Lara Crigger said:
Interesting cross-section of letters this time around, but I'd like to point out a strong similarity between them all:
being honest with yourself.
Dumped: Be honest with yourself -- can you truly be "friends" with her after all of that? Or are you really just acting out of habit... or perhaps a sense that you just need a little more time to prove her wrong... or just sort of waiting for a chance to try again... or, and really think on this one, are you sticking around secretly hoping for a spur-of-the-moment, accidental threesome?
Your "secret self" (or subconscious, if you prefer) is putting an abnormal amount of weight on this situation, which means it clearly has some value outside the obvious. Find out what that is. Step outside yourself, and look at yourself the way you would if you were scrutinizing another guy pulling the same stuff with your "love interest." You'll be surprised at what you find in there.
Sky: Be honest with yourself -- this whole thing
is a big deal to you. Not necessarily the TV thing. That's what the problem is
around, but that's not what it's
about. To you, it represents another problem: unilateral decision making.
When someone is relaxing and enjoying leisure time, they're most often actually naturally. They are themselves. You're a bit worried because, when she's not trying to be polite or "girlfriendy," she excludes your vote from the decision making process.
Now, is that what's happening? Can't be sure. You feel it might, so this is clearly a bigger deal to you than you want it to be. But I mean, how serious are you two? It might be that, at your "relationship level," she doesn't want to spend time on disagreements. So, when you can't seem to decide, she just goes and does her thing rather than dwelling on it. Might not be the healthiest way to handle it, but it's not exactly crazy.
Above all, if you decide to approach her about this, be sure you know
exactly what you're approaching her about. The TV thing. Confine the discussion only to that. Don't discuss concepts or metaphors within the relationship. Don't start turning this into the grand arena. Instead, keep the discussion on-topic, and let that
show you how she is (and how you are) at handling this kind of thing. Learn first, talk later. But be honest with yourself about how big a deal it is, and what the real deal is.
Doubting: Be honest with yourself -- you're leading with your feelings, and it's causing you to develop bizarre motives. You
think that you're trying to find the best way to show this girl you're interested in a relationship... but really, you're using what TV, movies, and the internet have taught you about "friend zone," etc., to
trick her into liking you.
It sounds harsh, I know. But when you think you're just trying to "put your best foot forward," you're really playing a game of "trying to figure out what
she thinks the 'best foot' is, and put
that forward whether it's natural or not." It doesn't make you evil. It makes you any old guy, and we all do it. We're competitive problem solvers by nature, and it's easy (at times) to forget that the "problem" we're trying to solve, or the "prize" we're trying to win is a completely separate person.
Do what you want to do. If it doesn't work,
you're not compatible with her. Don't waste your time trying to become compatible, or trying to make her compatible. College is a unique experience in your life. I'm not talking about that old "best years" bullshit, though. I mean that at no other point in your life are you going to be surrounded by this many people in your age group, from so many different cultures and backgrounds and personalities, and yet with so much potentially in common. Statistically, your chances will never be better to find someone compatible with
you.
You farm the hell out of that opportunity.
Don't play "the game." Be you, and do so until (possibly) you find someone else being themselves who happens to mesh with that. Then give it a shot. If it doesn't work, no biggie. Try it again the next time. At all times, you focus on being you (and honestly learning
what that means).
Right now, you're not doing "honesty." You're playing a game. Don't do yourself (or her) that disservice.
