope that if they do say 'yes', they understand why they say it. And I realise far too late that I ask far too much and far too soon do I ask it. But I miss waking up next to someone, spending a day in comfortable silence and just doing stuff with somone for whom no questions need be asked.

After these last couple of years of 'playing the field' rather unsuccessfully, I have at last realised why: I fear loss. I ruin my own efforts at finding someone because what I do not have, I cannot lose. And I don't mean 'lose' as in, they'd run away with someone else. No, I mean it in the sense that I would lose them to a tragedy so severe that I'd pray for my sanity if I was still alive when the dust finally settles. This is part of the reason that I'm innately attracted to psychologically damaged women. 'Damaged goods FTW!' for all that is a tasteless exclamation, rather rings true for me. When a woman is sad, I know how to treat her, probably better than the vast majority of men in the world, but I haven't the faintest idea what to do when she's happy.

If you've read this far... what can I do?

If you really want to be in a relationship, don't seek one out. Sit back, and it will happen. Focus on the other aspects of your life any how those make you happy. Don't dwell on the negative, think of the positive, or you'll go insane. You need to make sure that you are secure in yourself before you bring someone else into the picture.

If you ever need to talk/vent/whatever, feel free to send me a private message. You can also find my AIM, Skype, and facebook on my profile.

 

[SckizoBoy]

Thanks by default to GWOE.

If you really want to be in a relationship, don't seek one out.

For the best part of a year, I haven't really (my ex-gf came into my life and left again, like an inadvertent whirlwind, and while most would really chastise her for doing that to me, I cannot bring myself to do so). Being unable to move on is one of my greatest hindrances.

For now, I'd just be content with being able to keep my friends, scattered as they are.

Sit back, and it will happen. Focus on the other aspects of your life any how those make you happy. Don't dwell on the negative, think of the positive, or you'll go insane. You need to make sure that you are secure in yourself before you bring someone else into the picture.

See, that's one of the problems. My mind is a capricious creature and while I feel OK now, I can never guarantee my state of mind even just half an hour from the now. Thinking of the positive is difficult for me, not least because of a severe inferiority complex, a lack of a stable social life and a maelstrom of memories that inevitably make me sad. Many things make me happy, but even more things make me sad...

And the thing is, I am secure in myself, but only from a purely intellectual perspective. I know what I want to do in a year's time (whether I'll actually get to do it, is up to fate and the Tories), what I want to do in five years' time and my eventual career path, difficult though it is. But within my mind, I lack direction, pottering about like a little boy lost in the woods, and the sad thing being I've been there for so long that I've gotten so used to it and even I don't know whether I want to leave...

 

[The Man With the Soap]

Thanks by default to GWOE.

If you really want to be in a relationship, don't seek one out.

For the best part of a year, I haven't really (my ex-gf came into my life and left again, like an inadvertent whirlwind, and while most would really chastise her for doing that to me, I cannot bring myself to do so). Being unable to move on is one of my greatest hindrances.

For now, I'd just be content with being able to keep my friends, scattered as they are.

Sit back, and it will happen. Focus on the other aspects of your life any how those make you happy. Don't dwell on the negative, think of the positive, or you'll go insane. You need to make sure that you are secure in yourself before you bring someone else into the picture.

See, that's one of the problems. My mind is a capricious creature and while I feel OK now, I can never guarantee my state of mind even just half an hour from the now. Thinking of the positive is difficult for me, not least because of a severe inferiority complex, a lack of a stable social life and a maelstrom of memories that inevitably make me sad. Many things make me happy, but even more things make me sad...

And the thing is, I am secure in myself, but only from a purely intellectual perspective. I know what I want to do in a year's time (whether I'll actually get to do it, is up to fate and the Tories), what I want to do in five years' time and my eventual career path, difficult though it is. But within my mind, I lack direction, pottering about like a little boy lost in the woods, and the sad thing being I've been there for so long that I've gotten so used to it and even I don't know whether I want to leave...

I'm sorry, but I'm hearing a lot of problems in attitude that you can fix yourself. You can't control what happens to you, but you can control how you react to it. I'm just telling you what I think you need to hear. It may not be what you wanted to hear, but it's what I've got. If you get caught in the "I can't" attitude, then you'll never be able to accomplish any of your goals. Also, I'm not trying to offend, but you really do not sound like a person who is secure in themselves. You have to be honest with yourself here.

 

[SckizoBoy]

I'm sorry, but I'm hearing a lot of problems in attitude that you can fix yourself.

My train of thought isn't exactly translating to text particularly well. I thought the above to be somewhat more observational than... perhaps, petulant? However, were I to deny that I have attitude problems, then I would be lying. But I've had two mental breakdowns, the latter of which I forced myself into recovering from in not enough time for the good of someone else. So when I do 'go mad' (for lack of a better way of putting it), it isn't from having a poor attitude.

You can't control what happens to you, but you can control how you react to it. I'm just telling you what I think you need to hear. It may not be what you wanted to hear, but it's what I've got.

You're right, I did need to hear that. But, in the grand context of 'my life', that was unnecessary. I've overcome every obstacle that's been in my way as far as school/uni/work is concerned. But it's the social part which has often remained quite segregated from my intellectual life that has failed to progress. I try, but sometimes it gets to the point when trying is no longer sufficient.

If you get caught in the "I can't" attitude, then you'll never be able to accomplish any of your goals. Also, I'm not trying to offend, but you really do not sound like a person who is secure in themselves. You have to be honest with yourself here.

Well, I did mention that I was secure, but only from a purely intellectual perspective. Emotionally, I know I'm a total wreck, and I've only ever made somewhat cursory efforts in dealing with largely because I never really knew exactly what plagued me the most.

In a sense, I didn't expect much from this thread except to convince myself that I know what my problems are... so, my apologies for seemingly wasting your effort...

 

[Tiger King]

[quote So when I do 'go mad' (for lack of a better way of putting it), it isn't from having a poor attitude. quote]

what happend exactly when this happened?

 

[SckizoBoy]

what happend exactly when this happened?

What do you mean? What caused the 'mad' or what was the 'mad'?

If the former, read the OP. Add to that, I'm a major depressive, my ex is a manic depressive and we barely survived a miscarriage.

If the latter, perhaps 'mad' is a poor choice of words. However, I had never truly gotten over that episode, added to which I have a thin temper, so when I was thinking about a daughter who would be three were she alive, and someone cracked a dead baby joke, I was so torn between wanting to either beat the crap out of him or burst into tears. Ended up doing both...

 

[Tiger King]

what happend exactly when this happened?

What do you mean? What caused the 'mad' or what was the 'mad'?

If the former, read the OP. Add to that, I'm a major depressive, my ex is a manic depressive and we barely survived a miscarriage.

If the latter, perhaps 'mad' is a poor choice of words. However, I had never truly gotten over that episode, added to which I have a thin temper, so when I was thinking about a daughter who would be three were she alive, and someone cracked a dead baby joke, I was so torn between wanting to either beat the crap out of him or burst into tears. Ended up doing both...

yeah i meant what was the incident that made you 'mad'

thats terrible, i really feel for you, it must be a lot to have hanging round your shoulders.
i wish i could give you proper advice but ive never been through such a thing.
i hope you get through it stronger

 

[The Man With the Soap]

I'm sorry, but I'm hearing a lot of problems in attitude that you can fix yourself.

My train of thought isn't exactly translating to text particularly well. I thought the above to be somewhat more observational than... perhaps, petulant? However, were I to deny that I have attitude problems, then I would be lying. But I've had two mental breakdowns, the latter of which I forced myself into recovering from in not enough time for the good of someone else. So when I do 'go mad' (for lack of a better way of putting it), it isn't from having a poor attitude.

You can't control what happens to you, but you can control how you react to it. I'm just telling you what I think you need to hear. It may not be what you wanted to hear, but it's what I've got.

You're right, I did need to hear that. But, in the grand context of 'my life', that was unnecessary. I've overcome every obstacle that's been in my way as far as school/uni/work is concerned. But it's the social part which has often remained quite segregated from my intellectual life that has failed to progress. I try, but sometimes it gets to the point when trying is no longer sufficient.

If you get caught in the "I can't" attitude, then you'll never be able to accomplish any of your goals. Also, I'm not trying to offend, but you really do not sound like a person who is secure in themselves. You have to be honest with yourself here.

Well, I did mention that I was secure, but only from a purely intellectual perspective. Emotionally, I know I'm a total wreck, and I've only ever made somewhat cursory efforts in dealing with largely because I never really knew exactly what plagued me the most.

In a sense, I didn't expect much from this thread except to convince myself that I know what my problems are... so, my apologies for seemingly wasting your effort...

Alright, I give up. I can't help if you're just going to shoot down everything I'm saying and continue to make excuses. I want to help you, but you have to want to help yourself as well.

 

[SckizoBoy]

Alright, I give up. I can't help if you're just going to shoot down everything I'm saying and continue to make excuses. I want to help you, but you have to want to help yourself as well.

I'm sorry you feel that way... particularly after only three replies...

It wasn't my intention to dismiss what you've said, but to explain (perhaps in poor wording on my part) why it is difficult for me to change the fundamental way in which I think. I am not so sure of my mental infirmity that I close my ears indiscriminately, but understand that there are no small a number of reasons for why I am the way I present myself.

Believe me, I wish to be helped as much as those close to me wish to help, but they too are hindered, not by my desire to see them fail, but my fears of success. Before you interject, the first time I felt genuinely happy in myself and for someone else, it did not last (I lost what would've been my first child) and I'm still struggling to come to terms with that. That fall is not one I want to go through ever again.