Well, I've got an intricate problem on my hands and no one to tell about, so I'll rant it off here.
Basically, I'm an obnoxious, annoying person in real life. This leads to a drought of friends narrowed down to about ten people I can comfortably talk to. I don't have a best friend, and all of them would rather talk to or hang out with someone else. When I realize that I have a good friend, I end up bugging them too much which ends up in them getting pissed off at me, but still remaining my friend somehow.
I try to be less annoying, but then I end up acting like a douchebag. I get pushed around a lot and retaliate by becoming more like the people who push me around; it's disgusting, but it works. These two things lead into the same thing; being pushed around and trying to act less obnoxiously. Recently, I have noticed that I have been acting that way towards my few friends and it bothers me like nothing else, but I tell myself that I need to stand up for myself when attacked (not physically) and end up keeping that attitude towards everyone, including my friends.
I feel like the world despises me. I somehow cannot further friendships. With either of my personas (obnoxious and annoying or douchebaggy but assertive, the retaliation personality), nobody wants to talk to me willingly. Nobody seeks me out unless it's for help on their homework or something. I feel that people keep me around for either that or the fact that I am occasionally funny with my sarcasm and bluntness.
My obnoxious personality leads me to not being taken seriously at all. This is an advantage in some ways, like getting away with pretty much ANYTHING I say or do, but I feel that people just keep me around as a jester, when in reality I am much quieter (and therby less interesting) when sitting with people at lunch than in the classroom, where I usually make people laugh with comments. My obnoxious and annoying persona is a fuckload kinder than my douchebag one, but no one seems to value that kindness, which is probably why I have subcounsiously decided to turn to the latter personality.
What am I asking is that if someone could lend me a hand here and point out something that just might help me make my friendships more true. I think it has to do with the fact that no one takes me seriously. I know this is a bad place to ask, but where else is there? I want to have true friends, but I don't want to be a fake plastic person.
I keep in mind that this post is not a masterpiece of literature, but hopefully you get the point. I could've exaggerated a few points or had been too paranoid, so please keep that in mind.
Thanks for reading this and thanks in advance to posters.
EDIT: Recently I have been caring less and less about what people think because I used to force myself to listen to what EVERYBODY had to say about EVERYTHING, and it got annoying. I'm not sure if that's good or bad.
Basically, I'm an obnoxious, annoying person in real life. This leads to a drought of friends narrowed down to about ten people I can comfortably talk to. I don't have a best friend, and all of them would rather talk to or hang out with someone else. When I realize that I have a good friend, I end up bugging them too much which ends up in them getting pissed off at me, but still remaining my friend somehow.
I try to be less annoying, but then I end up acting like a douchebag. I get pushed around a lot and retaliate by becoming more like the people who push me around; it's disgusting, but it works. These two things lead into the same thing; being pushed around and trying to act less obnoxiously. Recently, I have noticed that I have been acting that way towards my few friends and it bothers me like nothing else, but I tell myself that I need to stand up for myself when attacked (not physically) and end up keeping that attitude towards everyone, including my friends.
I feel like the world despises me. I somehow cannot further friendships. With either of my personas (obnoxious and annoying or douchebaggy but assertive, the retaliation personality), nobody wants to talk to me willingly. Nobody seeks me out unless it's for help on their homework or something. I feel that people keep me around for either that or the fact that I am occasionally funny with my sarcasm and bluntness.
My obnoxious personality leads me to not being taken seriously at all. This is an advantage in some ways, like getting away with pretty much ANYTHING I say or do, but I feel that people just keep me around as a jester, when in reality I am much quieter (and therby less interesting) when sitting with people at lunch than in the classroom, where I usually make people laugh with comments. My obnoxious and annoying persona is a fuckload kinder than my douchebag one, but no one seems to value that kindness, which is probably why I have subcounsiously decided to turn to the latter personality.
What am I asking is that if someone could lend me a hand here and point out something that just might help me make my friendships more true. I think it has to do with the fact that no one takes me seriously. I know this is a bad place to ask, but where else is there? I want to have true friends, but I don't want to be a fake plastic person.
I keep in mind that this post is not a masterpiece of literature, but hopefully you get the point. I could've exaggerated a few points or had been too paranoid, so please keep that in mind.
Thanks for reading this and thanks in advance to posters.
EDIT: Recently I have been caring less and less about what people think because I used to force myself to listen to what EVERYBODY had to say about EVERYTHING, and it got annoying. I'm not sure if that's good or bad.
