Why Shouldn't I Kill Myself?

[Dazzle Novak]

People always talk that bullshit about how much it devastates "the people who love you", but where the fuck are these funeral-chasing hypocrites when you're alive? The same people who won't call you for months...YEARS... all of a sudden are wracked with grief sobbing over your coffin? Fuck them. I gotta suffer this emptiness, these voices in my head telling me I'm worthless (Every. Single. Goddamn. Day.) just so they can be comfortable in the lie that I'm "alright." Comfortable knowing I'm collecting dust in a closet somewhere just in case they ever get around to me? Fuck that. I'm not a goddamn Stairmaster.

When do I get to have a life? When do I get to enjoy things normal people take for granted? When does the loneliness stop?

I can't afford to keep living check-to-check with not a single positive outlet in my life. I can't afford hobbies. I can't afford to pay for some therapist to talk to me. I can't afford to keep telling doctors "I'm sad" just so I can be prescribed some pills that might work in 6 weeks but historically have made me feel even worse.

I don't even have memories, anymore. It's been so long since I've been "happy", my mind is in a constant fog. Like looking through a window caked in mud. And what's there to remember? All those years I spent alone in a room? All those times I went NOWHERE and did NOTHING?

I can't keep doing this. Every smile is a lie. Every joke is a futile jab against the abyss. I just saw my uncle in his casket and could hardly muster tears for him... I envied him. He finally didn't have to drink himself to into his grave anymore. I could pick a quicker death.

I just want somebody to acknowledge that I fucked my life up. That I'm fucked up. But I guess I'm too good at faking it. Constantly responding with "Nothing" when asked what I've done since yesterday... for the past week... the past year...five years...ten years rings no alarm bells to my "loved" ones. It never "gets better" for me and there's one common denominator: me. I never got to be young and happy and I sure as hell ain't looking forward to old and miserable. So why keep kidding myself? I'm a coward, so why not take "the coward's way out?" What has pride gotten me so far?

 

[tippy2k2]

snip to get your attention if your quotes are still on at least...

Unfortunately, I am not the person who would be useful to talk to about this. We are moving this to Advice as Off-Topic really isn't a good place for the thread.

All I can really recommend is to talk to an actual professional or at the very least, just talk to someone:

https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org

 

[Gethsemani_v1legacy]

I saw the username that made this thread and instantly was like "Hey, doesn't he make those readable posts?". I came in here thinking you'd be one of us who's been around this forum for almost a decade, only to see you've only got 176 posts. Looking over your post history, I at least realize why I had that initial feeling. In those (relatively) measly 176 posts you've made on the Escapist, you've made a lot of thoughtful posts that have really contributed to the discussion of the threads they are in. Enough that I instantly recognized you as someone who's posts I enjoy.

Now, I can't say anything about you or your life, apart from that I like your contributions to this forum, but you should listen to tippy's advice. The feelings and thoughts you are having only get worse when you keep them to yourself. If you can't afford a therapist or doesn't want to talk to a psychiatrist, try anyone in your family or among your friends that you trust at least a little. Tell them how you feel and what you think. At best, someone will recognize and help you with problems and if everything already is gone to shit, what's the worst that can happen?

If you don't want or can talk to your family or friends, use a suicide prevention hotline, like tippy said. They are staffed with great people who have plenty of tools to help you find a non-destructive way through this.

 

[dscross]

Hey dude,

I think right now, initially, you need to feel like someone is really listening to your point of view and that's a bit difficult on a forum. My first point of call here would be to find someone empathetic who you can properly talk to. If friends and family aren't an option, there are others who can do it. Suicide hotline is good - i've used it before.

All I can really do from here is tell you my own experiences with this and hope that you can take something from it, but I realise everyone experiences these things differently.

In October 2016, my body started doing things to me, seemingly out of nowhere. My stomach went massively bloated and started hurting daily. Then I started getting breathing problems and panic attacks. At the same time I went for root canal surgery on my tooth. Something happened to my jaw at that point (although i didn't know it was my jaw at the time) that gave me constant agonising pain across my face.

All this came seemingly out of nowhere. I went to the doctors many many times (including the hospital) and I did find out I had an infection in stomach and that I'd damaged my jaw, but they also prescribed me several different types of anti-depressants (over the course of a few months) as he assumed it was anxiety.

As you can imagine, I was struggling day-to-day by this point. I had a responsible and pretty highly paid job where I needed to think laterally a lot and I was not coping or doing the job properly. Then something happened at work (I think they wanted rid because I was ill, mentally and physically). This made things a million times worse.

It wasn't depression in the same sense you are saying (it was extreme anxiety) but I nearly killed myself because everything felt too much for me. It had been around six months of constant A&E visits with my breathing, not being able to eat much with my stomach and cramping pain, and pain across my face. The stuff at work became too much for me.

I was talked out of suicide several times. I had to quit my job and go back to live with my parents (at 33) - i simply couldn't cope. I was ill mentally and physically for a long time. It's taken me over a year to get to the point where I can freelance again (I still can't full time work). My body has never fully recovered and I never got the bottom of some of it, but it did get a bit better, mentally. I try and be grateful for what I DO have now. I find that's the best way to recover (from the mental part anyway).

Some things that helped me...

- Anti-depressants helped me initially. I'm not on them now but some people stay on them for life. My friend is clinically depressed and lives on them. He swears by them. He's pretty content and is OK with the side effects although it affects everyone differently.
- It may not feel like it, but, usually, your parents will support you through the hardest things. They are much more reliable than friends in this respect.
- Counselling CAN help. Lucky for me, one of my good friends is a professional counsellor and he helped me through some of it.
- There are loads of mental techniques you can try. The trouble is doing it and finding the motivation when you are having mental issues. But meditation and other techniques can work. I admit it's VERY difficult if you aren't in the right place mentally. Especially if you are having physical pain so you can't concentrate.
- Above all you need to find someone so you feel understood. Go to suicide hotline first to get you through the first hurdle, but after this pay someone if necessary. Counsellors aren't that expensive (therapists cost more)

I'm sorry you are feeling like this dude. It's horrible, but I hope you can find something useful from the little I've told you from my experience in this post. It would be nice to know the shit that happened to me might be very slightly helpful to some people.

 

[Catnip1024]

Well, I'm generally reluctant to comment on these, because I'm far from being the right person to be giving anyone serious life advice and I know next to nothing about your situation, but since it hasn't already been said...

My general advice for people feeling down, from personal experience, is exercise. Jogging if you can, or even walking is good. Bit of fresh air, gets the blood flowing, gives you time to clear your head. Costs pretty much nothing but time. Gives you a nice healthy boost, without having to deal with things like anti-depressants.

I'd also second Gethsemani on your posts being well thought-out and you being quite a memorable figure round here. And all the other advice the people far better suited for advice giving than me have provided.

 

[Saelune]

Edit: Whatever, who cares what I think anyways.

 

[Neurotic Void Melody]

Empathies sincerely with what you have presented here. It is something that come and goes with varying relentlessness and little respite, so am not confident in own personal abilities to make anything better, but am happy to converse if desired. Considering the lacking availability or awareness of mental healthcare, i would recommend looking into www.elefriends.org.uk as they can offer various people and experienced support that is only more necessary in these current climates that favour particular classes of people over others, with money being what it is. There is also https://www.mind.org.uk that ele is a part of and provides a few more branches to help and advice. Sometimes even mild, brief alleviation of a trapped and desperate mind can make a huge difference to how restricting the cycle can become within the isolation.

Unrelated kitten gifs;