What to do about a friend that constantly challenges your opinion on things?

[frizzlebyte]

As an example, I said the phrase "Women are a gift from God." and he called me out for being sexist about it.

Er...well, yes, saying that is being sexist.

My thought too.

How in the world is this sexist? Could you explain, please?

OT: Anyway, this guy sounds like a colossal ass. If he does this all the time he doesn't sound like very nice of a friend, TBH. Getting into the occasional argument, or having a spirited debate is one thing, but just constantly picking on someone just shows how insecure he is in his own opinions.

 

[DjinnFor]

He says he does it because he feels that challenging your own opinions constantly is good for you

Well, it's good for your intellectual development. Though, the trick is, it's "challenging your own opinions constantly" that helps you grow, rather than "challenging everyone's opinions constantly".

You should tell him he's hardly a long-term replacement for your intellectual compass.

As an example, I said the phrase "Women are a gift from God." and he called me out for being sexist about it.

Ask him to justify his position if you think it without merit. All he did was spout off a conclusion. He shouldn't be exempt from his own tactics.

To me it feels like every time he does this he's attacking me personally and I've told him this but he has said it's my "victim complex" talking.

If you feel that challenging an idea is a personal attack, you've become too attached to the idea. Ideas are like tools: disregarded without a moments thought when a better one is found.

Feelings are largely an unreliable measure of the world, especially when feelings are represented not by emotions but by perceived intentions. You can only guess at his intentions, and emotions are ill-equipped at doing that guessing for you. But they can tell a little bit about you. What exactly do you feel when he challenges you? Frustrated that he dominates discussions with this? Annoyed at his continual confrontations? Embarrassed, that you can't think of an effective rebuttal? Or something else?

Once you've figured out the actual emotion, ask yourself why you feel this way. Do you find that this behavior detracts from your friendly socialization with others? Wastes lots of your time? Calls your own intellectual rigor into question? Each of those sources would necessitate a different response and a different solution.

He's called me mentally lazy for not examining the core of my ideals and morals with a fine tooth comb and magnifying glass every time I say something(my words, not his).

He's right. Though I would have put it better. You should be subjecting your values and ideals with a fine tooth comb and a magnifying glass on a fairly regular basis. What kind of person calls something an "ideal" or ascribes "value" to something without serious thought? Well, one who cannot be assured in his ideals and values. Can you truly say something is "valuable", or "ideal", when you've never thought it through?

Granted, your values and ideals need not be the root of every statement you make. Though being called out on such statements can help you actually recognize when you're channeling well-formed ideals and values, and when you're speaking thoughtlessly.

The main point is that he says it's his right to challenge my opinions on stuff, no matter what they are and I want to hear some outside views on the subject.

Well sure, and it's also your right not to give a shit. If he's being endlessly confrontational about it and you find this a waste of your time, then tell him that. If that continues to be a problem, he'll have to find a new friend, and tell him that.

 

[DjinnFor]

Nope. It is pretty majorly sexist. It conveys both objectification, and ownership.

It conveys neither when spoken figuratively. Context is what determines the nature of something, at the end of the day.

Whether you realize it or not, there are a lot of people who believe that phrase is true. It may not have a deep impact on you, but thinking such as that has negatively affected a lot of women.

Umm... yeah. Citation needed on the "lots of people believe this to be true" and "this has negatively affected a lot of women" parts.

Any time someone says "But think of the women!" I find myself wondering whether they aren't really just objectifying women themselves.

Women aren't a commodity to be "gifted" to anyone. It objectifies them.

The context of the message itself informs people of the intended meaning of the phrase. Your own emotional trigger reaction to the word "gift" is relevant only to your interpretation, which is your own problem and not anyone elses.

 

[Spade Lead]

I have a buddy in an online chat that we've been apart of for around 3 years now. It's a fairly diverse group with a fair number of people and we shoot the shit, talk about stuff and share what we like with each other. Recently however, he has taken it upon himself to constantly challenge every view and opinion on any subject that comes up that I present to the group.

He says he does it because he feels that challenging your own opinions constantly is good for you but that this point I just snapped at him and called him out for attacking me personally. As an example, I said the phrase "Women are a gift from God." and he called me out for being sexist about it.

To me it feels like every time he does this he's attacking me personally and I've told him this but he has said it's my "victim complex" talking. He's called me mentally lazy for not examining the core of my ideals and morals with a fine tooth comb and magnifying glass every time I say something(my words, not his).

The main point is that he says it's his right to challenge my opinions on stuff, no matter what they are and I want to hear some outside views on the subject. The rest of the group runs the hell away whenever we get stuck in these tirades and don't take anyone's side on the matter. One more thing to note would be that there is about a 10 year age difference between us, he grew up in Canada and I the United States. Don't know if that matters much, but I thought I'd add it in.

Stop being a pussy and debate with him! I love when my best friend challenges my beliefs and we can have a long deep philosophical discussion. That is what separates the men from the boys. Cigars and Brandy are best, but even just long talks without accompaniment are fine.

Seriously, I can't consider a person my best friend unless we can do that type of thing.

 

[otakon17]

I have a buddy in an online chat that we've been apart of for around 3 years now. It's a fairly diverse group with a fair number of people and we shoot the shit, talk about stuff and share what we like with each other. Recently however, he has taken it upon himself to constantly challenge every view and opinion on any subject that comes up that I present to the group.

He says he does it because he feels that challenging your own opinions constantly is good for you but that this point I just snapped at him and called him out for attacking me personally. As an example, I said the phrase "Women are a gift from God." and he called me out for being sexist about it.

To me it feels like every time he does this he's attacking me personally and I've told him this but he has said it's my "victim complex" talking. He's called me mentally lazy for not examining the core of my ideals and morals with a fine tooth comb and magnifying glass every time I say something(my words, not his).

The main point is that he says it's his right to challenge my opinions on stuff, no matter what they are and I want to hear some outside views on the subject. The rest of the group runs the hell away whenever we get stuck in these tirades and don't take anyone's side on the matter. One more thing to note would be that there is about a 10 year age difference between us, he grew up in Canada and I the United States. Don't know if that matters much, but I thought I'd add it in.

Stop being a pussy and debate with him! I love when my best friend challenges my beliefs and we can have a long deep philosophical discussion. That is what separates the men from the boys. Cigars and Brandy are best, but even just long talks without accompaniment are fine.

Seriously, I can't consider a person my best friend unless we can do that type of thing.

He does it ALL THE TIME, they're not discussions most of the time more than inquisitions. It's not done in jest or to pass the time and it usually grinds the REST of the room to a complete halt until we tire each other out. And it's aggravating as hell to constantly be challenged and called out on shit that isn't quantifiable or shit that has no definitive answer.

 

[generals3]

No I'm arguing the phrase itself is not sexist, because the phrase by itself contains nothing sexist within it. The "sexism" comes from the inferences people are making based on the gender of the OP.

Which is wrong on both counts. The phrase is sexist, then gender of the OP makes no difference.

The problem here is that you're trying to interpret an expression by looking at the textbook definition of words. Expressions don't work like that. When people say "X is a gift from God" it's usually just a way to express how good/awesome/whatever they consider "X". At least that's always how i have seen it used when used as an expression (in contrast to the religious way of using it when referring to God's grace and stuff like that).

I guess all i have to ask is: have you ever seen someone use said expression in a way to actually "objectify" what is said to be a gift from god? (except off course when the expression was used when referring to an actual gift...)

 

[Spade Lead]

He does it ALL THE TIME, they're not discussions most of the time more than inquisitions. It's not done in jest or to pass the time and it usually grinds the REST of the room to a complete halt until we tire each other out. And it's aggravating as hell to constantly be challenged and called out on shit that isn't quantifiable or shit that has no definitive answer.

If it isn't fun, then just stop hanging out with him.

 

[Something Amyss]

It's more on the fact that I've never considered it sexist and always thought of it as an appreciative statement for the opposite sex, regardless of looks or race.

It can be both. I mean, the fact that you've never considered or thought about the connotations doesn't make something not sexist/racist/homophobic/earthist.

 

[Kevlar Eater]

Why would I want a friend like that? It's one thing to challenge a belief or opinion that doesn't make much sense to the listener. It's a completely different matter if they're just being a contrarian for the hell of it. If the latter, I'd cut that bastard/***** out of my life as soon as humanly possible.