Why? (Mopey Relationship Question)

[SycoMantis91]

Every relationship I've ever been in, always ends in "I love you, just not like that" or "i think we should just stay friends". About 4 times now (the other one was just a *****). This time, I visited this girl. We'd been talking for 3 years, still crazy about each other after all that time, and had all these huge plans for a life together and everything. First step? spend some time together. I flew cross-country to spend 8 days with her. We got along so well, had so much fun, but after the 5th day she was kinda distant and I could tell something was up. The morning after i get back home she hits me with basically "I didn't feel anything romantic, and I think we should just stay friends." I'm trying to get another chance outta this, but she's dead set on "after trying so hard to make this happen, 5 days together with my parents around, being forced to sleep separately, is clearly enough time to know if it's worth keeping up the effort. According to her, I'm a "great boyfriend" and I treat her "exactly how a girl wants to be and should be treated", so it's presumably not that.

So why does this always end up being the case with me? Who do you think is right? Is there really a "spark" you're supposed to feel the moment you touch "the one"? Or is that just a myth and souldn't even be taken into account in these kinds of decisions? I know it's lame and typical to be asking this, but I feel like my life's in shambles right now as she was really the only thing I had going for me, and I don't know what to think. Thank you to anyone that answers seriously.

 

[IndomitableSam]

Chemistry exists, really. I had a penpal I'd emailed and sent letters to for 7-8 years. When his mom died, I flew out there, but it was incredibly awkward. It wasn't even a romantic thing, just friends, but we just both felt so uncomfortable that I went home a couple days later and saw him for maybe 5 hours total.

The online thing is great - if you meet the person before it goes too far. You have to know if it will actually work, and in doing that you have to be able to touch/smell/etc.

What bugs me is you saying a girl was everything you've got going for you. Grow up. A signifigant other is not the be all and end all in life. Whenever someone is crying over being single, I want to smack them. Be single for a while. It's pretty damn fun. I go out when I want, stay in when I want, wear PJs when I want, cook what I like, play games whenever I want, and see my friends whenever I want. I spend all my money on me, and am making sure that Freedom 55 will exist for me, even in this economy. Screw other people, I'm working all day long and I'm going to spend my hard-earned money on myself, because I deserve it.

Then again, I live with my twin sister, so, honestly, it's hard to ask for anything more than someone who understands and accepts you completley. And also have someone you can scream at, call the worst things ever imagined, hit, punch and cry over and you know they'll still be there.

Bitching aside, chemistry exists. Don't feel like it's the end of the world if you end up not having any with someone you know online. Don't act like it's the end of the world if you don't have a girlfriend. Don't be defined by love, either. Drives me nuts. Chemical attraction is real. Remember that next time you take the bus or are in line at a store and you start reeling over someone nearby. Then go talk to them - there's a chance that they'll be bowled over by your pheremones, too.

 

[Smooth Operator]

Well you would haveto go a bit more into details then that for us to know what's really going on.
But there is always a reason and what you are getting there is lying by omission, the girls are simply not telling you the truth because they are so very "nice".

The "spark" is simply attraction that brings you to the point of infatuation, which consequently makes you blind to all negatives.
And it does sound like that is where the hiccup occurs, but still I only know so little.

 

[SycoMantis91]

Chemistry exists, really. I had a penpal I'd emailed and sent letters to for 7-8 years. When his mom died, I flew out there, but it was incredibly awkward. It wasn't even a romantic thing, just friends, but we just both felt so uncomfortable that I went home a couple days later and saw him for maybe 5 hours total.

The online thing is great - if you meet the person before it goes too far. You have to know if it will actually work, and in doing that you have to be able to touch/smell/etc.

What bugs me is you saying a girl was everything you've got going for you. Grow up. A signifigant other is not the be all and end all in life. Whenever someone is crying over being single, I want to smack them. Be single for a while. It's pretty damn fun. I go out when I want, stay in when I want, wear PJs when I want, cook what I like, play games whenever I want, and see my friends whenever I want. I spend all my money on me, and am making sure that Freedom 55 will exist for me, even in this economy. Screw other people, I'm working all day long and I'm going to spend my hard-earned money on myself, because I deserve it.

Then again, I live with my twin sister, so, honestly, it's hard to ask for anything more than someone who understands and accepts you completley. And also have someone you can scream at, call the worst things ever imagined, hit, punch and cry over and you know they'll still be there.

Bitching aside, chemistry exists. Don't feel like it's the end of the world if you end up not having any with someone you know online. Don't act like it's the end of the world if you don't have a girlfriend. Don't be defined by love, either. Drives me nuts. Chemical attraction is real. Remember that next time you take the bus or are in line at a store and you start reeling over someone nearby. Then go talk to them - there's a chance that they'll be bowled over by your pheremones, too.

I didn't intend to sound "oh woe is me, my life is nothing without her" though I admit i probably over-dramatized a little, just not in a perfect frame of mind. What I really meant by that is that our potential future was really the only positive thing that I had to look forward to in my life, not much else really happening for me. Again, at least some of that is probably the bitterness talking

 

[IndomitableSam]

All I can suggest is try again - but don't make trying a priority. To be corny: "Life is what happens while you're busy making plans", so just be you. And try, very hard, to be friends with the girl - she's probably just as disappointed as you. She may just stop contact alltogether (as I did with my friend), but it's worth a shot. Will you regret not becoming a couple in 50 years? Maybe. Will you regret not trying to stay friends? Yes. Honestly try, and maybe you'll realise that she makes a much better friend than potential lover.

 

[Johndo]

in this relationship that you described, I think the big problem is that you two hyped up the possibility of a wonderful relationship before acting upon it. Part of the problem of I guess "pre-relationships" is having developed a relationship that isn't there yet. And than the day of acting upon it happens and either both or just one of you finds that... yeah... not quite what I had thought.

It's harsh but sometimes friendship can be misinterpreted as a relationship. Also, everyone is going to be looking for something out of the relationship. She was probably wanting something that wasn't their but though it could be there. The real proof is when you start dating in person. Understand you need to be able to talk and do what you guys want and that both are happy. Sorry dude.

Now for the other relationships you had, if it's the same than the answer is the same. But I'm guessing it's not and I can't comment on the others.

 

[SycoMantis91]

All I can suggest is try again - but don't make trying a priority. To be corny: "Life is what happens while you're busy making plans", so just be you. And try, very hard, to be friends with the girl - she's probably just as disappointed as you. She may just stop contact alltogether (as I did with my friend), but it's worth a shot. Will you regret not becoming a couple in 50 years? Maybe. Will you regret not trying to stay friends? Yes. Honestly try, and maybe you'll realise that she makes a much better friend than potential lover.

We are trying to be friends, we were really good friends before we tried being serious and I think in the long run we still can be. We care enough for each other to not lose contact altogether. I was just very emotional at the time of posting, and always getting the same story when it ends, felt like it has to be something on my part. Which I still don't rule out, but I realize we probably didn't go about it the best way. I thought we'd be great together but didn't expect it to be instantaneously amazing, which I think she did.

 

[Keoul]

Are you "interesting"? Is there anything that really makes you stand out from the crowd? without being unique you'd just seem like another friend to her, a nice guy n all but not someone she could picture growing old with. Being nice is important but it's not everything

captcha: Stand by me, jeez these things have weird timing

 

[BloatedGuppy]

According to her, I'm a "great boyfriend" and I treat her "exactly how a girl wants to be and should be treated", so it's presumably not that.

So why does this always end up being the case with me? Who do you think is right? Is there really a "spark" you're supposed to feel the moment you touch "the one"?

She's lying to spare your feelings. Very, very few people are actually honest with you about why they leave. The ones who are, you'll likely hate at the time, because they're going to hurt your feelings terribly. But their honesty is extremely constructive.

So unfortunately it's left to you to try and puzzle out why she wasn't/stopped being attracted to you. Sometimes it's something as simple as you don't smell right/aren't her type. Pheromones weren't on your side. Other times, it might be because you acted like a huge prick and simply weren't aware of it. We often think of ourselves as the heroes of our own story, and we're very good at rationalizing everything we do. Usually it'll take until your 30's until you're able to recognize negative patterns in your own behavior that keep fucking up your relationships, so don't feel bad if they're not immediately apparent.

Also, be careful of "sparks", because "sparks" means that pheromones ARE on your side, insomuch as your body is telling you this is a good candidate for reproduction and is flooding you with dopamine. That'll make you do silly/stupid things and believe in love at first sight and make all kinds of highly questionable decisions. Be very, very careful when you feel that spark. =D

 

[Angie7F]

If its a no its a no. You don't want to hear the details, and she is doing you a favour by just saying that she doesn't feel the spark.
So don't worry about it, and move on,