Why not adopt?

[BiscuitTrouser]

It's a lot harder to love a kid you've adopted. My sister showed me this. She adopted a 5 year old. He's 10 now, and they don't act like family. They act as though she's a foster carer. It's really quite sad.

I hate to say it but anecodtal evidence, like this guys, is what makes me not want to adopt either.

My girlfriends aunt fostered some kids when they were small. She loves them and tries to do it from a young age so they feel like a family. She feeds them, genuinely cares for them and does her best to treat them like her real kids from what ive seen and heard. Without fail every single one has abused, stolen from and leeched from the relationship with her in a very cruel way. Im not going to blame the kids but the idea that they werent wanted or that it was another persons family kinda broke them. One ran away from her house for most of a year with some money, started doing drugs then contacted her out of the blue to say "Can you be here while i give birth?". The girl is 19. (I hate slut shaming but having a kid without telling your foster parent at that age is very unkind! Especially when she expects her to help her raise it). Basically all the stories i heard about fostering sounded like a living nightmare.

I cant imagine adopting (unless its a VERY VERY young child) because this might happen to me too. I would just feel like a safer family unit with biological kids. If im sterile ill happily adopt and feel no shame in doing so. Id just rather have my own kid. Also im the very last of my family so if i dont have kids thats the end for us! I just feel happier that way.

 

[Beffudled Sheep_v1legacy]

Actually adoption is the only way I could ever have a child.

But sadly, in this country, homosexuals are not allowed to adopt any children (or marry).
So, I guess I will never have any children.

What country are you from if you don't mind me asking?

 

[elvor0]

Really? Why do people not adopt when they want a child? I don't get it. Is it because of the process of adoption having so many loops to jump through? Or is it just pride at pointing at your kid and saying "I made that one myself"?

If you wanted a kid and the process was easier, would you adopt and not have to go through the 'wonders of childbirth' yourself?

You...don't get why people wouldn't want to have their own children? What sort of question is that? I mean seriously, I understand why people would want to adopt but how is the natural way something you don't /get/? It's not exactly a difficult concept. We're here in the first place because two people wanted(or accidently created) a child. I'm not even sure what thought processes would happen for you to not "get it".

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You lot acting like it's some bizzare alien concept are just being weird for the sake of it in my eyes. Sorry to sound close minded but you are. Not that that includes people who just happen to want to adopt. I mean you are Human, yes? And you are of course aware of how we got here. Thus you consciously chose to want to adopt. You were unlikely bought up in an environment where being Adopted is the norm and natural method was something rarely heard of, for obvious reasons it is not an alien concept, by virtue of the fact you exist, and other people exist. An alien concept in something not present or rarely present in your culture, as a human being it is present in your culture at all times. Therefore acting as if this is some concept that only the MAD SELFISH PRIDEFUL (or whatever) just smacks of trying to desperately be different just to be different.

The concept that people find having kids an alien concept is in itself an alien concept, ironically enough. Y'know why? Because it's a very, very rare opinion, thus is actually alien to most of us here.

I dunno, the escapist just seems to be a bit of a hubbub of people saying stuff just because they feel the need to different for the sake of it, the astonishing amount of Asexuals all seem a bit dubious to me too. And the demi, pan, quantum, hexidecimal, omni, multi, centi, hemi, post whatever bollocks sexuals.

 

[Skeleon]

Because it allows something of you to continue on, even after you're dead? Sure, to a sizeable extent that's the case with adoption, also, through the things you teach the child, the values, worldview, the experiences you share. But it's more pronounced when there are also your genes involved, when it's basically a part of you, what was of your body, that lives on.

Hm. If I ever develop cancer, I need to make sure to donate some cancer cells to science. They can keep those cell lineages preserved and viable practically indefinitely.

 

[Olas]

Yay, children without sex. Every man's dream.

But in all seriousness there's nothing more delightful than having a child...
for lunch

But seriously in all seriousness adoption is a great idea. Not only are you helping a child in need, but with adoption you can decide what kind of kid you want. When you birth your own child you're pretty much stuck with whatever comes out. Plus if it turns out to be more than you can handle you can take the kid back. Sadly that happens a lot.

If you're against abortion you have no right not to be for adoption. Most of those unwanted kids that go unaborted end up being put up for adoption.

 

[RedDeadFred]

It's to do with the idea of having your child rather than having somebody else's. I'd prefer to have my own child, there is more attachment and i'd care about them more.

What kind of fucking question is that? Have we gotten to the point where the concept of wanting to have children of your own is alien to half the user base here?

I agree, what's so dumbfounding of the idea of wanting your own children? It gets ridiculous when people ask such simple questions like these.

Add another agree to this. If for some reason I wasn't able to have kids then I most certainly would adopt but I would rather have my own biological children instead.

 

[VoEC]

Actually adoption is the only way I could ever have a child.

But sadly, in this country, homosexuals are not allowed to adopt any children (or marry).
So, I guess I will never have any children.

What country are you from if you don't mind me asking?

Germany.

It's a bit complicated. There is a kind of relationship same sex couples can engage in which is called "registered partnership". But it does not grant as many rights as a real marriage, for example: You can't adopt a child as a couple.
So, if you are in a registered partnership, you can only apply for adopting a child as a single parent but not as both parents (like married couples can).
And when they choose which household would be the best for the child, they of course choose the traditional ones with two parents instead of the "single" parent (which would actually be a gay couple).

I read that the selection process is very strict and many gays and lesbians keep quiet about their sexuality while applying because of this.

 

[Beffudled Sheep_v1legacy]

Actually adoption is the only way I could ever have a child.

But sadly, in this country, homosexuals are not allowed to adopt any children (or marry).
So, I guess I will never have any children.

What country are you from if you don't mind me asking?

Germany.

It's a bit complicated. There is a kind of relationship same sex couples can engage in which is called "registered partnership". But it does not grant as many rights as a real marriage, for example: You can't adopt a child as a couple.
So, if you are in a registered partnership, you can only apply for adopting a child as a single parent but not as both parents (like married couples can).
And when they choose which household would be the best for the child, they of course choose the traditional ones with two parents instead of the "single" parent (which would actually be a gay couple).

I read that the selection process is very strict and many gays and lesbians keep quiet about their sexuality while applying because of this.

I really don't understand the point of all that bullcrap. Well I hope Germany gets its crap together about that soon. Such discrimination is pointless, it serves no purpose.

 

[MetalMagpie]

Really? Why do people not adopt when they want a child? I don't get it. Is it because of the process of adoption having so many loops to jump through?

In the UK, adopting a child is a massively lengthy process, full of forms, interviews, home visits, etc. And people end up on a waiting list for years if they want a child younger than four.

In addition, a lot of kids are "in the system" because they have disabilities which their parents couldn't cope with. Others have behavioural problems due to how they were treated in the past. Many also have siblings which they can't be split from, so potential adopters need to decide if they want to take on three kids all at once. Of course, there are normal, well-rounded, perfect little angels (who need new parents because their original ones died suddenly in a car accident and who don't have any other relatives to take them on). But they get snapped up fast.

If you wanted a kid and the process was easier, would you adopt and not have to go through the 'wonders of childbirth' yourself?

I've considered adoption before. Pregnancy and childbirth are not exactly fun, and looking after a young baby turns people into terminally depressed zombies (based on the fathers of young kids I know at work). So the idea of adopting a six to ten year old instead does appeal. The hoops to jump through don't put me off (they do it for a good reason after all) and neither does the waiting. I'm patient enough to wait until my "perfect child" appears.

The trouble is that I'm not sure that "don't want to give birth" and "don't like babies" are good enough reasons to adopt a child. Children who have been through the system need special care and attention. If I turn my nose up at the idea of looking after a young baby, how am I going to cope with a six-year-old who throws tantrums because he doesn't understand why his real parents didn't want him?

It's a lot to think about.

 

[MasonF]

I'm sure someone has said this already, but I can't imagine you would love the child as much (unless you for some reason are unable to have children of your own, and are adopting out of necessity, but in the case of this post, you have a perfectly functioning reproductive system), as bad as that sounds. Like, certainly you would still treat it the same as you would a child of your own, but it just wouldn't feel the same.

Even though I know it's an ENTIRELY different circumstance, I can't help but liken it to a woman who goes off and has a child with someone else, and you end up raising it with her.

 

[aba1]

Really? Why do people not adopt when they want a child? I don't get it. Is it because of the process of adoption having so many loops to jump through? Or is it just pride at pointing at your kid and saying "I made that one myself"?

If you wanted a kid and the process was easier, would you adopt and not have to go through the 'wonders of childbirth' yourself?

It is actually the process and cost straight up. My parents were going to adopt but it costed so much they didn't bother following through they simply couldn't afford to drop thousands of dollars like that.

Personally I think I would be the same way. I am not to picky about adopting or not because if I had a child with my gf our children wouldn't look even remotely like me anyways. My girlfriend is full Chinese and I am just about full Irish red head and all so yup my kids more than likely will take on my girlfriends physical traits much more than my own.

One thing I like about adoption is that it gives me a chance to use my luck of being born into a middle class family in Canada to actually help someone with a little luck. I have always kinda felt like because I have more I have more responsibility to give more back.

 

[aba1]

Thanks @Yopaz, it frustrates me that a lot of people on this site seem to think adoption is as simple as picking up a kid from an orphanage and they'll be no different from a child from a stable home.

The motivation being as an only child I personally think that in the long run having siblings will enrich your life, so I want more than one kid but I don't want to contribute to overpopulation.

No it won't.

Movies like to shove such crap in your face but it's simply not true. "enrich" your life? What does that even mean? Competition for attention from parents is "enriching" your life? If I understand what you think 'enrich' means then you're dead wrong... Brothers who actually "enrich" each other's lives are rare occurrences. Most just plain despise one another, though it does lessen later in life.

Speak for yourself, my nine year old sister is more precious to me than anyone-else and I can only think of one guy out of all of my friends who actually hates one of their siblings. Generally most people's experiences seem overwhelmingly positive and I imagine it must be terribly boring to have a childhood without siblings.

I'm not speaking for myself, though I also hate my brother. I've been to a ton of states and schools/high schools and every time a sibling is mentioned or discussed it's always with hate or aggravation. Even adults I've met mention their same sex siblings with 'less than joyful' dispositions.

Ahh that is because your still just a kid when you get older a lot of times people find they start to get along with siblings a great deal more. I used to fight with my little sister a lot but now that we are both older we get along fairly well and even have a lot in common sharing movies and shows or comics all the time.

 

[Vorlayn]

Pfft-I'd have enough trouble with a kid biologically my own, not even going to consider raising someone else's.

 

[Mr Dizazta]

If everyone started to just adopt and only adopt then say goodbye human race.

 

[Quaidis]

If I was going to be responsible for a kid, I would want that kid to have my genetics and blood in them. I have good genes and talent and it would be a crying shame if they weren't carried on at some point in time.

There's another reason I would not adopt, and this is going to sound a ton more selfish than the last paragraph: I have this feeling deep down that I would not be emotionally attached to the offspring of someone I don't know compared to one I took part in. And if I am not going to love the kid I take in like I would my own flesh and blood, things can and will go downhill and neglectful from there. Why put the kid in that position? This isn't like taking in an abandoned puppy or kitten after all; this is a human being.

So yeah, the jist of what I'm saying is that I would have more of an attachment and personal responsibility to raise a child from the ground up than taking on one that was orphaned. I'm not living in a fairy tale here. I know where my lines are and where not to cross them. Adopting a kid? It will not end well if I were put in that spot.


Of course, that's all black and white. In a grey area, say I had a friend who had a kid and the friend died, putting the kid in my custody. I would likely take on the kid with the assumption that s/he was my own flesh and blood in lieu of my friend. But that's really stretching the line.

 

[Verlander]

People adopt with their heads, but parent with their hearts. I'd say it's a safe bet that 90% of people who claim would adopt, won't. It's worth noting that many children aren't planned either. Making a baby is insanely easy, while adopting really isn't, and the differences in relationship for the rest of your lives together would be insanely different. It's difficult to build up that sort of bond with someone unless you adopt a baby, and funnily enough those are the ones that go first...

 

[MetalMagpie]

The motivation being as an only child I personally think that in the long run having siblings will enrich your life, so I want more than one kid but I don't want to contribute to overpopulation.

No it won't.

Movies like to shove such crap in your face but it's simply not true. "enrich" your life? What does that even mean? Competition for attention from parents is "enriching" your life? If I understand what you think 'enrich' means then you're dead wrong... Brothers who actually "enrich" each other's lives are rare occurrences. Most just plain despise one another, though it does lessen later in life.

I have a brother and a sister, and I'd say they have both enriched my life quite a bit. For one thing, they taught me from an early age that I'm not the centre of the universe. They taught me about the need to share, and to cooperate.

I didn't always like my siblings growing up (my sister and I used to fight like cats in a bag), but they did me a lot of good. And now - as an adult - they're an invaluable source of support.

Besides, I can't imagine growing up not outnumbering my poor mother!

 

[FEichinger]

What kind of fucking question is that? Have we gotten to the point where the concept of wanting to have children of your own is alien to half the user base here?

Can only quote this yet again.
This is definitely gonna offend someone, but ... Could it be that it's the concept of having a loving relationship for anything other than the sake of "having it" is alien?

Don't get me wrong - I get the point of adopting for social reasons (if you legitimately want to better the life of an orphan or abandoned child, go ahead, all the power to you) or biological reasons (you and your partner can't have children - for whatever reason - ? Again, all the power to you), but this whole "We have overpopulation" and "pregnancy is terrifying" or "I couldn't even think of having a child of my own! Ew, disgusting!" feels ... off. Surely valid points to some extent, but the amount of people deciding on those grounds is ... disturbing.

At this point, currently on the brink of a relationship, at a rather young age, I don't dare to predict anything about whether or not I'm ever gonna reproduce, adopt or anything like that. I doubt that's something to be decided in the fashion many people seem to do so here.

 

[MetalMagpie]

It's a lot harder to love a kid you've adopted. My sister showed me this. She adopted a 5 year old. He's 10 now, and they don't act like family. They act as though she's a foster carer. It's really quite sad.

I hate to say it but anecodtal evidence, like this guys, is what makes me not want to adopt either.

My girlfriends aunt fostered some kids when they were small. She loves them and tries to do it from a young age so they feel like a family. She feeds them, genuinely cares for them and does her best to treat them like her real kids from what ive seen and heard. Without fail every single one has abused, stolen from and leeched from the relationship with her in a very cruel way. Im not going to blame the kids but the idea that they werent wanted or that it was another persons family kinda broke them. One ran away from her house for most of a year with some money, started doing drugs then contacted her out of the blue to say "Can you be here while i give birth?". The girl is 19. (I hate slut shaming but having a kid without telling your foster parent at that age is very unkind! Especially when she expects her to help her raise it). Basically all the stories i heard about fostering sounded like a living nightmare.

I cant imagine adopting (unless its a VERY VERY young child) because this might happen to me too. I would just feel like a safer family unit with biological kids. If im sterile ill happily adopt and feel no shame in doing so. Id just rather have my own kid. Also im the very last of my family so if i dont have kids thats the end for us! I just feel happier that way.

Stories like this make me really sad.

I occasionally volunteer at a youth group, and a few years back I ended up looking after a group of 9 to 12 year old kids on a summer camp. They were all mischievousness and full of beans in general (they were on a camping trip without their parents - what's not to get excited about?) but there were two girls that stood out by a country mile.

Before I was introduced to them for the first time, one of the organisers took me aside and said, "Those girls have been through a lot. Don't take any nonsense from them, but don't yell at them - don't even raise your voice. Too many people have yelled at them."

The pair were sisters in foster care, and they were nothing but trouble from the moment they turned up. They wouldn't do camp chores. They tried to run away whenever they thought they weren't being watched. If I asked them to do anything (brush their teeth, go to bed, etc.) they threw tantrums. They stole sweets from other children, and tried to take alcohol from the adults' tent. And for the entire week, they refused to move more than a few feet apart from each other.

I almost bit a hole in my lip with the effort of not yelling at them. When the last day of the camp arrived, I couldn't wait to get rid of them. I made sure to hand them over to their foster carer myself (who didn't look all that thrilled to be having them back). It was at that point that one of them said "Thank you, Emma. It's been really fun." Then they both gave me a big hug around my waist, one on either said. It was all I could do not to cry.

Kids who end up in care often enter the system damaged, and they only get more so as they're passed around between foster homes. They need adoptive parents with enough patience and enough love to keep caring for them, even when getting nothing in return.

Not sure I could do that.