Yahtzee is off this week and I need my hilariously snarky review fix. Please do me a favor and write your most off color, out of line, and abusive review of whatever you?re playing right now.
I don?t care if you like it. Pretend you don?t.
I?ll get us started.
I think I would like Uncarted 2 if I wasn?t convinced the hero (who sounds very familiar) was handicapped in some sort of way. He can?t seem to hobble along any faster than my 90 year old grandma and when he?s trying to shoot he crawls along even slower. While I don?t need every one of my game protagonists to be nigh invulnerable demons of destruction, Drake?s cake (Drake?s coffeecake ? that is) is taken by the fact that he moves around faster while hanging off the side of a cliff grabbing handholds I can?t even see, than when he?s running down a straight uncluttered corridor. And while I can appreciate that he is protagonist who isn?t a professional Mercenary or Space Marine, I would hope he could pull off steadier shots than Rush Limbaugh doing a Michael J Fox impression. The extent of his firearm training seems to have been gleaned from his early years in Greenpeace.
It?s also a very slow starting game. If you?re not interested in the narrative, I suggest you get your 5 year old neighbor to get you past the first couple of levels (don?t worry, you get to replay some of it later, for some reason) while you can go stay awake doing something more stimulating like re-arranging your sock drawer. But if you?re not interested in the narrative, there really is no reason for you to be playing it to begin with.
Uncharted 2 is a game for people who have a third arm to shovel popcorn into their cornholes while fiddling with the gamepad. The cinematic scenery sets are a combination of breathtaking vistas and pant-wetting heights on snowy mountaintops; sorry no Yodels ?. The hero is a congenial wizeguy who (like me) is constantly trying (but failing) to tickle your Funnybone ?.
I have to say it?s definitely worth a rental but after playing through it once, I can?t see myself wanting to play it again. That?s the problem with these Big Movie style games: they don?t have narratives or elements that compel you to play through them again. Ya?know, to catch that thing you missed like you would with a Terry Gilliam movie. The closest thing in the game to something like that are collectable treasures which seem about as arbitrary as trophies.
There?s multiplayer too which is fun but a bit generic; but for some interesting unlockables and the ability to replay your matches later to show the girls how ruthless you are. It gives you a few cool viewing options but no follow the action camera like some games with a post-view feature. And I?m not sure what the point is, to later relive your glory days when your old and your hands are riddled with arthritis and cts. I prefer to look at it as my central teaching too when I get to present my college course in 3rd person multiplayer shooter pwnage; it?s graduate level.
Sorry I couldn?t figure out a way to shoehorn Yankee Doodles ? into this.
So you give it a shot now. I?m not asking you to be funnier than Yahtzee, but at least you can be funnier than me.
I don?t care if you like it. Pretend you don?t.
I?ll get us started.
I think I would like Uncarted 2 if I wasn?t convinced the hero (who sounds very familiar) was handicapped in some sort of way. He can?t seem to hobble along any faster than my 90 year old grandma and when he?s trying to shoot he crawls along even slower. While I don?t need every one of my game protagonists to be nigh invulnerable demons of destruction, Drake?s cake (Drake?s coffeecake ? that is) is taken by the fact that he moves around faster while hanging off the side of a cliff grabbing handholds I can?t even see, than when he?s running down a straight uncluttered corridor. And while I can appreciate that he is protagonist who isn?t a professional Mercenary or Space Marine, I would hope he could pull off steadier shots than Rush Limbaugh doing a Michael J Fox impression. The extent of his firearm training seems to have been gleaned from his early years in Greenpeace.
It?s also a very slow starting game. If you?re not interested in the narrative, I suggest you get your 5 year old neighbor to get you past the first couple of levels (don?t worry, you get to replay some of it later, for some reason) while you can go stay awake doing something more stimulating like re-arranging your sock drawer. But if you?re not interested in the narrative, there really is no reason for you to be playing it to begin with.
Uncharted 2 is a game for people who have a third arm to shovel popcorn into their cornholes while fiddling with the gamepad. The cinematic scenery sets are a combination of breathtaking vistas and pant-wetting heights on snowy mountaintops; sorry no Yodels ?. The hero is a congenial wizeguy who (like me) is constantly trying (but failing) to tickle your Funnybone ?.
I have to say it?s definitely worth a rental but after playing through it once, I can?t see myself wanting to play it again. That?s the problem with these Big Movie style games: they don?t have narratives or elements that compel you to play through them again. Ya?know, to catch that thing you missed like you would with a Terry Gilliam movie. The closest thing in the game to something like that are collectable treasures which seem about as arbitrary as trophies.
There?s multiplayer too which is fun but a bit generic; but for some interesting unlockables and the ability to replay your matches later to show the girls how ruthless you are. It gives you a few cool viewing options but no follow the action camera like some games with a post-view feature. And I?m not sure what the point is, to later relive your glory days when your old and your hands are riddled with arthritis and cts. I prefer to look at it as my central teaching too when I get to present my college course in 3rd person multiplayer shooter pwnage; it?s graduate level.
Sorry I couldn?t figure out a way to shoehorn Yankee Doodles ? into this.
So you give it a shot now. I?m not asking you to be funnier than Yahtzee, but at least you can be funnier than me.