What's your favorite joke?

Kolby Jack

Come at me scrublord, I'm ripped
Apr 29, 2011
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Inspired by Ratties, who came to the conclusion I am not funny based a single post I made on this very forum.

So what is your favorite joke? It can be anything; corny, dirty, a pun, whatever.

My favorite is:

What did the Buffalo say to his son as he was leaving for college?
Bison!
XD
 

Vegosiux

New member
May 18, 2011
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One time I was strolling through Malchor's Leap and got attacked by those four giant risen chickens. Being kind of squishy and still not knowledgeable of all the tricks of the trade, I had quite a fight on my hands. I won in the end, of course, and I like to say that was thanks to my impeccable strategy.
 

Dangit2019

New member
Aug 8, 2011
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I actually have two.

Once upon a time, there was a man who wanted to build a house. But, being a little eccentric, he wanted to build the house using only 99 bricks. So he went to the hardware store and said, "Hello, I'd like to buy 99 bricks."

The owner of the store told him, "I'm sorry, we only sell bricks in quantities of 100."

"Can't you cut me a deal or something?" the man asked.

"Nope, sorry," replied the owner. So the guy bought 100 bricks.

He took the bricks back to his lot, and he built a house using 99 bricks. Now, if you do the math, 100 minus 99 is 1, so he had one brick left. And he took that brick, and he just chucked it, way up in the air, and it never came down.

I know, that one's a bit hard to figure out. Here's a simpler one.

A guy was riding on an airplane, and he decided to smoke a cigar. Unfortunately, he was sitting next to a woman with a dog. The dog began coughing, so the lady said, "Excuse me, sir, but could you please put out your cigar? It's really bothering my dog."

He angrily replied, "No, I won't! You shouldn't have a dog on this flight anyways!"

"This is a non-smoking flight! You need to put that cigar out!" she said. They argued back and forth... get rid of the dog, put out the cigar, and so on.

Finally, the man said, "Look, I'll compromise with you. If you get rid of your dog, I'll get rid of the cigar." HE was thinking, "She'll never want to give up her dog." But much to his surprise, she agreed to the deal!

The lady opened the window (amazingly, without causing the air pressure inside the plane to drop) and threw her dog out. The man, thinking that he had another cigar anyways, threw his cigar out the window, thinking that he had won.

However, the woman suddenly reached out the window, and grabbed her dog's leash! As she pulled the dog back in, she was thinking that she'd won, she found something in her dog's mouth...

A brick.

It's super old, but it works like a charm.
 

Kolby Jack

Come at me scrublord, I'm ripped
Apr 29, 2011
2,519
0
0
Dangit2019 said:
I actually have two.

Once upon a time, there was a man who wanted to build a house. But, being a little eccentric, he wanted to build the house using only 99 bricks. So he went to the hardware store and said, "Hello, I'd like to buy 99 bricks."

The owner of the store told him, "I'm sorry, we only sell bricks in quantities of 100."

"Can't you cut me a deal or something?" the man asked.

"Nope, sorry," replied the owner. So the guy bought 100 bricks.

He took the bricks back to his lot, and he built a house using 99 bricks. Now, if you do the math, 100 minus 99 is 1, so he had one brick left. And he took that brick, and he just chucked it, way up in the air, and it never came down.

I know, that one's a bit hard to figure out. Here's a simpler one.

A guy was riding on an airplane, and he decided to smoke a cigar. Unfortunately, he was sitting next to a woman with a dog. The dog began coughing, so the lady said, "Excuse me, sir, but could you please put out your cigar? It's really bothering my dog."

He angrily replied, "No, I won't! You shouldn't have a dog on this flight anyways!"

"This is a non-smoking flight! You need to put that cigar out!" she said. They argued back and forth... get rid of the dog, put out the cigar, and so on.

Finally, the man said, "Look, I'll compromise with you. If you get rid of your dog, I'll get rid of the cigar." HE was thinking, "She'll never want to give up her dog." But much to his surprise, she agreed to the deal!

The lady opened the window (amazingly, without causing the air pressure inside the plane to drop) and threw her dog out. The man, thinking that he had another cigar anyways, threw his cigar out the window, thinking that he had won.

However, the woman suddenly reached out the window, and grabbed her dog's leash! As she pulled the dog back in, she was thinking that she'd won, she found something in her dog's mouth...

A brick.

It's super old, but it works like a charm.
Okay, wow... THAT was funny. I actually laughed out loud after reading it. XD Kudos to you!
 

IllumInaTIma

Flesh is but a garment!
Feb 6, 2012
1,335
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I honestly can't remember one joke that I would consider my favorite. However, there are little things that make crack like an idiot.
1)Whenever someone says something not funny or embarrassing and everyone goes quiet for a couple seconds... and then, in that silence, someone coughs. Kills me every single time.
2)That one actually came from all the GMOD videos. Whenever someone tries to move sideways and there's that rock-grinding sound, like someone is pushing a statue.
 

madwarper

New member
Mar 17, 2011
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Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and asks, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

Only two. How they got in there... I'll never know.
 

IllumInaTIma

Flesh is but a garment!
Feb 6, 2012
1,335
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madwarper said:
Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and asks, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
That... was... genius. I applaud.
<img src=http://cs537416.vk.me/u15047576/doc/0df01c3fae8e/CPamES2.gif>
 

sky14kemea

Deus Ex-Mod
Jun 26, 2008
12,760
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"What's white and swings through the trees?"
A fridge

My friend loved to tell me this one in school. Apparently she got it from a book of really bad jokes. I still don't get it.

Here's another one from her:

"Two hippos are sitting in a bath. One says to the other: 'I keep thinking it's Tuesday'."

....

Get it? No? Me neither...
 

stormeris

New member
Aug 29, 2011
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Johnny had 50 candy bars. He ate 49 of them. What does he have now?

Diabetes, Johnny has Diabetes.

Mexican jokes and black jokes are all the same. Once you heard JUAN you heard JAMAL.
 

Zhukov

The Laughing Arsehole
Dec 29, 2009
13,769
5
43
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
It was dead.

What do elephants use as tampons?
Sheep.
 

Antendo

Regular Member
Feb 8, 2010
43
0
11
I'll just put these in spoilers and hope I don't get banned for these.

What's funnier than a baby in a tree?

The same baby in 10 different trees.
What is the difference between (insert politically correct name for black people here) and onions?

Cutting up onions makes you cry

I do realize these are rather mean, but they are merely jokes. Btw are there any racist jokes about white people? If there is, I wanna hear them.

Also, this. [http://global3.memecdn.com/U-Know-my-Favourite-Brand-of-Rice_o_92771.jpg]
 

Abomination

New member
Dec 17, 2012
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What's blue and yellow and sits on my front porch?
My ******, and I'll paint him any colour I like.
 

Harley Q

New member
Oct 11, 2009
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I'm usually a pun fan, however I was tickled by this one.

Schroedinger's cat walked into a bar... and didn't.


I know I know, but I like it so.
 

Maniac2807

New member
Mar 20, 2012
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A man decides to buy a bunch of flowers for his wife. When he gets home and gives here the flowers, she loves them so much that she strips down and lays on the couch with her legs in the air. She says "This is for the flowers", the husband replies "I'm sure we could fine a vase somewhere"
 

Estranged180

New member
Mar 30, 2011
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Heard the best one I've heard in a long time.

Guy and a girl live in the same building on different floors, meet in an elevator. Conversation ensues:

Guy: Hi, where are you headed today?
Girl: The blood bank. I'm selling some blood today.
Guy: (thinking this a bit odd) How much are they paying you?
Girl: $20. Where are you headed?
Guy: The sperm bank. They're going to pay me $100.
Girl says nothing, looks extremely peeved, and gets off the elevator in a huff.

Next day, same guy, same girl, same elevator, conversation ensues:

Guy: Where you headed today?
Girl looking like she's got herself a mouthful, says nothing.
What do gynecologists and pizza delivery boys have in common?
They both get to smell the product, but they don't get to eat it.
Antendo said:
Btw are there any racist jokes about white people? If there is, I wanna hear them.
Why yes, there are.
What kind a music are white people good at? The kind no one listens to.
Why are white women such whores? Because you need more d*ck when they're 1/2 sized.
I never claimed they were any good, or even funny.
 

Shocksplicer

New member
Apr 10, 2011
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A man goes to the doctor and says "Doctor help, I can't stop singing The Green Grass of Home!"
The doctor says "Hmm, you may have Tom Jones sydrome..."
The man asks "Is that common?"
"It's not unusual."

I have no idea why I love that joke so much, Ijust do.

Heres another.
There once was a little balloon boy. He went to a balloon schol, along with all his balloon friends.
One day he took a pin to school.
He was summoned to the Principal's office. The Principal looked at him and said:
"Timmy, you've let your school down, you've let your friends down, and you've let yourself down."
 

Vausch

New member
Dec 7, 2009
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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a drink. The second one orders half a drink. The third orders 1/4th of a drink. The fourth orders 1/8th of a drink. The bartender says "You're all idiots" and pours 2 drinks.

Yes, I'm a nerd.
 

Summerstorm

Elite Member
Sep 19, 2008
1,433
81
53
Harley Q said:
I'm usually a pun fan, however I was tickled by this one.

Schroedinger's cat walked into a bar... and didn't.


I know I know, but I like it so.
An infinite amount of mathematic-professors enter a bar.

The first says: "Give me a beer"
the second says: "Give me half a beer"
the third says: "give me a quarter of a beer"
the forth says: "give me one eights of a beer"

The Barkeeper shouts: "DAMMIT, people... here you have two beers, now shut up"

or:

A Horse enters a bar.

The barkeeper: "Hey, why the long face?"