Why Is It An Issue When I Don't Want To Talk?

[soren7550]

Ok, so every once and again, I get really angry/upset/both to the point where I don't want to talk for a while because I'll either start screaming/sobbing/both. But this seems to really bother people, namely my boyfriend. During times like this, he keeps telling me that he's sick of the non-verbal bullshit, and to cut it out, even though I've explained it to him before why I do it. Isn't keeping quiet preferable to screaming/sobbing/both? I mean, I can get if he doesn't know why I'm doing the no talking thing, but for the latest instance (which I'm not going to bring up since it's on the private/personal side of things) he knows why I've fallen into the quiet funk.

I really don't get it much at all. It's not like it gets in the way of work or anything. Can you guys help me out some? Does this ever happen to any of you?

 

[Casual Shinji]

Well, I don't really know your situation, nor am I in any way experienced when it comes to relationships.

Maybe your boyfriend feels the need to help you or talk things out, but can't because from his perspective you're not opening up. I myself tend to close up when something is troubling me, and it'll take some effort for someone to pull it out of me.

Or maybe he feels like you're giving him the silent treatment, I don't know.

 

[Xeorm]

Speaking as a guy, when the girl isn't speaking you know something's wrong and the first thing that I want to do is fix it so my girl is happy again. That urge to fix requires knowledge of what's going on, so I can help with the problem. Being quiet about it frustrates me, and can often make me think that not only is something wrong, but that it's something to do with me that needs to be kept secret, which just makes it worse. Which just increases the frustration.

Now, sometimes being silent is the way to fix one's self, but that's hard on the other person when they don't know that it's a good silence. Y'know? A bad silence is when you're trying to hide something from him, and possibly that's what his problem is.

My suggestion would be to figure out some way to let him know how he can help you and when you need help. Give him something to do when you get like this that allows him to help without you having to break your silence. If it's only verbal silence that you need, you can always type or write something for him to read, that way you can still communicate.

Though, to also answer your question, screaming/sobbing may be preferable to silence for him too. Something is often quite preferable to nothing

 

[Colour Scientist]

Sometimes when I'm annoyed, I need some time to just quietly mull things over by myself.
I might be thinking things through, sulking or just trying to calm myself down and rationalise my feelings but either way I want to be left alone if it happens.

I mean, is this how you calm yourself down and think through problems or do you just shut down and expect the situation to resolve itself rather than talking it through with your partner?

I can understand why it could be frustrating for your boyfriend but you've explained why you feel the need to do it and I think he needs to understand that and give you the space you need. People deal with the anger in different ways and if this is how you cope with situations like this, he needs to be more accommodating, telling you to just cut it out isn't helping.

 

[Foolery]

It shouldn't be an issue. Not everyone needs to talk right away. I don't. Not usually. I prefer to be far away from people if I'm upset. I find easier for me and less offensive for others that way. I'm not a screamer or sobber, though. I just brood like Batman. It gives me time to reflect, before communicating.

If you don't mind me asking, are you slightly introverted? It might have a bit to do with how you handle your emotions. Just curious. I am, and I tend to keep things to myself because of it.

Speaking as an introvert, a lot of people who aren't, can be pretty thick when it comes to these kinds of things. There's nothing particularly wrong with asking someone why they're upset or if they're ok. But when a someone indicates that they need time and space for themselves, others should take the hint. It's not even a hint, it's a social cue and shouldn't be too hard to follow. Prying usually makes people want to talk less.

Also, not that it's any of my business, but your boyfriend telling you that 'he's sick of the non-verbal bullshit, and to cut it out' is not cool in my opinion. That's just abrasive and unnecessary.

 

[remnant_phoenix]

Ok, so every once and again, I get really angry/upset/both to the point where I don't want to talk for a while because I'll either start screaming/sobbing/both. But this seems to really bother people, namely my boyfriend. During times like this, he keeps telling me that he's sick of the non-verbal bullshit, and to cut it out, even though I've explained it to him before why I do it. Isn't keeping quiet preferable to screaming/sobbing/both? I mean, I can get if he doesn't know why I'm doing the no talking thing, but for the latest instance (which I'm not going to bring up since it's on the private/personal side of things) he knows why I've fallen into the quiet funk.

I really don't get it much at all. It's not like it gets in the way of work or anything. Can you guys help me out some? Does this ever happen to any of you?

This happened A LOT with my first serious girlfriend, but the roles were reversed. I have dealt with anxiety issues my entire life, but I didn't realize/understand this until relatively recently (i.e. long after that relationship was over). There are times when I become overwhelmed and I need to just be quiet and be left alone with my thoughts and emotions until I could sort them out and get back to a peaceful place.

My then-girlfriend didn't understand that. From her perspective, based on the people she grew up around, silence meant that something was very wrong and/or the person who isn't speaking to you is made/upset with you. I understood and sympathized with her perspective, but she took it one step further into the realm of "...and that's why you shouldn't do it. I can't handle it when you go quiet on me." She was quite selfish in that relationship.

I'm now married to a woman who is understanding of my anxiety and my need to occasionally not talk at all and be left alone.

So, my primary advice would be this: when you're in a peaceful state of mind, try to have a calm conversation about this with your boyfriend. Ask him why your need for quiet time bothers him. Ask him what it makes him think/feel when you go into quiet mode. He may, like my ex, take your silence as something that you don't intend it to mean. He may just not understand because needing quiet time to sort out thoughts and emotions is not something that he personally ever needs.

Secondarily, he if he refuses to understand/accept that you have a psychological/emotional need for quiet time, then there's a good chance that he's not good for you; if he refuses to be understanding in this regard, that is likely a symptom that he may just be too unsympathetic and closed-minded for you to have a serious, healthy, long-term relationship with him.

Finally, AND THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT ADVICE, if my description above: "There are times when I become overwhelmed and I need to just be quiet and be left alone with my thoughts and emotions until I could sort them out and get back to a peaceful place" sounds like what you experience, then you may have anxiety problems as well. Other symptoms include struggling to manage stress, difficulty sleeping, appetite problems...you can do the research on your own.

There's a lot of stigma surrounding it, but talking to someone who is trained to help people with personal issues like anxiety (such as a psychologist, psychiatrist, or counselor) is invaluable. I finally have after years of dealing with anxiety on my own terms, and it's helped tremendously.

Good luck. And, if you don't mind, shoot me a PM if you put any of this advice to action and something changes. My heart really goes out to those who struggle with the same things that I do, and I'd love to hear if things change, especially if they change for the better. If you do mind, feel free to keep it to yourself; I don't insist on knowing anything.

 

[Padwolf]

The thing is a lot of people view silence as a huge sign that something is very wrong and that not talking out the problem is an even bigger sign. Your boyfriend just wants to see you happy again, and wants to be able to talk everything out from the sounds of it. Because if something has gone wrong, then to your boyfriend screaming or crying is better than nothing at all. You can help someone when they are crying or screaming. But nothing? Some people just don't know what to do when it comes to nothing. Also maybe he feels that because you don't want to talk about it, whatever it is could be his fault and he doesn't know how to fix it because he feels you won't open up to him about it. I know that when my boyfriend is really pissed off with me he goes silent about it for the day. This is frustrating as I don't know what I have done so I don't know what I can do to make it better or resolve the issue. Keeping quiet isn't better than sobbing/screaming/both for many people.

The important thing is like what the poster above said, have a calm chat with him, ask him why it bothers him, try and explain that you have a need for space.

 

[Johnny Novgorod]

Maybe you should properly explain to him the concept of Me Time.

Perhaps he needs a good talking to, if you don't mind my saying so. Perhaps a bit more. My girlfriend, she didn't care for Me Time at first. She actually talked a lot, and tried to bring it down. But I "corrected" her. And when my friend tried to prevent me from doing my duty, I "corrected" him.

 

[StriderShinryu]

Speaking as a guy, when the girl isn't speaking you know something's wrong and the first thing that I want to do is fix it so my girl is happy again. That urge to fix requires knowledge of what's going on, so I can help with the problem. Being quiet about it frustrates me, and can often make me think that not only is something wrong, but that it's something to do with me that needs to be kept secret, which just makes it worse. Which just increases the frustration.

Largely this.

When in a caring relationship you (and I'd say this goes for both guys and girls) want to help the other person as much as possible. It's not just a case of me time when there's obviously something wrong and your partner is specifically shutting you out from talking about it. It makes the person on the receiving end feel like A.) they are at least part of the cause, B.) are totally helpless to aid someone they care for and C.) quite frankly that they aren't wanted or trusted to help.

Think of it like you and your partner leaving the grocery store with 6 bags of groceries but, even though you're both able bodied, they refuse to let you carry even a single one and instead take the whole load themselves. You're wanting to help, seeing they need help and offering to help but they continually refuse and even start getting offended at your offers. In that situation, it's very hard to not only powerless but also sort of unwanted.

 

[Lyiat]

I understand needing time to sort things out, trust me I do, but as someone who has kept a relationship going for nine years let me tell you that communication is the single most important thing in a relationship. If one partner goes silent and is very, very clearly upset, it frustrates and distresses the other partner, and may even begin to frighten them. They will begin to blame them self for your silence, and think they are the cause of your troubles. You need to learn how to be more open to the one you care about.

If you're upset to the point where you absolutely can't talk about it at the moment, you need to tell them that. "It's not about you, I just need some time to clear my head, we'll talk about it later." It's not that difficult to say. Try to offer them a hug and demonstrate in some way they aren't at fault to reassure them, so that they know you'll speak to them when you're ready. I've been on both sides of this, my girlfriend suffers from depression and I suffer from GAD. It sucks, I get it, but if you want to keep things strong and solid you need to make sure you never shut down the lines of communication with your partner. That's how relationships break.

 

[Queen Michael]

If I were in his Converses, then what would bug me would be that you're having a rough time but don't want to tell me about it. It makes it feel like you can't confide in me. And if you don't tell him what the problem is, there's always the posssibility (from his point of view) that it's one of those situations where the girl's upset with the guy but refuses to tell him why because she expects him to be a mind-reader.

 

[viscomica]

Ok, so every once and again, I get really angry/upset/both to the point where I don't want to talk for a while because I'll either start screaming/sobbing/both. But this seems to really bother people, namely my boyfriend. During times like this, he keeps telling me that he's sick of the non-verbal bullshit, and to cut it out, even though I've explained it to him before why I do it. Isn't keeping quiet preferable to screaming/sobbing/both? I mean, I can get if he doesn't know why I'm doing the no talking thing, but for the latest instance (which I'm not going to bring up since it's on the private/personal side of things) he knows why I've fallen into the quiet funk.

I really don't get it much at all. It's not like it gets in the way of work or anything. Can you guys help me out some? Does this ever happen to any of you?

I only get really non-talkative when I'm seriously angry but I've come to realize, people not always realise this so maybe you need to have a talk with your boyfriend about it. Explain why when you're feeling upset you need to stay quiet and think and that it shouldn't be an issue. He'll probably understand, I'm sure.

 

[Johnny Impact]

Generally speaking, guys want to fix problems. If you are unhappy your guy will see it as a problem he can fix, in this case by playing therapist.

Also, silence is AWFUL to guys. As much as we joke about how women talk talk talk and we wish they would stop, we really don't wish that. If you want to make your man absolutely shit his pants with terror the thing to do is get real quiet. Then he knows something is seriously wrong, and 10 times out of 10 it will somehow be his fault.

Personally, I'm with you. I get in some really fucking rotten moods from time to time, usually around the end of long work days composed of fifteen sraight hours of no-win scenarios. It takes a hot shower, an hour in front of the tube, and some serious sugar calories before I even have a chance of mellowing. Sometimes I'm so pissed off I can't get to sleep until four or five in the morning. The last thing I would need would be to drag my hypothetical girlfriend's mood down to match my own, which is pretty much what would happen if I talked.

Consider that trying to draw you out implies he actually cares, which is an order of magnitude better than tossing you a trite and supremely unhelpful cliche like "You just need to cheer up!" as if happiness is a button you can press.

 

[Zhukov]

If it's a temporary thing where you just need time to calm down and sort yourself out then I imagine it would help if you made it clear that you're not up to discussing the problem right now but will once you're in a better state to do so.

If you're refusing to talk through problems altogether and completely declining to communicate then yeah, that's an issue and it will get worse.

 

[HardkorSB]

Ok, so every once and again, I get really angry/upset/both to the point where I don't want to talk for a while because I'll either start screaming/sobbing/both.

Shit happens.

But this seems to really bother people, namely my boyfriend. During times like this, he keeps telling me that he's sick of the non-verbal bullshit, and to cut it out, even though I've explained it to him before why I do it. Isn't keeping quiet preferable to screaming/sobbing/both? I mean, I can get if he doesn't know why I'm doing the no talking thing, but for the latest instance (which I'm not going to bring up since it's on the private/personal side of things) he knows why I've fallen into the quiet funk.

It's not preferable because you're bottling up your feelings inside of you instead of facing them and dealing with them.
The latter is much better long term.
He's your boyfriend and he probably wants to be your boyfriend some more so he probably wants you to deal with your problems instead of ignoring them because it will get worse with time and possibly destroy your relationship in the future.
Trust me, I'm speaking from experience.